Why are my words here?
What reason did I place myself in writing?
Where are my words coming from?
In other words than what I placed visibly for myself and others to see and hear, what is the source of these words?
I was having a conversation with my partner the other day about an experience I find tricky.
It is when I am communicating to myself in thought, spoken or written word - I can become unaware of my self within my application of the words. I may be going on and on, about this and that, yet only one thing is communicated. And it doesn't end.
A specific example, I like to push myself to be /honest/ with myself. I like to find ways of exploring self /honestly/. This sometimes looks like a prodding disbelief in my initial answers. I'm saying to myself, 'Hey, that doesn't sound like everything! That's not satisfactory what you gave me. There's more to what you mean, I don't believe you!' - and then I give myself more answers, I go on pushing myself for /more honesty/, and more and more.... and more. I have a thought that somewhere inside myself /that my honesty will be enough/. I have a thought /that applying my words from a point of honesty is all, it is enough/. Yet, I can push myself forever to be more frank, plain, brutal, visible and simple in my honesty and /still get stuck at a point/.
It is with this experience that I see, I have to see words in all the other ways they can be applied. It is not just to communicate everything in me as it is, because words do more than just reveal. Words create. It is cool, for a moment, to reveal myself in words as the expression of my self honesty. It is however not enough to stay in this mode of 'getting things out', it is not enough to spell out an experience. Up to a certain point, dragging out the communication based on revelatory honesty only supports and continues the creation of the shit going on inside. Honesty has to become responsibility and change. I have to move from a narrative of seeing my creations as they are into the words of a creator reconsidering the direction of my universe.
With this point coming to surface I can see how limited my mobility in words has been in life because of the fact I could not see the starting point of why I am accepting and allowing the placing of my words before me the way I am. Are these words I am writing, speaking, and thinking only serving as a distraction from something else? A distraction from my self and something more I could be doing? There is a tyrannical limitation on words, where the narratives coming from 'me' are only stimulated into existence by a single point of some idea about my self. The one thing I am always communicating is my self, and it is quite easy to for me to see some of the limitations in my words that keep me busy in my mind.
What power do I give to certain points within myself as my mind?
Can I see the words that describe what I am allowing to control my word choices and how I express myself in words?
What really deserves the creative, directive principle of my words?
How often do I accept something less worthy to dictate my diction?
Awesome self-reflection, and self-questioning Jonathan
ReplyDelete