Paradoxes of Self-Forgiveness or The Reason for it?: Day 9

I have written a few days in a row without the forgiveness statements.
I have resistance to self-forgiveness, despite what I know with absolute certainty about it.
Why do I resist what I know is the most superior advantage in this world?
Because I don't want to forgive, yet I do..
I have vengeful self-hate within me.
I have resentment and distrust.
I am troubled with many things in my mind.
I am conflicted within and do not always carry the peace in my words.
I am at war within my own awareness.
I have cognitive dissonance

Therefore,
How can I forgive in this state of mind?
How can I dare make a statement so contradictory to what i've seen in my heart and mind?
I ask these questions in doubt and will answer for it.

I have seen the way and practiced self-forgiveness with some relief and benefit to my life.
The thing i'm here to resolve is this:
I can't make peace if i'm forgiving me without actually meaning it.
I have seen that self-forgiveness can be insincerely expressed, even when it is correct to express it.

So....
When is Self-Forgiveness actually real?
I have heard the answer to this before, but have to give myself the answer for me to really get it.
I have cognitive dissonance because I have conflict within me when I forgive myself.
That seems paradoxically appropriate and inappropriate.
If i'm forgiving myself, then why the conflict?
Because the reason why IS the conflict.
Yet, the conflict must cease if I am forgiving - right?
What if the conflict does not cease when I forgive?
What if I cannot forgive while I am in conflict?

The first word that comes up for me to begin answering these questions is:
Unconditional.

To unconditionally forgive myself, I cannot just give up forgiving myself because it doesn't feel right.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive myself no matter the condition I am in.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive even when faced with what I believe is unforgiveable - because forgiveness with a condition over when and why I forgive will simply allow to continue the condemned and fallen state I find myself in.. The version of me that needs forgiveness the most is the version I am unwilling to forgive. The reason I would not forgive is the reason I must forgive.

I said I don't want to forgive myself, and yet I do.. because although how I am living does not currently reflect perfect self-forgiveness.. there are many indications in my existence and the one we share that reflect a desire for self-forgiveness. I recognize the want to forgive myself as an answer I don't want to hear. It's the solution to the pain, the debt, and the charges against myself. The want to escape can be seen as the want to forgive. The want to let go and relax is a reflection of the desire to forgive. You can give the motion many different names, but self-forgiveness is in essence what it can be reduced to. The mechanism of release and the ability to just be and reflect on self's existence is the same. 

Self-Forgiveness is the specific name of the act that is most resisted, though, because it carries a lot of bullshit... paradoxically, this is because it also carries the exact nature of the solution to the bullshit within us. It is how we can reveal and sort through ALL the shit within us.

Then, What is Self-Forgiveness without All the Bullshit?
I resist forgiving myself because I can get carried away forgiving myself out of desperation for relief.
I resist forgiving myself because I sometimes start using self-forgiveness statements as a way to express emotions and feelings that i'm suppressing.
It can become an exercise in confession disguised as self-help.
It can look like i'm working on my self when I am just fueling the fire.
When I find myself using it as an opportunity to express things I would otherwise keep buried, it can become a guilt-ridden session with myself where i'm venting all the things troubling me in hopes that it changes something. Then, it is just wishful thinking.

What is the problem with that?
It's what I do with it upon reflecting on the statements or when I don't reflect on the statements at all. It's what I do immediately after the statements and what fruits do the words bear. I notice that I often want to just get things out into the open and that's it, but that's not enough for me deep down. I want there to actually be something that comes out of these words that is best for me. When the statements only further cement me into feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and sorrow.. it's just another thinly veiled disguise for self-abuse.

Self-Forgiveness without the Bullshit is when I take Responsibility for the Bullshit and do not Accept or Allow myself to be Deluded by my Words and thus Dilute my Words to Ineffectiveness. 

It is to be Self-Honest by Taking my Time with what I Write, to make things Right within the Writing.. that means I look at what is Wrong with what I am Expressing in the Forgiveness and to Correct it = Writing is the Righting. 

What I mean by look at what is Wrong is to see where I am using Self-Forgiveness as another tool of Abuse and to see what in my writing is full of crap that needs to be investigated. It is to look into what I can identify that is in Error of my Principles and what within my programming is at cause for the issues I am experiencing, acting out, and manifesting that are not Best for All.

What I mean by make things Right is to Write the Corrections that Correct according myself according to the Principle of What is Best for All as that is the Core of the Solutions to this Life. What is Best for All is also to be Investigated for what is Wrong with that within me as well.

What I mean by Taking my Time is Pacing myself Slowly and Deliberately when Writing - to Stop the Rush of Energy that is to be in a Hurry and Read Carefully what I am Placing into Physical/Digital Space.

What I mean by being Self-Honest is to Question myself about the Words I am Using that Reflect the Nature of Who I Am and to then Answer myself about What I See Directly in my Words - to Read Between the Lines and Identify my Intent and Purpose within what I am Writing WITHOUT Excuse, Justification, or Judgment of what I am Writing.  

The Weight of The World and Heaving the Way to Heaven: Day 8

I give the weight of the world to my words when I speak from the heart.

I share this weight because it cannot wait any longer. I must give way to it.

Gravity comes from matters of the heart and this earth is the heart of the matter that gifts gravity to our life.

What’s here in me, if you can hear in me what is here in me, is also in you.

We must deal with what is here, that which we share.

The nature of this earthly existence is the heart of what we share.

Thus, we share the same heart and so it's time we discuss the core of what is the matter here on earth.

We can only do so by feeling the heavy gravity of our situation and explore the weights we will be lifting intuitively.

Life is serious- it carries much gravitas and it cannot be escaped.

If you don’t believe me, I dare you to leave this planet right now.

I hope the word play and their relationships I use here won't be missed and can be appreciated for what it reveals.

Gravity, Gravitas, Grave, Serious
Heart, Earth, Hear, Here, Core, Matter
Weight, Wait, Way
Heave, Heaven, Heavy
Soul, Sole

We are HEAVING the WAY to HEAVEN through LIFTING the WEIGHTS by FORGIVING A WAY in our HEARTS where MATTERS have gotten HEAVY. The things we will face at the GRAVE are that which WEIGH on our SOUL until it is in the SOIL Our soul walked the soil of the earth with the soles of our feet, leaving imprints on our earth and our hearts as they are one in the same. How we walk while we are here is thus all that matters as the earth is the heart of the matter which our soul walked on it with the soles of our feet.

The earth is the material matrix, the mother of all living beings; it is the PLACE OF PRACTICE as all that is PRACTICAL deals in what can be done IN THE PHYSICAL - WHICH IS WHERE THINGS MATTER. Matter, material, matrix, and mother all share the Latin root of Mater/Matr which means mother. The word itself confirms this message I share.

SO....
How do we heave the way to heaven while we are here?
How do we lift this weight and give way to heaven on earth (practically)?

The one and only solution I have found and confirmed through a decade of research and practice of the words that codify this matrix is: SELF-FORGIVENESS
BE-CAUSE it GIVES WAY to a NEW LEASE ON LIFE and REMOVES the DEBT-BASED SLAVERY that ALL SYSTEMS IN THIS WORLD OPERATE ON.

LIFE is currently LOST on EARTH because we LIVE BACKWARDS THROUGH IT AS MEMORIES OF THE PAST and we go through CYCLES of TIME as THE PAST CREATES THE FUTURE - ALWAYS looking for ourselves... all the while LIFE IS HERE.. PRESENT.. in/as OUR PRESENCE as THE ETERNAL GIFT.

We must GIVE this GIFT to RECEIVE this GIFT OF LIFE - it was GIVEN TO US and it is FOR GIVING! 

It is a GIFT that CANNOT BE GIVEN IF WE ARE NOT FOR-GIVING AND FOR-GIVEN (RECEIVED)..

How does this translate to a practice on earth for each one?

Practically speaking, in our individual lives.. it is to feel the gravity of what weighs us down in life, to identify the things holding us back and tying us to our pasts within all our relationships... to then forgive ourselves specifically for what we have done and who we have become that has brought us all here collectively. You can see how you have contributed to the gravity of the situation we are facing on earth, it is in us all equally and as one. Make no separation about the matter, this heart that is the earth is ours to share.. take equal responsibility for the weight of this world. It is about returning to the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated.. forgiving your self where you did not live and apply this is a good way to start.
INVESTIGATE DESTENI AND THE DESTENI I PROCESS (lite.desteniiprocess.com)
They have already laid out the ground-work and the tools to get clear on the practicality of this process.

Practically speaking, with regards to our systems... it is imperative we investigate and support new systems that are based in forgiving the debts and giving to everyone equally that which you would have liked to receive in this life (FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE). I suggest looking into EQUAL MONEY or a Universal Basic Income (UBI) as well as reforms to EDUCATION because the money system and the educational system are the roots of control in this world that dictate the future.. They are both based in debt and indoctrination of the past which separates us all. I work with TECHNOTUTOR where we aim to equalize education so that all can have the highest level of education that enables each one to fulfill their potential in this life.

Begin first with what you are facing in your own life, as the whole resides in the individual and everything is in you.. what you walk in your life will be shared amongst everyone else in ways you cannot foresee yet. Think like a fractal.

I will expand more on the solution of SELF-FORGIVENESS with it's relationship to the DISCHARGING THE  PAST as the EVIL THAT IS LIFE LIVED IN REVERSE.. because the DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS ... the DEVIL = LIVED (PAST TENSE). I will walk backwards to uncover the point.

Waking up the Dragon: Day 7 (2 day absence)

The apathetic danger that rests quietly near the gold within me is what I consider to be the dragon guarding my gifts. When I wake up or am disturbed, often times this is what is within me. Today, for example, I woke up and did not feel much regard for what I was waking up to in my life. I woke up feeling like shit and I could barely give a fuck about anything except for why I wake up feeling as shit as I did. All I want is to feel better than what i'm feeling. I have gone to bed and woken up many times this year, feeling like a dragon breathing fire. My sleep is deep and is often undisturbed, but for whatever reason when I wake up.. I am ready to burn the world down. I've wondered why or what it is that I could be doing that takes the peace from me.. because the disturbance I see within me is serious.

I see the danger and the trouble within me. I don't need anyone to tell me or remind me, because i'm already afraid of who I am and what I can do. My first thought is I am furious with myself for missed actions I could have taken, those mistaken opportunities in which I either shied away from in cowardly fear or I rejected for lesser ambitions. The mounting anger in me has created an unforgiving beast that won't let me rest in peace. I missed a couple days to write and I watched it happen. I got lost into a daze of distractions losing days of traction. I am only truly happy with myself if I can say I did what is best for me and if I applied myself to the whole. When I don't, I know that I am in trouble. This beast within me is only pleased when I am doing the best...
all of a sudden this anagram makes more sense to me, now: "beast" = "a best"

I cannot please this beast unless I do my best and it threatens me with everything in my life if I don't.
I have been waking up every day knowing I do not do my best and this beast wakes up with this knowing.
I'm scared to go inside and face this dragon because I know it will finish me.
I don't deserve the treasures it keeps if I can't slay it.
If I release it on the world it will do great damage.
There is no difference between this beast and who I am.
I have to meet this thing face to face and make some peace with what rages inside it - to tame it or die from it = because if I kill it or it kills me, it doesn't matter, we both die because we're the same.
The danger and the one to face it are one in the same.

I'm just using this language to help me understand something.
A dragon to help me see what I am dragging on.. this cannot drag-on much longer or else..
A threat is implied in these creatures.
A threat to investigate or perish unwittingly from.

Contextualized the Last 12 Years: Day 6

This blog is written after an important conversation I had with a Destonian I have rarely talked to. I will keep it short because I must sleep, but my commitment to write a blog stands here so I must write.

The last 12 years of my life in relationship to Desteni and the materials of the beings through the portal and Bernard Poolman have been coming into question for the past 5 years. 

Only now with this conversation that I just had have I been able to start seeing everything that’s happened in a new perspective. Things are starting to have context that never had context before and I can see much of my error and the errors of others within this.

Let me start off by saying I realize I know nothing (again). I know nothing about what all of this really is, as far as what I think I know which is the contents of my mind. Projections, reactions, imaginations, self-doubt and fears have clouded my understanding of what I have gone through. I thought I was just a hopeless loser that none of this was going to work for. I thought that most of you were light years ahead in self perfection. What I have read and understood was largely my own mental projections which are all in error to some degree because of the flaws of my own mind. 

I have developed ideas, beliefs, feelings/emotions, perceptions, attitudes, and inferiority/superiority complexes in relationship to the beings and the materials they have created. It’s all been a big misunderstanding and communication was not achieved like I believe. It all needs to be reinvestigated.

I am becoming free of these things through getting to know the beings and their material in one-on-one conversations with others. I have also dared to question myself in relationship to the names as words involved in all of this. My vocabulary as it has been developed is made up of wrongful interpretations and assumptions about things which I knew nothing about first hand. I was becoming aware of this years ago and it is becoming fruitful now.

What serves me best in these moments is not taking what is said for granted, nor who is saying it for granted. I have begun investigating myself and my own relationships to each being and the words they speak. I find that I always just assumed I knew what was being said to me and I am ceasing this behavior more often.

The fruits of this are, I have began to get new perspective and context on all that I have exposed myself to for the past 12 years and things are starting to make sense. My resistances are becoming clear as is my self honesty within those resistances. I am relieved to come back to my self and reality again. I now realize that as I am, I am enough to walk my process and share myself as I am. There has been lots of shame and guilt in my process about not being good enough, more self honest, more studious, more consistent, more disciplined, more committed, and more everything. It has only held me back in fear as inferiority paralyzed me and prevented me from applying myself. I have lived intimidated by what is being presented. It no longe scares me on an existential level. 

I have not allowed myself to share for many years because I felt I had betrayed principle after principle and application after application. I have missed many breathes, many opportunities, many connections, many moments to reach out, many moments to get help.. I have been far from perfect and consistent. In my eyes, I had not walked at all nor had I stood. My process has been alienating and very alone.

I have always been waiting to get better, to see myself differently, to perfect myself to a point of achievement, to a point of being exemplary before I could become an example.. before I could begin visibly sharing and expressing.

I realize now that there is no success needed to walk. I will certainly fail and fall. It is more certain than I will succeed. I have feared that all I would have to offer is an example of what not to do or who not to be. 

What I understand now is that is all out fo the window. It is garbage. I am who I am right here and there is no condition upon me needed before I can take up this process and walk. I can walk in whatever condition I am and apply myself as I am. Mistakes are welcomed. Imperfection is allowed along the road to self perfection. If anything, being in my fallen and goofy state full of foolishness is the best I could ask for to begin waking my process and applying myself.

I have addictions and self trust issues. I can be inconsistent and flakey. I can isolate and be lazy. These are all things I can correct within myself, but I do not need to eliminate these for me to begin right here and act today to make changes.

Just because I am not the shining star right now, doesn’t mean I can’t set an example that will support someone else. 

To walk with principles and to use these tools, it is not on me to never fail - in fact, most of what I do will be questionable! That’s great! Because I get to ask myself questions and have others ask me questions which will give us opportunities to learn.

I am here to learn and I am willing to change. That means I’m going to encounter challenges and fuck up. The whole name of the game is standing back up again. There is no guarantee I will get it right the first time or even the 51st time.

I am going to take the mess of gifts and curses I am today and take myself through the process that will sort this out into something of worth living. Something worth giving to the entire world.

There is no reason to wait.

No matter how bad I feel, I can act.

No matter how ugly I look, I can make a difference.

No matter how scared I am, I can change.

I do not need to feel better, as I am.. it can be done.

There is no requirement on my being to apply myself.

There is no condition I need to justify forgiving myself and moving forward.

I gift myself this chance to live, no matter my past or current state.

What is Holding me Back? (Self-Perfected Shout-out) : Day 5

 I am part of the Self-Perfected group on Facebook (I suggest joining us if you want to find your people).

This was the weekly challenge given on the 20th:

Date/Time to "take apart" and "process" my 1 thing holding me back.

SO. WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK? 
THE NUMBER 1 THING.

Today is the day I decided, right this moment, to open it up.

I am here to do exactly that, because I need that more than anything.
My next logical steps, I have found, are not the things I can clearly see that I "should" do for the result that I see is best for me. The issue i've arrived at, with much resistance, is that my next logical steps are not steps that clearly lead me to the result i'm looking for (building my business, making more money, stopping the excuses). My next logical steps are the ones I want to avoid entirely and skipping past to get to the step (that I am also avoiding/resisting) because these next logical steps are not clear within me how or why they will matter in terms of where I want to go. To get where I want to go, it seems like a straight shot.. I can see the physical actions that would make a difference and help me achieve my results. The next logical steps I need to take are looking at the thing(s) I want to forget about.. just get over.. move on from.. so that I can focus on  creating my future and what is best for all ( and best for me ).

That next logical step I am looking at is dealing with my addictions. You can call them distractions and that would also be true. They are my emotional instability and the way I am living that threatens my future and my ability to create it. That which is stealing my time and taking me away from what should be my priority. The things that I have made my priority, where what I am doing prior to everything else is participating in self-sabotage in such a way I threaten the rest of my life with these minor decisions in every day that subtly take me closer and closer to a miserable life not worth living.. where I may end up dead, diseased, or in prison.

I cannot share all the details of the path I have walked thus far to get here. Here being the place of potential, a space where I can resolve these issues, and change myself + the course of my life.

This blog series may take multiple writings and I may take it into private writing depending on what is safe to disclose.

The one thing holding me back is addiction/distraction/escape/suppression. These points come together as one, because where one opens up so do the others.

The demon-monster I have to face is my addiction to energy and things that give me energy with which to live in an illusion and feel-good alternate realities of my mind. Where I can feel good just for a second, to not have to face my reality. To not have to feel something I am afraid of.

I have been an addict since I was young, not able to recognize it until I was older and faced some consequences of my addiction that had become severe. I have been in jail, debt, broke, broken relationship after broken relationship, loss of material possessions, mental health, and physical health.

If it was all as easy as "just stop", I would have done so by now.
Unfortunately, for those of us who had it deeply ingrained in our programming through imprints and beings who support the imprint of addiction in us as we grow up - the cycle of self abuse through the abuse of substance(s) is generational and can be quite intense.

I have been turned against myself since I was young, by the removal of my center in elementary school.
The way my center was removed as a child, was by an imposition made by the teachers and the school system that I had behavioral problems. I could not FOCUS or PAY ATTENTION... the first thing you know about FOCUS is it is CENTRAL.. it means the center of your focus is compromised, subject to distraction by stimulation outside of you. Your focus is not your own and it has been corrupted by hyper-activity - by high energy stimulus. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 and since then I ate strongly dosed amphetamine pills. 

This diagnosis and the feeding of pills as my pillars of support was the fist direct attack on my psyche and body, to separate me from my focus which has been possessed and obsessed with hyper-attention (they call it distraction) to energetic stimulus. I was a wild-child, free-spirited, fun-loving being that needed to be sedated for the needs and requirements of schooling.

That moment, upon reflection, reveals to me that I was given (and received) the messages that I am not enough on my own to function at the center of my being. I was doomed to external stimulus shifting my attention. I was corrupted (core-rupture) and thus would erupt from the rupture and explode with energy as hyper-activity. I was definitely quite the hyperactive child, which I suppose was from my first energy-addiction as sugar. I was always defined by the energy within me which was fed to me, to always be chasing more of it.. as an adrenaline junky, a gaming addict, a mischievous trouble-maker, taboo as can be, and a trespasser. I could not be still for long before I went on some adventure that invited risk into my life.. risks that I was without hesitation ready to take.

The solution to they came up with for my (mis)behavior and rebelliousness was to convince me that I was separate from my ability to focus, would always struggle with a challenge to FORCE myself to focus, and that because I was unable to calm myself.. I had no reach or grasp on my core.. that which would give me function over my focus.. therefore- my relationship with myself at my core/focus was deemed separated from me.. my only hope was to medicate my self.
This set a precedence for me to validate an external pill as a pillar of support in becoming stable.
This set a precedence for me that I am broken inside at my very core/focus.
This set a precedence that a chemical can be used to give me what I lack and that I could not resource this ability within myself through my own biological chemistry.

I was thus, now always in conflict with myself over controlling myself and my impulses and constantly having to choose between my "natural" state which I had defined as hyper, chaotic, obnoxious, and energetic (which I enjoyed and had great fun in being that).. or the pill or chemical that would 'stabilize' me in my core and allow me to focus, thus giving me the ability to function like a "normal" human being and go through this system as it was intended for me to go through it to become an adult.

These issues, indeed at their most basic level, imply that you are never going to grow up to become successful unless you find a way to FOCUS - because your core is broken, you will always be living in conflict with what to do with yourself - it BREAKS THE TRUST YOU HAVE WITH YOUR SELF. 

It was one of the defining moments that broke me within trusting my natural learning ability - because I was explicitly told that I had a SERIOUS LEARNING PROBLEM - I AM A DISRUPTIVE FORCE.

Where is this all going?

I was diagnosed as having a core-problem.. I cannot focus, therefore I need drugs to help me calm down and sit before information that would bore me fairly quickly and actually focus on it long enough to complete the work.

The starting point for what I am dealing with goes back even before my experience in school.
I watched someone close in my life struggle with and deal with similar issues to me, all the way back to his childhood is how far back his issues went, that is what I learned.
The same with my another significant person in my family, to some degree; I learned the same thing about them.

There was drugs, alcohol, rebelliousness, fast lives, dangerous lives full of adrenaline seeking, and all the resulting inability to remain stable that came with it.. unable to properly focus on the future.. to build a life for themselves that they are happy with... and then the resulting imprisonment to the misery of having been possessed for so much of your life to chasing experiences.. going through highs and lows.. whatever the energy may be = women/men, relationships, drugs, some enticing distraction is always there to keep you from getting still and looking long into the future and who you are + will be if you continue living this way.

I am not here to air their issues - only mine. I don't know every detail of their story, only mine.
This is about me and I only mention my family as a point of reference to understand what I am facing on a genetic level that is choicelessly decided for me, just as it was done for them. I blame no one for this.

What I am bringing this up for is to show that within my genes is the memories of my ancestors, which I inherited the moment I was conceived.

These patterns run deep into the past and now into my body. The games, sugar, drugs, alcohol, porn, women (relationships, love, sex) have dominated my mind extensively - to the point I cannot say I know anything more familiar than these subjects. These are the subjects of my extravagant and traumatic excursions through entertainment and mental-masturbations.

All of my addictions have been the primary sole-cause preventing me from living my full potential.
I was clean and sober for about 2 years around 2015 until the Spring of 2017, when I had a very bad breakup. I made some exceptions to my principles and unwittingly opened up the flood gates. I had compromised my standing to help save a relationship, and it didn't work (I don't suggest conceding or compromising on the things which orient your life and bring some order to the world).

I fell off the wagon and slowly but surely.. 
I was back in throes of a creating an addiction where I was doing things on an infrequent basis, which is unacceptable to me because I saw the integrity in abstinence, but even just a casual cycle of use can start to throw you off.. and I was already emotionally unstable from the break-up, so here I was signing up for another ride throughout the years to resolve.

I went from being quite stable, directive, disciplined, and ready to show up for my life every day from the moment I opened my eyes... to throwing away consideration for my responsibilities, my future, my work, and so many other things that structured my life and kept the business of my life running.

I have to skip some private details here for practicality purposes.. but where I stand today, I am still dealing with some of these addictions to energetic distractions. I am afraid to feel things I don't want to feel. I know there is a dragon underneath my house, monsters under my bed, and skeletons in my closet... none of which I have felt remotely ready to face until now. I have been living with the stormiest cloud over my head with threats of death towards my freedom, life, health, relationships, and future.

When will I finally start taking this apart and processing it?

Well, what I have realized is I can start to process it now even while it is still happening.
I used to think I could not deal with it until I had stopped.
I have been utterly ashamed of what I have done and who I have become, none of which I am now.. but still share a resemblance to. I am here for the revival of myself from within these harbingers. I am here to  change my relationship to these points, so that the conflict within me may end.
I have found that turning against them does nothing but polarize and in that polarity a cycle of returning back to them happens.. therefore, I am here for transcendence and integration of these points within myself.

I cannot escape the darkness in me, I can only change my relationship to that which constitutes it and the darkness itself.
I have recently understood, through a conversation with someone with profound insight, that the ugly truths about those of us with hardcore relationships to addiction.. it may be that we never get away from it. That it is not as simple as it first looks. The solutions are simple in many cases, yes, but the way they are solved is not so straightforward.

First of all, the damage I do to my own self-image for what I do or have done will not help.
The shame, guilt, pain, misery, escapism, and all that I judge myself for and beat myself up for - it will never change through what I produced in participation of it.

Feeling bad doesn't change me, although it may help sometimes, because /I change me/.
I may do the things I despise most about myself again.. I may make the same mistake again..

Yet, what counts is getting back up and moving forward.
Forgiving myself for the abuse of my substance through substance-abuse is the one of the priorities in working on myself within this.

The second is pushing myself back to what has given me passion and purpose in life - because it is in these things that I am able to almost effortlessly leave these things behind.. because the mind and life of an addict is so self-centered and selfish.. the solution is in changing self to be unlimited through unconditionally serving a purpose higher than just myself and my pain/pleasure.

The solution is in the problem and the solution will often look similar to the problem.. if we can see and apply the common sense in the principle that, "like cures like".

This video here is relevant to what I aim to apply in order to solve this problem of what's holding me back: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=great+leaders+do+what+drug+addicts+do

After watching this video, I realize there is a potential for my greatest weakness to become my greatest strength... that what is holding me back can be the very key to what moves me forward.
And as long and hard as this has held me back, I think of it like a bow and an arrow... 
I have drawn back, held my self back, and when I can finally orient this resistance I am facing to something much greater than myself - by aiming for the stars - then I can let go and watch my focus bring me to the bullseye of my life.

------

Taking this writing of myself to freedom into practical steps;

What is holding me back? Addiction which is also distractions/escapism (drugs, games, porn, social media)

What can I do to take a step forward? Forgive myself for the shame that has-me (anagram of shame), get off the guilt trip I am giving myself, stop feeling sorry for myself and get out the pit of pity, orient myself to what is best for all.. that which will have me resting among the stars... and let go of all the contracting parts of myself holding on to watch me move forward with great precision and speed.

I can look at HOW I will eventually stop after I slow down within these points.. but more importantly, I will look into the WHY behind I will stop.. because there isn't really a "HOW" to stop.. I know I can stop.. it's a matter of choice or decision in a moment that is fully supported - so that it is a FULL STOP with the FULL FORCE of my PRESENCE. 

I will not fool myself here by making any promise, it is a process to be taken one at a time and assessed within each step. I have stopped before and I can stop again.

--


Self-Forgiveness to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I doubt somewhere within myself that I will stop because I know that as long as I accept these substances and objects in my life to distract me through giving me pleasure... I will have a lapse in my judgment and allow myself to use that which I have allowed to remain here around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's impossible for me to stop because I have tried before and I can't quite explain to myself in any way without excuse why I am back where I said I would never go again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never giving up that which I have used to destroy myself and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of drugs.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of women.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of gaming.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of sugar.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of that which gives me a high.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of porn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anything that might give me a high because I know how I behave and who I become when I get high on anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonize and separate myself from anything that I have had an addiction to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the complexity of addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self interest in me of having an addiction I can run to when i'm not feeling okay and want to escape or hide from what I am feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear when it comes to who I am as an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have become as an addict in the attic of my mind, isolated and in secret possession of things which get me off, get me high, and help me daydream of better things and feel better inside.

I forgive myself that I refuse to give up feeling good because I fear feeling so bad that there is nothing I know how to do to get rid of that bad feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to get rid of some really bad feelings I have inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself when I am alone with my dark thoughts and feelings, so I seek some escape from my own mind through some addiction to a particular type of energy to deal with the shit I see and feel in my own mind/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill myself with substance-abuse as these substances abuse my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that substance abuse is an attempt to replace the substance of life within the physical with an energetic high that destroys the body and separates me from who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed substances separated from myself to define myself and to define them as the key to change, the key to fun, and the key to feeling better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the damage I have done to myself as my body and my mind through drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the visible effects my addictions have had to me and my body + mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to numb the pain within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this statement of "oh shit" within me, like, "what have I done?" and to reel in fear of what I have done to myself and the shit i've gotten into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing this post with anyone because it starts to reveal more of who I am, the part of me that I hate, fear, judge, have damaged, and am ashamed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as a drug user/abuser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to talk about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that there is no solution to this other than to stop, which may be true, but I am afraid of the consequences because I have not stopped completely yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I had more to say write now that had some hope or answer to everything I had written, yet there is none at the moment. 

I can only take a step forward and leave this behind, to choose a new person to be tomorrow and set an example for those walking with me or by themselves.

----

Self-Corrective Statements to Core-rect the Core:

I realize I can just throw everything I have away that I am abusing and not pick up anymore.

I realize I can limit my use of the computer to that which is productive and limit my social media use to interacting with others in a meaningful way.

I realize I can build my business and focus on that, because there is greater purpose within that which extends well beyond me.

I realize I can keep walking and working with DIP because that is also purposeful and meaningful and it will allow me to more effectively process my points within addictions to many things.

I realize I can investigate this writing again tomorrow and expand on it some more, because many points opened up and I have only narrowly guided myself through a few of them in the self forgiveness.

I realize I can look at what my passion and purpose in life is, that way my mind will not be filled and prioritizing drug use over that which serves life itself and those around me.

I realize there is redemption.

I realize I can be vulnerable and allow myself to get help.

When and as I see myself going into doom and gloom over my various addictions which weighs on me heavy, because of the many years I have participated in them, I choose to SLOW DOWN, STOP, and BREATHE. As I slow down, stop, and breathe.. I can take into consideration the consequences of my actions if I participate in the addiction... and when I do that, I commit myself to be sensitive to the consequences I am considering by placing myself in the shoes of all those I will affect - including empathy for myself - that way I can consider the consequences from a point of effectiveness as I am looking at how it will effect ME INCLUDED. That will make the consideration more effective, because I know once I face the consequences I will REALLY FEEL IT.. and I know it sucks once I get there, but I always tend to disregard it through insensitivity or apathy.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions more when faced with temptation as it is an energetic reaction leading me to an experience I have been through many times and there is no point I want to justify in what it does for me. I know that I have moments of bliss or relaxation or peace but they always come at a cost and are not real moments, so they are not worth considering when making a decision.

I commit myself to stop myself for a moment when I am impulsive and decide NO - to NOT do that thing, whatever is impulsively coming up, UNTIL I have considered all dimensions I possibly can - then I can reassess my decision.. but my decision to act impulsively is met with a NO as I am not looking out for myself.

I commit myself to look for more blogs, audios, interviews, and people who have walked this point within their specific life to a point they are satisfied with so that I can learn from others on what worked for them and what didn't.

I commit myself to following the examples of those who have dealt with such a strong pattern of addiction in their life, that were able to then live a life I want to live - so I can study the model of success that mirrors my life accurately.

I commit myself to give up the excuses and justifications I have for using and feeding my addictions.

I commit myself to listen to my body and what it is telling me when I am abusing it through substance abuse... because the real abuse of substance is happening to my body and that is unacceptable.

I commit myself to be more grateful for my body who has carried me so far through this gauntlet and allowed me to reach a foreseeable conclusion to this mad adventure.

I commit myself to standing up and standing out as best as I can until I can reach others like me, because I know how hard this is and has been.. and it would be of great service to accelerate the processes of many others like me to help them along.

I commit myself to acting intelligently in my best interest by prioritizing this issue that I have identified for now as the 1 thing holding me back the most, if it is in the way - then it is the priority today until it is no longer!

I commit myself to coming up with more specific solutions to what I have written.

I commit myself to ascertain a solution that I am absolutely certain about will work.. to then test it out.

I commit myself to keep applying myself and sharing to make a difference in this world, despite not having all my shit together and feeling like a hypocrite or like I am unworthy of what I want to do and who I want to be because of what I participated in.

I commit myself to reread these blogs and go through my statements with a fine-tooth comb to fine-tune what I have written.. by calling out vague ways of writing and impractical parts.

The Leaders are Readers: Reading with Clarity of Purpose : Day 4

Yesterday, I went into WRITING. 
I am going to clarify myself within the basics of this process and give myself a context that supports my various applications within process.
The work must be defined otherwise we cannot see it + do it, yet the work also cannot be done without the tools specifically required to do the work.
For every vision, there is a tool that is purposed to it.
The potential of what could be is realized within the tools that are here, so becoming clear on what we have as the tools will make the the "how" and the "why" the work will work
Tools serve the purpose of the worker and thus reveal ours within our use of them.
If it isn't clear yet, the work is the word and thus our work revolves around the living word.
Writing, reading, speaking, hearing/listening, physical actions, and thinking/self-reflection are the multiple dimensions of the word to clarify as they constitute our response-ability and senses of self - our sensory tools that make sense of what is here as the living word.

Onto the point: READING.

I do not have Destonian context from the wiki to share or Bernard quotes to reference.
I will draw from Osho's words for a moment, because I can recall some of his words on reading and find some more:

“You can use reading as a food for the ego. It is very subtle. You can become knowledgeable; then it is dangerous and harmful. Then you are poisoning yourself, because knowledge is not knowing, knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom has nothing to do with knowledge. Wisdom can exist in total ignorance also. If you use reading just as a food for the mind, to increase your memory, then you are in a wrong direction. But reading can be used in a different way; then reading is as beautiful as anything else in life”

And more here: Silence allowing being

A quote from there:

People continuously ask me.. I go on reading continuously so they ask me, "Why are your eyes still okay? You must have needed specs long ago."

You can read, but if you are reading silently with no thought, the energy comes back. It is never wasted. You never feel tired. My whole life I have been reading twelve hours a day, sometimes even eighteen hours a day, but I have never felt any tiredness. In my eyes I have never felt anything, never any tiredness. Without thought the energy comes back; there is no barrier. And if you are there you reabsorb it, and this reabsorption is rejuvenating. Rather than you eyes being tired they feel more relaxed, more vital, filled with more energy.


-----

What is revealed here within Osho's example?
Again, another leader and a rare man who found self through self with an extreme reading habit.
Leaders are Readers with hours of reading a day, thus they are READy for anything. 
They can seemingly see it all and look very long into themselves, others, and the future.
Because what is reading but looking? What else is seeing if it isn't also reading?
It is listening to the eyes, as he indicated by reading SILENTLY.. silent = listen.
No thought is needed to see or listen. No energy needs to be wasted in the process.
He has done it so long, there is no effort.

He mentions that we can, and most of us likely do, read for the ego.
The starting point when we are reading is of paramount importance, just like I was pointing to with writing.
This brings me to the point of study: 

When we study - study to apply or do not 'study' at all.
Knowledge without application is useless.


Self-Forgiveness to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read to feed my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I knew how to read effectively.

I forgive myself that I would study without intent to apply myself.

I forgive myself that I read to accumulate knowledge and information and to increase my memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take reading for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK when I am reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use THINKING as a form of READING where the voice in my head speaking the words is the one processing information and applying it to imagination - conjuring up pictures and other mental content to go along with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in consuming knowledge and information like a robot-zombie looking for brains to digest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue knowledge as a form of power and control over myself and others, only to become corrupted through the ingestion of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading because I know that if I develop an effective reading habit, I will naturally become a leader in my life and with the purpose I have set here for myself - I will be able to help others lead themselves, too. Reading directly leads to an increase in vision.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself clarity on my starting point in relationship to reading and the other basics of who I am within words, such as writing.. listening.. speaking.. thinking.. and acting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read for pleasure, which is to be living by/for experience and not within principle.

I forgive myself that I have not read very much.

I forgive myself that I have read only when I am motivated to do so, which even then isn't very much.

I forgive myself that I have not read the blogs, words, and books of those who apply themselves within the principles and purposes I have accepted and set for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not read other blogs in the journey to life series.

I forgive myself that I have not investigated my relationship to reading.

I forgive myself that I have treated reading as a chore and thus reading is something that I do not enjoy and makes me tired.

I forgive myself that I am tired when I read and just want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect reading and it's importance, to also neglect investigating it until I am clear who I am within reading and what I will do to change this relationship within me.

----------

Self-Corrective Statements that get to the Core:

When and as I see myself still confused about who I am within reading, what the importance of reading is, and/or why I am reading - I stop and I breathe.
I consider the small and subtle shifts in my starting point when/as I am reading. I look at the dimensions of myself and my experience within reading, to read what is going on within me as I reading.. thus reading more into about reading and my relationship to reading.

I realize that reading will help me be as ready as I can ever be as reading and readiness are directly related in their spelling.

I realize readiness is when I have read until the instructions are readily accessible within me, thus I can act, speak, do, write, listen immediately and with intent.

I realize reading isn't "harmless" and that I have taken this basic fundamental of being human for granted, just like I have with writing, speaking, thinking, and acting.

I realize that I must develop an effective and consistent reading habit to see myself through to the end and grow exponentially in a way that I can support myself and others to be ready when the time comes.

I realize that reading is the basis of education.

I realize that reading is a fundamental right I must gift to myself and others, so that we may have a free and just world for all one day.

I commit myself to change my starting point and relationship with reading to one that is best for all, where I am clear on who I am within reading, why I read, and what reading means in terms of it's support for everyone to become the best they can be.

I commit myself to applying myself within reading, where when I read - I am a student that is ready to act on what it is I am processing in this moment.

I commit myself to read with the intent to apply what is best within what I see, to do that which I can see - because what I see is what I can do. This means I will take what is here within the writings available to me and make something physical of them, to test the words out in my own life and create with them a result that supports myself and everyone else... 

I commit myself to read material that is practical, meaning it can be practiced or that it offers an input to an action, making potential active by giving steps for it to become real.

I commit myself to fill in the details of my own life where they apply when I am reading, meaning that I do not wait for the author of whatever expression I read to remain information that is separate from who I am = I will look into how my individual life fits (or doesn't) into what I am reading and then make it real as my own through placing it here into actions that reflect my potential within the words I see.

I commit myself to working with words as words are the work that must be done - meaning they must become physical - as words are the basis for education which spells "DUE ACTION" - these words must come to pass an action lived and paid forward.

I commit myself to make reading real through being real with myself about what I am reading and where what I am reading is leading me to.

I commit myself to question where I am going within what I am reading and to stand within principle and practice/testing when reading.

I commit myself to further clarify the reading point as more opens up. This ends here for tonight.

Are you clear on why you write? : Day 3

Bear with me and get through this, because I want us all to write things others will want to read and I think this investigation will help. If nothing else, make sure to check out the references I took from the Destonian Wiki.

Undertaking this journey to life in writing, it is important to understand it for the first time in a way that directly relates to self and working with self.

It is important to make multiple distinctions here that most have never even considered. 
Writing has always just been to place words visibly - for the purpose of communicating ideas, telling a story, selling a product, reviewing an experience, venting to the air, or for whatever other purpose was given to us through school, work, or other institution or authority.

What purpose has writing served you for most of your life? Why were you given the ability to write? Who handed you this tool in the first place and how have they shown you to use it?

Writing has the power to stabilize and free us from our own thoughts or it can weave me further into the web of my mind and exaggerate reactions.

THESE NEXT REFERENCES ARE IMPORTANT AS THEY RELATE TO THE PURPOSE OF WRITING USED IN THIS BLOGGING. THEY ARE BORROWED FROM THE DESTONIAN WIKI.

"

Writing Yourself to Freedom

Self-writing – or also referred to as "writing yourself to freedom" – is the application of self as sitting down in front of a keyboard, or a collection of white papers armed with a pen, too then start writing. And not everything is to be written – it's no dairy – but it's instead you for the first time being self-intimate, as you explore the depths of your mind, and dig up, define, and put a name to all of that which happens within and without. It's you learning to understand yourself, as well as your world, as you type everything of yourself out and within this place new statements of yourself to be lived.

And so you type out the past and create the new as the correction to be lived – because self-writing is you discovering your weaknesses, and the points you've for so long attempted to supress and hide – now they'll glaringly stair you in the eye as words on the paper or screen in front of you, and as such you're now obliged to place down the correction – as you're to change your weaknesses into strenghts.

Thus – self-writing is the process of walking oneself out of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and into the physical, as you write out your inner chatter, reactions, and your physical behaviors, your inner most secrets, shame, guilt – all of it! You reveal it all and consquently allow yourself to let it go – and you open up the door for self-correction, self-creation and the eventual stand of yourself as self-perfection; it all starts with writing.

With self-writing you open yourself up and used together with self-forgiveness it's extremely effective. Through self-writing you map the points out, and through self-forgiveness you let them go, and with self-corrective statements you place your correction to be lived – this is how process is walked. Thus – self-writing is in-fact oneself walking process and 'working' with oneself.

Though there is a difference between self-directed writing, and mind-regurgitated writing (also called verbal diarrhea)."

"

Self-Directed Writing

Self-directed writing is the application of yourself as knowing where you're going with your writings – and that is towards a solution, towards a conclusion, towards you actually making a statement for yourself through your writings as how you're going to change yourself, and become a more effective human being.

Within the application of self-directed writing there is no unnecessary words being placed – one write that which one see is required for one to support oneself to stand up from a experience, or give direction to a point, or gain clarity on a situation; and when it's done one stand up silent, stable and able – ready to go out into reality and live the self-correction.

Something to look out for when determining whether you're writing self-directed is your physical experience of yourself: when writing self-directed you'll become clear, silent and still within yourself.

"

"

Mind-Regurgitated Writing

Mind-regurgitated writing is the opposite of self-directed writing – it's when you write hours on ends about one point, and you circle and re-write, but you never actually arrive upon a conclusion and never give yourself any clear self-direction. You but instead write, write and write (verbal diarrhea) until the sun goes down, the moons goes up, months passes and you grow old – jokes aside: it's when you don't conclude your writings.

Realize and understand that self-writing is but a tool for your to give yourself self-direction, clarity and stability – though to do this you must actually use your writing as a self-statement, and direct your writing as yourself – wherein you end verbak diarrhea and instead give yourself a solution = this is how I am going to live from now on – this is what I will stop – this is what I will apply self-forgiveness upon – etc.

One way to notice that you're participating in mind-regurgitated writing is that you don't seem to get anywhere, and there is no silence, clarity or release experienced within – then you know it's time to take direction of yourself as your words.
"

"

Thoughts and the Nature of Self

Your thoughts represent that nature of you – what exists within your thoughts is what you have accepted and allowed you to be.

Writing is not a reflection of thought – in writing you are here in the moment, what you write is who you have become in this moment, as in writing you see yourself before you clearly. Thus, writing is a reflection of you as who you have accepted and allowed you to be and become – so you literally see you as you write/type right infront of you. In this – you are able to transform you, because in seeing you before you – here you self honestly are able to transform the nature of you – through applying self forgiveness as you write. And you will most certainly realise/understand much of you as you write within and as self honesty as you.

Suggestion is to sit down, write and see what’s here – and accordingly adjust you as you write/type – transform you in the words you write.
"

-----------------------------------------


Self-Forgiveness Statements to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write myself in endless circles and never reach a conclusion in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write mind-regurgitation where I am just saying something I have already heard others say and am repeating things without investigation into the contents of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write whatever is on my mind without directing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write aimlessly.

I forgive myself that I have never considered why I am writing or what I am doing when I am writing.

I forgive myself that I have not looked at who I am within what I am writing, or even considered for real that I can see who I am in what I am writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an unclear starting point within my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I already know how to write the way that is best for all, that I already know how to place words in such a way that I reach conclusions that have physical effects in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe all writing comes from the same place and to never consider or question the ways in which one can apply themselves within writing.

I forgive myself that I have written without the intent to change, to physically apply and effect myself in a way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind to write on my behalf.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take writing for granted, as if I know something about writing, when all I know is that I can write.

I forgive myself that I do not stop to reflect on where I am going within what I am writing.

I forgive myself that I let my mind go wildly in different directions when writing, giving power and authority to the storm of my mind to determine the words that appear.

I forgive myself that I write without end.

I forgive myself that I write something no one will read.

I forgive myself that I write things no one wants to read.

I forgive myself that I write too much.

I forgive myself that I write obsessively in a possession.

Self-Correction Statements:

When I see that I am writing the same points over and over again, never coming to conclusions, regurgitating things from my mind, fueling reactions, and distracting myself from moving forward towards physical actions that change and correct my behavior - I stop and I breathe. 

I consider where I am going within my writing and why I am writing what I am writing in the first place. I ask myself, "what is my starting point right now?" and I answer that question immediately with what I can see. I make sure to check my experience of myself as I am writing to see if I am going into my head more or if I am settling more into my body and becoming stable + silent. 

If I am not becoming more stable and silent within my writing, I STOP WRITING. 
I take a moment to walk away, breathe, and check in with my body..
I come back to writing being aware of my body from head to toe, doing whatever is necessary in that moment to come back here and be present.. so I can keep it simple with my symbols.

I commit myself to slow down just before getting into my writing by slowing down the pace of my breathing and checking my heart rate.. I look at how quickly my mind is going and see if what i'm doing is helping slow the thoughts and release the energies.

I commit myself to get physical through touching my body from head to toe and breathing.

I commit myself to get physically stable and comfortable through laying down or stretching for a moment when I am going too fast and too much in my mind.

I commit myself to being present within my body when I am writing, by scanning my body with my awareness and considering the tension and comfortability in my body.

I commit myself to adjust my writing when I see it is too much.

I commit myself to writing in such a way that it is best for all and what that means.

I commit myself to writing things that I would want to read and would enjoy reading, thus following the golden rule of giving as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to consider if what I am writing is something I would like to receive from someone else, or if it appears to be a waste of time. My last blog felt a little more over the top and like a labor that somebody may be disinterested in.

I commit myself to simplicity.

The Abandoned Draft and Consequence: Day 2

This was in my drafts when I looked at my account yesterday, the last thing I wrote and failed to publish before abandoning the JTL blogging in 2017.

It was titled “Writing, sharing, getting in touch with others - nah, fuck that: Day 15“

It’s quite obvious what happened after I began writing it.

I want to post it to expand on the lessons learned from the consequences of accepting this as my last post.

Here it is:

Not writing, not sharing, not getting in touch with others.

It has been 3 months since I have wrote anything in my journey to life blog. I also have fallen off with doing any sharing or getting in touch with others. I committed to doing that and things get worse when I don't. But, I still say fuck it and fuck that and who cares when I see that i'm just not doing it. And it doesn't make a difference that I don't do it. There's only a difference if I do these things.

—————————-

That was my final word before discontinuing participation in writing or sharing.

It is true, there’s only a difference if I do the writings, the self forgiveness, the introspection, the sharing in self honesty, and the actions that correct accordingly.

My apathy and indifference beyond this point led to nothing changing.

I spiraled further out of control in an unabated mood of self destruction.

I lost sight of purpose in what I was doing and with no structured practice that would lead to self correction, which is what the writing does, I went with the path of least resistance aka the patterns of my past.

Apathy leads to a-pathetic disposition.

Indifference to what makes a difference disregards my ability to change.

Let’s forgive this mistake:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose apathy and indifference to what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a path that makes no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk the path of apathy, where I no longer care what happens and submit to the fate of other forces beyond me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgo writing as the right thing where I’m forgiving and righting the wrong turns I take against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘fuck it’ and start fucking around until I’m fucked again by my fucked attitude as the ‘fuck it’ of apathy and indifference to writing myself out, sharing, and getting in touch with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences of this attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will send myself into time loops of facing consequences when I walk away from processing my life and authoring my experiences and living by principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded to and ignorant of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence myself to years of facing myself and falling without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to process this life purely by walking in time through experience after experience without the support of the tools I have available to me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I resist the tools, it means I am resisting the work, because it is only through the tools that I can work on and build the structures of my life that will support me to live and create effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer because I don’t want to do the work on a bad day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe anything will get better if I quit putting in the time and effort to perfect myself through reprogramming myself in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a passive death instead of an active life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wither away instead of building myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate consequence instead of processing my life in self honesty where I can put a stop to what I would face if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my fallen state as permanent and refuse to get back up because it seems easier to stop caring and just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I make no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these points go unchallenged within me and to just go along with the outflows of these thoughts and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unnecessary pain and consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the worst for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck off and fuck around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with fire, deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the evil that deliberately abuses self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anti-life programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take risks without considering the consequence.

When I see that I am about to give up my writing, I stop and I breathe. I simply won’t accept this thought or feeling as valid and stop participating in the reasoning behind it.

When I see that I am tempted to walk without the tools and do no more work, I stop and I breathe. The work is what makes this all work. It doesn’t work unless I do. I commit myself to the work, 24/7, 100% with no breaks because life doesn’t take breaks. I balance my life with work, so work is not a problem.

I commit myself to define the tools.

I commit myself to define the work.

I commit myself to working all my life with the tools that work, to integrate them so they become my expression.

I commit myself to understanding the tools.

I commit myself to understanding the work.

I commit myself to all life and binding my work to all life in the interest of what is best for all life, because this is the work that is best for me and creates a world that works for everyone as my work expression is something that takes everything into consideration.

I commit myself to eliminating apathy and indifference.

I commit myself to eradicating the self interest of my ego.

I commit myself to show no mercy for the anti-life programming as it is insidious and sneaky.

I commit myself to writing for myself as all as one as equal, where all my words direct life to investigate self in self forgiveness and self honesty, bringing everyone and everything here to reconsider the way we are living.

I commit myself to stand as life in support of life.

I commit myself to understanding my commitment intimately, that what I write here may be free of empty promises.

I commit myself to specifying my words and simplifying them to a point of practicality, where actions are clearly defined and it is easy to see how what I say can and will be applied.

I commit myself to no escape as I am always here.

I commit myself to letting nothing slide.

I commit myself to letting nothing hide.

I commit myself to share.

Here, I am (again): Day 1

 I am here, to begin again.
Aware of the failures of my past to write these life reviews.
Letting that go to begin here again, for a gain in presence in my own life.
It seems so much goes when I am gone, the absence of my self leads to the loss of many other things in my life.
I want to be here and remain here.
I gave up writing and when I give up writing, that is the end of a tremendous support and stability.
Time to forgive and go for the correction.

I forgive myself for giving up on my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end the support of my writing exercises.

I forgive myself that I am depressed.

I forgive myself that I am scared.

I forgive myself that I fear what I have given up.

I forgive myself that I have walked away.

I forgive myself that I think I can just give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be miserable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite the doom that is my mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moodiness into my heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit righting myself through writing
.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed death within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed weakness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from what I know will make things better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone around me miserable through being depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control others through depression in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others through my sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think life is all gloom and doom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everyone down by letting myself down.

I forgive myself that I constantly allow downers in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take us all down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down into a pit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe reality is a downer, that everything is in this drowning downing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my ships by being a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my relationships by being depressed and controlling them with my negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a constant loser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed everything to get worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everyone with me into my depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that all I do is be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my depressing world view on those around me in subtle ways by shutting everything down until we're all sick with the same depressing view of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am the problem
.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me to dominate my life and keep me from sharing things about myself and life that are vulnerable (like this self forgiveness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut everything down and lock it in place, just like this quarantine is a shutting of things to go down and lock everyone in place during this time of sickness and disease.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this shutting things down and keeping it inside, to be miserable with emotion, IS the disease/sickness that is killing us - because we are not sharing or for-giving ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything so heavy it can only go down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way to lift these weights is to forgive them, as these weights are debts that pull and subtract from our life - sucking the life out of everything around us.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is the problem with our whole world - that there is not enough of us forgiving ourselves to release us from this weight of debt/sin we are carrying on our shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and everyone else to go into isolation where we will live our lives in misery as we are now separated from each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life and living - which is OUT HERE - by shutting it out and shutting myself down, never letting myself out of my head or my house to connect with others and share in a meaningful life of EXPRESSION.

I forgive myself that I do not accept and allow myself to push through my apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself depressed by thinking about how nobody cares, or how little others cares, when it is in reality me who is not caring.. because I am not sharing.. and so within this I start to confirm my own thoughts and feelings through not sharing because I believe no one cares.. It is not about them - it is about me! If I care, I share!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all of this and accept the projection as a truth that I did not make up in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on everyone else by giving up on myself and caring about myself through sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness through the perceived loss of myself and that which I care about in my life - the things I would share about in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the sadness is self created because I have accepted the perceived loss of what I care about in my life by NOT SHARING myself with others as that which I care about in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness in my life through my resistance to giving, my resistance to forgiving, in which I would share that which I see, understand, realize, and care about enough to account for and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I can begin AGAIN and in that - A GAIN is GIVEN because I GAVE AGAIN IN FORGIVENESS OF MYSELF.

I commit myself to be here, again, and share myself with others as I share with myself in writing that which I care about in this life.. the connection and meaningfulness inherent in my expression.

I commit myself to begin the correction today, after writing this, by sharing this post on my social media and with those close to me - so that I can be seen, again, and also give others their opportunity to realize themselves within these points as I am realizing them within me.. because I know I am not alone and neither are you who are reading this.

I commit myself to come back here again, tomorrow, to write again and discover more of myself through forgiving myself and allowing myself to expand - to breathe some life again - and explore these weights that must be lifted.. so that I can put a stop to this downing of the ship I am sailing.

I commit myself to give up on giving up and to keep giving myself through forgiving myself so that I may unconditionally apply myself again and again.. for a gain in life that is best for all.

I commit myself to be honest with myself about the negativity I have accepted as the unchangeable truth about reality, to investigate what I am personally responsible for making a permanent misery for myself and others. That is unacceptable as that is how I create hell for myself and others. 

I will meet myself in this hell and forgive myself until the gates of heaven open within me.