Cult-like Fear and Threats : Day 16

 Zoe and I went to Miami last weekend for TechnoTutor. It was amazing and we came home with a lot to share. We made videos on our Facebooks about our experiences and posted a lot from the event. I don't know about hers, but mine was long-winded and probably uninteresting. That's my judgment without watching it. I looked for what I could say to entice people into checking us out. Some of the attention Zoe got was definitely unwanted because one of the first people to comment wanted to throw the word CULT at us, even though they "meant well". The comment was deleted and Zoe reached out to them personally to clarify. She didn't deflect from using the word cult but rather embraced it and shared a definition of the word cult that does define us.

The person responded nicely and like they simply cared about Zoe's well being. then they came over to my page and harped on my video about cults and key words like "going to the next level" that is often used to bring people in. I deleted the comment and blocked them, then eventually messaged them after talking to Zoe. When they responded to me finally, it was like they didn't clearly read what I wrote because they responded to stuff I never said and then didn't respond to my offer to talk on the phone or meet in person. I was looking to walk them through their fear by meeting with me and getting to see for themselves who we are and what we do instead of whatever they've been through or read online. I didn't respond. Cut to a couple days later and I get messaged by this person's relative and they're threatening me with, "Be real careful how you speak to my ____. They have every right to warn and inform others.". I briefly got into it with them, told Zoe about my interaction, blocked them both and since then we have been walking through our fears and reactions to the whole situation by getting help from others in our community.

My first reaction in the timeline came when Zoe got the comment warning her about joining a cult.
"I'm not in a cult/It's not what they think it is"
"Why do people want to bash what we're doing?"
"Why is this still a thing?"
"Not again"

Feelings/Emotions of fear, anger, sadness, attacked, hostile, defensiveness came up

note: after Zoe "settled" things with the person the first time, I distinctly remember saying that people were not going to believe her and think I am brainwashing her then come and attack me as the bad guy.

Other reactions were when the person went over Zoe and commented on my video:
I was insulted they didn't believe Zoe and mad they had the audacity to come to my page and start seeding doubt/fear on my shit completely unwelcomed. To me it meant they didn't believe she was capable of thinking for herself and they needed to confront me.
I deleted the comment and blocked them. I wanted them to go through Zoe to talk to me originally as a "walk of shame" for insulting Zoe. I backed out of the idea because I thought it reinforced the person in their cult beliefs of us. I can see I was doing whatever I could to prove I wasn't a cult to this person with my behavior.

Feelings/Emotions of fear, aggression, and anxiety came up

The thought of fear about this person was they would spread rumor among close family and friends and start some shit.

I thought this person was being fake, pathetic, arrogant, and deceptive. They were hiding their true nasty backchat and wanting to control us and what we were participating in. They claimed to be "highly intelligent" yet have been in 4 cults. Lots of hippy and old-school drug culture stuff on their Facebook.

They kept saying how they were well-intentioned and coming from a good place of wanting nothing but the best for us, but if that is so then why would they intentionally push this point and gossip with someone else about it?

I will stop here and move to forgive this as myself, as everyone involved and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word cult to invoke irrational fear in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear family members and friends saying the word cult to us and to each other about what we are doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delete negative comments out of a reaction because I am afraid they will trigger and persuade others in my life to their viewpoint and prevent us from expanding and growing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed people's negatively charged words to hold me back from sharing, taking action, growing my business and community, and participating in my interests and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am, who is in my life, what we are doing, and why we are here because I am afraid of being called names that are negatively charged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these are opportunities to clear the charges of the words I have yet to clear and to understand the words that we use to bring up negative emotions in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being run out of town by an angry mob.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person spreading rumors about me and Zoe that we are in a dangerous cult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself because people have said i'm in a cult and to go into feeling misunderstood and demonized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize they are in fear and I do not have to participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing confrontation and dealing with it publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack people who I perceive as attacking me because they are using negatively charged words that they know bring up fear and evil thoughts about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a verbal altercation and even a physical altercation with someone confronting me with negatively charged words like cult, mlm, scam, or weird.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that some words like cult are by definition able to be used on anything you have a negative opinion about, because with the word cult for example you only need to regard something as sinister or strange and nothing else. Therefore, I am in a cult if they say I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I am in a cult if they say I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being what/who other people fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the bad guy in other people's opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see, and understand that a point like the word cult will keep coming up until I have personally transcended it and no longer react to it and am clear on what that word really means and how I live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing negatively charged words to understand them as myself and clarify them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing our friends and our following because of negatively charged words spreading as rumors, such as we are in a cult or we are cult leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act like a cult follower or a cult leader as a character / image in the mind as this sinister, secretive, strange, and evil thing.. trying to silence all opposition and enforce the brainwashing we have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that when I go into a reaction to the word cult I am acting out unconscious programming with characters that fit the fear of the person.. so everything I am doing confirms what the person is saying and in my attempt to defend myself or attack the person, I only further reinforce the idea we are in a cult as the negatively charged definition which has many weird images/ideas/feelings/behavior within it.

When and as I see/hear the word cult, because someone is confronting me with being in a cult and implying we are doing something dangerous/sinister/strange.. I stop and I breathe.

I realize this is a word people use to bring up negativity within me and anyone else who might read or hear it.

I realize they use this word without doing any investigation and have read articles online or gossiped in their mind or someone else.

I realize they aren't likely to be interested in what we are actually doing and they are in fear.

I realize that I am what they say I am and that I am in a cult if they say so because the definition of that word is defined as such that it's completely based on opinion.

I realize that what is a cult is just an opinion.

I realize that I do not have to entertain this and go into a reaction because there is nothing to do from a certain perspective, I have to embrace that this stuff happens.

I realize that I am not alone and I am not the first person on this earth to be called a cultist, a cult follower, or a cult leader.

I realize that people actually want to be in cults and that we are all already in cults.. we've been in a cult since we were born and that I have simply changed what cult I am part of, so they are fighting on behalf of their cult.

I realize that it doesn't matter and it doesn't stop anything and can't prevent me from succeeding or sharing.

I commit myself to breathe when I see the word cult in a comment directed towards me or TechnoTutor or Desteni.

I commit myself to embrace the word cult and to have fun with it in my conversations and in my behavior.

I commit myself to like someone's comment if they say we are in a cult or want to bring up the point.

I commit myself to fully understanding and transcending the word cult.

I commit myself to walking through all my fears around being in a cult or having someone throw this word cult at me.

I commit myself to getting support from within my community and within my relationship by having conversations about this point when and if it is needed.

I commit myself to support others to face this fear of the word cult because I see how i've accepted and allowed myself to get stuck here before.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of the word cult.

I commit myself to let go of the negative energy that comes up within me in relationship to the word cult.

I commit myself to showing that the word cult is just another word and it doesn't automatically imply negativity.

I commit myself to creating a culture of what is best for all and living by principles.

I commit myself to being proud of who I am and what I am part of as TechnoTutor and Desteni.

I commit myself to the cult of life which is the only real non-cult as it is the group that everyone is part of by default.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and for those who are part of this cult.

The System that Makes my Process Possible: Day 15

This is the expansion and self-forgiveness for day 14 on the system I must clarify, create, and implement to walk my process consistently and effectively:

Numbers is how we make this life count; with money, time, and all of space.. the numbers are how we organize and measure everything of ourselves. 
For everything that is named, it is also numbered, and is placed within a system.
The system that I inherited at birth, I did not specifically design every aspect of in this individual life as Jonathan. I accepted/allowed and became dependent on a system in separation from myself and the tools within it I have accepted and allowed to be reversed against me.. thus it became weaponry/enslavement instead of a way of living.
It is here that I will embrace the inversion and re-reverse it into/as myself/my life for support.
The time that has been organized for me I will now practice organizing for myself.
I am responsible for the numbers that measure and organize my life.
The events plotted across time is something I can take responsibility for designing - it does not have to be a design I walk into that someone else created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of myself on time and those who controlled my time for me in my abdication of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fight back against living on time, not realizing, seeing, or understanding that because I separated myself from time and the responsibility for this time on earth... I am powerless and will become irrelevant and ineffective in this time-based reality until I stop and take responsibility for time as myself, the time I have here as who I am.. to organize myself and my efforts.. to prioritize that which is most urgent as the emergency/emergent points coming up for myself and everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as my time here on earth to the best of my ability, to not hold back within sorting out the numbers that all of life- including mine- is reduced to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my life as the numbers of time, that is also equating money and space, as this is the "life on earth" as the "time unfolding" of my finite existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reducing and deducing my life to numbers because I wish/want/believe I am more than this, even though I have not accepted and allowed that to be true of others as the system reflects back to us - I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be ruled by/as numbers that are computed within machines - we are data points in statistics where we are understood in/as/through equations - and yes, we are organic robots.. and yes, reality as this physical responds to mathematics.. the numbers have effect, the numbers come out to a real difference, and the numbers when changed result in a change - not that numbers cannot be manipulated - but where the math is done correctly, the result is certainty/ascertained/measured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than life, less than me, and to believe/think/feel that to see this life within numbers is reducing life/myself/others to numbness/numbing as the word number says - we become number through the number, the numbers have been designed with a program of death/dead/coldness/lifelessness/lack of sensation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb myself with numbers,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than, as if they are lower life forms that are not as important, and as if they're this boring/tedious/mechanical process in life that we just need to understand run our world but treat them as if they're not part of the things they make possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scheduling my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear planning out my day, my calendar, my life, or an event because I will have to figure out times and places and actions which includes logistics/mathematics and putting my life into an equation and a timeline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be designed for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for designing my life and to blame others for my life not going the way I wanted it to, despite me not taking responsibility for the most basic parts of the design process as the numbers (time/money/space) that make everything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life is a mess because I did not realize that everything has a time and a place, that unless I space and pace it all according to priority and I act on the design of my plotting/planning it.. it will not suddenly, magically "sort itself out".. it will always be sorted out according to space/time in which I act accordingly to "figure it out" and "get my shit together" and "shape up" - all of those words indicating an organization of my efforts and what is within me and my reach.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that looking at how my life has currently become organized within/as the numbers of time, money, space, and the events/actions is how I begin organizing my life in detail. How it is right here is how it is organized, how it has all come together haphazardly, without my awareness, as I have unconsciously moved throughout this world without standing as the point of responsibility for those numbers completely...
Through looking at all of this, my organs are receiving the coordinates of my life that I can then use to improve my coordination with the rest of myself. It is like hand-eye coordination, where if I do not look at the coordinates, I cannot adjust my hands or my eyes to move things properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating a system for me to live my life effectively and to instead walk into the design placed for me, that I can further abdicate responsibility for myself/my life and others within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the accounting for my life in numbers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone else controlling me with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any time as "free time" as there is no such thing as "free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as rushing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as getting away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time is moving too fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be able to do everything I want to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am always running out of time and that I cannot finish what I started because my timing is always bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as the experience of bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as off time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation from time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am always running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot finish what I start because I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to do everything now and that whatever I am doing has to take up all my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose track of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck doing one thing all day or for huge portions of my day because I do not keep track of the time or stop to consider the time I am working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the time I have wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what time it is when all of a sudden I remember there is time and that I have to do things at set times, so I might be late for something or have wasted someone else's time or my time and now the day has missing appointments as a disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what time it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do not care what time it is and act/pretend as if I live without time or am effective without paying attention to time.

When and as I see myself experiencing a time issue within me, where what's going on in my life physically or mentally is a reaction to time.. where I am essentially lost, rushing, frustrated, and disappointed... I stop and I breathe. 

I realize I have many symptoms produced from my relationship with time and that one reason my life is in a mess comes down to time.

I realize that I have many time conflicts within my mind because I have rarely or inconsistently practiced scheduling my time... making my own plans.. and adjusting my plans when things do not go according to the plans I create.

I realize that because of my lack of time conscientiousness / planning, I tend to live by the seat of my pants and do things in the moment.. often times missing moments of opportunity despite living this way.. and that this is ineffective. It does not work with others or the system.
 
I realize that if I can put myself in order with regards to time, meaning that I plan my day accordingly with a schedule that I honor because I completely understand why it is the way it is... that I could accomplish many more things in a day and take more responsibility because I will be effectively directing things.

I commit myself to placing a time limit on my actions, giving deadlines to what I must accomplish, and in this/through this being specific with what I know to do. This means that instead of knowing only /what/ I have to do, I will have given myself a /when/ which is also a /where/ for /what/ I have to do. This makes it a preprogrammed event plotted in my timeline, so this makes it a more effective program because now it is scheduled / able to be placed into the plot.

I commit myself to focus on why I am creating my system and to be concise and clear about the why AND the system.

I commit myself to practice creating my day tonight, through making a schedule for tomorrow, and to make creating a schedule for the day(s) to follow part of the schedule each day... so that this is a daily practice to prepare myself for the following days/weeks/months/years ahead.

I commit myself to simplify my process and to remain in my body breathing when creating my plans to support myself with making something effective and straightforward.

I commit myself to clarify myself with questions when I get stuck thinking too hard about what i'm doing when i'm creating my plans for the day(s) as my schedule.

I commit myself to create the absolute best system for myself as my schedule and to understanding everything I need, want, and require to make good on this commitment.

I commit myself to placing everything in my day where it rightfully belongs, not just because I want it there but because I understand it would be best placed at this time / at this place in my day.

I commit myself to this point for 2 weeks to make sure this is done.

I commit myself to show my work in this process and to when i'm done, demonstrate to myself through sharing that what I have done is effective.. like with the memory point where it was clear that I understood something to the point of it having a direct effect when I applied it.