Starting Point Self-Forgiveness: Day 3

Self-Forgiveness on what came up within me while writing and reading my previous 2 days:

Reference point for where to start is on Day 1,

"If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart."

Self-Forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop working with the tools and material.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from the opportunity to face myself and know myself better than I ever have before. 
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather figure things out in my mind and through consequences rather than through a process of working through my programming to understand and sort things out within structure and according to principles.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this pattern in me I am facing did not start with Desteni, because what Desteni represents is myself and the process of getting to know myself, face myself as my fear, understand how I work, and change. It is what Desteni stands for about myself that I fear. I went into reaction about what Desteni represents to me. It is a gift.
7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear to define me.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from process in my mind.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that I could "leave" process, because I thought that no longer using the tools or participating with the individuals would mean I wasn't part of this process. 
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can leave when I am always here with all that is here, even if I don't fully realize it or see it.
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inconsistencies.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the idea of leaving, like I have abandoned myself as a coward.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear. (changing the wording from previous statement)
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within fear as hiding.
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide out of fear.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others out of fear.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from my fear of myself.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing myself.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I already know about myself.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid beginning my journey to life and starting this process within Desteni fully because of my fear/ my ego.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get in my way of living life.
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as doubt.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as uncertainty.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferiority.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a quitter.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a coward.
29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in relationships.
30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I don't know anything and ignore what is going on that I am aware of like an ostrich with it's head in the ground.
31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within relationships.
32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself.
33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and getting to know myself.

Self-Commitment

1. I see that this process existed since the beginning, before Desteni we didn't have access to certain dimensions and therefore information, we didn't have specific vocabulary to see and understand exactly what is/was going on, and because of what had been applied by every being in existence up until that point - we were fucking ourselves blindly and in ways we couldn't imagine. The gift of Desteni is specificity, completeness, totality, and practicality.
   
2. I realize that I am Here = I am Still Here, as I always was Here.. when I thought I was Gone, therefore a Goner, because where I walked was through my mind without the support of these tools.
   
3. I commit myself to stop this thought, this idea that I can "leave" or that I will be "gone" if I walk without the tools and to question why I would entertain the idea of not using what I have to support myself. The tools, material, principles, and message of Desteni is with me forever - I cannot unsee or forget. This idea is of separation.
4. I commit myself to examine this separation within me where I am not equal to and one with Desteni + the tools, principles, material, people, and message that is in the Desteni name - to then question and forgive this separation.
5. I commit myself to stand equal to and one with/as Desteni in my name as my body, being, and mind... to embrace it as myself and understand it as such that I will not accept and allow these ideas that are but separations of myself from what is here that I have encountered. I recognize myself as Desteni. I recognize myself in the words that are written and spoken. I stand with them.
   
6. I commit myself to relearn what I already know and remind myself of what I already know to apply it. I have walked a process already that I have learned from and I will apply these lessons.
7. I commit myself to learn what self-commitment means to me such that I understand self-commitment and can therefore live it and consider my commitments to myself with clarity.
8. I commit myself to face my fears and educate myself on them that I may transcend them instead of become their slave as a coward by first writing out what specific fears I have that are holding me back the most (like sharing myself and putting myself out there).
9. I commit myself to stand up for myself when I am abusing myself in my mind with backchat and negative emotions that run through me like a river of doubt, shame, fear, and uncertainty to suppress my self expression and self expansion, to in this standing up for myself say "no more. no more self victimization, self-punishment, regret, and pity - I am here to support myself in all ways that I may be, do, give, and have the best in this life."
10. I commit myself to patience in walking my process, patience being that knowingness and gentleness with which I carefully work with myself to build trust with me. I am aware of pitfalls previously walked, dangers of self sabotage I may face again, and the time involved in missing nothing that I can see self-honestly.
11. I commit myself to use the resources available to me to support myself thoroughly, because I have found that there was an audio, an article, a person, a tool, or a perspective that could have helped me with a point I was facing or a mistake I have made or an illusion I was in.
12. I commit myself to clear my starting point and define my purpose by reading, writing, and investigating the words I read and write about this.
13. I commit myself to knowing myself instead of creating confusion in my mind about who I am.