Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Coward is Exposed by a Bad Trip: Day 2

I gave two dictionary definitions last time,
now I will share in my own words and a handful of quotes.
Then I will continue on with some stories of how cowardice has been understood and lived in my life.
Read what you want to and skip ahead at any time,
because I like to write as if every reader was just like me.

Let's begin.

Cowardice:
Cowardice is protection for fear. Cowardice is not seeing me for my fears and calling my self out into the open to challenge them. Cowardice is where fear finds a silent hiding place. A coward struggles to avoid death and finds the longest way to death. When the coward meets death, nothing was risked because all risk was avoided - the life of a coward ends with nothing gained, save for their regrets from risking nothing at all to live comfortably within their fear. A coward's home is fear itself, where life is about comfort and convenience. Cowardice is the most sound reasoning in a world made of fear. Cowardice does not appear, because it disappears when it is lived = cowardice is when one will not face one's self. Especially in moments of life or death where something is to be risked and much can be lost. Cowardice keeps things the way they are and if nothing else, seeks to keep self the way self is. Cowardice is a response to some perceived threat of self, a response that weakens the being yet the being is often believing that it somehow preserves them. Cowardice is the status quo for the system to maintain itself. Without cowardice, all of humanity could bear the forgiveness neccessary to end all suffering. Without cowardice, we could face each other without weapons and threatening negotiations. Without cowardice, we could act in spite of our fears and bring about solutions on earth. Cowardice is an embracing of fear that believes everything it says and pulls the strings on paranoia.


The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty.
George S. Patton


Our doubts are traitors, 
and make us lose the good we oft might win, 
by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare

Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for—YOU.
Shannon L. Alder

There is but one coward on earth, and that is the coward that dare not know. 
W.E.B. Du Bois
A coward is someone who goes for convenience rather than convictions.
Unknown

__

"where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.."
Yes, let's see.. I was left with something much more than a memory of what I went through. I felt something in "me" was permanently gone that had been "me", critical to "me", for so long.
I was looking for something to face within myself and found a form of death in me. I dare say I realized how dead I already was, and thus all my feelings, ideas, beliefs of the "life" I knew vanished.
I found an ever present fear in me that was always accessible and that fear killed "me", or at least the "me" that was somehow able to live ignorantly unaware of the fear. How much fear is to be uncovered in all of us? How much fear is to be realized? What of this world isn't out of fear?
I didn't realize this stuff in these practical terms at the time. My understanding looked like what happens when you uncover a volcanoe of fear deep within while extremely high on psychedelics.
I freaked the fuck out, this fear I saw in me is everywhere.
Our biology is practically designed out of the fear of death - it is at the heart of this "life"!
My gift from psychedelics was not the "love" and "light" everyone else seemed to find.
My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief,
where will this coward go now that he can see?

I want to be clear that it wasn't like I was never a coward before.
It is that all cowardice hides in the mind, and without a "safe" mind to hide in, all cowardice becomes exposed.
I had nowhere to hide anymore.
The last place on earth I could go for "refuge" from this reality had become the scariest place on earth.
The mind is where every coward goes, and from where every coward is exposed.


Next post will touch on Desteni and Destiny..

Sunday, August 28, 2016

A Coward in the Face of Destiny: Day 1

I originally had this first post titled Cowardice and My History with Desteni...
but this title fits what I have began to see more.

I also had a completely different idea of how I would make my first post...
but then things changed.

I think it has been over 2 weeks or so since I committed to writing this. And I put more time into writing about this writing than I have actually writing this! I realized what I have that I can share.. is too much for one sitting. And I don't even know how to really put it together except to start putting it together! I fully expect some emotions in this first post and aim to keep things somewhat tight on the topics. Forgive me otherwise.
One thing is certain to me in how I have come about writing this:
I have a point to make and it is for me to make it to the T (over time).

Let's begin.

I will give two definitions for us to share a simple reference:


----
Coward/Cowardice:1.

lack of courage to face danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.
2.
a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
----
Destiny
1.

something that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.
2.
the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.
3.
the power or agency that determines the course of events
------


In my eyes, I have been a huge coward in ways difficult for me to forgive. Because it has to do with my own destiny and the development of my self in relationship to the living of this word, 'Destiny' - and "Desteni" which challenged cores of my existence I didn't know existed - or that needed help. This is something I have not taken direct responsibility for and instead have lived out in secrecy, coveting the courage to be more visible and to exercise my own voice in life. At some point in this life, I introverted all my expressions that were of value because of the preferred easy way as a coward where I did not have to face myself before everyone and show what I have discovered within me that would certainly challenge anyone. That which I have discovered for the most part has to do with "Desteni"... and "Destiny". What I have found within Desteni is substantially effective in ways I could write about for many hours. And a great deal of what others have come to know about me and the values I hold as a being/body/mind are the result of applying material, direction, and suggestive guidance I originally sourced from Desteni. Stuff that over time has proved itself to me.
So - let's make this distinction clear before I continue sharing; I am responsible for my life, my results, who I am, what I do, and where I am - nothing and no one can have that responsibility. What I am saying about Desteni in my life is that the ingredients are sharp, quality, do-it-and-you-will-see proof-effective stuff. The proof is in the pudding.. A good cook is a good cook, but to have a source of the best quality is not easy and gives that good cook much better results. In all my foraging for quality support in this world, Desteni is one of my best findings. Ever. It is synonymous with the self I have looked to create for what seems to be beyond this one lifetime I am in. Desteni helped reveal me to my self within a given perspective that I now cannot fathom living without. What I have shown many people since then, in my own name and words, are things that I found there. Desteni is one of my best "secrets", lol. Cowardice is the reason I never revealed what I value and practice. Cowardice is the reason I never showed my support. I have obscured my resources because the truth of my life is extremely shocking to me. I know the weight of this cross well, and it is heavy.

Now why the cowardice?
This is the real fucker and the one that I want to dive into multiple examples of within multiple posts.
What I will share here now is the type of fear I was living in and "on my way out of" when I, yet again, fell as a coward in the face of my destiny
----
I was already somewhat of a coward before I had realized anything about the "something more" that I felt in me. An awkward coward finding his way back through ruins of self sabotage and alienation to simple dignities, functioning, and abilities. Because in the year or two before my introduction to Desteni, I had walked into a deep mindfuck and was freshly returning to some sense of sanity and reality. The story begins something like; I had never been so scared in my damned life until I fucked myself on psilocybin mushrooms. A trip in which I was terrorized within my mind for 12 hours with violent visual and auditory hallucinations that resulted in what I consider a death of whoever I was before. The year that followed was me devolving into drug induced psychosis that, once symptoms became severely noticeable, was diagnosed as "Schizophreniform NOS" and from there my slow walk back to reality began  - which is where my eventual serendipitous and scary discovery of Desteni was.
(I am skipping many details to be concise and readable, the experiences and points contained within this brief look at the development of my cowardice will be opened up later within more specific explorations.)
As I was so practically described by my doctor at the time, "a high functioning paranoid schizophrenic", it is easy to see that life was difficult for me. I was on my way to living in some prescribed limbo of society and had become, to many people, that person that never came back from the drug trip. The shift in the way my entire world began to treat me and move around me after that day was more fascinating and eerie than the trip that set it all in motion. It was during this shift in my life that my mind began to collapse in on me and I began to live within the horrific darkness of my own mind gone completely mad. I began to have experiences I never had before like retarding social anxieties, panic attacks, splintered thinking fighting against itself, voices in my head that weren't "mine", complete detachment from my self, wild beliefs such as "I am still in that mushroom trip trying to wake up", and many more screwed up shit. Auditory and visual hallucinations became fairly frequent while sober and I was soon living in a freak hell where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.

To be continued..