No Rest Within: Day 5

In listening to one of the interviews I received through the portal, I had a point brought up for me I would like to write on and apply a bit of self forgiveness on.

It was how I have lived a sort of questing for myself within 'who am I supposed to be? where am I supposed to be? what I am supposed to do?' - and how within those questions have lived my life out in extremes. I have created a restlessness in myself through this process where I feel bursting, uncomfortably, with this inner energy that I cannot seem to cope with or deal with except to - as I see it - explode into behaviors and actions that are quite unnecessary. In living this way I have compromised my health in many aspects. I cannot honestly enjoy my life or many things fully for the fact I am often feeling like I am not where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, or being who I am supposed to be. Calming myself down internally becomes a task because I feel lost in the restlessness of that energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in a restless, energetic state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep pushing myself mentally and physically to do all sorts of things to expel or release this energy within me that keeps me ticking inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to explode into unnecessary behaviors and actions that compromise my physical, mental, and emotional health.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up and create this internal veil of energy as a restless state of mind because I do not yet know or see what it is I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to be, or where I am supposed to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach these questions from a feverish standpoint of 'I must know, I must have this sorted out, I must be doing something better than this.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself as my mind to 'cope' with this extreme energetic state inside me by exploding violently as a reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'lost' in life meanwhile everything is always here within me for me to figure out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe this energy and restlessness inside me actually is me, following it to the extremes and obeying it in an enraged, enthralled obsession with figuring it all out for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and neglect myself as my breath - which always help with bringing me down here, stabilizing me and calming me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself within this energy and wreak havoc on my mind and body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and obsessed within my mind, seeking some answer in this painful state of mind that drives me mad.

Returning to Self-Forgiveness and Desteni: Day 4

Recapping these past two weeks:
It has been a challenge to write at all with everything going on and I enjoy writing because it is how I "keep tabs" on my self.. so not only was it challenging but I feel like I went through this stretch of time without a working leg. I practically rely on writing for an aspect of my self to be present in life. Without writing, I just know I am missing some opportunities within myself to cover some amazing ground.. and I am not okay with that.

Onto the point of my topic:
I started walking the Desteni I Process Lite shortly before I started this Journey to Life blog and I am coming up on two points in general that I have major resistances to... which are Self-Fogiveness and really, actually joining Desteni with more investment and commitment. I am on the portion of the DIP Lite that is finally addressing Self-Forgiveness. I have been awaiting this point, as it fucks with me more than looking at particular definitions of Self-Honesty. It isn't exactly Self-Forgiveness as a whole that I find difficulty within, but the specific understandings of it that I can not yet see for myself except through applying it and coming to know it as my self. When I have applied myself previously within Self-Forgiveness.. the hardest point was VOICING IT.. LOUDLY... and worst of all - near someone else that might be hear me or be aware of me doing it. I become self conscious and worried someone might be interested in what i'm doing or think of it as weird. I don't even necessarily know how to tell them what i'm doing because i'm basically just learning to do it myself! I do not explain things to people when I am unfamiliar and insecure in what I see or know. So, I find myself wanting to really make sure I understand what the fuck i'm doing, because I know I WILL REACT TO BEING CHALLENGED. I would rather not address it until I am secure and confident in what I am applying to be able to better share it with others - but how else am I supposed to practice self forgiveness out loud or without fear if I don't do it in the presence of anyone?  So - big point! Lots of fear. I am eager to see what I can learn this time around in applying self forgiveness within writing, I just simply refuse to apply it in spoken word unless I am completely alone because whispering it and hiding it is pathetic to me. My goal is to be able to do it and be like "fuck you I don't care if this is weird" to anyone who may be around me. When my first day on Self-Forgiveness starts on the DIP Lite course.. I will also begin to apply Self-Forgiveness statements here on the Journey to Life blog.

The other point of returning to and actually joining Desteni comes up within this time where I find myself facing Self-Forgiveness.. because a forum on gmail was opened up for anyone who has had resistances to Desteni. I have taken the time to address all the shit inside me there and will continue to do so until I have outed everything in me that I accepted and allowed to prevent my active participation within Desteni. If this is the first you are aware of such group, see Gian for details.
I am grateful for this particular forum because it is the opportunity to get out all of my crazy, fearful bullshit that I have accepted and allowed to create so much misery and dissonance in me - unnecessarily holding back my process.
What other group does what Desteni does?
If you actually search, you will see that there is quite possibly no other place on this earth like it.

Discovering Destiny through Desteni: Day 3

NOTE: I have prioritized other writing over this, so no commitment to daily writing here until i'm practically at that point within what else I am busy with.

...."My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief, 
where will this coward go now that he can see?"

I, the coward, went everywhere. I would call myself "open-minded" at the time, but it was a different open-mindedness. Nothing in me was okay and relief was seemingly nowhere within me as I existed at that time, so I was open to anything that might help me understand my mind and what it was showing me. I wanted to find the sanity and stability within me instead of the fears that sent me flying into space every day. I wanted to understand what I was experiencing and what was reality, because neither made any sense to me and all my hard, honest inquiry into what was going on seemed to collapse the illusions of the apparent knowledge in me and this world.. I would then be faced with the reality of how I actually know nothing at all and in that same space is purely me as fear. I know nothing but the fear, so who is speaking without fear? It seemed even my ability to reason was like an intelligent fear making beliefs out of itself - the better I could convince my self, the less I believed I was afraid and that I did not know anything.

I would like to address a definition and understanding of the word Destiny now for a simple point.

Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future

So, it is FEAR. Fear is the "hidden power" controlling what will happen to me in the future. Anything "hidden" or in "hiding" is fear and fear is what cowardice is all about. Fear is a coward's limitation with which the coward will not push beyond and even fight for. When my cowardice was exposed, I was mentally stripped and all images of my self in a "positive" light had been obliterated. I took off in search of relief. The future for this "new me" was revealed as uncertainty, now only a question remained of "me". All I had was a questioning of myself to become familiar with. In the world, people say question everything but then how often are our questions about ourselves? Well, I sort of became a question at this point. And In living life like a question, I found myself experimenting and practicing many things that present themselves in the world..
Lots of looking at questions, "what happens if I?" and "what's this?" and "what if?" and "how do I?" ..

So, one week in particular.. I was into "astral projecting", and I was on youtube when I found a video about astral projecting that blew my damn mind. The video had a small number of views and everything about it, top to bottom, was different than everything I had researched online. I am investigative enough about my interests that I push for a sufficient amount of information and perspectives... Yet this short haired girl that seemed to be passed out in the beginning of the video was suddenly talking so precisely about astral projecting and asserting things I can't imagine knowing or how someone else might know. And I thought I had found the best information I could find on the internet about before this video! The perspective given in the video completely debunked and reoriented my interest with some common sense and weird bits of something I didn't quite understand. I remember sitting back feeling like I didn't know what I had just watched, really.

Well, what I had stumbled upon is called the "The Interdimensional Portal" and that girl I saw in the video was Susan/Sunette. The video had me so intrigued by the uniqueness that I followed the channel to more videos and consequently found Desteni.org ..
What I consider my greatest finding and "secret"! Haha
So, what the hell is Desteni?! I will have to link to their FAQ and want to quote one line from their wiki page to give a definition, because it is too much for me to explain and I am only here for what I am going to share about MY SELF and how this discovery in my life relates to what I see as my destiny.

HERE:
http://desteni.org/DesteniFAQ.pdf

And this is from the wiki:  "a social network focused on bringing practical change to the world through its members becoming effective, considerate and responsible human beings. Members focus on investigating the world we live in, how it functions and operates. What it is that drives human beings each day. What are the motivations, reasons and starting points for how we exist within this world. Through this research practical solutions are created, shared and applied by anyone who is interested."


The Destiny of myself as a Coward is to face myself and change to become a responsible human being  that cares for my own life as well as the rest of life - because a coward does not do battle for life, and runs in the face of duty - a coward ultimately faces themselves at death or in battle for life again. Because I am always with myself, how can I ever really escape? And this is the greater destiny within myself as a Coward, because as long as I allow Fear to be in control of my Destiny, I will always be a Coward. The world is full of Cowards before Life, because the Challenges of Life are much greater than the Challenges of Fear - to overcome Fear for a better Life for myself and for everyone else = that is a Destiny I would like to see for my self and everyone else.

What is to be discovered within Desteni was easily enough to challenge me to begin my process to change my SELF and my Destiny. To start planning for the inevitable future we all face - one that is currently completely controlled by fear.

Adding another definition to Destiny to look at before signing off of this blog post:

Destiny: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.

All of us have a similar Destiny on this planet as we are all one... we all have points we must face in the future.. and things we must go through to become.. so what is that future and who are we to become? Without any direction from ourselves, we will continue going the way we are going - and that is clearly an undesirable and scary thing. Everything we are is just fear-based, so if all of us as humanity is in fear - our Destiny is as Cowards and this Life on Earth will END for us because Cowards do not serve/preserve Life.. They do not stand up and do battle for Life.

What if there is something else possible, though?
What if we took on our challenge of living in fear and became brave enough to save this one life for all and be champions in its favor?

These are the types of questions I am looking to answer for my self.

This is all I want to come out with for now on me living as a coward in relationship to destiny and Desteni.