No Rest Within: Day 5

In listening to one of the interviews I received through the portal, I had a point brought up for me I would like to write on and apply a bit of self forgiveness on.

It was how I have lived a sort of questing for myself within 'who am I supposed to be? where am I supposed to be? what I am supposed to do?' - and how within those questions have lived my life out in extremes. I have created a restlessness in myself through this process where I feel bursting, uncomfortably, with this inner energy that I cannot seem to cope with or deal with except to - as I see it - explode into behaviors and actions that are quite unnecessary. In living this way I have compromised my health in many aspects. I cannot honestly enjoy my life or many things fully for the fact I am often feeling like I am not where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, or being who I am supposed to be. Calming myself down internally becomes a task because I feel lost in the restlessness of that energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in a restless, energetic state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep pushing myself mentally and physically to do all sorts of things to expel or release this energy within me that keeps me ticking inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to explode into unnecessary behaviors and actions that compromise my physical, mental, and emotional health.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up and create this internal veil of energy as a restless state of mind because I do not yet know or see what it is I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to be, or where I am supposed to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach these questions from a feverish standpoint of 'I must know, I must have this sorted out, I must be doing something better than this.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself as my mind to 'cope' with this extreme energetic state inside me by exploding violently as a reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'lost' in life meanwhile everything is always here within me for me to figure out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe this energy and restlessness inside me actually is me, following it to the extremes and obeying it in an enraged, enthralled obsession with figuring it all out for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and neglect myself as my breath - which always help with bringing me down here, stabilizing me and calming me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself within this energy and wreak havoc on my mind and body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and obsessed within my mind, seeking some answer in this painful state of mind that drives me mad.