Sunday, December 6, 2020

Consistency and Conflict: Day 10 (6 day absence)

I have not wanted to write recently. I have accepted and allowed myself to go without, even after writing specifically on the consequences of it. Anxiety has built up over the issue and I’ve compounded the point within me. It’s a conflict of interests within me. I did not resolve the conflict or resolve myself to follow through with my commitment to writing. 

My justifications for doing so were I had ‘nothing’ to write about, except that I didn’t want to despite knowing there was things I could write about. I thought it was a waste of time and I would rather go with what I felt the least resistance to. I thought that whatever I wrote would be half-assed shit that wasn’t worth reading. I did not force myself to write because I didn’t want to feel the conflict or see what I was feeling that was causing me so much discomfort inside.

Writing with consistency based on time conflicts with writing based on quality, because when I am too possessed with internal conflict to write one day then my consistency in terms of quality will take a hit.

Am I consistent if I am writing every day but it is not the quality I want to consistently deliver?
It’s a two part equation at the moment from what I can see.
Consistency would be to have both:
A regular time
A standard quality

If I don’t have one, I am likely to lose the other.

Moving to the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to live consistently within writing where I show up at a regular time and write according to my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed conflict within me to build up to the point of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on writing because I can’t seem to get out what’s going on inside in a way that I am happy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to dominate my decision-making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the mood I am in and sacrifice my commitments to myself within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under estimate the issue of energy in the tissue impulsing me and directing my thoughts and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy possession to dictate what I do and do-not.

I forgive myself that I have not created and lived a solution to my instability within emotions and feelings, where I am constantly giving into the energy created from my internal conflict as the cognitive dissonance in my mind.

I forgive myself that I listen to, accept, and allow the emotions and feelings within me that are in conflict as if multiple personalities are waging war over the interests of where I place my attention and what I do with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotional instability, which creates instability in my commitments like in writing- where I fall short of my goals and subtract from the progress I was making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use internal conflict to move and motivate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the conflicts within me unresolved where they build up energy that possesses me and I hope/wish that the ‘good’ side of me wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when the fighting as the internal conflict becomes too much and so I give in to my resistances because it’s easier to just let go of whatever I’m fighting with myself about doing / not doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed giving up as a solution to internal conflict and resistance to doing what is best for all/me + what I have self commitment to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stress I experience from my internal conflict and resistance, because I feel like I’m gonna make bad decisions or go deeper into a spiral.. winding myself too tight like a spring that’s going to explode from tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because I know I’m going to write half-assed shit when I am stressed out, conflicted, and emotionally unstable.

Self-Correction:

When and as I am conflicted within emotions and feelings, stressed out, and unstable.. 
I stop and I breathe.
I consider the mental state I am in and what my body is experiencing.
I consider if the state I am in is too possessed to write at the moment / apply myself within commitment and if it is ‘too much’ for me to handle, also if it is ‘too late’ to do what I committed myself to do.
I consider what I can do if it’s too much or too late, such as walking away to go do something physical and breathe so I can come back to try again.. or if I can simply write less and save myself from breaking the commitment I made for the day. Worst case scenario is I have to do it the next day.

I commit myself to come back and give the writing another go and to shorten the time between walking away and coming back.

I commit myself to, when I give up, to only ‘give up’ temporarily within what needs to be given up...

I commit myself to give up the conflict, the fighting, and the resistance.. in this, I commit myself to keep the writing commitment.. to keep the point I am resisting or fighting.. but not the drama surrounding it.

I commit myself to breathe more, even though I may not be successful at breathing through the possession to a point of clarity or stability every time.. 

I commit myself to learn what it means to effectively breathe through my reactions and be here, finding ground, coming home to myself, seeing me through the resistance and the conflict of the war within.

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes, even if I learn slowly and it takes me many attempts, and to keep making efforts despite my almost immediate and sudden failures within my commitments.

I commit myself to detailing more thorough and self-realistic commitments that reflect a deeper awareness of who I am and what I know about myself.. thus I work with where I am really at and avoid unnecessary frustration and disappointment because I know how often I will fail and how/why + with what I will fail.

I commit myself to directly face what failures already exist within me that I know I will experience and walk through.

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