Saturday, December 12, 2020

Facing the Dragon's Breath: Day 13

 My last post was on breathing and what I have come to realize lately is that I have no foundation and no ability without breathing to be able continue this process.
Breathing is what carries us through the onslaught of the mind, as Bernard had put it. I have seen this directly in my own life, so that quote is no longer just words.. I see the truth in my own life.
I have decided to practice Wim Hof's breathing with my girlfriend.. That will be my starting point for practice that I will have a buddy in. I will work in the 4 count breathing in-between this practice as Wim Hof's method is not aimed at a consistent, livable structure of breathing effectively.
I must also get on more phone calls with my friend to expand my understanding and application of breath as he has put in quite a bit of work to flesh out his application.
In my last post I said I would clarify the point a bit more in self forgiveness in my next post, so I will begin that self-forgiveness now: (EDIT: I did not realize this point of the dragon's breath would open up, so bear with me as the self forgiveness opens up the point i'm seeing in multiple ways)

I want to leave some references for this self forgiveness on breathing here: -----------

Breathing is what carries us through the onslaught of the mind. - BP

Breath as the Answer to Life - EQAFE interview

Bernard mentioned that what they found within this process is that NO ABILITY REMAINED THAT WAS NOT DEVELOPED IN BREATH. 

This means that whatever ability/response-ability I will be able to develop will only be supported to stand the test of time/death through breath alone.

BREATH IS THE FOUNDATION FOR ALL ABILITIES. IT IS WHAT ENABLES.

Wim-Hof's research proves this as he has demonstrated Breath is the Access Point for All the Physical Systems. Research his material to find the understanding.

Jordan Peterson also pointed out that Breath is the "bridge" between the conscious and subconscious/unconscious as it is the one faculty that is mostly instinctual/unconscious that can also be consciously controlled.

Breath is Discipline - BP

Breath is also directly related to the Heart, the most obvious connection being it's ability to regulate the Heartbeat

Breath is factually the Spirit of Man as the root of Spirit is the Latin, "Spirare" which means BREATH.
____________


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist breathing in self awareness.

I forgive myself that I do not breathe effectively.

I forgive myself that I have separated myself from my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my breathing to be separated from everything else I do, seeing breath as breath-alone as if it is not intimately, inextricably one and equal with the rest of my biological systems and mind systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create breath as an experience of fighting, I am fighting to take another breath, succumbing to shallow and unconscious breaths where I forget myself and breathe as if I am asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recognize all these great things about breath, to see the significance and importance of breathing and yet do nothing with it.. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist disciplining myself in breathing.

I forgive myself that I struggle to breathe.

I forgive myself that I feel like I am suffocating and unable to breathe properly.

I forgive myself that I am suffocating myself with emotions and feelings when I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much shit built-up within breath that I cannot enjoy a single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in my application of breathing because it feels like too much, I struggle too hard to consistently do it and to do it right, so therefore - fuck it.. i'll just let my body breathe however it wants to.

I forgive myself that I have not corrected my relationship with breathing and thus be fucked when it comes to breathing in a way that might actually support me.

I forgive myself that I do not want to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed apathy within my breath, where I do not really care if I take another breath or not or what the quality of that breath is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, and experience breathing as a chore.

I forgive myself that breathing feels like a chore.. a labour.. like i'm forced to do it and that I have to push myself like i'm giving birth, which I then feel like giving up because it's too hard to push this much to get out - to get to the other side of this laborious chore.

I forgive myself that I just want to get this over with.. the breathing.. the writing.. the self forgiveness.. the working through the tough, heavy, negative experiences of living through the accumulated consequences of what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I need, or think I need, something to live for to continue doing this.. because just living through this on it's own is not enough.. like just being here, breathing, isn't enough on it's own and I want something more to ASPIRE to.. something to help me RESPIRE/RESPIRATE... some sort of ASPIRATION to GIVE ME A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.. to feel like I can actually BREATHE again.. because this doesn't feel like breathing.. it feels like i'm breathing in sludge and heavy toxic fumes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my breathing to become heavy, like sludge, where when I breathe it is like toxic fumes.. just hot air that is suffocating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffocate myself by breathing in the spirit and essences of death.. the spirits of apathy, indifference, malice, spite, vengeance, hate, darkness, evil, negativity.. and more ---- Apathy, Indifference, Darkness, Heaviness and Negativity define this experience the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe in negative emotional energy and fill my body with charges that my body cannot sustain itself properly with.. forcing myself to live off the worst of me and what is in my spirit and heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have actually been breathing, because this breathing as I know it is not the Breath of Life. It is something else.

I forgive myself that I thought I knew what breathing is, or that I think I am actually breathing... because breath is supposed to be life itself and the answer.. yet what I breathe in is a terrible answer and a heavy life, like a sigh but with no relief...a constant pressure that doesn't want to release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be looking for the breath that is right under my nose to answer all my problems.. because there is no need to look for this answer, it has always been here and I have neglected it in my application.. I have neglected to apply it.. and with how I have applied it, I have just been breathing hot air like a dragon.. carrying on the spirit of a dragon, filled with a fire that I breathe into the world around me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, seen, or accepted that the breath I am breathing IS my answer.. and that I simply do not like the answer my breath is revealing to me.. and that this is why I have this experience and aversion to investigating and reflecting on my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this issue within my tissue as the breath that enters my lungs and becomes the spirit I embody - for it to go on, to drag-on as a dragon that is growing fed up.. as I have fed myself with so much discontent for the way I am living.. the breath that is giving me life is also the breath with which I will leave this life if my time were to come.. 

I forgive myself that I have not honored this breath as my self and the spirit of this dragon within me as  myself.. because the beast is awake and the discontent has come to a limit, where now I must act.. no more dragging on like this. The beast must come out and this breath of fire must be put to good use... 

- To burn away the dead wood and all that needs to be cleared by fire... Instead of burning down the village nearby.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use this heavy heat that is within my core and the fiery fumes of my breath to make the changes in my life that is best for all, by directing myself in breath towards that which is unacceptable and unallowable.. to eliminate that which is no longer serving me and clear a way out of our situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel within me when I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dragon/the beast within my breath, as the spirit of which I embody.. because spirit comes from spirare which means breath, and thus spirit is factually the breath and the spirit of a dragon is the breath of which is usually an element like fire, ice, poison - etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dragon and the beast within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my spirit(s) that I embody within breath.

I forgive myself that I deny these spirits and the spirit itself for what it is - real in-so-far as I am the one that lives the definitions and experiences of these spirits.. it is all in a breath.. and that is how I live.

I forgive myself that I fight within myself to suppress the spirit of my breath and what is within it, because I fear who I am and what I have accepted and allowed as what possesses me.. the feelings/emotions and accompanying thoughts that characterize these fictional spirits that I make real and create friction with through the fictional drama that creates trauma within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that breath IS the answer to life.. and that it IS what will carry me through the onslaught of the mind.. to take me from the unconscious/subconscious slumber of my mind into awareness, where I can practice life in wakefulness and determine what spirits shall come and go within me as my breath - the de facto spirit of my body.

________

This was a lot of self forgiveness and the language was more ethereal, spiritual, and mystical than it was practical.. so I will come here again tomorrow to bring this to earth in more practical language and apply the self-corrective statements to flesh this out into something tangible and applicable to everyone in common sense. 

This language I use is what supports me in walking through my mind and my experience of it. This is how the energy of what I am in really feels like, yet there is a practicality within it which I will demonstrate in the next post. If I give myself a day, I will be able to assess the points specifically and take them into real time actions. I look forward to showing what I can do with this. 

Enjoy.

Friday, December 11, 2020

4 Count Breathing and Wim Hof Breathing: Day 12

With my most recent section in DIP Lite at lite.desteniiprocess.com..
I have decided to focus more on my breathing application.
I want to enter in all the vocabulary terms from my reading in this latest section.
I am going to create lists from the course in DIP Lite on breathing and self-honesty.
I will also be diving into Wim Hof's methods as he has proven a great deal with his practices regarding breathing and cold-exposure.

I am going to combine Desteni material, Wim Hof's breathing, cold exposure, and material from a book called The Presence Process which deals exclusively in breathing.
I have no self-forgiveness to share on this because I have to sleep. I will expand on the breathing point to clarify my starting point within it and the material tomorrow.
I have had quite a few conversations with my friend Matthew on breathing and I see this is the next point for me to focus on.
I'm going to also write more for myself in my blog, because this process and journey is about me.
I have a lot to figure out before I have something that isn't completely muddled with reactions to share with others.

I need to focus on selling and rebranding myself on social media, as well.
There is much work to be done.
Goodnight.

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Consistency and Conflict: Day 10 (6 day absence)

I have not wanted to write recently. I have accepted and allowed myself to go without, even after writing specifically on the consequences of it. Anxiety has built up over the issue and I’ve compounded the point within me. It’s a conflict of interests within me. I did not resolve the conflict or resolve myself to follow through with my commitment to writing. 

My justifications for doing so were I had ‘nothing’ to write about, except that I didn’t want to despite knowing there was things I could write about. I thought it was a waste of time and I would rather go with what I felt the least resistance to. I thought that whatever I wrote would be half-assed shit that wasn’t worth reading. I did not force myself to write because I didn’t want to feel the conflict or see what I was feeling that was causing me so much discomfort inside.

Writing with consistency based on time conflicts with writing based on quality, because when I am too possessed with internal conflict to write one day then my consistency in terms of quality will take a hit.

Am I consistent if I am writing every day but it is not the quality I want to consistently deliver?
It’s a two part equation at the moment from what I can see.
Consistency would be to have both:
A regular time
A standard quality

If I don’t have one, I am likely to lose the other.

Moving to the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to live consistently within writing where I show up at a regular time and write according to my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed conflict within me to build up to the point of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on writing because I can’t seem to get out what’s going on inside in a way that I am happy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to dominate my decision-making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the mood I am in and sacrifice my commitments to myself within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under estimate the issue of energy in the tissue impulsing me and directing my thoughts and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy possession to dictate what I do and do-not.

I forgive myself that I have not created and lived a solution to my instability within emotions and feelings, where I am constantly giving into the energy created from my internal conflict as the cognitive dissonance in my mind.

I forgive myself that I listen to, accept, and allow the emotions and feelings within me that are in conflict as if multiple personalities are waging war over the interests of where I place my attention and what I do with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotional instability, which creates instability in my commitments like in writing- where I fall short of my goals and subtract from the progress I was making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use internal conflict to move and motivate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the conflicts within me unresolved where they build up energy that possesses me and I hope/wish that the ‘good’ side of me wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when the fighting as the internal conflict becomes too much and so I give in to my resistances because it’s easier to just let go of whatever I’m fighting with myself about doing / not doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed giving up as a solution to internal conflict and resistance to doing what is best for all/me + what I have self commitment to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stress I experience from my internal conflict and resistance, because I feel like I’m gonna make bad decisions or go deeper into a spiral.. winding myself too tight like a spring that’s going to explode from tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because I know I’m going to write half-assed shit when I am stressed out, conflicted, and emotionally unstable.

Self-Correction:

When and as I am conflicted within emotions and feelings, stressed out, and unstable.. 
I stop and I breathe.
I consider the mental state I am in and what my body is experiencing.
I consider if the state I am in is too possessed to write at the moment / apply myself within commitment and if it is ‘too much’ for me to handle, also if it is ‘too late’ to do what I committed myself to do.
I consider what I can do if it’s too much or too late, such as walking away to go do something physical and breathe so I can come back to try again.. or if I can simply write less and save myself from breaking the commitment I made for the day. Worst case scenario is I have to do it the next day.

I commit myself to come back and give the writing another go and to shorten the time between walking away and coming back.

I commit myself to, when I give up, to only ‘give up’ temporarily within what needs to be given up...

I commit myself to give up the conflict, the fighting, and the resistance.. in this, I commit myself to keep the writing commitment.. to keep the point I am resisting or fighting.. but not the drama surrounding it.

I commit myself to breathe more, even though I may not be successful at breathing through the possession to a point of clarity or stability every time.. 

I commit myself to learn what it means to effectively breathe through my reactions and be here, finding ground, coming home to myself, seeing me through the resistance and the conflict of the war within.

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes, even if I learn slowly and it takes me many attempts, and to keep making efforts despite my almost immediate and sudden failures within my commitments.

I commit myself to detailing more thorough and self-realistic commitments that reflect a deeper awareness of who I am and what I know about myself.. thus I work with where I am really at and avoid unnecessary frustration and disappointment because I know how often I will fail and how/why + with what I will fail.

I commit myself to directly face what failures already exist within me that I know I will experience and walk through.

Monday, November 30, 2020

Paradoxes of Self-Forgiveness or The Reason for it?: Day 9

I have written a few days in a row without the forgiveness statements.
I have resistance to self-forgiveness, despite what I know with absolute certainty about it.
Why do I resist what I know is the most superior advantage in this world?
Because I don't want to forgive, yet I do..
I have vengeful self-hate within me.
I have resentment and distrust.
I am troubled with many things in my mind.
I am conflicted within and do not always carry the peace in my words.
I am at war within my own awareness.
I have cognitive dissonance

Therefore,
How can I forgive in this state of mind?
How can I dare make a statement so contradictory to what i've seen in my heart and mind?
I ask these questions in doubt and will answer for it.

I have seen the way and practiced self-forgiveness with some relief and benefit to my life.
The thing i'm here to resolve is this:
I can't make peace if i'm forgiving me without actually meaning it.
I have seen that self-forgiveness can be insincerely expressed, even when it is correct to express it.

So....
When is Self-Forgiveness actually real?
I have heard the answer to this before, but have to give myself the answer for me to really get it.
I have cognitive dissonance because I have conflict within me when I forgive myself.
That seems paradoxically appropriate and inappropriate.
If i'm forgiving myself, then why the conflict?
Because the reason why IS the conflict.
Yet, the conflict must cease if I am forgiving - right?
What if the conflict does not cease when I forgive?
What if I cannot forgive while I am in conflict?

The first word that comes up for me to begin answering these questions is:
Unconditional.

To unconditionally forgive myself, I cannot just give up forgiving myself because it doesn't feel right.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive myself no matter the condition I am in.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive even when faced with what I believe is unforgiveable - because forgiveness with a condition over when and why I forgive will simply allow to continue the condemned and fallen state I find myself in.. The version of me that needs forgiveness the most is the version I am unwilling to forgive. The reason I would not forgive is the reason I must forgive.

I said I don't want to forgive myself, and yet I do.. because although how I am living does not currently reflect perfect self-forgiveness.. there are many indications in my existence and the one we share that reflect a desire for self-forgiveness. I recognize the want to forgive myself as an answer I don't want to hear. It's the solution to the pain, the debt, and the charges against myself. The want to escape can be seen as the want to forgive. The want to let go and relax is a reflection of the desire to forgive. You can give the motion many different names, but self-forgiveness is in essence what it can be reduced to. The mechanism of release and the ability to just be and reflect on self's existence is the same. 

Self-Forgiveness is the specific name of the act that is most resisted, though, because it carries a lot of bullshit... paradoxically, this is because it also carries the exact nature of the solution to the bullshit within us. It is how we can reveal and sort through ALL the shit within us.

Then, What is Self-Forgiveness without All the Bullshit?
I resist forgiving myself because I can get carried away forgiving myself out of desperation for relief.
I resist forgiving myself because I sometimes start using self-forgiveness statements as a way to express emotions and feelings that i'm suppressing.
It can become an exercise in confession disguised as self-help.
It can look like i'm working on my self when I am just fueling the fire.
When I find myself using it as an opportunity to express things I would otherwise keep buried, it can become a guilt-ridden session with myself where i'm venting all the things troubling me in hopes that it changes something. Then, it is just wishful thinking.

What is the problem with that?
It's what I do with it upon reflecting on the statements or when I don't reflect on the statements at all. It's what I do immediately after the statements and what fruits do the words bear. I notice that I often want to just get things out into the open and that's it, but that's not enough for me deep down. I want there to actually be something that comes out of these words that is best for me. When the statements only further cement me into feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and sorrow.. it's just another thinly veiled disguise for self-abuse.

Self-Forgiveness without the Bullshit is when I take Responsibility for the Bullshit and do not Accept or Allow myself to be Deluded by my Words and thus Dilute my Words to Ineffectiveness. 

It is to be Self-Honest by Taking my Time with what I Write, to make things Right within the Writing.. that means I look at what is Wrong with what I am Expressing in the Forgiveness and to Correct it = Writing is the Righting. 

What I mean by look at what is Wrong is to see where I am using Self-Forgiveness as another tool of Abuse and to see what in my writing is full of crap that needs to be investigated. It is to look into what I can identify that is in Error of my Principles and what within my programming is at cause for the issues I am experiencing, acting out, and manifesting that are not Best for All.

What I mean by make things Right is to Write the Corrections that Correct according myself according to the Principle of What is Best for All as that is the Core of the Solutions to this Life. What is Best for All is also to be Investigated for what is Wrong with that within me as well.

What I mean by Taking my Time is Pacing myself Slowly and Deliberately when Writing - to Stop the Rush of Energy that is to be in a Hurry and Read Carefully what I am Placing into Physical/Digital Space.

What I mean by being Self-Honest is to Question myself about the Words I am Using that Reflect the Nature of Who I Am and to then Answer myself about What I See Directly in my Words - to Read Between the Lines and Identify my Intent and Purpose within what I am Writing WITHOUT Excuse, Justification, or Judgment of what I am Writing.  

Sunday, November 29, 2020

The Weight of The World and Heaving the Way to Heaven: Day 8

I give the weight of the world to my words when I speak from the heart.

I share this weight because it cannot wait any longer. I must give way to it.

Gravity comes from matters of the heart and this earth is the heart of the matter that gifts gravity to our life.

What’s here in me, if you can hear in me what is here in me, is also in you.

We must deal with what is here, that which we share.

The nature of this earthly existence is the heart of what we share.

Thus, we share the same heart and so it's time we discuss the core of what is the matter here on earth.

We can only do so by feeling the heavy gravity of our situation and explore the weights we will be lifting intuitively.

Life is serious- it carries much gravitas and it cannot be escaped.

If you don’t believe me, I dare you to leave this planet right now.

I hope the word play and their relationships I use here won't be missed and can be appreciated for what it reveals.

Gravity, Gravitas, Grave, Serious
Heart, Earth, Hear, Here, Core, Matter
Weight, Wait, Way
Heave, Heaven, Heavy
Soul, Sole

We are HEAVING the WAY to HEAVEN through LIFTING the WEIGHTS by FORGIVING A WAY in our HEARTS where MATTERS have gotten HEAVY. The things we will face at the GRAVE are that which WEIGH on our SOUL until it is in the SOIL Our soul walked the soil of the earth with the soles of our feet, leaving imprints on our earth and our hearts as they are one in the same. How we walk while we are here is thus all that matters as the earth is the heart of the matter which our soul walked on it with the soles of our feet.

The earth is the material matrix, the mother of all living beings; it is the PLACE OF PRACTICE as all that is PRACTICAL deals in what can be done IN THE PHYSICAL - WHICH IS WHERE THINGS MATTER. Matter, material, matrix, and mother all share the Latin root of Mater/Matr which means mother. The word itself confirms this message I share.

SO....
How do we heave the way to heaven while we are here?
How do we lift this weight and give way to heaven on earth (practically)?

The one and only solution I have found and confirmed through a decade of research and practice of the words that codify this matrix is: SELF-FORGIVENESS
BE-CAUSE it GIVES WAY to a NEW LEASE ON LIFE and REMOVES the DEBT-BASED SLAVERY that ALL SYSTEMS IN THIS WORLD OPERATE ON.

LIFE is currently LOST on EARTH because we LIVE BACKWARDS THROUGH IT AS MEMORIES OF THE PAST and we go through CYCLES of TIME as THE PAST CREATES THE FUTURE - ALWAYS looking for ourselves... all the while LIFE IS HERE.. PRESENT.. in/as OUR PRESENCE as THE ETERNAL GIFT.

We must GIVE this GIFT to RECEIVE this GIFT OF LIFE - it was GIVEN TO US and it is FOR GIVING! 

It is a GIFT that CANNOT BE GIVEN IF WE ARE NOT FOR-GIVING AND FOR-GIVEN (RECEIVED)..

How does this translate to a practice on earth for each one?

Practically speaking, in our individual lives.. it is to feel the gravity of what weighs us down in life, to identify the things holding us back and tying us to our pasts within all our relationships... to then forgive ourselves specifically for what we have done and who we have become that has brought us all here collectively. You can see how you have contributed to the gravity of the situation we are facing on earth, it is in us all equally and as one. Make no separation about the matter, this heart that is the earth is ours to share.. take equal responsibility for the weight of this world. It is about returning to the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated.. forgiving your self where you did not live and apply this is a good way to start.
INVESTIGATE DESTENI AND THE DESTENI I PROCESS (lite.desteniiprocess.com)
They have already laid out the ground-work and the tools to get clear on the practicality of this process.

Practically speaking, with regards to our systems... it is imperative we investigate and support new systems that are based in forgiving the debts and giving to everyone equally that which you would have liked to receive in this life (FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE). I suggest looking into EQUAL MONEY or a Universal Basic Income (UBI) as well as reforms to EDUCATION because the money system and the educational system are the roots of control in this world that dictate the future.. They are both based in debt and indoctrination of the past which separates us all. I work with TECHNOTUTOR where we aim to equalize education so that all can have the highest level of education that enables each one to fulfill their potential in this life.

Begin first with what you are facing in your own life, as the whole resides in the individual and everything is in you.. what you walk in your life will be shared amongst everyone else in ways you cannot foresee yet. Think like a fractal.

I will expand more on the solution of SELF-FORGIVENESS with it's relationship to the DISCHARGING THE  PAST as the EVIL THAT IS LIFE LIVED IN REVERSE.. because the DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS ... the DEVIL = LIVED (PAST TENSE). I will walk backwards to uncover the point.

Friday, November 27, 2020

Waking up the Dragon: Day 7 (2 day absence)

The apathetic danger that rests quietly near the gold within me is what I consider to be the dragon guarding my gifts. When I wake up or am disturbed, often times this is what is within me. Today, for example, I woke up and did not feel much regard for what I was waking up to in my life. I woke up feeling like shit and I could barely give a fuck about anything except for why I wake up feeling as shit as I did. All I want is to feel better than what i'm feeling. I have gone to bed and woken up many times this year, feeling like a dragon breathing fire. My sleep is deep and is often undisturbed, but for whatever reason when I wake up.. I am ready to burn the world down. I've wondered why or what it is that I could be doing that takes the peace from me.. because the disturbance I see within me is serious.

I see the danger and the trouble within me. I don't need anyone to tell me or remind me, because i'm already afraid of who I am and what I can do. My first thought is I am furious with myself for missed actions I could have taken, those mistaken opportunities in which I either shied away from in cowardly fear or I rejected for lesser ambitions. The mounting anger in me has created an unforgiving beast that won't let me rest in peace. I missed a couple days to write and I watched it happen. I got lost into a daze of distractions losing days of traction. I am only truly happy with myself if I can say I did what is best for me and if I applied myself to the whole. When I don't, I know that I am in trouble. This beast within me is only pleased when I am doing the best...
all of a sudden this anagram makes more sense to me, now: "beast" = "a best"

I cannot please this beast unless I do my best and it threatens me with everything in my life if I don't.
I have been waking up every day knowing I do not do my best and this beast wakes up with this knowing.
I'm scared to go inside and face this dragon because I know it will finish me.
I don't deserve the treasures it keeps if I can't slay it.
If I release it on the world it will do great damage.
There is no difference between this beast and who I am.
I have to meet this thing face to face and make some peace with what rages inside it - to tame it or die from it = because if I kill it or it kills me, it doesn't matter, we both die because we're the same.
The danger and the one to face it are one in the same.

I'm just using this language to help me understand something.
A dragon to help me see what I am dragging on.. this cannot drag-on much longer or else..
A threat is implied in these creatures.
A threat to investigate or perish unwittingly from.

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Contextualized the Last 12 Years: Day 6

This blog is written after an important conversation I had with a Destonian I have rarely talked to. I will keep it short because I must sleep, but my commitment to write a blog stands here so I must write.

The last 12 years of my life in relationship to Desteni and the materials of the beings through the portal and Bernard Poolman have been coming into question for the past 5 years. 
Only now with this conversation that I just had have I been able to start seeing everything that’s happened in a new perspective. Things are starting to have context that never had context before and I can see much of my error and the errors of others within this.

Let me start off by saying I realize I know nothing (again). I know nothing about what all of this really is, as far as what I think I know which is the contents of my mind. Projections, reactions, imaginations, self-doubt and fears have clouded my understanding of what I have gone through. I thought I was just a hopeless loser that none of this was going to work for. I thought that most of you were light years ahead in self perfection. What I have read and understood was largely my own mental projections which are all in error to some degree because of the flaws of my own mind. 

I have developed ideas, beliefs, feelings/emotions, perceptions, attitudes, and inferiority/superiority complexes in relationship to the beings and the materials they have created. It’s all been a big misunderstanding and communication was not achieved like I believe. It all needs to be reinvestigated.

I am becoming free of these things through getting to know the beings and their material in one-on-one conversations with others. I have also dared to question myself in relationship to the names as words involved in all of this. My vocabulary as it has been developed is made up of wrongful interpretations and assumptions about things which I knew nothing about first hand. I was becoming aware of this years ago and it is becoming fruitful now.

What serves me best in these moments is not taking what is said for granted, nor who is saying it for granted. I have begun investigating myself and my own relationships to each being and the words they speak. I find that I always just assumed I knew what was being said to me and I am ceasing this behavior more often.

The fruits of this are, I have began to get new perspective and context on all that I have exposed myself to for the past 12 years and things are starting to make sense. My resistances are becoming clear as is my self honesty within those resistances. I am relieved to come back to my self and reality again. I now realize that as I am, I am enough to walk my process and share myself as I am. There has been lots of shame and guilt in my process about not being good enough, more self honest, more studious, more consistent, more disciplined, more committed, and more everything. It has only held me back in fear as inferiority paralyzed me and prevented me from applying myself. I have lived intimidated by what is being presented. It no longe scares me on an existential level. 

I have not allowed myself to share for many years because I felt I had betrayed principle after principle and application after application. I have missed many breathes, many opportunities, many connections, many moments to reach out, many moments to get help.. I have been far from perfect and consistent. In my eyes, I had not walked at all nor had I stood. My process has been alienating and very alone.

I have always been waiting to get better, to see myself differently, to perfect myself to a point of achievement, to a point of being exemplary before I could become an example.. before I could begin visibly sharing and expressing.

I realize now that there is no success needed to walk. I will certainly fail and fall. It is more certain than I will succeed. I have feared that all I would have to offer is an example of what not to do or who not to be. 

What I understand now is that is all out fo the window. It is garbage. I am who I am right here and there is no condition upon me needed before I can take up this process and walk. I can walk in whatever condition I am and apply myself as I am. Mistakes are welcomed. Imperfection is allowed along the road to self perfection. If anything, being in my fallen and goofy state full of foolishness is the best I could ask for to begin waking my process and applying myself.

I have addictions and self trust issues. I can be inconsistent and flakey. I can isolate and be lazy. These are all things I can correct within myself, but I do not need to eliminate these for me to begin right here and act today to make changes.
Just because I am not the shining star right now, doesn’t mean I can’t set an example that will support someone else. 

To walk with principles and to use these tools, it is not on me to never fail - in fact, most of what I do will be questionable! That’s great! Because I get to ask myself questions and have others ask me questions which will give us opportunities to learn.

I am here to learn and I am willing to change. That means I’m going to encounter challenges and fuck up. The whole name of the game is standing back up again. There is no guarantee I will get it right the first time or even the 51st time.

I am going to take the mess of gifts and curses I am today and take myself through the process that will sort this out into something of worth living. Something worth giving to the entire world.

There is no reason to wait.
No matter how bad I feel, I can act.
No matter how ugly I look, I can make a difference.
No matter how scared I am, I can change.
I do not need to feel better, as I am.. it can be done.
There is no requirement on my being to apply myself.
There is no condition I need to justify forgiving myself and moving forward.
I gift myself this chance to live, no matter my past or current state.