Starting Point Self-Forgiveness: Day 3

Self-Forgiveness on what came up within me while writing and reading my previous 2 days:

Reference point for where to start is on Day 1,

"If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart."

Self-Forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop working with the tools and material.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from the opportunity to face myself and know myself better than I ever have before. 
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather figure things out in my mind and through consequences rather than through a process of working through my programming to understand and sort things out within structure and according to principles.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this pattern in me I am facing did not start with Desteni, because what Desteni represents is myself and the process of getting to know myself, face myself as my fear, understand how I work, and change. It is what Desteni stands for about myself that I fear. I went into reaction about what Desteni represents to me. It is a gift.
7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear to define me.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from process in my mind.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that I could "leave" process, because I thought that no longer using the tools or participating with the individuals would mean I wasn't part of this process. 
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can leave when I am always here with all that is here, even if I don't fully realize it or see it.
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inconsistencies.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the idea of leaving, like I have abandoned myself as a coward.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear. (changing the wording from previous statement)
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within fear as hiding.
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide out of fear.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others out of fear.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from my fear of myself.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing myself.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I already know about myself.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid beginning my journey to life and starting this process within Desteni fully because of my fear/ my ego.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get in my way of living life.
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as doubt.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as uncertainty.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferiority.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a quitter.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a coward.
29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in relationships.
30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I don't know anything and ignore what is going on that I am aware of like an ostrich with it's head in the ground.
31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within relationships.
32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself.
33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and getting to know myself.

Self-Commitment

1. I see that this process existed since the beginning, before Desteni we didn't have access to certain dimensions and therefore information, we didn't have specific vocabulary to see and understand exactly what is/was going on, and because of what had been applied by every being in existence up until that point - we were fucking ourselves blindly and in ways we couldn't imagine. The gift of Desteni is specificity, completeness, totality, and practicality.
   
2. I realize that I am Here = I am Still Here, as I always was Here.. when I thought I was Gone, therefore a Goner, because where I walked was through my mind without the support of these tools.
   
3. I commit myself to stop this thought, this idea that I can "leave" or that I will be "gone" if I walk without the tools and to question why I would entertain the idea of not using what I have to support myself. The tools, material, principles, and message of Desteni is with me forever - I cannot unsee or forget. This idea is of separation.
4. I commit myself to examine this separation within me where I am not equal to and one with Desteni + the tools, principles, material, people, and message that is in the Desteni name - to then question and forgive this separation.
5. I commit myself to stand equal to and one with/as Desteni in my name as my body, being, and mind... to embrace it as myself and understand it as such that I will not accept and allow these ideas that are but separations of myself from what is here that I have encountered. I recognize myself as Desteni. I recognize myself in the words that are written and spoken. I stand with them.
   
6. I commit myself to relearn what I already know and remind myself of what I already know to apply it. I have walked a process already that I have learned from and I will apply these lessons.
7. I commit myself to learn what self-commitment means to me such that I understand self-commitment and can therefore live it and consider my commitments to myself with clarity.
8. I commit myself to face my fears and educate myself on them that I may transcend them instead of become their slave as a coward by first writing out what specific fears I have that are holding me back the most (like sharing myself and putting myself out there).
9. I commit myself to stand up for myself when I am abusing myself in my mind with backchat and negative emotions that run through me like a river of doubt, shame, fear, and uncertainty to suppress my self expression and self expansion, to in this standing up for myself say "no more. no more self victimization, self-punishment, regret, and pity - I am here to support myself in all ways that I may be, do, give, and have the best in this life."
10. I commit myself to patience in walking my process, patience being that knowingness and gentleness with which I carefully work with myself to build trust with me. I am aware of pitfalls previously walked, dangers of self sabotage I may face again, and the time involved in missing nothing that I can see self-honestly.
11. I commit myself to use the resources available to me to support myself thoroughly, because I have found that there was an audio, an article, a person, a tool, or a perspective that could have helped me with a point I was facing or a mistake I have made or an illusion I was in.
12. I commit myself to clear my starting point and define my purpose by reading, writing, and investigating the words I read and write about this.
13. I commit myself to knowing myself instead of creating confusion in my mind about who I am.

Start as You Mean to Go On: Day 2

 Examining the words Starting Point before continuing on with my previous post:

The Starting Point Determines Everything.
The Beginning was Placed at the End.
How things Begin is (often) how they End.
(this is why Change is so important, because the Origin of What is Here is fucked)
Input = Output
What is First will be Last and what is Last will be First.
(referencing and applying the Principle of Everything is in Reverse)

_________

Why I am asking these questions below is not to search. It is to access myself as a whole for REsearch.
I am here and what exists inside me is everything relevant to me and the QUESTion.
Everything is here, the resources are available, so the question is always about accessing what is here.
Why am I here, writing about this?
Why am I here, participating in this process?

Because to correct my starting point means I correct where I will arrive.. my destination. In this context, we can say my starting point is also my destiny.

Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.

The Beginning was Placed at the End. The Starting Point Determines Everything.

Thus, I found Desteni which emphasizes exactly this point. Demonstrating the central importance of walking back through my memories to the origin of my Self with Self-Forgiveness.

I am here because I know what i've accepted and allowed throughout my life is not okay and I have compromised my life with what I have participated in. I see what has become of myself and the consequences of giving up, living in a cycle that I created.

What is clear to me about myself within my starting point is that I will always come back here until I do this all the way and give everything I have, until I can actually DO IT - until IT IS DONE. 
I get a flash memory of this old man I saw on some article or news clip, he was in his 70s or higher. He had taken his driver's license test too many times to count in his life. Such a simple thing to most people, and he did it for years until they finally granted him one. 
I think of him because I can see that determination in myself.
The failures have felt miserable and I did not immediately get back up every time. I do not always immediately get back up and apply myself again. Yet, here I am and I will always find a way.

My starting point is full of shit. Even in what I just wrote, there are more layers that need to be expressed and cleared up within this process. It is a mess, yet in it is some understanding and not all is lost.

I am writing this to (re)start my process (again) with the best foot forward. I am participating in this process because of my potential which I know deep down is more than what i've accepted. 

I am weary and wary because I am aware of where I began, where things went, and where it's ended before. 
My reluctance to walk process is based in fear of my patterns from my past.
Thus my memories surrounding how I began, what I faced, and where I fell is what I will process with self-forgiveness again.

I will move slower within myself as I walk this out and make time to be thorough in my self-examination. There are multiple dimensions to assess for my solution and I will access everything relevant to the point.
I have not even wrote a self-forgiveness statement yet because I want to see what stories I tell myself about this and what sort of explanations + questions arise from that.

What I have gathered from my writing thus far is my correction is to stop where I am at, standing before everything here on this page in my words, and start with all the fucked up shit I can see from the beginning.
To get clear on what this process means to me, why do I even want to do this, and sift through my answers using my bullshit filter to get to the bottom of this.

It is said to do this for your self. The only way for me to do that is to answer with what that means. I don't have the most precise specifics. Just what I found out when I used the tools. There was benefits. There is benefits. I can see the development of my potential. I was more certain and stable. Life definitely got better as I was consistent and genuine in my learning of them. That is why I want to do this for myself at the moment, because that was awesome and powerful.

Next blog, I will take this spelled out intention to practice with the structured process and the tools I understand. I will be (re)learning what I already know and seeing what will be most effective. I already have questions in terms of what will work best. All I know now is to trust the process and see what happens in the moment of application.

To here for now.

(Re)Starting Point: Day 1

What should I examine first?

The starting point; why I am here, where I am coming from, my reason for beginning, the qualities of my first step.

It's all here as me/with me. What does that mean? I look at myself/my experience while I also look at this page I am filling with words. Here in my body, mind, and being is the direct answer to my starting point. To what degree i'll be able to access the most important points for myself to examine, I am not certain, although I can certainly access what's in my face - that's the interface/surface of my programming. 

I am here because I am still fucked and I want to be free. I am here writing this because I want to support myself again within writing. I am here because I know if I can balance myself and my time within using all the tools available in this process, I will become the person I dream of.

As i've grown older, I see that I was preprogrammed to fail miserably in life with great potential held in front of me like a carrot stick. 

If I don't walk this process and have to return to my preprogramming, I will struggle to reconcile the lost opportunity and the thought of what if I had walked this process fully.

I understand that everyone is always in process, so this idea that I could have left it or that I have yet to walk any sort of process is just an idea. To walk with the tools, the material, and the message is still quite different than to go without the detailed awareness of what is happening.

If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart.

This isn't all written in order, these are the elements of the pattern.

Going into a memory:
In the beginning, facing the points Desteni material shares - I feel terrified. It is over my head. I study hard. I want to figure this out. I am perplexed, puzzled, but know this is the answer. I don't know how this could all be known, how this could all have happened. I feel insignificant. Not only do I lose everything i've known, I learn how I am a piece of shit in my own mind. I understand now that there are layers of interpretations and reactions here which the material is not responsible for - but in the beginning, when I started, it was like I was having deep existential criticism imparted on me. I went into existential dread for years. It wasn't all bad, because I saw the potential of life in those words. I read some words that freed my mind from things I didn't even know were trapping me.

Where then is the fall for me? I couldn't read. I couldn't see. I wasn't clear. All of the details of how I was fucking up ran rampant in my mind. I feared for my life after death, just in the context of a new religion that I was creating in my mind for what I had found. Then came the others, the world at large that was not "in-the-know". I passionately shared what I was learning and received silence from my world. In the silence and after it; the skepticism, judgment, ridicule, gossiping, and betrayal began. I perceived myself as persecuted for my new religion and my behavior was branded as cult-like. I must have accepted the branding because it seeded doubt in me.

I was in denial at the time, but what I have learned since then is that I have been a prisoner to other's minds- their thoughts of me mattered more to me than who I am to myself. I spent much time in the mirror of their words in my own mind, reacting to them. I suppressed this point because I believed or wanted to be someone who doesn't give a fuck and I acted like it didn't matter. Behind the suppression, I was unclear of the words I was standing in front of, unclear of my self, and in fear of how my world was changing before my eyes. I was alone within a world given to me through the internet. A world not visited by anyone I know in real life. A world rejected and resisted, even though it is the only one I was able to find gifts to free myself, to make life easier, and actual answers that were consistent across time. 

_____

I stopped writing to look into EQAFE interviews and found this:
Being Destonian the World Matrix

This was supportive to my writing because it brings up the dimension of how people behave with their religions. I had a lot of reactions listening to this interview where I was very uncomfortable having a look at how I have lived in relationship to Desteni. The word RELIGION stands out to me, from my writing and from this interview. I have been an Observer of Religion. I Observe Desteni as my Religion and I am uncomfortable, shy, unsure of sharing about my religion. It is like the memories that exist collectively of religion are my experience of Desteni, where everyone with a religion has another world they bring into this one and we all keep our religions largely to ourselves. Not everyone does, but many certainly do, and in the interview it talks about participants and observers. My pattern has been to keep most of it to myself because what I believe might be received in a way I don't want it to. I want it to be received in the light I see it. When someone else doesn't see it that way or attacks it, I go into reactions.

Will continue this post in the next one.