The System that Makes my Process Possible: Day 15

This is the expansion and self-forgiveness for day 14 on the system I must clarify, create, and implement to walk my process consistently and effectively:

Numbers is how we make this life count; with money, time, and all of space.. the numbers are how we organize and measure everything of ourselves. 
For everything that is named, it is also numbered, and is placed within a system.
The system that I inherited at birth, I did not specifically design every aspect of in this individual life as Jonathan. I accepted/allowed and became dependent on a system in separation from myself and the tools within it I have accepted and allowed to be reversed against me.. thus it became weaponry/enslavement instead of a way of living.
It is here that I will embrace the inversion and re-reverse it into/as myself/my life for support.
The time that has been organized for me I will now practice organizing for myself.
I am responsible for the numbers that measure and organize my life.
The events plotted across time is something I can take responsibility for designing - it does not have to be a design I walk into that someone else created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of myself on time and those who controlled my time for me in my abdication of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fight back against living on time, not realizing, seeing, or understanding that because I separated myself from time and the responsibility for this time on earth... I am powerless and will become irrelevant and ineffective in this time-based reality until I stop and take responsibility for time as myself, the time I have here as who I am.. to organize myself and my efforts.. to prioritize that which is most urgent as the emergency/emergent points coming up for myself and everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as my time here on earth to the best of my ability, to not hold back within sorting out the numbers that all of life- including mine- is reduced to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my life as the numbers of time, that is also equating money and space, as this is the "life on earth" as the "time unfolding" of my finite existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reducing and deducing my life to numbers because I wish/want/believe I am more than this, even though I have not accepted and allowed that to be true of others as the system reflects back to us - I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be ruled by/as numbers that are computed within machines - we are data points in statistics where we are understood in/as/through equations - and yes, we are organic robots.. and yes, reality as this physical responds to mathematics.. the numbers have effect, the numbers come out to a real difference, and the numbers when changed result in a change - not that numbers cannot be manipulated - but where the math is done correctly, the result is certainty/ascertained/measured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than life, less than me, and to believe/think/feel that to see this life within numbers is reducing life/myself/others to numbness/numbing as the word number says - we become number through the number, the numbers have been designed with a program of death/dead/coldness/lifelessness/lack of sensation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb myself with numbers,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than, as if they are lower life forms that are not as important, and as if they're this boring/tedious/mechanical process in life that we just need to understand run our world but treat them as if they're not part of the things they make possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scheduling my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear planning out my day, my calendar, my life, or an event because I will have to figure out times and places and actions which includes logistics/mathematics and putting my life into an equation and a timeline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be designed for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for designing my life and to blame others for my life not going the way I wanted it to, despite me not taking responsibility for the most basic parts of the design process as the numbers (time/money/space) that make everything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life is a mess because I did not realize that everything has a time and a place, that unless I space and pace it all according to priority and I act on the design of my plotting/planning it.. it will not suddenly, magically "sort itself out".. it will always be sorted out according to space/time in which I act accordingly to "figure it out" and "get my shit together" and "shape up" - all of those words indicating an organization of my efforts and what is within me and my reach.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that looking at how my life has currently become organized within/as the numbers of time, money, space, and the events/actions is how I begin organizing my life in detail. How it is right here is how it is organized, how it has all come together haphazardly, without my awareness, as I have unconsciously moved throughout this world without standing as the point of responsibility for those numbers completely...
Through looking at all of this, my organs are receiving the coordinates of my life that I can then use to improve my coordination with the rest of myself. It is like hand-eye coordination, where if I do not look at the coordinates, I cannot adjust my hands or my eyes to move things properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating a system for me to live my life effectively and to instead walk into the design placed for me, that I can further abdicate responsibility for myself/my life and others within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the accounting for my life in numbers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone else controlling me with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any time as "free time" as there is no such thing as "free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as rushing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as getting away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time is moving too fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be able to do everything I want to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am always running out of time and that I cannot finish what I started because my timing is always bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as the experience of bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as off time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation from time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am always running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot finish what I start because I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to do everything now and that whatever I am doing has to take up all my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose track of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck doing one thing all day or for huge portions of my day because I do not keep track of the time or stop to consider the time I am working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the time I have wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what time it is when all of a sudden I remember there is time and that I have to do things at set times, so I might be late for something or have wasted someone else's time or my time and now the day has missing appointments as a disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what time it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do not care what time it is and act/pretend as if I live without time or am effective without paying attention to time.

When and as I see myself experiencing a time issue within me, where what's going on in my life physically or mentally is a reaction to time.. where I am essentially lost, rushing, frustrated, and disappointed... I stop and I breathe. 

I realize I have many symptoms produced from my relationship with time and that one reason my life is in a mess comes down to time.

I realize that I have many time conflicts within my mind because I have rarely or inconsistently practiced scheduling my time... making my own plans.. and adjusting my plans when things do not go according to the plans I create.

I realize that because of my lack of time conscientiousness / planning, I tend to live by the seat of my pants and do things in the moment.. often times missing moments of opportunity despite living this way.. and that this is ineffective. It does not work with others or the system.
 
I realize that if I can put myself in order with regards to time, meaning that I plan my day accordingly with a schedule that I honor because I completely understand why it is the way it is... that I could accomplish many more things in a day and take more responsibility because I will be effectively directing things.

I commit myself to placing a time limit on my actions, giving deadlines to what I must accomplish, and in this/through this being specific with what I know to do. This means that instead of knowing only /what/ I have to do, I will have given myself a /when/ which is also a /where/ for /what/ I have to do. This makes it a preprogrammed event plotted in my timeline, so this makes it a more effective program because now it is scheduled / able to be placed into the plot.

I commit myself to focus on why I am creating my system and to be concise and clear about the why AND the system.

I commit myself to practice creating my day tonight, through making a schedule for tomorrow, and to make creating a schedule for the day(s) to follow part of the schedule each day... so that this is a daily practice to prepare myself for the following days/weeks/months/years ahead.

I commit myself to simplify my process and to remain in my body breathing when creating my plans to support myself with making something effective and straightforward.

I commit myself to clarify myself with questions when I get stuck thinking too hard about what i'm doing when i'm creating my plans for the day(s) as my schedule.

I commit myself to create the absolute best system for myself as my schedule and to understanding everything I need, want, and require to make good on this commitment.

I commit myself to placing everything in my day where it rightfully belongs, not just because I want it there but because I understand it would be best placed at this time / at this place in my day.

I commit myself to this point for 2 weeks to make sure this is done.

I commit myself to show my work in this process and to when i'm done, demonstrate to myself through sharing that what I have done is effective.. like with the memory point where it was clear that I understood something to the point of it having a direct effect when I applied it.