Paradoxes of Self-Forgiveness or The Reason for it?: Day 9

I have written a few days in a row without the forgiveness statements.
I have resistance to self-forgiveness, despite what I know with absolute certainty about it.
Why do I resist what I know is the most superior advantage in this world?
Because I don't want to forgive, yet I do..
I have vengeful self-hate within me.
I have resentment and distrust.
I am troubled with many things in my mind.
I am conflicted within and do not always carry the peace in my words.
I am at war within my own awareness.
I have cognitive dissonance

Therefore,
How can I forgive in this state of mind?
How can I dare make a statement so contradictory to what i've seen in my heart and mind?
I ask these questions in doubt and will answer for it.

I have seen the way and practiced self-forgiveness with some relief and benefit to my life.
The thing i'm here to resolve is this:
I can't make peace if i'm forgiving me without actually meaning it.
I have seen that self-forgiveness can be insincerely expressed, even when it is correct to express it.

So....
When is Self-Forgiveness actually real?
I have heard the answer to this before, but have to give myself the answer for me to really get it.
I have cognitive dissonance because I have conflict within me when I forgive myself.
That seems paradoxically appropriate and inappropriate.
If i'm forgiving myself, then why the conflict?
Because the reason why IS the conflict.
Yet, the conflict must cease if I am forgiving - right?
What if the conflict does not cease when I forgive?
What if I cannot forgive while I am in conflict?

The first word that comes up for me to begin answering these questions is:
Unconditional.

To unconditionally forgive myself, I cannot just give up forgiving myself because it doesn't feel right.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive myself no matter the condition I am in.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive even when faced with what I believe is unforgiveable - because forgiveness with a condition over when and why I forgive will simply allow to continue the condemned and fallen state I find myself in.. The version of me that needs forgiveness the most is the version I am unwilling to forgive. The reason I would not forgive is the reason I must forgive.

I said I don't want to forgive myself, and yet I do.. because although how I am living does not currently reflect perfect self-forgiveness.. there are many indications in my existence and the one we share that reflect a desire for self-forgiveness. I recognize the want to forgive myself as an answer I don't want to hear. It's the solution to the pain, the debt, and the charges against myself. The want to escape can be seen as the want to forgive. The want to let go and relax is a reflection of the desire to forgive. You can give the motion many different names, but self-forgiveness is in essence what it can be reduced to. The mechanism of release and the ability to just be and reflect on self's existence is the same. 

Self-Forgiveness is the specific name of the act that is most resisted, though, because it carries a lot of bullshit... paradoxically, this is because it also carries the exact nature of the solution to the bullshit within us. It is how we can reveal and sort through ALL the shit within us.

Then, What is Self-Forgiveness without All the Bullshit?
I resist forgiving myself because I can get carried away forgiving myself out of desperation for relief.
I resist forgiving myself because I sometimes start using self-forgiveness statements as a way to express emotions and feelings that i'm suppressing.
It can become an exercise in confession disguised as self-help.
It can look like i'm working on my self when I am just fueling the fire.
When I find myself using it as an opportunity to express things I would otherwise keep buried, it can become a guilt-ridden session with myself where i'm venting all the things troubling me in hopes that it changes something. Then, it is just wishful thinking.

What is the problem with that?
It's what I do with it upon reflecting on the statements or when I don't reflect on the statements at all. It's what I do immediately after the statements and what fruits do the words bear. I notice that I often want to just get things out into the open and that's it, but that's not enough for me deep down. I want there to actually be something that comes out of these words that is best for me. When the statements only further cement me into feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and sorrow.. it's just another thinly veiled disguise for self-abuse.

Self-Forgiveness without the Bullshit is when I take Responsibility for the Bullshit and do not Accept or Allow myself to be Deluded by my Words and thus Dilute my Words to Ineffectiveness. 

It is to be Self-Honest by Taking my Time with what I Write, to make things Right within the Writing.. that means I look at what is Wrong with what I am Expressing in the Forgiveness and to Correct it = Writing is the Righting. 

What I mean by look at what is Wrong is to see where I am using Self-Forgiveness as another tool of Abuse and to see what in my writing is full of crap that needs to be investigated. It is to look into what I can identify that is in Error of my Principles and what within my programming is at cause for the issues I am experiencing, acting out, and manifesting that are not Best for All.

What I mean by make things Right is to Write the Corrections that Correct according myself according to the Principle of What is Best for All as that is the Core of the Solutions to this Life. What is Best for All is also to be Investigated for what is Wrong with that within me as well.

What I mean by Taking my Time is Pacing myself Slowly and Deliberately when Writing - to Stop the Rush of Energy that is to be in a Hurry and Read Carefully what I am Placing into Physical/Digital Space.

What I mean by being Self-Honest is to Question myself about the Words I am Using that Reflect the Nature of Who I Am and to then Answer myself about What I See Directly in my Words - to Read Between the Lines and Identify my Intent and Purpose within what I am Writing WITHOUT Excuse, Justification, or Judgment of what I am Writing.