Monday, March 14, 2022

(Re)Starting Point: Day 1

What should I examine first?

The starting point; why I am here, where I am coming from, my reason for beginning, the qualities of my first step.

It's all here as me/with me. What does that mean? I look at myself/my experience while I also look at this page I am filling with words. Here in my body, mind, and being is the direct answer to my starting point. To what degree i'll be able to access the most important points for myself to examine, I am not certain, although I can certainly access what's in my face - that's the interface/surface of my programming. 

I am here because I am still fucked and I want to be free. I am here writing this because I want to support myself again within writing. I am here because I know if I can balance myself and my time within using all the tools available in this process, I will become the person I dream of.

As i've grown older, I see that I was preprogrammed to fail miserably in life with great potential held in front of me like a carrot stick. 

If I don't walk this process and have to return to my preprogramming, I will struggle to reconcile the lost opportunity and the thought of what if I had walked this process fully.

I understand that everyone is always in process, so this idea that I could have left it or that I have yet to walk any sort of process is just an idea. To walk with the tools, the material, and the message is still quite different than to go without the detailed awareness of what is happening.

If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart.

This isn't all written in order, these are the elements of the pattern.

Going into a memory:
In the beginning, facing the points Desteni material shares - I feel terrified. It is over my head. I study hard. I want to figure this out. I am perplexed, puzzled, but know this is the answer. I don't know how this could all be known, how this could all have happened. I feel insignificant. Not only do I lose everything i've known, I learn how I am a piece of shit in my own mind. I understand now that there are layers of interpretations and reactions here which the material is not responsible for - but in the beginning, when I started, it was like I was having deep existential criticism imparted on me. I went into existential dread for years. It wasn't all bad, because I saw the potential of life in those words. I read some words that freed my mind from things I didn't even know were trapping me.

Where then is the fall for me? I couldn't read. I couldn't see. I wasn't clear. All of the details of how I was fucking up ran rampant in my mind. I feared for my life after death, just in the context of a new religion that I was creating in my mind for what I had found. Then came the others, the world at large that was not "in-the-know". I passionately shared what I was learning and received silence from my world. In the silence and after it; the skepticism, judgment, ridicule, gossiping, and betrayal began. I perceived myself as persecuted for my new religion and my behavior was branded as cult-like. I must have accepted the branding because it seeded doubt in me.

I was in denial at the time, but what I have learned since then is that I have been a prisoner to other's minds- their thoughts of me mattered more to me than who I am to myself. I spent much time in the mirror of their words in my own mind, reacting to them. I suppressed this point because I believed or wanted to be someone who doesn't give a fuck and I acted like it didn't matter. Behind the suppression, I was unclear of the words I was standing in front of, unclear of my self, and in fear of how my world was changing before my eyes. I was alone within a world given to me through the internet. A world not visited by anyone I know in real life. A world rejected and resisted, even though it is the only one I was able to find gifts to free myself, to make life easier, and actual answers that were consistent across time. 


I stopped writing to look into EQAFE interviews and found this:
Being Destonian the World Matrix

This was supportive to my writing because it brings up the dimension of how people behave with their religions. I had a lot of reactions listening to this interview where I was very uncomfortable having a look at how I have lived in relationship to Desteni. The word RELIGION stands out to me, from my writing and from this interview. I have been an Observer of Religion. I Observe Desteni as my Religion and I am uncomfortable, shy, unsure of sharing about my religion. It is like the memories that exist collectively of religion are my experience of Desteni, where everyone with a religion has another world they bring into this one and we all keep our religions largely to ourselves. Not everyone does, but many certainly do, and in the interview it talks about participants and observers. My pattern has been to keep most of it to myself because what I believe might be received in a way I don't want it to. I want it to be received in the light I see it. When someone else doesn't see it that way or attacks it, I go into reactions.

Will continue this post in the next one.

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