Without a system = no effect: Day 14

 I have been scrambling to do my process late at night. After I get off work, home duties and plans we have made take priority. My mind is stacked against me when I get home. My problem, however, is not unique to this situation. I see it is time management as the creation of a system for me to live by, or the lack of this, that is causing my problem. This is a reoccurring issue. I have many important things to do in a day or a week. Things I would call priority, yet my actions don't reflect this evaluation. I don't get up in time. I don't go to bed in time. I feel swept away by external circumstances and i'm always trying to overcome the hand that is dealt for me. I really see the point about survival mode and self-interest overriding anything of substance with regards to time for my SELF, time for PROCESS, and time for BUILDING VOCABULARY.

With work and intimate relationships alone, building my self up and building anything other than what i've walked into as a servant is cornered into the little bit of "free" time I have. "Free time" that I just want to disappear in and escape from what I face every day. I remember a moment of clarity where I could see that I have this experience of not knowing when to do certain things that I confuse with /WHAT/ I should be doing. It has hung over my head for years where I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it is a pain that i've felt without identification since I can remember. I now understand that it is time management, because the cognitive dissonance I had with this confusion was that I know that I know enough. I have found the best resources in this lifetime and I have a knack for finding all my keys, all my answers, all my tools, all my specific points... It is only a matter of time for me with regards to that.. However, what wasn't coming through is the organization of all these points of application. Meaning, where in time do I place all these responsibilities.. all this knowledge.. all that i've been exposed to.

With everything I have that is to be tested, I have been so out of order that nothing would work. Time is the Key Here that I see to begin organizing myself, because space is organized through time and vice versa. I have the space and now I must pace it, meaning I must time it, and set that counting of it in order with events I preprogram as the events to follow. Just like the grid rolled up into a ball as a seed... to design the seed of my life, the plant I must plan, I must look at time and begin practicing a program for it. Time management has been one of my greatest weaknesses, indeed a complete absence in some regards, with me simply trusting the times I am given by my environment to follow.. only going with the flow of the system given to me. Never designing my own life. I will place this blog here as a starting point for working on this, because this blog will not be able to continue if I do not make it part of the plan. 

Memories of Hardship in Walking Process: Day 13

 This is in the spirit of clearing my starting point further with all things related to process.
No support from anyone, only resistance and devil's advocates. A small handful of people, like a girlfriend and a cousin, that ride with me then fall away eventually. No one adopts the purpose or the principles truly for themselves. I struggle to be the example I want to see and to attract or surround myself with the people I want in my life. I don't connect with anyone in the group. I am a stranger and or alienated everywhere, perhaps totally by my own behavior and in my own mind. Process, purpose, and principles are lost in the back of my mind. I silently introspect and practice my limited understanding in thought, word, and deed. Debatably, it could be mostly if not all conceptual. If process is measured by how many people I get to walk their process, I don't measure up at all. If process is measured by whose lives I have impacted by my example to change something within themselves, I have made some progress.

If it is about the quality of life of those lives I have touched and where they are now as a result, then I am ashamed but I am also uncertain within that. I don't know how anyone would say I have changed or impacted their life. I can imagine more than a few that would say something nice, but if it was simply based on how I made them feel, that could very well mean nothing. They may not even know how to measure the impact of someone else on their life. How is that measurable? What do we measure? Is it how they see themselves and the world? Did I gift them a new understanding that serves them in their thinking, in their word, and in their actions? Did I help them bring tangible results to their life for the better? Did I support them to treat others the way they want to be treated effectively? I cannot see the current day results of my seeds. I can see the moments I was in their life and the communications and connection we had. I can see the engagement. I can see moments of self-expression. Did that change their circumstances? Did that change their ability to overcome the odds? 

There is the potential that this will all just be remembered in my name and not as who they are. That my efforts were in vain. Like who I am will be/become another memory and not a re-membering of who they are. The word vain is interesting to me in this. Empty. Useless. Producing no result. Having an excessive worth of myself when I am just another person on this planet. This isn't what I wanted for myself or for anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in depression brought up from the memories I have accumulated of all the relationships I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of potential that came with the relationships I created in my life that went with the relationship once things ended with the other beings in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the sadness and depression that I experience when looking at my life in memories of all the friends, family, partners, animals, internet friends, and potential-friends that I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot and will not have any friends as long as I walk process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always lose relationships in my life because of what I am part of, participating in, and pushing in this world as the Desteni principles, process, tools, message, and community.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing this all alone, walking process by myself without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot make friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life in vain, having no effect on anything or anyone.. being completely useless and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an alien.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to estrange myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an outcast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how many people follow me and listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my lack of results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my ineffectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not participating in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not joining me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not joining and participating in Desteni, TechnoTutor, and anything related to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join because of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire credit for changing someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to save someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a savior, a messiah, or some hero.

(Random side note insight: Bernard was always looking at your starting point and speaking to that, so there are many actions we could take that would be of benefit to ourselves or others - things we can do externally, to manifest with action, to create the change physically that we want to see that is best... but he was always looking at the starting point of the action or the thought because the starting point determines everything... so even if the act was practical, good, and something worth considering.. the starting point corruption would taint the result.. the end result would reveal the original intent.. so he was always revealing, challenging, and pointing to the starting point where we have fucked up everything. Change your starting point - change everything... thus this post and my initial ones will be what I always come back to.. because growth is self-reflexive, just like fibonacci sequence shows.. you reference what was before and add it up to/as/with what is here... self-forgiveness in reflection of the starting point clears the way for this growth.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have had no impact on anyone's life, or an impact that is worth noticing/recognizing/measuring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my mind has created a complex narrative that I participate in and helped create - I created it as my mind/body/being - and because of my participation in this creation, I have given it credence.. I have given it value.. I gave it the starting points.. I gave the initial validation to the axioms/assumptions/premises for it and so I buy into it more and more as I build on top of the beliefs that started it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible case/scenario in my mind happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being against the whole world and the whole world against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear devil's advocates, someone taking the opposite side of everything I share/express/state/assert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ganged up on, verbally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand and being attacked for it, no one standing up with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand on my own for a long time and enduring lots of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear setting a bad example for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not an example and that I am unworthy of standing up to set an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cowardly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my popularity with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my worth by my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by who I am in relationship to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how I treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe life is about relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with others because the sharing doesn't always go as I expected it to, with what I am sharing being received differently that I intended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as the failure to effectively share with others to all of our benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up sharing myself with others because it has gone poorly before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and being mistreated when I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and no one receiving it as important to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what is important to me is not important to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop caring because everyone else has stopped caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform with the abuse, suppression, and self-censorship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be met with celebration, embrace, and engagement when I share something important to me, that I am passionate about, and that I have purpose in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as this experience of being shut down, ignored, and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no one listening to me when I speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never be understood.

Not in the Clear yet: Day 12

 It's been 22 days since I posted last and I had good ground I made in the first 2 weeks after writing. I started pitching, the clubhouse hasn't exactly grown but we are getting others to use the tools, and I started work at my new job. It is hard physical labor so I have given in to the point of being physically tired even though I have enough energy to do stuff. Some other shit with money came up and there has been stress regarding money lately. I have let go of my consistency that I was developing. I was getting hot and then went cold. I don't know where to start with this blog so i'll just begin with points relevant now and going back to my starting point for this process, pitching people, growing my clubhouse, and using the tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no energy after work to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my tools and stop applying myself when I get stressed or when I am mentally tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have enough time to walk my process every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let up on my momentum when the going gets good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse inconsistency in my business, like not pitching every week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because I have worked all day and want to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things aren't going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because I don't see immediate results from pitching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because there are more problems and I have more responsibility now that I have taken another step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop writing my blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop reading Journey to Life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know how to help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot solve my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe none of this is going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to negate my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally check out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go absent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on putting myself out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on pitching people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on selling TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on making videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on growing my clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into addictions and distractions when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into patterns of self sabotage when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear returning to my old preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear quitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not using my tools and forgetting to use them multiple days in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my process up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am disorganized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'm self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed.

When and as I see myself slipping away from walking my process and actually applying myself (going out pitching every week for example), I stop and I breathe.. I realize that I procrastinate using my tools until the very last moment where I often don't follow through because of some excuse like not feeling like it, being tired, wanting to do something else, it being too late.. and because of that I end up slipping and letting it slip by me.. whether that is coming home and not wanting to pitch because it is late in the day or not using TechnoTutor at night because it is bed time or i'd rather watch Peaky Blinders or play PUBG..

I realize and see this pattern and how already on the way home I start to go into this tiredness from working in the heat and feeling worn down physically + mentally. I realize the mental tiredness isn't real and I do have some remaining physical energy, so I could make a different choice.

I commit myself to making a different choice in those moments where I see the time is moving on in the day and it is getting to that moment where if I don't do it now, I probably won't do it and if I do = it will be one of the very last things I do in the day where I just want to get it over with.

I commit myself to not taking my time for granted by realizing that moments come in the day as opportunities and they don't come again after a certain point in the day.

I commit myself to taking these moments of opportunity when they show up and making the decision that is hard for me because of my mind and my excuses/justifications/desires to do something else that is not the best / not in the direction of progress.

I commit myself to stop participating in the desires to do something else that is easy, that is a simple pleasure of distraction, when I still have business and responsibilities like process to attend to.

I commit myself to go pitching tomorrow after work once I have showered and to not sit down or lay down where I know I will have a moment where I allow my mind to take control as my preprogramming and direct me to a distraction of pleasure.

I commit myself to forgiving myself in my mind, in the notes in my phone, out loud, in writing, or by typing when I see the excuses/justifications/desires come up within me that stand directly in the way of me applying myself more(doing TechnoTutor, reading blogs, writing blogs, etc) - putting myself out there (pitching/making videos/messaging people/building my clubhouse) because instead of accepting and allowing all these thoughts to go through me and accumulate into a wall or stagnation, I could practice self-forgiveness and removing these thoughts/programs/feelings from me.

I commit myself to realize that I am the key to everything if I would simply apply myself and that I do not have to feel a certain type of way or be in a certain mental state to do the work.

I commit myself to do the work implied and involved in walking my process.

I commit myself to becoming more and more consistent in what is best for me and what is best for all as writing, application, self-forgiveness, community-creation, and building my business.

I commit myself to push myself when I least want to.

I commit myself to do the hard things, meaning to do what I know is best instead of what I want to do which is often a distracting pleasure.

I commit myself to make the best decision even when it is hard.

I commit myself to unlearning my bad habits.

I commit myself to trusting myself to do what is best instead of what is easy.

I commit myself to move forward despite the doubt and to work harder instead of waiting for something to work out the way I want it to before continuing to do more.

I commit myself to stop complaining within myself