An issue i've had with this whole thing from day one, years ago, is not putting my finger on certain vocabulary terms and "translating" it for myself..
This is NOT a unique issue anywhere in life, this is what we should do with everything we learn.
This IS a unique issue because some "simple" terms/words in my life are now world-altering within the context which I am able to explore them at Desteni.
That can be frustrating because i've been used to this one way of using something (words) for almost all my life and now it is like "oh.. we've completely missed something about the thing which built this entire world.. words."
It's actually quite massive, to realize even a glimpse of the way life is lived in words, and to see that there is definitely another way than what we've come to accept and know. The words and relationship to words must be transformed if I am to be anything more than what i've come to accept and believe that I "know".
Okay, onto some words about the word "PROCESS" to help me transition/transmute my self into greater understanding.
What is this "PROCESS" i'm seeing and learning about?
Process, in the context i'm understanding it, is a "big picture" thing.
Everyone is busy in their "process" all the time, with or without a name for it.. everyone has been living in process. Process is necessary.. there really isn't a choice in it, there is something fundamentally equal about process.. it is a fact of how we live and operate. Within the structure I have been applying myself at DIP Lite, the focus is on this process.. the structure is based on successfully understanding and walking this process. I have never seen anybody or been to any other place besides Destiny that has ever put this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" into words that fit so snug as the naming of the experience and principles of this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" (Walking our Process). In my short existence on earth, all the people and material i've discovered in life reveals to me that this process may have been something that has only been understood in parts throughout time and to what detail any of those parts were specified or known to be connected to each other.. I am not sure. Or maybe this is new?
The most obvious way I can show what I am seeing here is to reference the vocabulary being used and the steps in which these points are placed that makes SO MUCH SENSE. This PROCESS is the same for all no matter if you had the words for it or not.
HOWEVER! HAVING THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE IT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN IMAGINE.
I gave a cool contrast on this point already in this post DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9 - but I will give my understanding here again as I feel more reiterations help me develop my nuances and support my ability to walk confidently.
You have BREATHING, SELF-WRITING, SELF-QUESTIONING/INVESTIGATION, SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-REALIZATION, SELF-COMMITMENT, AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION AS ACTION.
This covers, without adding everything I can think of, the vocabulary of the process as I understand it at this moment. All these words, with or without knowing them and using them in your life, are points within a process that we all walk in this life. These words practically define, or begin to define, our successful fruition in life.. our successful becoming (or is it unbecoming?) in life. With these points one can support themselves effectively through anything.. We experience and live these words many times in life but do not realize how deliberately we can walk within this type of language. To command our lives with an understanding of who we are as these words gives a new way, a new possibility, a new opening in our existence where we don't stumble accidentally into success, into freedom, into blossoming, into transcendence.
We use phrases on ourselves and others like, "you need to let go of that." when we can suggest they make a statement of SELF FORGIVENESS TO LET IT GO/RELEASE THEMSELVES. That "letting go" phrase is a suggestion of SELF-FORGIVENESS. We have REALIZATIONS many times and how often do we take those into ACTION as our LIVING? If someone knew about SELF COMMITMENT and MAKING SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS to themselves, would that maybe fill the gap in their understanding of how to live their realizations?
SELF HONESTY is a fascinating word. Because when I learned it and began sharing it - do you know how few people i've actually met that seemed familiar with this word, not to mention using it? Same with SELF-DISHONESTY. And yet everyone has an experience of these words, a living of these words, and these words are critical to communicating with your self. They all work together in a way that supports the best in us - but without these words how is anyone supposed to know the way?
This could be a very long post so I will stop here for now and leave with this:
What if there is a way to live that doesn't involve struggling purely because you don't know enough or don't understand enough?
What if the reason it's been so difficult is because we didn't have the words to put to what we have been living?
What if the steps were known for anyone to fulfill themselves, if they apply themselves?
What if it wasn't just a bunch of guessing and there is a focus on that solution?
Walking this process for me, I am seeing myself more like an equation, where I am being shown how to "do the math" and in doing the math... I see how the answers are within me as this equation, and most importantly /how I can find those answers within "me"/ - I don't just "know there's something within me".. i'm able to show myself for real and find out.. with time. It is a process. :)
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Saturday, November 5, 2016
The ALMOST Boiling Point and Nothing is "Enough": Day 10
I always kinda see more to be done and better ways to do what i'm doing.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
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