Not in the Clear yet: Day 12

 It's been 22 days since I posted last and I had good ground I made in the first 2 weeks after writing. I started pitching, the clubhouse hasn't exactly grown but we are getting others to use the tools, and I started work at my new job. It is hard physical labor so I have given in to the point of being physically tired even though I have enough energy to do stuff. Some other shit with money came up and there has been stress regarding money lately. I have let go of my consistency that I was developing. I was getting hot and then went cold. I don't know where to start with this blog so i'll just begin with points relevant now and going back to my starting point for this process, pitching people, growing my clubhouse, and using the tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no energy after work to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my tools and stop applying myself when I get stressed or when I am mentally tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have enough time to walk my process every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let up on my momentum when the going gets good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse inconsistency in my business, like not pitching every week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because I have worked all day and want to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things aren't going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because I don't see immediate results from pitching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because there are more problems and I have more responsibility now that I have taken another step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop writing my blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop reading Journey to Life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know how to help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot solve my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe none of this is going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to negate my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally check out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go absent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on putting myself out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on pitching people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on selling TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on making videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on growing my clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into addictions and distractions when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into patterns of self sabotage when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear returning to my old preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear quitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not using my tools and forgetting to use them multiple days in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my process up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am disorganized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'm self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed.

When and as I see myself slipping away from walking my process and actually applying myself (going out pitching every week for example), I stop and I breathe.. I realize that I procrastinate using my tools until the very last moment where I often don't follow through because of some excuse like not feeling like it, being tired, wanting to do something else, it being too late.. and because of that I end up slipping and letting it slip by me.. whether that is coming home and not wanting to pitch because it is late in the day or not using TechnoTutor at night because it is bed time or i'd rather watch Peaky Blinders or play PUBG..

I realize and see this pattern and how already on the way home I start to go into this tiredness from working in the heat and feeling worn down physically + mentally. I realize the mental tiredness isn't real and I do have some remaining physical energy, so I could make a different choice.

I commit myself to making a different choice in those moments where I see the time is moving on in the day and it is getting to that moment where if I don't do it now, I probably won't do it and if I do = it will be one of the very last things I do in the day where I just want to get it over with.

I commit myself to not taking my time for granted by realizing that moments come in the day as opportunities and they don't come again after a certain point in the day.

I commit myself to taking these moments of opportunity when they show up and making the decision that is hard for me because of my mind and my excuses/justifications/desires to do something else that is not the best / not in the direction of progress.

I commit myself to stop participating in the desires to do something else that is easy, that is a simple pleasure of distraction, when I still have business and responsibilities like process to attend to.

I commit myself to go pitching tomorrow after work once I have showered and to not sit down or lay down where I know I will have a moment where I allow my mind to take control as my preprogramming and direct me to a distraction of pleasure.

I commit myself to forgiving myself in my mind, in the notes in my phone, out loud, in writing, or by typing when I see the excuses/justifications/desires come up within me that stand directly in the way of me applying myself more(doing TechnoTutor, reading blogs, writing blogs, etc) - putting myself out there (pitching/making videos/messaging people/building my clubhouse) because instead of accepting and allowing all these thoughts to go through me and accumulate into a wall or stagnation, I could practice self-forgiveness and removing these thoughts/programs/feelings from me.

I commit myself to realize that I am the key to everything if I would simply apply myself and that I do not have to feel a certain type of way or be in a certain mental state to do the work.

I commit myself to do the work implied and involved in walking my process.

I commit myself to becoming more and more consistent in what is best for me and what is best for all as writing, application, self-forgiveness, community-creation, and building my business.

I commit myself to push myself when I least want to.

I commit myself to do the hard things, meaning to do what I know is best instead of what I want to do which is often a distracting pleasure.

I commit myself to make the best decision even when it is hard.

I commit myself to unlearning my bad habits.

I commit myself to trusting myself to do what is best instead of what is easy.

I commit myself to move forward despite the doubt and to work harder instead of waiting for something to work out the way I want it to before continuing to do more.

I commit myself to stop complaining within myself