Isn't there any other way than self forgiveness?: Day 16

Why can't I live my life without self forgiveness?
What happens if I try to do all of this without it?
Forgiving my self won't change any thing.
Forgiveness won't help me change even after all the statements, so why do it?
I just distract my self with each statement from the actions I may have taken sooner if I just let the consequences build up.
Preparing my self for a moment of action with forgiveness makes it easier for me to not change my actions because I remember that I forgave it ahead of time/before facing that moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to make forgiveness impossible through defining it as making exceptions, making excuses, dragging things out, and justifying inaction and inability.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel forgiveness is a way out and that is a double entendre, fine-line meaning that I have let my self cross many times.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have disguised the ultimate escape/trap from my responsibility within the name/word/image of a tool that has the potential to help free me for life.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to leave this point unaddressed where my living understanding of self forgiveness misleads me to making the mistakes again and again instead of correcting them.. misleads me to unnecessarily repeating something as my statements lessen my awareness of my responsibility to correct my self and discover the change in my actions.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to make self forgiveness impossible to use in my life because, as I can see within me, it is thoroughly packed and clouded with terrible judgment and choices when and as it is applied to my self.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to forgive my self the way I have forgiven my self.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have any hope in forgiveness that it will work as long as these definitions still exist in my self as forgiveness - because as long as these definitions come back to life within me.. the self forgiveness will have the reverse effect.. and applying the reverse to my self is harsh to live with.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe I have no conditions within forgiving my self, that I am applying it the correct way, which is in the direction of correcting my self in my life.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to protect my self definition within self forgiveness where I have all sorts of beliefs, ideas, emotions and feelings, reactions, misunderstandings, unconsciousness, images, and more.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be living in this nightmare on earth and in my mind where self forgiveness is rejected and even once found has to be investigated thoroughly because it is practically booby trapped with programming that would never accept and allow the application of it without resistances, reactions, and conflict.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be so separated and mislead when it comes to this aspect of my self, this expression of my self, this tool of my self... that I barely grasp the way forward with it, and only with great amounts of support and sharing by others have I been able to grasp this..

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to miss the point that my experience of my self, that who I am in facing this word and the application of this word is a reflection of how unforgiving humanity is.. how hard it may be for this world to come around to forgiving itself.. and that who I am within applying self forgiveness makes a difference for this world, for others, to begin their journey of forgiving themselves - If I can change my relationship to self forgiveness, it will help the world change.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not see how inextricable self forgiveness is to life and how a world without it looks like the world we are already in.. one that will only get worse.. and how this questioning of a life lived in self forgiveness as impossible is really just a reflection of who I am.. why do I want to live without forgiveness?

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to fear the finality, the absoluteness, and the certainty I am able to see within self forgiveness - that it is already a functional element of life working in many ways.. and that just because the word/name is an interesting or fascinating choice that I want to question the peculiar nature of.. does not mean that it has not already had a specific, effective place in existence. Having the name of self forgiveness, application of it in specific statements, and the particular insights from participation just opens up the world I never knew could exist.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be stuck on my inability to see through the eyes of self forgiveness into my self in action, where I feel the clearing out of my self within self forgiveness has also cleared out any potential corrective actions I was prepared and committed to taking - which brings into question why was I going to act in the first place and from where was it that self forgiveness wiped it out?

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel incapacitated by self forgiveness and blinded because I no longer maintain a vision of my plan to act and lose touch with my sense of the situation.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to define forgiveness as the reason why I cannot get something done or why I didn't do something sooner.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to misplace my self or displace my self within my application of self forgiveness to where it is the only word I am trying to live and therefore constantly failing and falling because I cannot seem to escape this trap I created in/as the definition/self definition of forgiveness/self forgiveness.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel like self forgiveness is safety, that when I applying it I am saved and I don't need to worry about anything else as long as I am applying it - not to say that I should worry because self forgiveness won't save me.. but that I have a relationship with my self in forgiveness that must be corrected because my living of forgiveness as self is a rigged pitfall packed with things to be aware of - just as many other things in this also are.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe that what I am doing within self forgiveness is unquestionably best for me and that it couldn't use some serious investigation and written exploration from time to time.

When and as I forgive my self for accepting and allowing, I stop and I breathe.

I commit my self to step out of my pretenses about my application of my self within self forgiveness where I have many points within my self forgiveness to explore, and to balance my self in understanding that this I have not arrived at a point within my self to feel so safe and deeply trusting about.

I commit my self to work out my awareness within self forgiveness and bring forth these points within me that I see in applying self forgiveness, so that I am working with things inside me openly to grow and become confident.

I commit my self to finding a balancing point within the application of my self, where self forgiveness isn't overriding everything to the point I diminish my self in action because my living of self forgiveness is polluted in definition which becomes pollution in my life.

I commit my self to being serious about remaining in touch with my self commitments, actions, and changes.. and moving closer to those points and becoming more equidistant and in equilibrium with self forgiveness.. finding the harmony within my relationships to these words, then moving to the notes of that music.

I commit my self to being firm, flexible, and discerning when looking at how to walk this line where self forgiveness supports and enables me to act in and as what I see is best versus being passive, accepting, limp, and returning to old problems repetitively without any recourse I am satisfied by.

Clearing my self and starting point in relationship to Desteni: Day 15

My general experience of living in awareness of the process and message specificity I discovered first and foremost at Desteni (possibly the only place):

In my 'returning', I am still very much sorting out my initial experience of uncovering/discovering.
I have been investigating and clearing my internal reality of self while facing the mirror of self that is the material we share and reference.. Sticking to and working with my tenacity of the basics. I am grateful to have finally expanded my self to include a wiser, discerning, calmer, peaceful, enjoyable, and more comfortable experience of my self in walking with and applying what is here within the group and material. I was accustomed to only experiencing the absolute worst reactions and taking it extremely personally when I would dig in to the material or expose my self within particular perspectives that are shared here. At best I would be containing my fear in an adrenalized passion to fix or empower my self. The only place I saw my self in full, true agreement with (Desteni) was also the place I became the most deeply triggered, unsettled, fearful, and worst I have seen my self.

I can see that had I communicated what was coming up within me, heeded the suggestions of others, gave feedback openly, stopped lurking, assessed my interpretations, considered what is actually being said, and reached out for clarity and support.. That would have quite possibly began a total change of direction, understanding, resolve, and progress within me. Now that I can see the solutions that have helped settle the tremendous bickering in me about what I am facing, I want to support the application of my self within these solutions with some self forgiveness.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to assume that my experience of facing my self deeply within new information and knowledge that challenges everything (initially at Desteni) is a permanent, real experience that I have no possible way of assessing, changing, or supporting my self within.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be convinced that I clearly understood and grasped what I read or heard that is being shared by others when it is something I know I have never ever encountered before and if I looked within me I would see that I am simply having a tremendous amount of reactivity facing new information and knowledge.. so within this I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to overlook the simplicity of how I cannot self honestly say I have understood anything clearly except that I am having a hardcore, deep internal reaction to what I am facing and that I am not effectively processing any information.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have held on to my initial experience, my first impression of the different participants and material types at Desteni. Within this I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe I was in a good, standing, stable relationship to any of it when the only point that was clear was I had so much work to do to in sorting out my very beginnings to even see that I have cleared the grounds on which I stand.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to zealously consume material hoping I would eventually be familiar enough by massive amounts of consumption to stop having such dramatic, adrenalized, earth quaking, extreme, fiery reactions within me.. because that is not how it is done. I have to clear me out, calm me down, answer my unanswered questions, and discern what I can and can't work with at the moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to believe I can work with any thing and everything, so therefore forcing my self to look at material with a tortuous, punishing focus on 'dealing with it' instead of seeing who I am within it and directing my self to sort my self out or simply move on in the event it is something I cannot work with at the moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not realize and understand that nothing has been 'too much for me to handle' but that I am the one making any thing 'too much for me to handle' through my extremism and self abuse.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to mistake the experience of my self for the material being shared and individuals expressing themselves (more specifically here, meaning at Desteni), and I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to project/abdicate my responsibility to this experience of my self on to those I mistake for the source of what is happening within me.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my
self to feel I MUST experience my self as the absolute fucking worst I can be if I am here working with Desteni participants and material, as I have defined this word, the space and people within it.. as an experience of facing the most extreme evil within to better my self. Within this, I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe that to face my self as the absolute worst I must 'get into it', become possessed by it, and let it fuck with my head every day.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not see that I can decide how I face this challenge, this new information and knowledge, and that I do not have to walk into the dark living dreadful, damned, and unstable.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to walk with more weight than I can feasibly carry.

When and as I face new information and knowledge I have never encountered before that stirs me, I stop and I breathe.

I commit my self to assessing my self from the start and clearing my self from the beginning to the point I can take another step with what new I am faced with in all honesty.

I commit my self to opening my self up and sharing what is coming up within me for feedback, support, cross referencing, and clarifying so that I am working things out as I go and not developing my self within faulty interpretations and reactions I am attaching to words as definitions.

I commit my self to balancing my self as I walk with the new weight of information and knowledge I have never carried with me into living application of my self

I commit my self to applying self forgiveness to the basics, the tools, the perspectives. All so I am moving through this life with a clear grip on who I am and what I am working with.

I commit my self to focusing on who I am within and not the things and beings I encounter, yet to apply my self in the face of things and beings in a way that supports my self with who and what these beings and things are.

I commit my self to sharing how I overcome tremendous reactions that have potential to compromise me indefinitely.

"DIP Lite" and "21 days of SF on SF" Reflections: Day 14

I recently did 21 days of self forgiveness on self forgiveness in the Facebook group Daily Self Forgiveness. And just before that I finished DIP Lite, my review for the DIP Lite course is here on Facebook for you to read.

What can I see here within what i've done so far that i'd like to show everyone?
Applying (1) self within a structure and (2) the reflexive property of equality.

(1)
I walked the DIP Lite course and I have realized the support in structure exceeds the effectiveness of my preferences, because a structure is usually designed with consideration to the integrity of the total design and a good structure has much to offer. My preferences for how I live have been developed haphazardly over time with little consideration to the total integrity of my self and how I am designed. Seeing my self within a structure designed with complementary consideration to each point within the design and the participant within the structure has been interesting. With a sound structure, you can rely on what is set up once you know or can see the integrity within it, and then you can live or apply your self within it knowing you are looking at something in agreement. For me, it definitely requires a hefty dose of humility walking with people and information that definitely knows better than I do. What I have learned to do here to resolve the dissonance or conflict between my preferences for seeing, doing, and otherwise living is to not trash everything that now seems inferior before the people and information who know better. I see my self as my preferences as one possible definition or interpretation to anything and all that I see as knowing better I will bridge my self to. I am committed to covering ground from my preferences (point a) to what I see that knows better than me (point b). But I cannot just pretend I am at point b because I see my self in agreement with point b. Even if point b makes all the sense in the world and I cannot imagine saying it any better, there is still work for me to go as I am here at point a and living my life from point a.

(2)
Self forgiveness is a tool one has to become familiar with by simply using it, as you would with any tool. An interesting point for me though was I hated this tool and everything that came with it. Although I could see that great things were being done with this tool and many people were fulfilling themselves with it, I couldn't imagine that for my self. My experience in using it was so dissatisfying and frustrating that I blocked it from consideration for years. I had to have some sort of conversation with my self about the tool itself, about self forgiveness' existence, and that's sort of what I did with the 21 days of Self Forgiveness on Self Forgiveness. Within doing this, I was not just writing about it - I was applying it to itself and in that also having that conversation I needed with my self about it. That was a pretty cool point to see because to just write out everything within me towards self forgiveness, I would not exactly be seeing it for what it is... but in applying my self in self forgiveness towards self forgiveness, it was like seeing someone the way they see themselves. The point is so simple but in doing this you can see when something agrees with itself - when something is equal to it self - by doing this. It becomes self reflective. I was able to see that what I disagree with is not the word but with all the things I didn't realize have nothing to do with this word - but like a bad rumor spread about your name - people will start to believe in that bullshit. And this is the case with self forgiveness - we all believe a bunch of bullshit rumors spread around the world and we spread those rumors as true, too. And in doing this we really never get to know the real substance in a name, just like a person - you never get to know the real person when you believe all the shit you had spread to you. And in applying my self this way with self forgiveness it was like going to the person directly about who they are - and allowing me to share and cross reference things, to then cross-out the rumors to get closer to the substance. And also, look for my self at why did I come here with rumors? Did I come seeking the truth of the rumors or the truth of the life/substance in the name/word?


One more point on both (1) and (2) combined.

When applying self forgiveness, I find it most effective to write or speak something out loud first to establish whatever my self honesty is in that moment so I can walk back through what I said or wrote to forgive my self out loud for. It is like stating my self to be clear so that when I forgive my self it is also clear what my reference is for the forgiveness, so there isn't a question of "what am I forgiving my self for? " - "why am I forgiving my self again?" - because here the answer is clear, the answer to those questions is in what I stated purposefully, clearly, to see what I can forgive my self for.

Thanks, this is all for now.