This has come up in my life multiple times where someone points out how "anti-everything" I am, even the simplest of things I sometimes have a "that's bullshit" attitude towards. I want to write on this for a moment because it's somewhat integral to my life.
Why do we accept everything as it is?
Why is it questionable when we dissociate from this?
What does it mean to go with what others think if what I think is also what they think?
What does it mean for me to go with what I think when I don't know where I got what I think?
What does it mean to think I think for my self and who do I think I am that has "original thinking"?
Is what I experience in the world coming from me?
Am I going against my self when I feel resistance from others, my mind, and this world?
I accept most things as they are presented to me so that I am here with others, so that I show I am here with the picture presentation as my self, that I am not in conflict with the "reality" before me.
"The difference between someone who is sane or insane is the ability to accept the world as it is imposed on you" - U.G. Krishnamurti.
Working with the world as it appears is important, but none of this is what it appears and because every part reflects the whole... how is any part of the whole what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe..? Looking into everything that is "to-the-contrary" leads me somewhere much closer to the way things actually are.. because this place, who we are, what we are in.. is not as it seems. Trespassing on every definition of a word defining this existence is helpful to me, because as useless as it seems to the way things are... it is going to show something "off-limits", and reality is quite "off-limits" to the mind we live in daily.
What if contrary isn't what we think either? What if all the contrarianism supports the way things are... and in what way does it do so? If everything as it is leads us away from ourselves and into all sorts of different worlds than the one we are in... trying to create this and that as a "better tomorrow" instead of showing us what is already here and the potential within us as we are here. Isn't that up for an investigation as it's a form of futile escapism? I don't believe in the definition of reality as the picture presentation or the underlying "sounds" in-forming this 3d animated picture we believe so much about.
This is a frustrating experience of unearthing over-due "doubt" which underlies all belief. We have lived our lives clinging to a specifically placed rock of knowledge and information practically drowning in all the evidence that we know nothing and the indications that "something is up". An obvious but elaborate hoax is the condition of humanity and we have a long way to go in undoing the con of our consciousness,
This does nothing for the way the world is and great things for the way the world can be.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Thursday, December 1, 2016
How little seems to help: Day 12
A reflection on how my self application is experienced recently: The little things help and sometimes that little is barely enough to get by, but barely enough will eventually become more as little begins to bear enough. Little shifts in things, like the way my title sounds as if i'm about to expand on how nothing seems to be working but if you look at it from a slightly different perspective... i'm just examining the words "little" and "help", how they appear in each other and how they appear in my life.
In the spirit of this blog title, I want to give to my self a little help that may seem like nothing and neither at all at first, but is precisely the support I require and more. A little help that can help me bear enough when I feel I am barely getting by:
MY Words! Look at my words! The little helpers, holding-signs, holding my power and my life in my writing.. my thinking.. my speaking.. my memory.. in my eyes as I read and in my ears as I hear..
They are so obvious and yet obscured out in the open.
These signs and their nature, the signature.
Signs helping with direction, helping with location, seeing where I am at..
And within what words I see, what I have signed up for and signed off on is apparent to me.
MY nature, MY sign, MY signature is within all that comes up.inside ME as MY INWARD WORLD - the IN-WORD reality inside the embodied and living WORD/NAME Jonathan.
Signing off, Jonathan.
In the spirit of this blog title, I want to give to my self a little help that may seem like nothing and neither at all at first, but is precisely the support I require and more. A little help that can help me bear enough when I feel I am barely getting by:
MY Words! Look at my words! The little helpers, holding-signs, holding my power and my life in my writing.. my thinking.. my speaking.. my memory.. in my eyes as I read and in my ears as I hear..
They are so obvious and yet obscured out in the open.
These signs and their nature, the signature.
Signs helping with direction, helping with location, seeing where I am at..
And within what words I see, what I have signed up for and signed off on is apparent to me.
MY nature, MY sign, MY signature is within all that comes up.inside ME as MY INWARD WORLD - the IN-WORD reality inside the embodied and living WORD/NAME Jonathan.
Signing off, Jonathan.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Self Reflections on WHAT is this "Process" to ME so far: Day 11
An issue i've had with this whole thing from day one, years ago, is not putting my finger on certain vocabulary terms and "translating" it for myself..
This is NOT a unique issue anywhere in life, this is what we should do with everything we learn.
This IS a unique issue because some "simple" terms/words in my life are now world-altering within the context which I am able to explore them at Desteni.
That can be frustrating because i've been used to this one way of using something (words) for almost all my life and now it is like "oh.. we've completely missed something about the thing which built this entire world.. words."
It's actually quite massive, to realize even a glimpse of the way life is lived in words, and to see that there is definitely another way than what we've come to accept and know. The words and relationship to words must be transformed if I am to be anything more than what i've come to accept and believe that I "know".
Okay, onto some words about the word "PROCESS" to help me transition/transmute my self into greater understanding.
What is this "PROCESS" i'm seeing and learning about?
Process, in the context i'm understanding it, is a "big picture" thing.
Everyone is busy in their "process" all the time, with or without a name for it.. everyone has been living in process. Process is necessary.. there really isn't a choice in it, there is something fundamentally equal about process.. it is a fact of how we live and operate. Within the structure I have been applying myself at DIP Lite, the focus is on this process.. the structure is based on successfully understanding and walking this process. I have never seen anybody or been to any other place besides Destiny that has ever put this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" into words that fit so snug as the naming of the experience and principles of this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" (Walking our Process). In my short existence on earth, all the people and material i've discovered in life reveals to me that this process may have been something that has only been understood in parts throughout time and to what detail any of those parts were specified or known to be connected to each other.. I am not sure. Or maybe this is new?
The most obvious way I can show what I am seeing here is to reference the vocabulary being used and the steps in which these points are placed that makes SO MUCH SENSE. This PROCESS is the same for all no matter if you had the words for it or not.
HOWEVER! HAVING THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE IT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN IMAGINE.
I gave a cool contrast on this point already in this post DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9 - but I will give my understanding here again as I feel more reiterations help me develop my nuances and support my ability to walk confidently.
You have BREATHING, SELF-WRITING, SELF-QUESTIONING/INVESTIGATION, SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-REALIZATION, SELF-COMMITMENT, AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION AS ACTION.
This covers, without adding everything I can think of, the vocabulary of the process as I understand it at this moment. All these words, with or without knowing them and using them in your life, are points within a process that we all walk in this life. These words practically define, or begin to define, our successful fruition in life.. our successful becoming (or is it unbecoming?) in life. With these points one can support themselves effectively through anything.. We experience and live these words many times in life but do not realize how deliberately we can walk within this type of language. To command our lives with an understanding of who we are as these words gives a new way, a new possibility, a new opening in our existence where we don't stumble accidentally into success, into freedom, into blossoming, into transcendence.
We use phrases on ourselves and others like, "you need to let go of that." when we can suggest they make a statement of SELF FORGIVENESS TO LET IT GO/RELEASE THEMSELVES. That "letting go" phrase is a suggestion of SELF-FORGIVENESS. We have REALIZATIONS many times and how often do we take those into ACTION as our LIVING? If someone knew about SELF COMMITMENT and MAKING SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS to themselves, would that maybe fill the gap in their understanding of how to live their realizations?
SELF HONESTY is a fascinating word. Because when I learned it and began sharing it - do you know how few people i've actually met that seemed familiar with this word, not to mention using it? Same with SELF-DISHONESTY. And yet everyone has an experience of these words, a living of these words, and these words are critical to communicating with your self. They all work together in a way that supports the best in us - but without these words how is anyone supposed to know the way?
This could be a very long post so I will stop here for now and leave with this:
What if there is a way to live that doesn't involve struggling purely because you don't know enough or don't understand enough?
What if the reason it's been so difficult is because we didn't have the words to put to what we have been living?
What if the steps were known for anyone to fulfill themselves, if they apply themselves?
What if it wasn't just a bunch of guessing and there is a focus on that solution?
Walking this process for me, I am seeing myself more like an equation, where I am being shown how to "do the math" and in doing the math... I see how the answers are within me as this equation, and most importantly /how I can find those answers within "me"/ - I don't just "know there's something within me".. i'm able to show myself for real and find out.. with time. It is a process. :)
This is NOT a unique issue anywhere in life, this is what we should do with everything we learn.
This IS a unique issue because some "simple" terms/words in my life are now world-altering within the context which I am able to explore them at Desteni.
That can be frustrating because i've been used to this one way of using something (words) for almost all my life and now it is like "oh.. we've completely missed something about the thing which built this entire world.. words."
It's actually quite massive, to realize even a glimpse of the way life is lived in words, and to see that there is definitely another way than what we've come to accept and know. The words and relationship to words must be transformed if I am to be anything more than what i've come to accept and believe that I "know".
Okay, onto some words about the word "PROCESS" to help me transition/transmute my self into greater understanding.
What is this "PROCESS" i'm seeing and learning about?
Process, in the context i'm understanding it, is a "big picture" thing.
Everyone is busy in their "process" all the time, with or without a name for it.. everyone has been living in process. Process is necessary.. there really isn't a choice in it, there is something fundamentally equal about process.. it is a fact of how we live and operate. Within the structure I have been applying myself at DIP Lite, the focus is on this process.. the structure is based on successfully understanding and walking this process. I have never seen anybody or been to any other place besides Destiny that has ever put this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" into words that fit so snug as the naming of the experience and principles of this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" (Walking our Process). In my short existence on earth, all the people and material i've discovered in life reveals to me that this process may have been something that has only been understood in parts throughout time and to what detail any of those parts were specified or known to be connected to each other.. I am not sure. Or maybe this is new?
The most obvious way I can show what I am seeing here is to reference the vocabulary being used and the steps in which these points are placed that makes SO MUCH SENSE. This PROCESS is the same for all no matter if you had the words for it or not.
HOWEVER! HAVING THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE IT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN IMAGINE.
I gave a cool contrast on this point already in this post DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9 - but I will give my understanding here again as I feel more reiterations help me develop my nuances and support my ability to walk confidently.
You have BREATHING, SELF-WRITING, SELF-QUESTIONING/INVESTIGATION, SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-REALIZATION, SELF-COMMITMENT, AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION AS ACTION.
This covers, without adding everything I can think of, the vocabulary of the process as I understand it at this moment. All these words, with or without knowing them and using them in your life, are points within a process that we all walk in this life. These words practically define, or begin to define, our successful fruition in life.. our successful becoming (or is it unbecoming?) in life. With these points one can support themselves effectively through anything.. We experience and live these words many times in life but do not realize how deliberately we can walk within this type of language. To command our lives with an understanding of who we are as these words gives a new way, a new possibility, a new opening in our existence where we don't stumble accidentally into success, into freedom, into blossoming, into transcendence.
We use phrases on ourselves and others like, "you need to let go of that." when we can suggest they make a statement of SELF FORGIVENESS TO LET IT GO/RELEASE THEMSELVES. That "letting go" phrase is a suggestion of SELF-FORGIVENESS. We have REALIZATIONS many times and how often do we take those into ACTION as our LIVING? If someone knew about SELF COMMITMENT and MAKING SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS to themselves, would that maybe fill the gap in their understanding of how to live their realizations?
SELF HONESTY is a fascinating word. Because when I learned it and began sharing it - do you know how few people i've actually met that seemed familiar with this word, not to mention using it? Same with SELF-DISHONESTY. And yet everyone has an experience of these words, a living of these words, and these words are critical to communicating with your self. They all work together in a way that supports the best in us - but without these words how is anyone supposed to know the way?
This could be a very long post so I will stop here for now and leave with this:
What if there is a way to live that doesn't involve struggling purely because you don't know enough or don't understand enough?
What if the reason it's been so difficult is because we didn't have the words to put to what we have been living?
What if the steps were known for anyone to fulfill themselves, if they apply themselves?
What if it wasn't just a bunch of guessing and there is a focus on that solution?
Walking this process for me, I am seeing myself more like an equation, where I am being shown how to "do the math" and in doing the math... I see how the answers are within me as this equation, and most importantly /how I can find those answers within "me"/ - I don't just "know there's something within me".. i'm able to show myself for real and find out.. with time. It is a process. :)
Saturday, November 5, 2016
The ALMOST Boiling Point and Nothing is "Enough": Day 10
I always kinda see more to be done and better ways to do what i'm doing.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9
I am walking the DIP Lite course and considering DIP Pro as the next natural step in the flow.
I want to share my experience of "renewing" myself in this active, focused, walking awareness of process.
Where to start?
I am in the self-commitment statement part of the course, where I spell out what realizations I have in relationship to a single sentence of self-forgiveness I wrote in the last part of the course, then move on to self commitment statements about correcting my self when faced with the point I forgive myself for.
What am I seeing here about my self in this section?
I am seeing within my writing about anything that I am exercising a great clarity and insight to my self. I am guiding my self healthily through points in my life and my mind with a structured and organized focus on my self and my ability.
What do I mean by this?
We'll do a before and after DIP Lite of this same experience.
When thinking about mistakes I make in the day, how does my self reflection go?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I think about how to recover from the experience, maybe it isn't over yet, the experience can still be salvaged into a personal success! I look for ways to do something about it, but i'm guessing the whole time hoping I come up with a solution to my experience and situation. Time passes and I didn't resolve it, the moment is gone and there is nothing to do about it now.. It becomes something I will have to "try again some other time". My reflection on that moment continues into the next day, whatever happened wasn't just a situation in the world, now it is a mental scenario affecting me into a new day!
What happens here, when the time passes and it is now in my head?
I practice all I know how to resolve my mind's disturbance! Seeing perspectives, open my self to new understandings, look for any insight I have by reviewing the memory, thinking about other things to get my mind off it, going on some walk, there's plenty of things I can try. OR sometimes it goes away, there's nothing gained from it, I forget or ignore it, I let it change my experience of my self for ANY amount of time and do nothing about it, I accept it... the options for "dealing with it" are numerous.
I am going to make a statement about the way I deal with things inside the mind and I believe this is most likely true for you as well.
I pretend I know what I am doing most the time, I am guessing and running on hints.
I am not the one directing my self, my mind is - yet I have an idea of my self calling the shots.
My self assessment is not thorough and does not follow a set of rules.
The outcomes in my life are not guaranteed, but the potential for successful outcomes is unlikely because of the level of discipline in relationship to my self.
It is more luck, circumstances, and my programming growing up that's got me here.
I go about my internal world and external world haphazardly.
What is the difference with this process I am walking?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I look for ways to do something about it and see that I have tools and a structured way of reflecting to help me see the way. I breathe while the time passes and I have an opportunity to sit down with my self. I write about the experience. I look at what I wrote then identify my experience of compromise, reaction, fear, ego, emotions and feelings, thinking, and where it started. Then I move onto self forgiveness statements specific to my writing to release and give my self back to my self. I then write what I realize about my self in relationship to the experience and follow up with commitments to change with realistic considerations of applying that change.
But what about when I am done with that?
I breathe. I don't have to think about it. I took a point through a structured, healthy, and thorough assessment (self-writing, identifying the problem in writing). I applied a tool directly related to releasing/letting go/deleting the nuisance of my mind (self forgiveness) = so there's no avoidance tricks to worry about performing correctly. And I communicated to my self, all in writing, what I SEE (self-realization) that was REALLY GOING ON ... and then how I PLANNED TO FACE IT AND CHANGE (self-commitment). And then I breathe it into life with me.
I talked it out with my self, walked it through my mind on paper, now all that is left is to remind myself of the changes I am ready to apply when I face the same situation/moment/experience in my world.
But this doesn't guarantee I will change, it supports my best efforts to change.The "moment of truth" is my physical application, if I live the change, embody it for real when the time comes. Breathing helps with this.
So - I hope my example was sufficient. The process walked in the DIP Lite is a process everyone walks, with or without awareness - I can see that now. Everyone is busy accumulating ways to resolve their minds and their lives, to change and be the best they can be, but there is really so much guessing going on. And in all that guessing, trial and error does work - but there's no real sense of knowing what the hell we are doing.. we cling to what we know works, or think works, and we don't always know why something works when it does either.
The difference I see here in how I apply myself, how this application differs from the previous, is in the structured reflecting on my self. Each tool like writing, self forgiveness, self realization, self commitment, is a reflection of who I am. Applying each of those tools to my self as my life in a "step-by-step" fashion.. especially in the way it is outlined.. seems to come from an understanding of what should naturally come before and after each other.. This process seems to be ordered the way anyone has successfully dealt with themselves by accidental guessing. This is the most direct way of working with my self I have encountered. The previous way I have lived and have a tendency to live is like pushing all the buttons on the control panel, grabbing for anything and everything I have in and near me.. just hoping it works. And given, I had method to my madness but this beats any mad methods of mine for resolving my issues.
Enjoy.
I want to share my experience of "renewing" myself in this active, focused, walking awareness of process.
Where to start?
I am in the self-commitment statement part of the course, where I spell out what realizations I have in relationship to a single sentence of self-forgiveness I wrote in the last part of the course, then move on to self commitment statements about correcting my self when faced with the point I forgive myself for.
What am I seeing here about my self in this section?
I am seeing within my writing about anything that I am exercising a great clarity and insight to my self. I am guiding my self healthily through points in my life and my mind with a structured and organized focus on my self and my ability.
What do I mean by this?
We'll do a before and after DIP Lite of this same experience.
When thinking about mistakes I make in the day, how does my self reflection go?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I think about how to recover from the experience, maybe it isn't over yet, the experience can still be salvaged into a personal success! I look for ways to do something about it, but i'm guessing the whole time hoping I come up with a solution to my experience and situation. Time passes and I didn't resolve it, the moment is gone and there is nothing to do about it now.. It becomes something I will have to "try again some other time". My reflection on that moment continues into the next day, whatever happened wasn't just a situation in the world, now it is a mental scenario affecting me into a new day!
What happens here, when the time passes and it is now in my head?
I practice all I know how to resolve my mind's disturbance! Seeing perspectives, open my self to new understandings, look for any insight I have by reviewing the memory, thinking about other things to get my mind off it, going on some walk, there's plenty of things I can try. OR sometimes it goes away, there's nothing gained from it, I forget or ignore it, I let it change my experience of my self for ANY amount of time and do nothing about it, I accept it... the options for "dealing with it" are numerous.
I am going to make a statement about the way I deal with things inside the mind and I believe this is most likely true for you as well.
I pretend I know what I am doing most the time, I am guessing and running on hints.
I am not the one directing my self, my mind is - yet I have an idea of my self calling the shots.
My self assessment is not thorough and does not follow a set of rules.
The outcomes in my life are not guaranteed, but the potential for successful outcomes is unlikely because of the level of discipline in relationship to my self.
It is more luck, circumstances, and my programming growing up that's got me here.
I go about my internal world and external world haphazardly.
What is the difference with this process I am walking?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I look for ways to do something about it and see that I have tools and a structured way of reflecting to help me see the way. I breathe while the time passes and I have an opportunity to sit down with my self. I write about the experience. I look at what I wrote then identify my experience of compromise, reaction, fear, ego, emotions and feelings, thinking, and where it started. Then I move onto self forgiveness statements specific to my writing to release and give my self back to my self. I then write what I realize about my self in relationship to the experience and follow up with commitments to change with realistic considerations of applying that change.
But what about when I am done with that?
I breathe. I don't have to think about it. I took a point through a structured, healthy, and thorough assessment (self-writing, identifying the problem in writing). I applied a tool directly related to releasing/letting go/deleting the nuisance of my mind (self forgiveness) = so there's no avoidance tricks to worry about performing correctly. And I communicated to my self, all in writing, what I SEE (self-realization) that was REALLY GOING ON ... and then how I PLANNED TO FACE IT AND CHANGE (self-commitment). And then I breathe it into life with me.
I talked it out with my self, walked it through my mind on paper, now all that is left is to remind myself of the changes I am ready to apply when I face the same situation/moment/experience in my world.
But this doesn't guarantee I will change, it supports my best efforts to change.The "moment of truth" is my physical application, if I live the change, embody it for real when the time comes. Breathing helps with this.
So - I hope my example was sufficient. The process walked in the DIP Lite is a process everyone walks, with or without awareness - I can see that now. Everyone is busy accumulating ways to resolve their minds and their lives, to change and be the best they can be, but there is really so much guessing going on. And in all that guessing, trial and error does work - but there's no real sense of knowing what the hell we are doing.. we cling to what we know works, or think works, and we don't always know why something works when it does either.
The difference I see here in how I apply myself, how this application differs from the previous, is in the structured reflecting on my self. Each tool like writing, self forgiveness, self realization, self commitment, is a reflection of who I am. Applying each of those tools to my self as my life in a "step-by-step" fashion.. especially in the way it is outlined.. seems to come from an understanding of what should naturally come before and after each other.. This process seems to be ordered the way anyone has successfully dealt with themselves by accidental guessing. This is the most direct way of working with my self I have encountered. The previous way I have lived and have a tendency to live is like pushing all the buttons on the control panel, grabbing for anything and everything I have in and near me.. just hoping it works. And given, I had method to my madness but this beats any mad methods of mine for resolving my issues.
Enjoy.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Starting Points of Words: Day 8
An examination of my self in question,
Why are my words here?
What reason did I place myself in writing?
Where are my words coming from?
In other words than what I placed visibly for myself and others to see and hear, what is the source of these words?
I was having a conversation with my partner the other day about an experience I find tricky.
It is when I am communicating to myself in thought, spoken or written word - I can become unaware of my self within my application of the words. I may be going on and on, about this and that, yet only one thing is communicated. And it doesn't end.
A specific example, I like to push myself to be /honest/ with myself. I like to find ways of exploring self /honestly/. This sometimes looks like a prodding disbelief in my initial answers. I'm saying to myself, 'Hey, that doesn't sound like everything! That's not satisfactory what you gave me. There's more to what you mean, I don't believe you!' - and then I give myself more answers, I go on pushing myself for /more honesty/, and more and more.... and more. I have a thought that somewhere inside myself /that my honesty will be enough/. I have a thought /that applying my words from a point of honesty is all, it is enough/. Yet, I can push myself forever to be more frank, plain, brutal, visible and simple in my honesty and /still get stuck at a point/.
It is with this experience that I see, I have to see words in all the other ways they can be applied. It is not just to communicate everything in me as it is, because words do more than just reveal. Words create. It is cool, for a moment, to reveal myself in words as the expression of my self honesty. It is however not enough to stay in this mode of 'getting things out', it is not enough to spell out an experience. Up to a certain point, dragging out the communication based on revelatory honesty only supports and continues the creation of the shit going on inside. Honesty has to become responsibility and change. I have to move from a narrative of seeing my creations as they are into the words of a creator reconsidering the direction of my universe.
With this point coming to surface I can see how limited my mobility in words has been in life because of the fact I could not see the starting point of why I am accepting and allowing the placing of my words before me the way I am. Are these words I am writing, speaking, and thinking only serving as a distraction from something else? A distraction from my self and something more I could be doing? There is a tyrannical limitation on words, where the narratives coming from 'me' are only stimulated into existence by a single point of some idea about my self. The one thing I am always communicating is my self, and it is quite easy to for me to see some of the limitations in my words that keep me busy in my mind.
What power do I give to certain points within myself as my mind?
Can I see the words that describe what I am allowing to control my word choices and how I express myself in words?
What really deserves the creative, directive principle of my words?
How often do I accept something less worthy to dictate my diction?
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Initiative.. I give a shit in this shit I live: Day 7
Initiative:
the ability to assess and initiate things independently.
the power or opportunity to act or take charge before others do.
an act or strategy intended to resolve a difficulty or improve a situation; a fresh approach to something.
I began unintentionally looking at words that "serve the purpose" of words like "exploration", "discovery", and "direction". Initiative stands out to me in my process because in living initiative, I begin before anyone else sees what I do or looking for permission or confirmation.. without initiative I cannot fathom doing what I see within me.. and within the word "initiative" I also see a "line" coming DIRECT from myself.
In word play, I see "in this shit, I live" and "I give a shit". In this shit, i'm the one giving direction to myself.
And the shit I live in I give a shit about.
Referencing my dictionary definitions above, I see a line of self taking responsibility where no one else sees or knows someone else can. No one knows what each one can bring to the table. And initiative can resolve a messy/shitty situation by each one individually bringing themselves (fresh) to the situation.All this shit gets messy and the "fresh approach" for each one is to stop this shit, clear the way by sorting shit out by themselves, and helping with the clean up. An initiative is always a fresh approach - it's coming from me, the being before the beginning who is begetting the action. Giving a shit about the shit I live in, i'll act on what I see about the shit within me that can be done. Nothing would ever be done if no one had initiative. If everyone lives with self-initiative, we wouldn't be in this shit initially.
Also, considering the dimension of the word where it is to act/stand/become before anyone else - I had a look at if this can then be taught by someone else... if it is SELF initiative.. can anyone else really show self what it means to live self initiative? Who and what is initiating us in our lives? If we look inside, what's communicating our initiative? Mind-initiative is not self-initiative.. so can we really say that even if we act on our thinking, that we have initiative?
Looking at thoughts, too - that is really a big point of initiative where absolutely no one else can act on for us. What is going on within our minds requires self initiative from everyone - because in that shit we are clearly, absolutely the only ones who can sort it out in life.
the ability to assess and initiate things independently.
the power or opportunity to act or take charge before others do.
an act or strategy intended to resolve a difficulty or improve a situation; a fresh approach to something.
I began unintentionally looking at words that "serve the purpose" of words like "exploration", "discovery", and "direction". Initiative stands out to me in my process because in living initiative, I begin before anyone else sees what I do or looking for permission or confirmation.. without initiative I cannot fathom doing what I see within me.. and within the word "initiative" I also see a "line" coming DIRECT from myself.
In word play, I see "in this shit, I live" and "I give a shit". In this shit, i'm the one giving direction to myself.
And the shit I live in I give a shit about.
Referencing my dictionary definitions above, I see a line of self taking responsibility where no one else sees or knows someone else can. No one knows what each one can bring to the table. And initiative can resolve a messy/shitty situation by each one individually bringing themselves (fresh) to the situation.All this shit gets messy and the "fresh approach" for each one is to stop this shit, clear the way by sorting shit out by themselves, and helping with the clean up. An initiative is always a fresh approach - it's coming from me, the being before the beginning who is begetting the action. Giving a shit about the shit I live in, i'll act on what I see about the shit within me that can be done. Nothing would ever be done if no one had initiative. If everyone lives with self-initiative, we wouldn't be in this shit initially.
Also, considering the dimension of the word where it is to act/stand/become before anyone else - I had a look at if this can then be taught by someone else... if it is SELF initiative.. can anyone else really show self what it means to live self initiative? Who and what is initiating us in our lives? If we look inside, what's communicating our initiative? Mind-initiative is not self-initiative.. so can we really say that even if we act on our thinking, that we have initiative?
Looking at thoughts, too - that is really a big point of initiative where absolutely no one else can act on for us. What is going on within our minds requires self initiative from everyone - because in that shit we are clearly, absolutely the only ones who can sort it out in life.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
The Scale of This One Opportunity Called Life: DAY 6
Something inside me that disrupts my complacency in the brainwashing of my own mind is:
The finite nature of this opportunity that is my life and the scale in which the development of my potential within this opportunity can be seen. See, even as I write this, the opportunity is renewed and coming to a close all at the same time. I have a single life, a life who's maximum potential is already "one" within itself. This opportunity of life is the only one I have, the ultimate one, and I am the final one of "me".
Incarnate, who will ever hold my point in/as spacetime ever again?
Any speculation beyond who I am here, about who I am in the "hereafter", is rubbish irrelevant nonsense misleading many lives to participate in meaningless destruction of life on earth here as it exists right now - nothing is "hereafter" .. everything is /here/.
That being said, this "one life" point has spiritual, motivational, and unity-type connotations. Memes float around with just this text and an image, "one life" ... and some people say "one life" like it carries deep positivity and love. I see this quite differently and also see something more to be considered about the meaning of this one life that each have.
In this one life - my finite expression of life walks through finite circumstances with finite resources on my journey here on a finite planet called "earth" with all the finite "earthlings". Within this journey, everything is spread out quite well throughout spacetime - which is numbered.. finite. Even our concept of infinity still references finite - right there in the fucking name!
in-FINITE.. in-FINITY..
Okay, so I beat that dead horse "one life" thing enough.
WHAT IS THE OPPORTUNITY WITHIN MY ONE LIFE?
The development of my greatest potential expression and the inheritances that come with the life that is given freely to all.
The scale in which I see this opportunity are in the size of things designed to take it away.
The proportion I see my opportunity within life is related to the way things are that do not support the full potential of any life in existence.
The reality of how little would be left for me to get to really, actually know and exercise my real self if I did not have what and who I have in my life
I have an example for you, we will start with a week.
I am excluding the minority rich in my example.
You have a week, 7 days, 168 hours.
You work about a quarter of these hours or more, most likely.
You work 5 out of 7 of those days, most likely.
You sleep 4-8 hours a night? More, if you really like sleep.
You have 100 hours left at 4 hours a night, to 58 hours left if you do 10 hours a night.
These hours are not continuous, they are discontinuous with each other.
Remember, only 2 of these 7 days are not controlled by work.On a work day, your work schedule can split those remaining "free" hours in half, too.
How many hours, with all this remaining time left, is spent on errands?
How much on driving?
How much time is spent taking care of other things?
How much time is spent on things like school?
How much time is spent on work AFTER work?
How often is the time used to simply de-stress from everything?
How often are weekends all about "fun"?
How often do we mis-use some of this time on shit we know doesn't matter?
How many hours are consumed distracting ourselves?
How many hours are with others?
How much is spent getting ready and looking good?
When is the specific time for self to be really, totally focused on freeing self and getting to know self?
Everything is included in these schedules, the plans, the timeline, except for a dedicated focus on self.
A real sit down, with detailed attention on self.
Everything except for the honest facing of self has the spotlight in our world.
The only interest in one's self that enters the time commitments and deadlines is related to keeping self in the same cycle - maintaining the status quo - never realizing who self is in any detail.
This is where I see the scale of my opportunity - in all that time I don't really have and all those hours I do that I can use to support me for real. Any time I can commit to this opportunity to develop myself to the fullest has to be committed, because these time commitments as they exist right now do not in themselves have a designed interest in fulfilling my purpose. If there isn't time, I will make it. And any time that is currently "open" for me - must be filled with a stand for myself.
The finite nature of this opportunity that is my life and the scale in which the development of my potential within this opportunity can be seen. See, even as I write this, the opportunity is renewed and coming to a close all at the same time. I have a single life, a life who's maximum potential is already "one" within itself. This opportunity of life is the only one I have, the ultimate one, and I am the final one of "me".
Incarnate, who will ever hold my point in/as spacetime ever again?
Any speculation beyond who I am here, about who I am in the "hereafter", is rubbish irrelevant nonsense misleading many lives to participate in meaningless destruction of life on earth here as it exists right now - nothing is "hereafter" .. everything is /here/.
That being said, this "one life" point has spiritual, motivational, and unity-type connotations. Memes float around with just this text and an image, "one life" ... and some people say "one life" like it carries deep positivity and love. I see this quite differently and also see something more to be considered about the meaning of this one life that each have.
In this one life - my finite expression of life walks through finite circumstances with finite resources on my journey here on a finite planet called "earth" with all the finite "earthlings". Within this journey, everything is spread out quite well throughout spacetime - which is numbered.. finite. Even our concept of infinity still references finite - right there in the fucking name!
in-FINITE.. in-FINITY..
Okay, so I beat that dead horse "one life" thing enough.
WHAT IS THE OPPORTUNITY WITHIN MY ONE LIFE?
The development of my greatest potential expression and the inheritances that come with the life that is given freely to all.
The scale in which I see this opportunity are in the size of things designed to take it away.
The proportion I see my opportunity within life is related to the way things are that do not support the full potential of any life in existence.
The reality of how little would be left for me to get to really, actually know and exercise my real self if I did not have what and who I have in my life
I have an example for you, we will start with a week.
I am excluding the minority rich in my example.
You have a week, 7 days, 168 hours.
You work about a quarter of these hours or more, most likely.
You work 5 out of 7 of those days, most likely.
You sleep 4-8 hours a night? More, if you really like sleep.
You have 100 hours left at 4 hours a night, to 58 hours left if you do 10 hours a night.
These hours are not continuous, they are discontinuous with each other.
Remember, only 2 of these 7 days are not controlled by work.On a work day, your work schedule can split those remaining "free" hours in half, too.
How many hours, with all this remaining time left, is spent on errands?
How much on driving?
How much time is spent taking care of other things?
How much time is spent on things like school?
How much time is spent on work AFTER work?
How often is the time used to simply de-stress from everything?
How often are weekends all about "fun"?
How often do we mis-use some of this time on shit we know doesn't matter?
How many hours are consumed distracting ourselves?
How many hours are with others?
How much is spent getting ready and looking good?
When is the specific time for self to be really, totally focused on freeing self and getting to know self?
Everything is included in these schedules, the plans, the timeline, except for a dedicated focus on self.
A real sit down, with detailed attention on self.
Everything except for the honest facing of self has the spotlight in our world.
The only interest in one's self that enters the time commitments and deadlines is related to keeping self in the same cycle - maintaining the status quo - never realizing who self is in any detail.
This is where I see the scale of my opportunity - in all that time I don't really have and all those hours I do that I can use to support me for real. Any time I can commit to this opportunity to develop myself to the fullest has to be committed, because these time commitments as they exist right now do not in themselves have a designed interest in fulfilling my purpose. If there isn't time, I will make it. And any time that is currently "open" for me - must be filled with a stand for myself.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
No Rest Within: Day 5
In listening to one of the interviews I received through the portal, I had a point brought up for me I would like to write on and apply a bit of self forgiveness on.
It was how I have lived a sort of questing for myself within 'who am I supposed to be? where am I supposed to be? what I am supposed to do?' - and how within those questions have lived my life out in extremes. I have created a restlessness in myself through this process where I feel bursting, uncomfortably, with this inner energy that I cannot seem to cope with or deal with except to - as I see it - explode into behaviors and actions that are quite unnecessary. In living this way I have compromised my health in many aspects. I cannot honestly enjoy my life or many things fully for the fact I am often feeling like I am not where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, or being who I am supposed to be. Calming myself down internally becomes a task because I feel lost in the restlessness of that energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in a restless, energetic state of mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep pushing myself mentally and physically to do all sorts of things to expel or release this energy within me that keeps me ticking inside.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to explode into unnecessary behaviors and actions that compromise my physical, mental, and emotional health.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up and create this internal veil of energy as a restless state of mind because I do not yet know or see what it is I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to be, or where I am supposed to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach these questions from a feverish standpoint of 'I must know, I must have this sorted out, I must be doing something better than this.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself as my mind to 'cope' with this extreme energetic state inside me by exploding violently as a reaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'lost' in life meanwhile everything is always here within me for me to figure out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe this energy and restlessness inside me actually is me, following it to the extremes and obeying it in an enraged, enthralled obsession with figuring it all out for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and neglect myself as my breath - which always help with bringing me down here, stabilizing me and calming me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself within this energy and wreak havoc on my mind and body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and obsessed within my mind, seeking some answer in this painful state of mind that drives me mad.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Returning to Self-Forgiveness and Desteni: Day 4
Recapping these past two weeks:
It has been a challenge to write at all with everything going on and I enjoy writing because it is how I "keep tabs" on my self.. so not only was it challenging but I feel like I went through this stretch of time without a working leg. I practically rely on writing for an aspect of my self to be present in life. Without writing, I just know I am missing some opportunities within myself to cover some amazing ground.. and I am not okay with that.
Onto the point of my topic:
I started walking the Desteni I Process Lite shortly before I started this Journey to Life blog and I am coming up on two points in general that I have major resistances to... which are Self-Fogiveness and really, actually joining Desteni with more investment and commitment. I am on the portion of the DIP Lite that is finally addressing Self-Forgiveness. I have been awaiting this point, as it fucks with me more than looking at particular definitions of Self-Honesty. It isn't exactly Self-Forgiveness as a whole that I find difficulty within, but the specific understandings of it that I can not yet see for myself except through applying it and coming to know it as my self. When I have applied myself previously within Self-Forgiveness.. the hardest point was VOICING IT.. LOUDLY... and worst of all - near someone else that might be hear me or be aware of me doing it. I become self conscious and worried someone might be interested in what i'm doing or think of it as weird. I don't even necessarily know how to tell them what i'm doing because i'm basically just learning to do it myself! I do not explain things to people when I am unfamiliar and insecure in what I see or know. So, I find myself wanting to really make sure I understand what the fuck i'm doing, because I know I WILL REACT TO BEING CHALLENGED. I would rather not address it until I am secure and confident in what I am applying to be able to better share it with others - but how else am I supposed to practice self forgiveness out loud or without fear if I don't do it in the presence of anyone? So - big point! Lots of fear. I am eager to see what I can learn this time around in applying self forgiveness within writing, I just simply refuse to apply it in spoken word unless I am completely alone because whispering it and hiding it is pathetic to me. My goal is to be able to do it and be like "fuck you I don't care if this is weird" to anyone who may be around me. When my first day on Self-Forgiveness starts on the DIP Lite course.. I will also begin to apply Self-Forgiveness statements here on the Journey to Life blog.
The other point of returning to and actually joining Desteni comes up within this time where I find myself facing Self-Forgiveness.. because a forum on gmail was opened up for anyone who has had resistances to Desteni. I have taken the time to address all the shit inside me there and will continue to do so until I have outed everything in me that I accepted and allowed to prevent my active participation within Desteni. If this is the first you are aware of such group, see Gian for details.
I am grateful for this particular forum because it is the opportunity to get out all of my crazy, fearful bullshit that I have accepted and allowed to create so much misery and dissonance in me - unnecessarily holding back my process.
What other group does what Desteni does?
If you actually search, you will see that there is quite possibly no other place on this earth like it.
It has been a challenge to write at all with everything going on and I enjoy writing because it is how I "keep tabs" on my self.. so not only was it challenging but I feel like I went through this stretch of time without a working leg. I practically rely on writing for an aspect of my self to be present in life. Without writing, I just know I am missing some opportunities within myself to cover some amazing ground.. and I am not okay with that.
Onto the point of my topic:
I started walking the Desteni I Process Lite shortly before I started this Journey to Life blog and I am coming up on two points in general that I have major resistances to... which are Self-Fogiveness and really, actually joining Desteni with more investment and commitment. I am on the portion of the DIP Lite that is finally addressing Self-Forgiveness. I have been awaiting this point, as it fucks with me more than looking at particular definitions of Self-Honesty. It isn't exactly Self-Forgiveness as a whole that I find difficulty within, but the specific understandings of it that I can not yet see for myself except through applying it and coming to know it as my self. When I have applied myself previously within Self-Forgiveness.. the hardest point was VOICING IT.. LOUDLY... and worst of all - near someone else that might be hear me or be aware of me doing it. I become self conscious and worried someone might be interested in what i'm doing or think of it as weird. I don't even necessarily know how to tell them what i'm doing because i'm basically just learning to do it myself! I do not explain things to people when I am unfamiliar and insecure in what I see or know. So, I find myself wanting to really make sure I understand what the fuck i'm doing, because I know I WILL REACT TO BEING CHALLENGED. I would rather not address it until I am secure and confident in what I am applying to be able to better share it with others - but how else am I supposed to practice self forgiveness out loud or without fear if I don't do it in the presence of anyone? So - big point! Lots of fear. I am eager to see what I can learn this time around in applying self forgiveness within writing, I just simply refuse to apply it in spoken word unless I am completely alone because whispering it and hiding it is pathetic to me. My goal is to be able to do it and be like "fuck you I don't care if this is weird" to anyone who may be around me. When my first day on Self-Forgiveness starts on the DIP Lite course.. I will also begin to apply Self-Forgiveness statements here on the Journey to Life blog.
The other point of returning to and actually joining Desteni comes up within this time where I find myself facing Self-Forgiveness.. because a forum on gmail was opened up for anyone who has had resistances to Desteni. I have taken the time to address all the shit inside me there and will continue to do so until I have outed everything in me that I accepted and allowed to prevent my active participation within Desteni. If this is the first you are aware of such group, see Gian for details.
I am grateful for this particular forum because it is the opportunity to get out all of my crazy, fearful bullshit that I have accepted and allowed to create so much misery and dissonance in me - unnecessarily holding back my process.
What other group does what Desteni does?
If you actually search, you will see that there is quite possibly no other place on this earth like it.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Discovering Destiny through Desteni: Day 3
NOTE: I have prioritized other writing over this, so no commitment to daily writing here until i'm practically at that point within what else I am busy with.
...."My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief,
where will this coward go now that he can see?"
I, the coward, went everywhere. I would call myself "open-minded" at the time, but it was a different open-mindedness. Nothing in me was okay and relief was seemingly nowhere within me as I existed at that time, so I was open to anything that might help me understand my mind and what it was showing me. I wanted to find the sanity and stability within me instead of the fears that sent me flying into space every day. I wanted to understand what I was experiencing and what was reality, because neither made any sense to me and all my hard, honest inquiry into what was going on seemed to collapse the illusions of the apparent knowledge in me and this world.. I would then be faced with the reality of how I actually know nothing at all and in that same space is purely me as fear. I know nothing but the fear, so who is speaking without fear? It seemed even my ability to reason was like an intelligent fear making beliefs out of itself - the better I could convince my self, the less I believed I was afraid and that I did not know anything.
I would like to address a definition and understanding of the word Destiny now for a simple point.
Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future
So, it is FEAR. Fear is the "hidden power" controlling what will happen to me in the future. Anything "hidden" or in "hiding" is fear and fear is what cowardice is all about. Fear is a coward's limitation with which the coward will not push beyond and even fight for. When my cowardice was exposed, I was mentally stripped and all images of my self in a "positive" light had been obliterated. I took off in search of relief. The future for this "new me" was revealed as uncertainty, now only a question remained of "me". All I had was a questioning of myself to become familiar with. In the world, people say question everything but then how often are our questions about ourselves? Well, I sort of became a question at this point. And In living life like a question, I found myself experimenting and practicing many things that present themselves in the world..
Lots of looking at questions, "what happens if I?" and "what's this?" and "what if?" and "how do I?" ..
So, one week in particular.. I was into "astral projecting", and I was on youtube when I found a video about astral projecting that blew my damn mind. The video had a small number of views and everything about it, top to bottom, was different than everything I had researched online. I am investigative enough about my interests that I push for a sufficient amount of information and perspectives... Yet this short haired girl that seemed to be passed out in the beginning of the video was suddenly talking so precisely about astral projecting and asserting things I can't imagine knowing or how someone else might know. And I thought I had found the best information I could find on the internet about before this video! The perspective given in the video completely debunked and reoriented my interest with some common sense and weird bits of something I didn't quite understand. I remember sitting back feeling like I didn't know what I had just watched, really.
Well, what I had stumbled upon is called the "The Interdimensional Portal" and that girl I saw in the video was Susan/Sunette. The video had me so intrigued by the uniqueness that I followed the channel to more videos and consequently found Desteni.org ..
What I consider my greatest finding and "secret"! Haha
So, what the hell is Desteni?! I will have to link to their FAQ and want to quote one line from their wiki page to give a definition, because it is too much for me to explain and I am only here for what I am going to share about MY SELF and how this discovery in my life relates to what I see as my destiny.
HERE:
http://desteni.org/DesteniFAQ.pdf
And this is from the wiki: "a social network focused on bringing practical change to the world through its members becoming effective, considerate and responsible human beings. Members focus on investigating the world we live in, how it functions and operates. What it is that drives human beings each day. What are the motivations, reasons and starting points for how we exist within this world. Through this research practical solutions are created, shared and applied by anyone who is interested."
The Destiny of myself as a Coward is to face myself and change to become a responsible human being that cares for my own life as well as the rest of life - because a coward does not do battle for life, and runs in the face of duty - a coward ultimately faces themselves at death or in battle for life again. Because I am always with myself, how can I ever really escape? And this is the greater destiny within myself as a Coward, because as long as I allow Fear to be in control of my Destiny, I will always be a Coward. The world is full of Cowards before Life, because the Challenges of Life are much greater than the Challenges of Fear - to overcome Fear for a better Life for myself and for everyone else = that is a Destiny I would like to see for my self and everyone else.
What is to be discovered within Desteni was easily enough to challenge me to begin my process to change my SELF and my Destiny. To start planning for the inevitable future we all face - one that is currently completely controlled by fear.
Adding another definition to Destiny to look at before signing off of this blog post:
Destiny: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.
All of us have a similar Destiny on this planet as we are all one... we all have points we must face in the future.. and things we must go through to become.. so what is that future and who are we to become? Without any direction from ourselves, we will continue going the way we are going - and that is clearly an undesirable and scary thing. Everything we are is just fear-based, so if all of us as humanity is in fear - our Destiny is as Cowards and this Life on Earth will END for us because Cowards do not serve/preserve Life.. They do not stand up and do battle for Life.
What if there is something else possible, though?
What if we took on our challenge of living in fear and became brave enough to save this one life for all and be champions in its favor?
These are the types of questions I am looking to answer for my self.
This is all I want to come out with for now on me living as a coward in relationship to destiny and Desteni.
...."My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief,
where will this coward go now that he can see?"
I, the coward, went everywhere. I would call myself "open-minded" at the time, but it was a different open-mindedness. Nothing in me was okay and relief was seemingly nowhere within me as I existed at that time, so I was open to anything that might help me understand my mind and what it was showing me. I wanted to find the sanity and stability within me instead of the fears that sent me flying into space every day. I wanted to understand what I was experiencing and what was reality, because neither made any sense to me and all my hard, honest inquiry into what was going on seemed to collapse the illusions of the apparent knowledge in me and this world.. I would then be faced with the reality of how I actually know nothing at all and in that same space is purely me as fear. I know nothing but the fear, so who is speaking without fear? It seemed even my ability to reason was like an intelligent fear making beliefs out of itself - the better I could convince my self, the less I believed I was afraid and that I did not know anything.
I would like to address a definition and understanding of the word Destiny now for a simple point.
Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future
So, it is FEAR. Fear is the "hidden power" controlling what will happen to me in the future. Anything "hidden" or in "hiding" is fear and fear is what cowardice is all about. Fear is a coward's limitation with which the coward will not push beyond and even fight for. When my cowardice was exposed, I was mentally stripped and all images of my self in a "positive" light had been obliterated. I took off in search of relief. The future for this "new me" was revealed as uncertainty, now only a question remained of "me". All I had was a questioning of myself to become familiar with. In the world, people say question everything but then how often are our questions about ourselves? Well, I sort of became a question at this point. And In living life like a question, I found myself experimenting and practicing many things that present themselves in the world..
Lots of looking at questions, "what happens if I?" and "what's this?" and "what if?" and "how do I?" ..
So, one week in particular.. I was into "astral projecting", and I was on youtube when I found a video about astral projecting that blew my damn mind. The video had a small number of views and everything about it, top to bottom, was different than everything I had researched online. I am investigative enough about my interests that I push for a sufficient amount of information and perspectives... Yet this short haired girl that seemed to be passed out in the beginning of the video was suddenly talking so precisely about astral projecting and asserting things I can't imagine knowing or how someone else might know. And I thought I had found the best information I could find on the internet about before this video! The perspective given in the video completely debunked and reoriented my interest with some common sense and weird bits of something I didn't quite understand. I remember sitting back feeling like I didn't know what I had just watched, really.
Well, what I had stumbled upon is called the "The Interdimensional Portal" and that girl I saw in the video was Susan/Sunette. The video had me so intrigued by the uniqueness that I followed the channel to more videos and consequently found Desteni.org ..
What I consider my greatest finding and "secret"! Haha
So, what the hell is Desteni?! I will have to link to their FAQ and want to quote one line from their wiki page to give a definition, because it is too much for me to explain and I am only here for what I am going to share about MY SELF and how this discovery in my life relates to what I see as my destiny.
HERE:
http://desteni.org/DesteniFAQ.pdf
And this is from the wiki: "a social network focused on bringing practical change to the world through its members becoming effective, considerate and responsible human beings. Members focus on investigating the world we live in, how it functions and operates. What it is that drives human beings each day. What are the motivations, reasons and starting points for how we exist within this world. Through this research practical solutions are created, shared and applied by anyone who is interested."
The Destiny of myself as a Coward is to face myself and change to become a responsible human being that cares for my own life as well as the rest of life - because a coward does not do battle for life, and runs in the face of duty - a coward ultimately faces themselves at death or in battle for life again. Because I am always with myself, how can I ever really escape? And this is the greater destiny within myself as a Coward, because as long as I allow Fear to be in control of my Destiny, I will always be a Coward. The world is full of Cowards before Life, because the Challenges of Life are much greater than the Challenges of Fear - to overcome Fear for a better Life for myself and for everyone else = that is a Destiny I would like to see for my self and everyone else.
What is to be discovered within Desteni was easily enough to challenge me to begin my process to change my SELF and my Destiny. To start planning for the inevitable future we all face - one that is currently completely controlled by fear.
Adding another definition to Destiny to look at before signing off of this blog post:
Destiny: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.
All of us have a similar Destiny on this planet as we are all one... we all have points we must face in the future.. and things we must go through to become.. so what is that future and who are we to become? Without any direction from ourselves, we will continue going the way we are going - and that is clearly an undesirable and scary thing. Everything we are is just fear-based, so if all of us as humanity is in fear - our Destiny is as Cowards and this Life on Earth will END for us because Cowards do not serve/preserve Life.. They do not stand up and do battle for Life.
What if there is something else possible, though?
What if we took on our challenge of living in fear and became brave enough to save this one life for all and be champions in its favor?
These are the types of questions I am looking to answer for my self.
This is all I want to come out with for now on me living as a coward in relationship to destiny and Desteni.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
The Coward is Exposed by a Bad Trip: Day 2
I gave two dictionary definitions last time,
now I will share in my own words and a handful of quotes.
Then I will continue on with some stories of how cowardice has been understood and lived in my life.
Read what you want to and skip ahead at any time,
because I like to write as if every reader was just like me.
Let's begin.
Cowardice:
Cowardice is protection for fear. Cowardice is not seeing me for my fears and calling my self out into the open to challenge them. Cowardice is where fear finds a silent hiding place. A coward struggles to avoid death and finds the longest way to death. When the coward meets death, nothing was risked because all risk was avoided - the life of a coward ends with nothing gained, save for their regrets from risking nothing at all to live comfortably within their fear. A coward's home is fear itself, where life is about comfort and convenience. Cowardice is the most sound reasoning in a world made of fear. Cowardice does not appear, because it disappears when it is lived = cowardice is when one will not face one's self. Especially in moments of life or death where something is to be risked and much can be lost. Cowardice keeps things the way they are and if nothing else, seeks to keep self the way self is. Cowardice is a response to some perceived threat of self, a response that weakens the being yet the being is often believing that it somehow preserves them. Cowardice is the status quo for the system to maintain itself. Without cowardice, all of humanity could bear the forgiveness neccessary to end all suffering. Without cowardice, we could face each other without weapons and threatening negotiations. Without cowardice, we could act in spite of our fears and bring about solutions on earth. Cowardice is an embracing of fear that believes everything it says and pulls the strings on paranoia.
The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty.
George S. Patton
now I will share in my own words and a handful of quotes.
Then I will continue on with some stories of how cowardice has been understood and lived in my life.
Read what you want to and skip ahead at any time,
because I like to write as if every reader was just like me.
Let's begin.
Cowardice:
Cowardice is protection for fear. Cowardice is not seeing me for my fears and calling my self out into the open to challenge them. Cowardice is where fear finds a silent hiding place. A coward struggles to avoid death and finds the longest way to death. When the coward meets death, nothing was risked because all risk was avoided - the life of a coward ends with nothing gained, save for their regrets from risking nothing at all to live comfortably within their fear. A coward's home is fear itself, where life is about comfort and convenience. Cowardice is the most sound reasoning in a world made of fear. Cowardice does not appear, because it disappears when it is lived = cowardice is when one will not face one's self. Especially in moments of life or death where something is to be risked and much can be lost. Cowardice keeps things the way they are and if nothing else, seeks to keep self the way self is. Cowardice is a response to some perceived threat of self, a response that weakens the being yet the being is often believing that it somehow preserves them. Cowardice is the status quo for the system to maintain itself. Without cowardice, all of humanity could bear the forgiveness neccessary to end all suffering. Without cowardice, we could face each other without weapons and threatening negotiations. Without cowardice, we could act in spite of our fears and bring about solutions on earth. Cowardice is an embracing of fear that believes everything it says and pulls the strings on paranoia.
The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty.
George S. Patton
Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare
Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for—YOU.
Shannon L. Alder
There is but one coward on earth, and that is the coward that dare not know.
There is but one coward on earth, and that is the coward that dare not know.
W.E.B. Du Bois
A coward is someone who goes for convenience rather than convictions.
Unknown
__
"where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.."
Yes, let's see.. I was left with something much more than a memory of what I went through. I felt something in "me" was permanently gone that had been "me", critical to "me", for so long.
I was looking for something to face within myself and found a form of death in me. I dare say I realized how dead I already was, and thus all my feelings, ideas, beliefs of the "life" I knew vanished.
I found an ever present fear in me that was always accessible and that fear killed "me", or at least the "me" that was somehow able to live ignorantly unaware of the fear. How much fear is to be uncovered in all of us? How much fear is to be realized? What of this world isn't out of fear?
I didn't realize this stuff in these practical terms at the time. My understanding looked like what happens when you uncover a volcanoe of fear deep within while extremely high on psychedelics.
I freaked the fuck out, this fear I saw in me is everywhere.
Our biology is practically designed out of the fear of death - it is at the heart of this "life"!
My gift from psychedelics was not the "love" and "light" everyone else seemed to find.
My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief,
where will this coward go now that he can see?
I want to be clear that it wasn't like I was never a coward before.
It is that all cowardice hides in the mind, and without a "safe" mind to hide in, all cowardice becomes exposed.
I had nowhere to hide anymore.
The last place on earth I could go for "refuge" from this reality had become the scariest place on earth.
The mind is where every coward goes, and from where every coward is exposed.
Next post will touch on Desteni and Destiny..
Unknown
__
"where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.."
Yes, let's see.. I was left with something much more than a memory of what I went through. I felt something in "me" was permanently gone that had been "me", critical to "me", for so long.
I was looking for something to face within myself and found a form of death in me. I dare say I realized how dead I already was, and thus all my feelings, ideas, beliefs of the "life" I knew vanished.
I found an ever present fear in me that was always accessible and that fear killed "me", or at least the "me" that was somehow able to live ignorantly unaware of the fear. How much fear is to be uncovered in all of us? How much fear is to be realized? What of this world isn't out of fear?
I didn't realize this stuff in these practical terms at the time. My understanding looked like what happens when you uncover a volcanoe of fear deep within while extremely high on psychedelics.
I freaked the fuck out, this fear I saw in me is everywhere.
Our biology is practically designed out of the fear of death - it is at the heart of this "life"!
My gift from psychedelics was not the "love" and "light" everyone else seemed to find.
My gift was THE FEAR and ALL THE INSANITY within me - that is within us.
And so I ran from myself for all sorts of relief,
where will this coward go now that he can see?
I want to be clear that it wasn't like I was never a coward before.
It is that all cowardice hides in the mind, and without a "safe" mind to hide in, all cowardice becomes exposed.
I had nowhere to hide anymore.
The last place on earth I could go for "refuge" from this reality had become the scariest place on earth.
The mind is where every coward goes, and from where every coward is exposed.
Next post will touch on Desteni and Destiny..
Sunday, August 28, 2016
A Coward in the Face of Destiny: Day 1
I originally had this first post titled Cowardice and My History with Desteni...
but this title fits what I have began to see more.
I also had a completely different idea of how I would make my first post...
but then things changed.
I think it has been over 2 weeks or so since I committed to writing this. And I put more time into writing about this writing than I have actually writing this! I realized what I have that I can share.. is too much for one sitting. And I don't even know how to really put it together except to start putting it together! I fully expect some emotions in this first post and aim to keep things somewhat tight on the topics. Forgive me otherwise.
One thing is certain to me in how I have come about writing this:
I have a point to make and it is for me to make it to the T (over time).
Let's begin.
I will give two definitions for us to share a simple reference:
----
Coward/Cowardice:1.
but this title fits what I have began to see more.
I also had a completely different idea of how I would make my first post...
but then things changed.
I think it has been over 2 weeks or so since I committed to writing this. And I put more time into writing about this writing than I have actually writing this! I realized what I have that I can share.. is too much for one sitting. And I don't even know how to really put it together except to start putting it together! I fully expect some emotions in this first post and aim to keep things somewhat tight on the topics. Forgive me otherwise.
One thing is certain to me in how I have come about writing this:
I have a point to make and it is for me to make it to the T (over time).
Let's begin.
I will give two definitions for us to share a simple reference:
----
Coward/Cowardice:1.
lack of courage to face danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.
2.
a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
----
Destiny
1.
2.
a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
----
Destiny
1.
something that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.
2.
the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.
3.
the power or agency that determines the course of events
------
In my eyes, I have been a huge coward in ways difficult for me to forgive. Because it has to do with my own destiny and the development of my self in relationship to the living of this word, 'Destiny' - and "Desteni" which challenged cores of my existence I didn't know existed - or that needed help. This is something I have not taken direct responsibility for and instead have lived out in secrecy, coveting the courage to be more visible and to exercise my own voice in life. At some point in this life, I introverted all my expressions that were of value because of the preferred easy way as a coward where I did not have to face myself before everyone and show what I have discovered within me that would certainly challenge anyone. That which I have discovered for the most part has to do with "Desteni"... and "Destiny". What I have found within Desteni is substantially effective in ways I could write about for many hours. And a great deal of what others have come to know about me and the values I hold as a being/body/mind are the result of applying material, direction, and suggestive guidance I originally sourced from Desteni. Stuff that over time has proved itself to me.
So - let's make this distinction clear before I continue sharing; I am responsible for my life, my results, who I am, what I do, and where I am - nothing and no one can have that responsibility. What I am saying about Desteni in my life is that the ingredients are sharp, quality, do-it-and-you-will-see proof-effective stuff. The proof is in the pudding.. A good cook is a good cook, but to have a source of the best quality is not easy and gives that good cook much better results. In all my foraging for quality support in this world, Desteni is one of my best findings. Ever. It is synonymous with the self I have looked to create for what seems to be beyond this one lifetime I am in. Desteni helped reveal me to my self within a given perspective that I now cannot fathom living without. What I have shown many people since then, in my own name and words, are things that I found there. Desteni is one of my best "secrets", lol. Cowardice is the reason I never revealed what I value and practice. Cowardice is the reason I never showed my support. I have obscured my resources because the truth of my life is extremely shocking to me. I know the weight of this cross well, and it is heavy.
Now why the cowardice?
This is the real fucker and the one that I want to dive into multiple examples of within multiple posts.
What I will share here now is the type of fear I was living in and "on my way out of" when I, yet again, fell as a coward in the face of my destiny
----
I was already somewhat of a coward before I had realized anything about the "something more" that I felt in me. An awkward coward finding his way back through ruins of self sabotage and alienation to simple dignities, functioning, and abilities. Because in the year or two before my introduction to Desteni, I had walked into a deep mindfuck and was freshly returning to some sense of sanity and reality. The story begins something like; I had never been so scared in my damned life until I fucked myself on psilocybin mushrooms. A trip in which I was terrorized within my mind for 12 hours with violent visual and auditory hallucinations that resulted in what I consider a death of whoever I was before. The year that followed was me devolving into drug induced psychosis that, once symptoms became severely noticeable, was diagnosed as "Schizophreniform NOS" and from there my slow walk back to reality began - which is where my eventual serendipitous and scary discovery of Desteni was.
(I am skipping many details to be concise and readable, the experiences and points contained within this brief look at the development of my cowardice will be opened up later within more specific explorations.)
As I was so practically described by my doctor at the time, "a high functioning paranoid schizophrenic", it is easy to see that life was difficult for me. I was on my way to living in some prescribed limbo of society and had become, to many people, that person that never came back from the drug trip. The shift in the way my entire world began to treat me and move around me after that day was more fascinating and eerie than the trip that set it all in motion. It was during this shift in my life that my mind began to collapse in on me and I began to live within the horrific darkness of my own mind gone completely mad. I began to have experiences I never had before like retarding social anxieties, panic attacks, splintered thinking fighting against itself, voices in my head that weren't "mine", complete detachment from my self, wild beliefs such as "I am still in that mushroom trip trying to wake up", and many more screwed up shit. Auditory and visual hallucinations became fairly frequent while sober and I was soon living in a freak hell where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.
To be continued..
------
In my eyes, I have been a huge coward in ways difficult for me to forgive. Because it has to do with my own destiny and the development of my self in relationship to the living of this word, 'Destiny' - and "Desteni" which challenged cores of my existence I didn't know existed - or that needed help. This is something I have not taken direct responsibility for and instead have lived out in secrecy, coveting the courage to be more visible and to exercise my own voice in life. At some point in this life, I introverted all my expressions that were of value because of the preferred easy way as a coward where I did not have to face myself before everyone and show what I have discovered within me that would certainly challenge anyone. That which I have discovered for the most part has to do with "Desteni"... and "Destiny". What I have found within Desteni is substantially effective in ways I could write about for many hours. And a great deal of what others have come to know about me and the values I hold as a being/body/mind are the result of applying material, direction, and suggestive guidance I originally sourced from Desteni. Stuff that over time has proved itself to me.
So - let's make this distinction clear before I continue sharing; I am responsible for my life, my results, who I am, what I do, and where I am - nothing and no one can have that responsibility. What I am saying about Desteni in my life is that the ingredients are sharp, quality, do-it-and-you-will-see proof-effective stuff. The proof is in the pudding.. A good cook is a good cook, but to have a source of the best quality is not easy and gives that good cook much better results. In all my foraging for quality support in this world, Desteni is one of my best findings. Ever. It is synonymous with the self I have looked to create for what seems to be beyond this one lifetime I am in. Desteni helped reveal me to my self within a given perspective that I now cannot fathom living without. What I have shown many people since then, in my own name and words, are things that I found there. Desteni is one of my best "secrets", lol. Cowardice is the reason I never revealed what I value and practice. Cowardice is the reason I never showed my support. I have obscured my resources because the truth of my life is extremely shocking to me. I know the weight of this cross well, and it is heavy.
Now why the cowardice?
This is the real fucker and the one that I want to dive into multiple examples of within multiple posts.
What I will share here now is the type of fear I was living in and "on my way out of" when I, yet again, fell as a coward in the face of my destiny
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I was already somewhat of a coward before I had realized anything about the "something more" that I felt in me. An awkward coward finding his way back through ruins of self sabotage and alienation to simple dignities, functioning, and abilities. Because in the year or two before my introduction to Desteni, I had walked into a deep mindfuck and was freshly returning to some sense of sanity and reality. The story begins something like; I had never been so scared in my damned life until I fucked myself on psilocybin mushrooms. A trip in which I was terrorized within my mind for 12 hours with violent visual and auditory hallucinations that resulted in what I consider a death of whoever I was before. The year that followed was me devolving into drug induced psychosis that, once symptoms became severely noticeable, was diagnosed as "Schizophreniform NOS" and from there my slow walk back to reality began - which is where my eventual serendipitous and scary discovery of Desteni was.
(I am skipping many details to be concise and readable, the experiences and points contained within this brief look at the development of my cowardice will be opened up later within more specific explorations.)
As I was so practically described by my doctor at the time, "a high functioning paranoid schizophrenic", it is easy to see that life was difficult for me. I was on my way to living in some prescribed limbo of society and had become, to many people, that person that never came back from the drug trip. The shift in the way my entire world began to treat me and move around me after that day was more fascinating and eerie than the trip that set it all in motion. It was during this shift in my life that my mind began to collapse in on me and I began to live within the horrific darkness of my own mind gone completely mad. I began to have experiences I never had before like retarding social anxieties, panic attacks, splintered thinking fighting against itself, voices in my head that weren't "mine", complete detachment from my self, wild beliefs such as "I am still in that mushroom trip trying to wake up", and many more screwed up shit. Auditory and visual hallucinations became fairly frequent while sober and I was soon living in a freak hell where everything, including me, was trying to kill me.
To be continued..
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