The ALMOST Boiling Point and Nothing is "Enough": Day 10

I always kinda see more to be done and better ways to do what i'm doing.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.

It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.

I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.

When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.

I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.

I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.

I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.

I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.

I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.

I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.

I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.

I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.

I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.

I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.