A Jump-Start, the Revival of All that is Dead, the Coming-back to/as Life : Day 11

I see a lot that is dead-in-mind, floating in the water like a limp, dying fish.
My process, my business, my clubhouse and community..
I am harsh on myself about what I see.
The little movement of life since last year and the growth that died off almost as soon as it began.
I overlook much of the great things that have happened and the changes that I made during this time.
I so badly wanted more to happen, for specific things to take off, and for me to automatically "get it" - to apply myself like a beast within what is best and revive the greatness within my being to expression.
I wanted my clubhouse to explode as well as my business, for everyone to get on board that showed any interest. Instead, it popped for a moment and fizzled out. I started out strong and then became clouded.
The clubhouse and community has given me and my wife some great experiences to reference. It has given us some friends and shown some potential in multiple people. I have seen a little bit of what I can do and how this all can go. I have come so close to a sale. I started walking my process with the tools more effectively and consistently. What I face every day in my mind though is that this should be more, I should have more members in the clubhouse.. I should have posted more.. I should have a client or two by now... I should have converted the small handful of members to active participants in process.. I should be giving more and making more things happen. This isn't good enough. I am afraid that my business is dead in the water. I am afraid that my clubhouse for Self-Perfected is dead in the water. I was afraid that my process was dead in the water and that essentially - I am dead in the water.. just floating.. being taken by the current.. finding the last bit of life in me to swim... to move in this water and decide where I will go instead of letting myself be taken.

Jump-Start. Why this word? Because we are looking at my starting point.. and we are looking at "jumping" back into things.. with life.. with the spark of life.. that will reignite and bring back from the dead or the near-death experience that I am having within my business, my process, and my community / clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am already dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am dead-in-mind, as in dead-inside, and that everything i'm doing is lifeless as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am brain-dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my business to die and be dead in the water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to myself what I have accepted and allowed and what has become of me and what is in my life that was/is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I am responsible for something like my business and still let it go, never directing it, never putting enough of myself into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in regret because of my failure to launch my business or my community-clubhouse successfully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in regret and pity because things haven't gone the way I had hoped or expected them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my lack of success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the currents of my mind within the current of time, as I am dead in this "water" and am being washed out and taken down stream - no direction of my own and where I will go with my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my life and what is happening in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself emotionally and mentally with my track record.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so harsh on myself and yet offer no support in actually breaking through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make a come back from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck and stay stuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and act hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking into and reflecting on my failures because of what I feel and what i'm afraid of feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling the pain from the memories of what went wrong in the beginning when I started my business, my clubhouse/community, and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within myself/my chest when I think about my business, my community, and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into war within my body/my chest/my stomach where I react to starting my business/my community/my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about everything I should have done in hindsight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in my mind about what could have been if I did what I should have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying again now that I have already failed because I don't want to be recognized as a failure trying to make something work, I fear that it will fail again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing again at the same thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try instead of do and to think I can try when I will do or I will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constrict my chest, my heart, and my lungs within/as my mind as a war/conflict within me where it is like someone has a grip on my breathing, a grip on my heartbeat, and I am having the life slowly squeezed out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out into the world and building my business, building my community / clubhouse, and getting things moving again through/by talking to new people.. making new relationships... and sharing with enthusiasm about what I am doing, why I am here, and who I am.. so that I may be a + 1 to the life of others around me and find the + 1's to my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do more for myself, to apply myself for myself, and accumulate the people, resources, training, skills, experiences, conversations, events, and time-in-practice to create a world that is best for me, best for all, and ultimately the life I want to live because I was avoiding facing my fear in/as other people and sharing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the opinion I believe others are holding secretly in their mind about me, about TechnoTutor, about Desteni, about Self-Perfected and to be unconsciously/subconsciously within the secrets of my mind holding onto this opinion/belief/thought and resonating it / projecting it into the world through my behavior that gets reflected back to me by others and by my own conscious thoughts about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am going to fail again even if I start over because of what I am still holding onto and how I still hold back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of how things went every other time and to hold back because of what I experienced during those moments which I am afraid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back because I am afraid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe something bad will happen if I let go of my fear, let go of my self, and go all in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the dead-end of/as my fear where life is stuck, where I am stuck, and to remain here because I would not challenge myself / forgive myself and share myself in the next breath.. to return to breath... which cannot be held onto for more than a moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to return to life in the next moment because I am afraid of living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the best life as what is best for all and learning to create that in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and give up on setting an example as myself as what is best for all with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see what I want to see and to only see the distorted image of my life, my process, what I am building.. never looking at what is actually here as the real actions.. the real measurements.. the real quantification of my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my fears about what I am doing, what is happening, and where I am going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I am doing, where I am going, and what is happening in my life... instead of taking into account all the facts... forgiving my feelings within/surrounding those facts... and understanding how to proceed from there given what my goals are.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my goals clearly, where I want to go, and to define the facts, the numbers, the actions, the systems that make up the reality of what is here as me / my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up within/as my mind where I am judging and determining my results instead of assessing them objectively in relationship to the goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is all over for me and to be finalizing my judgment of myself, my opinion of myself, my idea of myself, my self-image to then hide that conclusion in shame/guilt/fear with suppression... to also give up and submit to some other way of life because I have defined what I was doing / who I was / why I am here as a failed purpose/mission/objective and I am a failure in turn that must move onto something else where I might succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in previous failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reason with myself why I should give up and to buy-in to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can no longer continue living this way... (what way?)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can no longer continue living this way where I take on all that we have accepted and allowed, to daring to challenge the system within myself and building myself up to challenge the system at large, and to start accepting and allowing a life in submission to the system where I simply get with the program and stop making such a fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to die inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill everything I start with my dead-weight and baggage from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring down everything I start and create with the weight of my problems as the fearful memories of the past holding me back/down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crush my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crush my ambitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill my confidence.