Thursday, July 28, 2022

Cult-like Fear and Threats : Day 16

 Zoe and I went to Miami last weekend for TechnoTutor. It was amazing and we came home with a lot to share. We made videos on our Facebooks about our experiences and posted a lot from the event. I don't know about hers, but mine was long-winded and probably uninteresting. That's my judgment without watching it. I looked for what I could say to entice people into checking us out. Some of the attention Zoe got was definitely unwanted because one of the first people to comment wanted to throw the word CULT at us, even though they "meant well". The comment was deleted and Zoe reached out to them personally to clarify. She didn't deflect from using the word cult but rather embraced it and shared a definition of the word cult that does define us.

The person responded nicely and like they simply cared about Zoe's well being. then they came over to my page and harped on my video about cults and key words like "going to the next level" that is often used to bring people in. I deleted the comment and blocked them, then eventually messaged them after talking to Zoe. When they responded to me finally, it was like they didn't clearly read what I wrote because they responded to stuff I never said and then didn't respond to my offer to talk on the phone or meet in person. I was looking to walk them through their fear by meeting with me and getting to see for themselves who we are and what we do instead of whatever they've been through or read online. I didn't respond. Cut to a couple days later and I get messaged by this person's relative and they're threatening me with, "Be real careful how you speak to my ____. They have every right to warn and inform others.". I briefly got into it with them, told Zoe about my interaction, blocked them both and since then we have been walking through our fears and reactions to the whole situation by getting help from others in our community.

My first reaction in the timeline came when Zoe got the comment warning her about joining a cult.
"I'm not in a cult/It's not what they think it is"
"Why do people want to bash what we're doing?"
"Why is this still a thing?"
"Not again"

Feelings/Emotions of fear, anger, sadness, attacked, hostile, defensiveness came up

note: after Zoe "settled" things with the person the first time, I distinctly remember saying that people were not going to believe her and think I am brainwashing her then come and attack me as the bad guy.

Other reactions were when the person went over Zoe and commented on my video:
I was insulted they didn't believe Zoe and mad they had the audacity to come to my page and start seeding doubt/fear on my shit completely unwelcomed. To me it meant they didn't believe she was capable of thinking for herself and they needed to confront me.
I deleted the comment and blocked them. I wanted them to go through Zoe to talk to me originally as a "walk of shame" for insulting Zoe. I backed out of the idea because I thought it reinforced the person in their cult beliefs of us. I can see I was doing whatever I could to prove I wasn't a cult to this person with my behavior.

Feelings/Emotions of fear, aggression, and anxiety came up

The thought of fear about this person was they would spread rumor among close family and friends and start some shit.

I thought this person was being fake, pathetic, arrogant, and deceptive. They were hiding their true nasty backchat and wanting to control us and what we were participating in. They claimed to be "highly intelligent" yet have been in 4 cults. Lots of hippy and old-school drug culture stuff on their Facebook.

They kept saying how they were well-intentioned and coming from a good place of wanting nothing but the best for us, but if that is so then why would they intentionally push this point and gossip with someone else about it?

I will stop here and move to forgive this as myself, as everyone involved and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word cult to invoke irrational fear in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear family members and friends saying the word cult to us and to each other about what we are doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delete negative comments out of a reaction because I am afraid they will trigger and persuade others in my life to their viewpoint and prevent us from expanding and growing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed people's negatively charged words to hold me back from sharing, taking action, growing my business and community, and participating in my interests and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am, who is in my life, what we are doing, and why we are here because I am afraid of being called names that are negatively charged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these are opportunities to clear the charges of the words I have yet to clear and to understand the words that we use to bring up negative emotions in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being run out of town by an angry mob.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person spreading rumors about me and Zoe that we are in a dangerous cult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself because people have said i'm in a cult and to go into feeling misunderstood and demonized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize they are in fear and I do not have to participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing confrontation and dealing with it publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack people who I perceive as attacking me because they are using negatively charged words that they know bring up fear and evil thoughts about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a verbal altercation and even a physical altercation with someone confronting me with negatively charged words like cult, mlm, scam, or weird.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that some words like cult are by definition able to be used on anything you have a negative opinion about, because with the word cult for example you only need to regard something as sinister or strange and nothing else. Therefore, I am in a cult if they say I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I am in a cult if they say I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being what/who other people fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the bad guy in other people's opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see, and understand that a point like the word cult will keep coming up until I have personally transcended it and no longer react to it and am clear on what that word really means and how I live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing negatively charged words to understand them as myself and clarify them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing our friends and our following because of negatively charged words spreading as rumors, such as we are in a cult or we are cult leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act like a cult follower or a cult leader as a character / image in the mind as this sinister, secretive, strange, and evil thing.. trying to silence all opposition and enforce the brainwashing we have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that when I go into a reaction to the word cult I am acting out unconscious programming with characters that fit the fear of the person.. so everything I am doing confirms what the person is saying and in my attempt to defend myself or attack the person, I only further reinforce the idea we are in a cult as the negatively charged definition which has many weird images/ideas/feelings/behavior within it.

When and as I see/hear the word cult, because someone is confronting me with being in a cult and implying we are doing something dangerous/sinister/strange.. I stop and I breathe.

I realize this is a word people use to bring up negativity within me and anyone else who might read or hear it.

I realize they use this word without doing any investigation and have read articles online or gossiped in their mind or someone else.

I realize they aren't likely to be interested in what we are actually doing and they are in fear.

I realize that I am what they say I am and that I am in a cult if they say so because the definition of that word is defined as such that it's completely based on opinion.

I realize that what is a cult is just an opinion.

I realize that I do not have to entertain this and go into a reaction because there is nothing to do from a certain perspective, I have to embrace that this stuff happens.

I realize that I am not alone and I am not the first person on this earth to be called a cultist, a cult follower, or a cult leader.

I realize that people actually want to be in cults and that we are all already in cults.. we've been in a cult since we were born and that I have simply changed what cult I am part of, so they are fighting on behalf of their cult.

I realize that it doesn't matter and it doesn't stop anything and can't prevent me from succeeding or sharing.

I commit myself to breathe when I see the word cult in a comment directed towards me or TechnoTutor or Desteni.

I commit myself to embrace the word cult and to have fun with it in my conversations and in my behavior.

I commit myself to like someone's comment if they say we are in a cult or want to bring up the point.

I commit myself to fully understanding and transcending the word cult.

I commit myself to walking through all my fears around being in a cult or having someone throw this word cult at me.

I commit myself to getting support from within my community and within my relationship by having conversations about this point when and if it is needed.

I commit myself to support others to face this fear of the word cult because I see how i've accepted and allowed myself to get stuck here before.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of the word cult.

I commit myself to let go of the negative energy that comes up within me in relationship to the word cult.

I commit myself to showing that the word cult is just another word and it doesn't automatically imply negativity.

I commit myself to creating a culture of what is best for all and living by principles.

I commit myself to being proud of who I am and what I am part of as TechnoTutor and Desteni.

I commit myself to the cult of life which is the only real non-cult as it is the group that everyone is part of by default.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and for those who are part of this cult.

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

The System that Makes my Process Possible: Day 15

This is the expansion and self-forgiveness for day 14 on the system I must clarify, create, and implement to walk my process consistently and effectively:


Numbers is how we make this life count; with money, time, and all of space.. the numbers are how we organize and measure everything of ourselves. 
For everything that is named, it is also numbered, and is placed within a system.
The system that I inherited at birth, I did not specifically design every aspect of in this individual life as Jonathan. I accepted/allowed and became dependent on a system in separation from myself and the tools within it I have accepted and allowed to be reversed against me.. thus it became weaponry/enslavement instead of a way of living.
It is here that I will embrace the inversion and re-reverse it into/as myself/my life for support.
The time that has been organized for me I will now practice organizing for myself.
I am responsible for the numbers that measure and organize my life.
The events plotted across time is something I can take responsibility for designing - it does not have to be a design I walk into that someone else created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of myself on time and those who controlled my time for me in my abdication of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fight back against living on time, not realizing, seeing, or understanding that because I separated myself from time and the responsibility for this time on earth... I am powerless and will become irrelevant and ineffective in this time-based reality until I stop and take responsibility for time as myself, the time I have here as who I am.. to organize myself and my efforts.. to prioritize that which is most urgent as the emergency/emergent points coming up for myself and everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as my time here on earth to the best of my ability, to not hold back within sorting out the numbers that all of life- including mine- is reduced to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my life as the numbers of time, that is also equating money and space, as this is the "life on earth" as the "time unfolding" of my finite existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reducing and deducing my life to numbers because I wish/want/believe I am more than this, even though I have not accepted and allowed that to be true of others as the system reflects back to us - I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be ruled by/as numbers that are computed within machines - we are data points in statistics where we are understood in/as/through equations - and yes, we are organic robots.. and yes, reality as this physical responds to mathematics.. the numbers have effect, the numbers come out to a real difference, and the numbers when changed result in a change - not that numbers cannot be manipulated - but where the math is done correctly, the result is certainty/ascertained/measured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than life, less than me, and to believe/think/feel that to see this life within numbers is reducing life/myself/others to numbness/numbing as the word number says - we become number through the number, the numbers have been designed with a program of death/dead/coldness/lifelessness/lack of sensation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb myself with numbers,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than, as if they are lower life forms that are not as important, and as if they're this boring/tedious/mechanical process in life that we just need to understand run our world but treat them as if they're not part of the things they make possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scheduling my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear planning out my day, my calendar, my life, or an event because I will have to figure out times and places and actions which includes logistics/mathematics and putting my life into an equation and a timeline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be designed for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for designing my life and to blame others for my life not going the way I wanted it to, despite me not taking responsibility for the most basic parts of the design process as the numbers (time/money/space) that make everything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life is a mess because I did not realize that everything has a time and a place, that unless I space and pace it all according to priority and I act on the design of my plotting/planning it.. it will not suddenly, magically "sort itself out".. it will always be sorted out according to space/time in which I act accordingly to "figure it out" and "get my shit together" and "shape up" - all of those words indicating an organization of my efforts and what is within me and my reach.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that looking at how my life has currently become organized within/as the numbers of time, money, space, and the events/actions is how I begin organizing my life in detail. How it is right here is how it is organized, how it has all come together haphazardly, without my awareness, as I have unconsciously moved throughout this world without standing as the point of responsibility for those numbers completely...
Through looking at all of this, my organs are receiving the coordinates of my life that I can then use to improve my coordination with the rest of myself. It is like hand-eye coordination, where if I do not look at the coordinates, I cannot adjust my hands or my eyes to move things properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating a system for me to live my life effectively and to instead walk into the design placed for me, that I can further abdicate responsibility for myself/my life and others within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the accounting for my life in numbers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone else controlling me with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any time as "free time" as there is no such thing as "free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as rushing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as getting away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time is moving too fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be able to do everything I want to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am always running out of time and that I cannot finish what I started because my timing is always bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as the experience of bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as off time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation from time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am always running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot finish what I start because I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to do everything now and that whatever I am doing has to take up all my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose track of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck doing one thing all day or for huge portions of my day because I do not keep track of the time or stop to consider the time I am working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the time I have wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what time it is when all of a sudden I remember there is time and that I have to do things at set times, so I might be late for something or have wasted someone else's time or my time and now the day has missing appointments as a disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what time it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do not care what time it is and act/pretend as if I live without time or am effective without paying attention to time.

When and as I see myself experiencing a time issue within me, where what's going on in my life physically or mentally is a reaction to time.. where I am essentially lost, rushing, frustrated, and disappointed... I stop and I breathe. 

I realize I have many symptoms produced from my relationship with time and that one reason my life is in a mess comes down to time.

I realize that I have many time conflicts within my mind because I have rarely or inconsistently practiced scheduling my time... making my own plans.. and adjusting my plans when things do not go according to the plans I create.

I realize that because of my lack of time conscientiousness / planning, I tend to live by the seat of my pants and do things in the moment.. often times missing moments of opportunity despite living this way.. and that this is ineffective. It does not work with others or the system.
 
I realize that if I can put myself in order with regards to time, meaning that I plan my day accordingly with a schedule that I honor because I completely understand why it is the way it is... that I could accomplish many more things in a day and take more responsibility because I will be effectively directing things.

I commit myself to placing a time limit on my actions, giving deadlines to what I must accomplish, and in this/through this being specific with what I know to do. This means that instead of knowing only /what/ I have to do, I will have given myself a /when/ which is also a /where/ for /what/ I have to do. This makes it a preprogrammed event plotted in my timeline, so this makes it a more effective program because now it is scheduled / able to be placed into the plot.

I commit myself to focus on why I am creating my system and to be concise and clear about the why AND the system.

I commit myself to practice creating my day tonight, through making a schedule for tomorrow, and to make creating a schedule for the day(s) to follow part of the schedule each day... so that this is a daily practice to prepare myself for the following days/weeks/months/years ahead.

I commit myself to simplify my process and to remain in my body breathing when creating my plans to support myself with making something effective and straightforward.

I commit myself to clarify myself with questions when I get stuck thinking too hard about what i'm doing when i'm creating my plans for the day(s) as my schedule.

I commit myself to create the absolute best system for myself as my schedule and to understanding everything I need, want, and require to make good on this commitment.

I commit myself to placing everything in my day where it rightfully belongs, not just because I want it there but because I understand it would be best placed at this time / at this place in my day.

I commit myself to this point for 2 weeks to make sure this is done.

I commit myself to show my work in this process and to when i'm done, demonstrate to myself through sharing that what I have done is effective.. like with the memory point where it was clear that I understood something to the point of it having a direct effect when I applied it.

Thursday, June 30, 2022

Without a system = no effect: Day 14

 I have been scrambling to do my process late at night. After I get off work, home duties and plans we have made take priority. My mind is stacked against me when I get home. My problem, however, is not unique to this situation. I see it is time management as the creation of a system for me to live by, or the lack of this, that is causing my problem. This is a reoccurring issue. I have many important things to do in a day or a week. Things I would call priority, yet my actions don't reflect this evaluation. I don't get up in time. I don't go to bed in time. I feel swept away by external circumstances and i'm always trying to overcome the hand that is dealt for me. I really see the point about survival mode and self-interest overriding anything of substance with regards to time for my SELF, time for PROCESS, and time for BUILDING VOCABULARY.

With work and intimate relationships alone, building my self up and building anything other than what i've walked into as a servant is cornered into the little bit of "free" time I have. "Free time" that I just want to disappear in and escape from what I face every day. I remember a moment of clarity where I could see that I have this experience of not knowing when to do certain things that I confuse with /WHAT/ I should be doing. It has hung over my head for years where I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it is a pain that i've felt without identification since I can remember. I now understand that it is time management, because the cognitive dissonance I had with this confusion was that I know that I know enough. I have found the best resources in this lifetime and I have a knack for finding all my keys, all my answers, all my tools, all my specific points... It is only a matter of time for me with regards to that.. However, what wasn't coming through is the organization of all these points of application. Meaning, where in time do I place all these responsibilities.. all this knowledge.. all that i've been exposed to.

With everything I have that is to be tested, I have been so out of order that nothing would work. Time is the Key Here that I see to begin organizing myself, because space is organized through time and vice versa. I have the space and now I must pace it, meaning I must time it, and set that counting of it in order with events I preprogram as the events to follow. Just like the grid rolled up into a ball as a seed... to design the seed of my life, the plant I must plan, I must look at time and begin practicing a program for it. Time management has been one of my greatest weaknesses, indeed a complete absence in some regards, with me simply trusting the times I am given by my environment to follow.. only going with the flow of the system given to me. Never designing my own life. I will place this blog here as a starting point for working on this, because this blog will not be able to continue if I do not make it part of the plan. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Memories of Hardship in Walking Process: Day 13

 This is in the spirit of clearing my starting point further with all things related to process.
No support from anyone, only resistance and devil's advocates. A small handful of people, like a girlfriend and a cousin, that ride with me then fall away eventually. No one adopts the purpose or the principles truly for themselves. I struggle to be the example I want to see and to attract or surround myself with the people I want in my life. I don't connect with anyone in the group. I am a stranger and or alienated everywhere, perhaps totally by my own behavior and in my own mind. Process, purpose, and principles are lost in the back of my mind. I silently introspect and practice my limited understanding in thought, word, and deed. Debatably, it could be mostly if not all conceptual. If process is measured by how many people I get to walk their process, I don't measure up at all. If process is measured by whose lives I have impacted by my example to change something within themselves, I have made some progress.

If it is about the quality of life of those lives I have touched and where they are now as a result, then I am ashamed but I am also uncertain within that. I don't know how anyone would say I have changed or impacted their life. I can imagine more than a few that would say something nice, but if it was simply based on how I made them feel, that could very well mean nothing. They may not even know how to measure the impact of someone else on their life. How is that measurable? What do we measure? Is it how they see themselves and the world? Did I gift them a new understanding that serves them in their thinking, in their word, and in their actions? Did I help them bring tangible results to their life for the better? Did I support them to treat others the way they want to be treated effectively? I cannot see the current day results of my seeds. I can see the moments I was in their life and the communications and connection we had. I can see the engagement. I can see moments of self-expression. Did that change their circumstances? Did that change their ability to overcome the odds? 

There is the potential that this will all just be remembered in my name and not as who they are. That my efforts were in vain. Like who I am will be/become another memory and not a re-membering of who they are. The word vain is interesting to me in this. Empty. Useless. Producing no result. Having an excessive worth of myself when I am just another person on this planet. This isn't what I wanted for myself or for anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in depression brought up from the memories I have accumulated of all the relationships I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of potential that came with the relationships I created in my life that went with the relationship once things ended with the other beings in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the sadness and depression that I experience when looking at my life in memories of all the friends, family, partners, animals, internet friends, and potential-friends that I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot and will not have any friends as long as I walk process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always lose relationships in my life because of what I am part of, participating in, and pushing in this world as the Desteni principles, process, tools, message, and community.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing this all alone, walking process by myself without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot make friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life in vain, having no effect on anything or anyone.. being completely useless and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an alien.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to estrange myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an outcast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how many people follow me and listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my lack of results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my ineffectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not participating in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not joining me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not joining and participating in Desteni, TechnoTutor, and anything related to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join because of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire credit for changing someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to save someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a savior, a messiah, or some hero.

(Random side note insight: Bernard was always looking at your starting point and speaking to that, so there are many actions we could take that would be of benefit to ourselves or others - things we can do externally, to manifest with action, to create the change physically that we want to see that is best... but he was always looking at the starting point of the action or the thought because the starting point determines everything... so even if the act was practical, good, and something worth considering.. the starting point corruption would taint the result.. the end result would reveal the original intent.. so he was always revealing, challenging, and pointing to the starting point where we have fucked up everything. Change your starting point - change everything... thus this post and my initial ones will be what I always come back to.. because growth is self-reflexive, just like fibonacci sequence shows.. you reference what was before and add it up to/as/with what is here... self-forgiveness in reflection of the starting point clears the way for this growth.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have had no impact on anyone's life, or an impact that is worth noticing/recognizing/measuring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my mind has created a complex narrative that I participate in and helped create - I created it as my mind/body/being - and because of my participation in this creation, I have given it credence.. I have given it value.. I gave it the starting points.. I gave the initial validation to the axioms/assumptions/premises for it and so I buy into it more and more as I build on top of the beliefs that started it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible case/scenario in my mind happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being against the whole world and the whole world against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear devil's advocates, someone taking the opposite side of everything I share/express/state/assert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ganged up on, verbally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand and being attacked for it, no one standing up with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand on my own for a long time and enduring lots of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear setting a bad example for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not an example and that I am unworthy of standing up to set an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cowardly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my popularity with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my worth by my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by who I am in relationship to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how I treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe life is about relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with others because the sharing doesn't always go as I expected it to, with what I am sharing being received differently that I intended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as the failure to effectively share with others to all of our benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up sharing myself with others because it has gone poorly before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and being mistreated when I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and no one receiving it as important to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what is important to me is not important to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop caring because everyone else has stopped caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform with the abuse, suppression, and self-censorship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be met with celebration, embrace, and engagement when I share something important to me, that I am passionate about, and that I have purpose in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as this experience of being shut down, ignored, and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no one listening to me when I speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never be understood.


Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Not in the Clear yet: Day 12

 It's been 22 days since I posted last and I had good ground I made in the first 2 weeks after writing. I started pitching, the clubhouse hasn't exactly grown but we are getting others to use the tools, and I started work at my new job. It is hard physical labor so I have given in to the point of being physically tired even though I have enough energy to do stuff. Some other shit with money came up and there has been stress regarding money lately. I have let go of my consistency that I was developing. I was getting hot and then went cold. I don't know where to start with this blog so i'll just begin with points relevant now and going back to my starting point for this process, pitching people, growing my clubhouse, and using the tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no energy after work to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my tools and stop applying myself when I get stressed or when I am mentally tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have enough time to walk my process every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let up on my momentum when the going gets good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse inconsistency in my business, like not pitching every week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because I have worked all day and want to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things aren't going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because I don't see immediate results from pitching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because there are more problems and I have more responsibility now that I have taken another step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop writing my blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop reading Journey to Life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know how to help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot solve my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe none of this is going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to negate my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally check out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go absent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on putting myself out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on pitching people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on selling TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on making videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on growing my clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into addictions and distractions when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into patterns of self sabotage when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear returning to my old preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear quitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not using my tools and forgetting to use them multiple days in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my process up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am disorganized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'm self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed.

When and as I see myself slipping away from walking my process and actually applying myself (going out pitching every week for example), I stop and I breathe.. I realize that I procrastinate using my tools until the very last moment where I often don't follow through because of some excuse like not feeling like it, being tired, wanting to do something else, it being too late.. and because of that I end up slipping and letting it slip by me.. whether that is coming home and not wanting to pitch because it is late in the day or not using TechnoTutor at night because it is bed time or i'd rather watch Peaky Blinders or play PUBG..

I realize and see this pattern and how already on the way home I start to go into this tiredness from working in the heat and feeling worn down physically + mentally. I realize the mental tiredness isn't real and I do have some remaining physical energy, so I could make a different choice.

I commit myself to making a different choice in those moments where I see the time is moving on in the day and it is getting to that moment where if I don't do it now, I probably won't do it and if I do = it will be one of the very last things I do in the day where I just want to get it over with.

I commit myself to not taking my time for granted by realizing that moments come in the day as opportunities and they don't come again after a certain point in the day.

I commit myself to taking these moments of opportunity when they show up and making the decision that is hard for me because of my mind and my excuses/justifications/desires to do something else that is not the best / not in the direction of progress.

I commit myself to stop participating in the desires to do something else that is easy, that is a simple pleasure of distraction, when I still have business and responsibilities like process to attend to.

I commit myself to go pitching tomorrow after work once I have showered and to not sit down or lay down where I know I will have a moment where I allow my mind to take control as my preprogramming and direct me to a distraction of pleasure.

I commit myself to forgiving myself in my mind, in the notes in my phone, out loud, in writing, or by typing when I see the excuses/justifications/desires come up within me that stand directly in the way of me applying myself more(doing TechnoTutor, reading blogs, writing blogs, etc) - putting myself out there (pitching/making videos/messaging people/building my clubhouse) because instead of accepting and allowing all these thoughts to go through me and accumulate into a wall or stagnation, I could practice self-forgiveness and removing these thoughts/programs/feelings from me.

I commit myself to realize that I am the key to everything if I would simply apply myself and that I do not have to feel a certain type of way or be in a certain mental state to do the work.

I commit myself to do the work implied and involved in walking my process.

I commit myself to becoming more and more consistent in what is best for me and what is best for all as writing, application, self-forgiveness, community-creation, and building my business.

I commit myself to push myself when I least want to.

I commit myself to do the hard things, meaning to do what I know is best instead of what I want to do which is often a distracting pleasure.

I commit myself to make the best decision even when it is hard.

I commit myself to unlearning my bad habits.

I commit myself to trusting myself to do what is best instead of what is easy.

I commit myself to move forward despite the doubt and to work harder instead of waiting for something to work out the way I want it to before continuing to do more.

I commit myself to stop complaining within myself

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

A Jump-Start, the Revival of All that is Dead, the Coming-back to/as Life : Day 11

I see a lot that is dead-in-mind, floating in the water like a limp, dying fish.
My process, my business, my clubhouse and community..
I am harsh on myself about what I see.
The little movement of life since last year and the growth that died off almost as soon as it began.
I overlook much of the great things that have happened and the changes that I made during this time.
I so badly wanted more to happen, for specific things to take off, and for me to automatically "get it" - to apply myself like a beast within what is best and revive the greatness within my being to expression.
I wanted my clubhouse to explode as well as my business, for everyone to get on board that showed any interest. Instead, it popped for a moment and fizzled out. I started out strong and then became clouded.
The clubhouse and community has given me and my wife some great experiences to reference. It has given us some friends and shown some potential in multiple people. I have seen a little bit of what I can do and how this all can go. I have come so close to a sale. I started walking my process with the tools more effectively and consistently. What I face every day in my mind though is that this should be more, I should have more members in the clubhouse.. I should have posted more.. I should have a client or two by now... I should have converted the small handful of members to active participants in process.. I should be giving more and making more things happen. This isn't good enough. I am afraid that my business is dead in the water. I am afraid that my clubhouse for Self-Perfected is dead in the water. I was afraid that my process was dead in the water and that essentially - I am dead in the water.. just floating.. being taken by the current.. finding the last bit of life in me to swim... to move in this water and decide where I will go instead of letting myself be taken.

Jump-Start. Why this word? Because we are looking at my starting point.. and we are looking at "jumping" back into things.. with life.. with the spark of life.. that will reignite and bring back from the dead or the near-death experience that I am having within my business, my process, and my community / clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am already dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am dead-in-mind, as in dead-inside, and that everything i'm doing is lifeless as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am brain-dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my business to die and be dead in the water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to myself what I have accepted and allowed and what has become of me and what is in my life that was/is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I am responsible for something like my business and still let it go, never directing it, never putting enough of myself into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in regret because of my failure to launch my business or my community-clubhouse successfully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in regret and pity because things haven't gone the way I had hoped or expected them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my lack of success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the currents of my mind within the current of time, as I am dead in this "water" and am being washed out and taken down stream - no direction of my own and where I will go with my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my life and what is happening in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself emotionally and mentally with my track record.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so harsh on myself and yet offer no support in actually breaking through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make a come back from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck and stay stuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and act hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking into and reflecting on my failures because of what I feel and what i'm afraid of feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling the pain from the memories of what went wrong in the beginning when I started my business, my clubhouse/community, and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within myself/my chest when I think about my business, my community, and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into war within my body/my chest/my stomach where I react to starting my business/my community/my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about everything I should have done in hindsight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in my mind about what could have been if I did what I should have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying again now that I have already failed because I don't want to be recognized as a failure trying to make something work, I fear that it will fail again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing again at the same thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try instead of do and to think I can try when I will do or I will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constrict my chest, my heart, and my lungs within/as my mind as a war/conflict within me where it is like someone has a grip on my breathing, a grip on my heartbeat, and I am having the life slowly squeezed out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out into the world and building my business, building my community / clubhouse, and getting things moving again through/by talking to new people.. making new relationships... and sharing with enthusiasm about what I am doing, why I am here, and who I am.. so that I may be a + 1 to the life of others around me and find the + 1's to my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do more for myself, to apply myself for myself, and accumulate the people, resources, training, skills, experiences, conversations, events, and time-in-practice to create a world that is best for me, best for all, and ultimately the life I want to live because I was avoiding facing my fear in/as other people and sharing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the opinion I believe others are holding secretly in their mind about me, about TechnoTutor, about Desteni, about Self-Perfected and to be unconsciously/subconsciously within the secrets of my mind holding onto this opinion/belief/thought and resonating it / projecting it into the world through my behavior that gets reflected back to me by others and by my own conscious thoughts about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am going to fail again even if I start over because of what I am still holding onto and how I still hold back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of how things went every other time and to hold back because of what I experienced during those moments which I am afraid of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back because I am afraid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe something bad will happen if I let go of my fear, let go of my self, and go all in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the dead-end of/as my fear where life is stuck, where I am stuck, and to remain here because I would not challenge myself / forgive myself and share myself in the next breath.. to return to breath... which cannot be held onto for more than a moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to return to life in the next moment because I am afraid of living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the best life as what is best for all and learning to create that in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and give up on setting an example as myself as what is best for all with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see what I want to see and to only see the distorted image of my life, my process, what I am building.. never looking at what is actually here as the real actions.. the real measurements.. the real quantification of my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my fears about what I am doing, what is happening, and where I am going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I am doing, where I am going, and what is happening in my life... instead of taking into account all the facts... forgiving my feelings within/surrounding those facts... and understanding how to proceed from there given what my goals are.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my goals clearly, where I want to go, and to define the facts, the numbers, the actions, the systems that make up the reality of what is here as me / my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up within/as my mind where I am judging and determining my results instead of assessing them objectively in relationship to the goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is all over for me and to be finalizing my judgment of myself, my opinion of myself, my idea of myself, my self-image to then hide that conclusion in shame/guilt/fear with suppression... to also give up and submit to some other way of life because I have defined what I was doing / who I was / why I am here as a failed purpose/mission/objective and I am a failure in turn that must move onto something else where I might succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in previous failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reason with myself why I should give up and to buy-in to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can no longer continue living this way... (what way?)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can no longer continue living this way where I take on all that we have accepted and allowed, to daring to challenge the system within myself and building myself up to challenge the system at large, and to start accepting and allowing a life in submission to the system where I simply get with the program and stop making such a fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to die inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill everything I start with my dead-weight and baggage from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring down everything I start and create with the weight of my problems as the fearful memories of the past holding me back/down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crush my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crush my ambitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill my confidence.


Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Online Presence / Internet Participant: Day 10

 Inspired by these interviews and a realization I had about my relationship with the internet and social media:

Living in a Virtual World

When Virtual Self does not Match the Real Self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be fake online in order to gain a following and get views, likes, comments, reacts, and shares on my posts/videos/lives/pictures/etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my success online by/through gaining a massive following, instead of by/through how many people are actually changing their lives through what I post/share/create/express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my real life fall apart while my online presence and life is seemingly pristine, perfect, and happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing who I really am and what I am really going through online because of who is out there that might spite me with the vulnerability of sharing my real self online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with being online and creating a social media presence that is actually abusive to me and to others who find my page because of the participation in self-suppression, the projection of a fake reality that I put out there, and the stimulation of conflict within them where they compare themselves against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the amount of attention I receive online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the amount of followers I have online within my different accounts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a lurker online where I am essentially a nobody, I am invisible, and all I do is view/read/observe/watch things and people online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to social media celebrities/influencers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no followers online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no one liking, sharing, or commenting on any of my content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over getting attention online, with how many likes, views, followers, shares, comments, video responses/etc I am getting from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have nothing worth sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in simply making other people famous because they want our attention and were good at getting it, yet they have no message of what is best for all and offer no support in terms of real change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my experience online, specifically within social media which is like a game... because certain people are winning with their online celebrity status and others are losing wherein we simply follow them, consume their content, and our pages are made up of these pages that have amassed a certain level of influence online.. and if you are choosing to produce content, it is like competing for the most likes/views/comments/engagement/reactions with the content so you can grow your page, expand your influence, and have a better time on your social media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cancel culture online and getting cancelled online for something I wrote or said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to censor myself because I am afraid of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to this experience of myself on social media where I am lost in a sea of information. lost in a sea of entertainment media, and looking for my place within this where I can get some attention, some engagement, some real movement from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from social media and my general online experience, to project and live a different self on here, as if I have a second life - instead of standing one and equal to what I see here on/as/in the internet/social media and supporting myself with/as all of it as I am equal and one to it and I have tools to process what I am going through within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my social media and internet experience to what I have experienced thus far and to the judgments I have of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an internet lurker, a social media lurker, where all I do is view things and look at them - rarely sharing, liking, commenting, engaging, and directing what is here as myself... rarely putting who I am into what I am seeing and setting the example of the world I want to live in.. simply judging the world I have stepped into.. and the glimpses of examples I am given/receiving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within/on the internet/social media from a point of judgment/spite/blame/separation/reaction where the primary thing that happens when I come on here is I go into negative experiences about myself and about others.. as I view pictures and words from others... looking for what I like, looking on my FEED for what I will FEED off of today... sometimes and often it is stuff I judge negatively, other times it is stuff that is sort of interesting, and sometimes it is stuff I really enjoy - but what I notice I do the most on social media is I am hater and a lurker.. I am making horrible judgments about others that I see online for how they look, sound, what they share.. what they post... I am a silent judge and jury.. a silent hater lurking to pass judgment and move on, spiting what it is that is in my feed and that I will feed off of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lurk, instead of actively participating online and sharing - directing myself, my experience, and the internet with my participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lurk because I am afraid of sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that lurking is hiding and that you hide when you're afraid of sharing/standing out/being visible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my screen and anonymity online / on social media while the ones who dare to share, to create content and post it, to express themselves openly, to take on the fear and risk of judgment will be the ones directing the experience we are all having online as the feed/wall/streams are created by them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back from sharing online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear annoying people with what I post or create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what people think of what I am sharing and posting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my face online because of how I look or what people might say about my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking ugly and people noticing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking tired and people noticing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a selfie because of how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for looking ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for looking tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist sharing myself because of how I sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist sharing myself because of how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop sharing myself because somebody said something mean to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop sharing myself because I don't know everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on using the internet and social media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using social media and the internet in the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going live on video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite others online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing me for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being myself just because I am online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my experience online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I see online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with what I see online as a virtual reality fucking with my mind and affecting me physically and the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just being online, live, sharing myself as I am because that is not good enough, that won't accomplish the goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by memories of no engagement when I share myself online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am annoying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am obnoxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is going to watch my videos or read my posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be someone else to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot get attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot get enough attention from enough people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot get people's attention when I need it or want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having too much attention on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about someone else reading my writing, watching my videos, listening to what I have to say, and the sort of attention I am going to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my process about what others will think and what others will approve of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my sharing to be about what others will think, what others want, what others might hear, and what fears I have of other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within public opinion and fear of that.

When and as I am online, using social media, and I see things on my wall/feed/page.. simply lurking... and reacting to what is here on the screen - I stop and I breathe.
I realize that who I am is determining what I do as I am the starting point. If I am going to simply lurk and react to what is here, then I am simply separating myself from myself and not directing what is here that is asking to be directed within me. My experience online, using myself as social media, is determined by me within/as my participation and unless I direct what is here through engagement/exercise of my keys/clicks/views - me pushing all the buttons in a way that is supporting what is best - I will have my experiences directed for me by the button-pushers as all the content-creators and influencers which would have me support a point of self-interest within myself and them where we are just participating in energy-consumption, money-making, and distraction from what is here.
I realize that I can stop this and change who I am within this experience, to start engaging within my social media as what is best for all and creating content of my own to impulse the point of what is best for all within my sphere of influence and to accumulate the world I want to see through the example of who I am - that which is/will be multiplied by my impulse.

Thus,

I commit myself to changing my online presence and my online experience through supporting myself using writing/self-forgiveness/self-corrective application - to define/redefine/live the vocabulary of the internet / the online experience / social-media presence in ways that is best for all - in ways that is effective so that my time here is not wasted and I may extend my reach using the tools of the world wide web.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding how social media works, how the online system and game is played, so that I can navigate it to the best of my ability and learn what works best.

I commit myself to understanding the way people use the internet and the way their mind works when it comes to attention, interest, and engagement/participation so that I may be effective in reaching them.

I commit myself to knowing my audience and studying what is necessary to really know them.

I commit myself to sharing myself, what is best, the tools, the principles, and the messages that support real change.

I commit myself to learning what it means to measure my process and my progress, to then measure my process/progress within this by how many lives I can change doing this and how much can I improve my life by doing this.

I commit myself to making better videos that people are interested in watching.

I commit myself to writing better posts that people respond to because it changed something important within them, for them, because they considered what I posted for themselves.

I commit myself to creating an online presence that matters because everything I make brings people back to themselves and their physical bodies.

I commit myself to letting go of my fears about sharing and expressing myself online.

I commit myself to participating online with the people I follow/friend from a different starting point and to add to their online presence as an equal.

I commit myself to forgive myself for reactions within me that I have when reading/listening to other people's material online - to stop participating in the spite/blame/ego/conflict that we all engage in as lurkers (most of the time) and to stop commenting from that same starting point where what I put out there is only to FEED into/on the conflict/drama/energy that is being creating virtually.

I commit myself to breathing as I am using social media, staying in my body, and to stop using social media if I start to go into ego when participating.

I commit myself to realize how much of the online experience is simply ego and to be aware of how often it really is that I go into these acts of my ego virtually within the online experience.