Memories of Hardship in Walking Process: Day 13

 This is in the spirit of clearing my starting point further with all things related to process.
No support from anyone, only resistance and devil's advocates. A small handful of people, like a girlfriend and a cousin, that ride with me then fall away eventually. No one adopts the purpose or the principles truly for themselves. I struggle to be the example I want to see and to attract or surround myself with the people I want in my life. I don't connect with anyone in the group. I am a stranger and or alienated everywhere, perhaps totally by my own behavior and in my own mind. Process, purpose, and principles are lost in the back of my mind. I silently introspect and practice my limited understanding in thought, word, and deed. Debatably, it could be mostly if not all conceptual. If process is measured by how many people I get to walk their process, I don't measure up at all. If process is measured by whose lives I have impacted by my example to change something within themselves, I have made some progress.

If it is about the quality of life of those lives I have touched and where they are now as a result, then I am ashamed but I am also uncertain within that. I don't know how anyone would say I have changed or impacted their life. I can imagine more than a few that would say something nice, but if it was simply based on how I made them feel, that could very well mean nothing. They may not even know how to measure the impact of someone else on their life. How is that measurable? What do we measure? Is it how they see themselves and the world? Did I gift them a new understanding that serves them in their thinking, in their word, and in their actions? Did I help them bring tangible results to their life for the better? Did I support them to treat others the way they want to be treated effectively? I cannot see the current day results of my seeds. I can see the moments I was in their life and the communications and connection we had. I can see the engagement. I can see moments of self-expression. Did that change their circumstances? Did that change their ability to overcome the odds? 

There is the potential that this will all just be remembered in my name and not as who they are. That my efforts were in vain. Like who I am will be/become another memory and not a re-membering of who they are. The word vain is interesting to me in this. Empty. Useless. Producing no result. Having an excessive worth of myself when I am just another person on this planet. This isn't what I wanted for myself or for anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in depression brought up from the memories I have accumulated of all the relationships I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of potential that came with the relationships I created in my life that went with the relationship once things ended with the other beings in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the sadness and depression that I experience when looking at my life in memories of all the friends, family, partners, animals, internet friends, and potential-friends that I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot and will not have any friends as long as I walk process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always lose relationships in my life because of what I am part of, participating in, and pushing in this world as the Desteni principles, process, tools, message, and community.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing this all alone, walking process by myself without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot make friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life in vain, having no effect on anything or anyone.. being completely useless and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an alien.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to estrange myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an outcast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how many people follow me and listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my lack of results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my ineffectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not participating in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not joining me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not joining and participating in Desteni, TechnoTutor, and anything related to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join because of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire credit for changing someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to save someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a savior, a messiah, or some hero.

(Random side note insight: Bernard was always looking at your starting point and speaking to that, so there are many actions we could take that would be of benefit to ourselves or others - things we can do externally, to manifest with action, to create the change physically that we want to see that is best... but he was always looking at the starting point of the action or the thought because the starting point determines everything... so even if the act was practical, good, and something worth considering.. the starting point corruption would taint the result.. the end result would reveal the original intent.. so he was always revealing, challenging, and pointing to the starting point where we have fucked up everything. Change your starting point - change everything... thus this post and my initial ones will be what I always come back to.. because growth is self-reflexive, just like fibonacci sequence shows.. you reference what was before and add it up to/as/with what is here... self-forgiveness in reflection of the starting point clears the way for this growth.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have had no impact on anyone's life, or an impact that is worth noticing/recognizing/measuring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my mind has created a complex narrative that I participate in and helped create - I created it as my mind/body/being - and because of my participation in this creation, I have given it credence.. I have given it value.. I gave it the starting points.. I gave the initial validation to the axioms/assumptions/premises for it and so I buy into it more and more as I build on top of the beliefs that started it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible case/scenario in my mind happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being against the whole world and the whole world against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear devil's advocates, someone taking the opposite side of everything I share/express/state/assert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ganged up on, verbally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand and being attacked for it, no one standing up with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand on my own for a long time and enduring lots of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear setting a bad example for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not an example and that I am unworthy of standing up to set an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cowardly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my popularity with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my worth by my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by who I am in relationship to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how I treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe life is about relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with others because the sharing doesn't always go as I expected it to, with what I am sharing being received differently that I intended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as the failure to effectively share with others to all of our benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up sharing myself with others because it has gone poorly before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and being mistreated when I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and no one receiving it as important to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what is important to me is not important to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop caring because everyone else has stopped caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform with the abuse, suppression, and self-censorship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be met with celebration, embrace, and engagement when I share something important to me, that I am passionate about, and that I have purpose in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as this experience of being shut down, ignored, and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no one listening to me when I speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never be understood.