"I forgive myself" mind-dump Continued: Day 3

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(Stop if this is the first one you've read and see previous blogs before continuing;)

[Step-by-step sharing of me doing this real time.]

!!IMPORTANT!!: DO YOUR OWN WORK* and only read mine as a ~soundboard~ for YOUR OWN WORK, if you are not WATCHING WHAT COMES UP IN YOU TO SUPPORT YOU IN TAKING THE PROGRAM APART USING YOUR OWN HANDS, EYES, EARS, AND MOUTH - THEN STOP READING THIS FUCKING SHIT RIGHT NOW.

*WORK:
- THE PROCESS OF LOOKING INTO YOUR SELF/BODY/MIND AS YOU READ, THEN WRITING OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOU, WITH THE OBJECTIVE OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU ARE READING AS YOUR SELF WHICH IS REFLECTED IN YOUR ABILITY TO 'SAY IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS'. BREAK IT DOWN YOURSELF.

- RESEARCH WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND WHAT YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED.

- RESPONSIBILITY AND INITIATIVE TO ADD WHAT YOU SEE THAT ISN'T BEING SAID HERE EXPLICITLY; TO EXPAND ON THE WORK THAT I CAN'T DO BECAUSE I'M NOT YOU.

- DEFINING/REDEFINING/LIVING WORDS
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"I forgive myself"

Write it down, read it, think it, and hold it in my self.
- I would say it out loud, too, but my mother-in-law is on the couch.

Observing what comes up in my body and reads across my mind:

An echo of thoughts clashing together like conversations in a restaurant, overhearing one before my focus is dominated by another;

"I. - Forgive. - Myself."

Separated like morse code.
What's I? What's Myself?
What does it mean to Forgive?

These initial thoughts are inspired by the eqafe interview.
"Forgive" stands out to me as needing a definition.

Looking at the statement again, there's this empty feeling of not knowing what to do with this.

' "I" and "Myself", they are too simple to require any rework; how would looking into these improve the quality and effect of my Self-Forgiveness? '

Flash thought as I wrote that backchat out:
"Effect - to improve effect, look at the Cause for doing it."
What is the Cause of Self-Forgiveness for me?

- I am taking inventory of what comes up before taking action on it, like answering my own questions.

- I am listening to music as I write this, thought this is important to add because it could be influencing what comes up for me.

"I forgive myself" (wrote it out again)

Forgive is centered in I/myself.
The number 3 because 3 words.

Lots of thoughts floating through my head.
This will be a bit of an information dump so I can get it out and continue with what is significant, plus I don't know what may or may not be significant until I look at it all together.

3 = Self (Desteni material reference)
3 = Triangle because 3 points defines one (Imagery came up related to EQAFE interview)
I am forgiving myself - I am for giving my self.
I approve of giving to my self.
 
"I forgive myself" 

Emotions (-): impatience, hate, boredom, blocked, fear, resistance, avoidance, tedious, emptiness, cliche, corny, superficial, meaningless, forgetful, blank, skeptical, grief, tough, painful, endless, impossible, compulsive, obsessive, mental

Feelings (+): bright, hope, open, heavenly, determined, opportunity, freedom, emptiness, light, honest, forthcoming, fortunate, release, relief, relaxed, focused

"I forgive myself": Day 2

 (Inspiration from latest EQAFE interview on Self-Forgiveness)
Continuing last blog.
I am going to describe what I do here step by step.

I am cleaning up my programming within each part of the statement, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing.."

This means breaking down what comes up including questions I feel I haven't asked or ones that recur most often, answering my own questions to the best of my ability, reflecting on the beneficial, sometimes god-like, claims about self-forgiveness, cognitive dissonance about forgiving myself (I don't want to forgive the good things!, etc), and exploring the perspective in which i've learned about self-forgiveness to test if I understand the point Desteni emphasizes.

I'll be taking note of physical sensations, posture, plus my emotions/feelings, thoughts, backchat, judgments, beliefs, expectations, images, fears, my approach, and the results or what I see as lack of results.

The understanding i'm using here is that although i'm applying the letter and word of self-forgiveness in the structured format of this process.. I am also applying my programming that comes up when writing, speaking, and reading self-forgiveness. An example is that when applying self-forgiveness, what triggered me to actually sit down to write it or think it/"say it" inside myself? What is my starting point for beginning the application? I have noticed before that it's often fear.

I am forgiving myself because I am afraid of consequences. I am afraid of suffering more intensely. I want to avoid the consequences of feeling any longer. Because the expectation or belief is that self-forgiveness will free me from having to face consequence for what I am doing, for who I am, for what I have said, for what I think. The expectation or belief is that the self-forgiveness in itself will change my experience. 

Thus, it's about my application and the programs that automatically apply as part of the statement. Imagine running a virus scanner on a computer program. Does it work as expected? If not, why? If so, why? How well do I understand myself as my tool? User error is expected when you're new, but even for those like me who have done the same thing many times.. we all have a degree of err in our way to investigate as we take so much for granted and overlook details.

Consider this a learning experience in troubleshooting the tools of change.

Onto making good on what i've set forth:

"I forgive myself"
- I wrote this down, typed it, said it out loud, thought it, and read it.

First thing that comes up is when I said it: the fear of others/judgment for being weird because of how I said it or because it's like "why am I doing this?".
For context, my wife is sitting on the couch and although she has heard me do self-forgiveness, this is a fear I have: others knowing I forgive myself in detail, out loud, and repeatedly.

It is because I judge myself for it, like it's a shameful, secret compulsion.
I fear on some level it may lead to a conversation about Desteni (fear of conflict, fear of more severe judgment, fear I can't stand up for myself), but even if I removed Desteni from the equation there is also the fear of being openly vulnerable like I am admitting guilt and wrongdoing to anyone who can hear me.

Judging myself from their perspective:
The guilt and shame being abnormal because it's "so severe" that I have to forgive myself out loud. With no context for understanding it's like I am saying a prayer or confession out loud or doing a mantra.

Note: Judging myself from their perspective in advance is still just me projecting my self-judgment, even if it is what they would think, and is how I set myself up to go through that experience anyway.

I have this memory of the compulsions I would experience during a bout of psychosis in my teens where I had to do something my mind was telling me OR ELSE. It is that same sort of dangerous fear I felt, where I was on the verge of a compulsive action and i'd be so terrified but i'd go through with it anyways and open up a can of worms for myself because my compulsions were actually batshit. I knew something was off about what I was going to do, but did it anyway. I knew nobody would understand, but did it anyway. I paid a price for it.

Echolocating - Day 1: "Day 17"

Last post 5 months ago, July 28th, 2022.

Echolocating myself and my point to forgive.
(Echolocating? wtf..)
This will read like a self-dialogue of taking mental/physical inventory for investigation


I write on paper next to my computer:
"I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing
myself to..."

My chest feels tension in the middle just below my sternum, like my heart and lungs are wincing, and I take a labored breath.

Echolocate: using sound to triangulate a position, like a cell tower or a bat, to sound out where I am by testing the feedback of the inputs; what comes back to me from my transmissions.. words are pockets of sound and I can find where I am in my mind/body through a use of a number of words that reveal more about me and where I am. 

Questions:

Where am I?
Why am I here?
What is stopping me?
What do I forgive?
Why do I forgive myself?

- In my mind, in my apartment, in my reactions, in front of my computer, on my blog about to write self-forgiveness.
- I want to forgive myself. I want to be honest so I can stick with it. I want to grow. I want to take more responsibility. I want to change. I want to learn. I want to understand.
- My mind, my reactions, my memories, my lies, and how it has all accumulated
- Myself for my addictions that I use to escape facing myself, myself for my fears that I hide behind, myself for making everything impossible with my specialized excuses and justifications.
- Because I understand it is the solution to the heavy burdens I am carrying, because I will feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally if I forgive myself to change, because life sucks without forgiving myself and everything becomes a struggle as i'm mentally tormented unnecessarily.

What can I forgive myself for right now that will have the greatest impact on the well-being of my body, mind, being, and the life around me?
What is the most important event in my life I can forgive myself for right now?

- I think of wrongs in my previous relationships:
Could it be cheating? The pain I live with from previously failed relationships...
Then another thought hit me harder; my failure to walk this process with Desteni as I should have AND my failure to, thereafter, walk my process successfully with TechnoTutor. The biggest grief looming over me is feeling like a failure within what I see is my purpose with these groups that changed my life.

They were my only chances I had, that is how I experienced it, and I + my life was nothing without them and getting on board with them.

My life improved dramatically practicing self-forgiveness, learning and applying the principles, defining/redefining/living words, expanding my vocabulary, and reading + listening to the material..

Then I sabotaged myself within a relationship and drug addictions again.

It was finding my foothold in this process that supported me.

Now it is the memories of how everything went wrong, over and over again, that stops me because I won't dare go there again.. I won't dare challenge certain things in a relationship again.. I won't dare put myself out there, stick my neck out for anything or anyone, and would rather remain silent and suppressed so as to not have to suffer the pain of failure and betrayal again. I would rather, and have, become spiteful.. angry.. skeptical... hateful... depressed.. miserable.. and isolated.
___________

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate self forgiveness.

As I wrote this sentence, slowly, I was seeing that from the beginning with how I learned to forgive myself... i've complicated the process going so quickly and wanting the best statement to follow the initial words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing..." where it was always about what came after those words. I did not see like I did just now in writing that sentence that the process is in writing those initial words and learning to work with/ apply what comes in writing them.

A set of memories comes up about this, Bernard memories. Portal memories. The blogs, the articles, the echochamber of self-forgiveness material written by beings with access to themselves and dimensions I have yet to access in this life. 

The compulsion to delete as many things I could see wrong would take over and I would want to write self-forgiveness for anything that came to mind. The words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing" or "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" pounded out over and over like a child in detention writing on a chalk board until he was freed for his wrongdoing.

I want the punishment to be over.

Is that what it means to forgive myself? Is that how I WANT to forgive myself?
 
No, I don't. 

I have to redefine, rethink my approach, and do it again.

And I have to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my memory of how process used to be with Bernard around and all the Self-Forgiveness statements being pounded out by various beings to influence my application of Self-Forgiveness as Myself, where I would attempt to write my self-forgiveness as they did.. not realizing that merely adopting the format and writing statements that sounded and looked similar to theirs is not how I stand one and equal and totally integrate myself because I have to break things down,, pull them apart,, and put them back together where I am at, with what I understand, and how I look at things, etc... meaning, I had many points of reactions or genuine curiosity to bring up and investigate within my application.. and that would substantiate my application to a point of satisfaction where as constant copying of other's material/style would not.. because people like Bernard or the beings through the portal arrived to their specific application through many factors they walked personally to understand... and though their statements stand and support.. I have to write as myself, as I exist now, and work with my programming.