Echolocating - Day 1: "Day 17"

Last post 5 months ago, July 28th, 2022.

Echolocating myself and my point to forgive.
(Echolocating? wtf..)
This will read like a self-dialogue of taking mental/physical inventory for investigation


I write on paper next to my computer:
"I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing
myself to..."

My chest feels tension in the middle just below my sternum, like my heart and lungs are wincing, and I take a labored breath.

Echolocate: using sound to triangulate a position, like a cell tower or a bat, to sound out where I am by testing the feedback of the inputs; what comes back to me from my transmissions.. words are pockets of sound and I can find where I am in my mind/body through a use of a number of words that reveal more about me and where I am. 

Questions:

Where am I?
Why am I here?
What is stopping me?
What do I forgive?
Why do I forgive myself?

- In my mind, in my apartment, in my reactions, in front of my computer, on my blog about to write self-forgiveness.
- I want to forgive myself. I want to be honest so I can stick with it. I want to grow. I want to take more responsibility. I want to change. I want to learn. I want to understand.
- My mind, my reactions, my memories, my lies, and how it has all accumulated
- Myself for my addictions that I use to escape facing myself, myself for my fears that I hide behind, myself for making everything impossible with my specialized excuses and justifications.
- Because I understand it is the solution to the heavy burdens I am carrying, because I will feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally if I forgive myself to change, because life sucks without forgiving myself and everything becomes a struggle as i'm mentally tormented unnecessarily.

What can I forgive myself for right now that will have the greatest impact on the well-being of my body, mind, being, and the life around me?
What is the most important event in my life I can forgive myself for right now?

- I think of wrongs in my previous relationships:
Could it be cheating? The pain I live with from previously failed relationships...
Then another thought hit me harder; my failure to walk this process with Desteni as I should have AND my failure to, thereafter, walk my process successfully with TechnoTutor. The biggest grief looming over me is feeling like a failure within what I see is my purpose with these groups that changed my life.

They were my only chances I had, that is how I experienced it, and I + my life was nothing without them and getting on board with them.

My life improved dramatically practicing self-forgiveness, learning and applying the principles, defining/redefining/living words, expanding my vocabulary, and reading + listening to the material..

Then I sabotaged myself within a relationship and drug addictions again.

It was finding my foothold in this process that supported me.

Now it is the memories of how everything went wrong, over and over again, that stops me because I won't dare go there again.. I won't dare challenge certain things in a relationship again.. I won't dare put myself out there, stick my neck out for anything or anyone, and would rather remain silent and suppressed so as to not have to suffer the pain of failure and betrayal again. I would rather, and have, become spiteful.. angry.. skeptical... hateful... depressed.. miserable.. and isolated.
___________

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate self forgiveness.

As I wrote this sentence, slowly, I was seeing that from the beginning with how I learned to forgive myself... i've complicated the process going so quickly and wanting the best statement to follow the initial words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing..." where it was always about what came after those words. I did not see like I did just now in writing that sentence that the process is in writing those initial words and learning to work with/ apply what comes in writing them.

A set of memories comes up about this, Bernard memories. Portal memories. The blogs, the articles, the echochamber of self-forgiveness material written by beings with access to themselves and dimensions I have yet to access in this life. 

The compulsion to delete as many things I could see wrong would take over and I would want to write self-forgiveness for anything that came to mind. The words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing" or "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" pounded out over and over like a child in detention writing on a chalk board until he was freed for his wrongdoing.

I want the punishment to be over.

Is that what it means to forgive myself? Is that how I WANT to forgive myself?
 
No, I don't. 

I have to redefine, rethink my approach, and do it again.

And I have to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my memory of how process used to be with Bernard around and all the Self-Forgiveness statements being pounded out by various beings to influence my application of Self-Forgiveness as Myself, where I would attempt to write my self-forgiveness as they did.. not realizing that merely adopting the format and writing statements that sounded and looked similar to theirs is not how I stand one and equal and totally integrate myself because I have to break things down,, pull them apart,, and put them back together where I am at, with what I understand, and how I look at things, etc... meaning, I had many points of reactions or genuine curiosity to bring up and investigate within my application.. and that would substantiate my application to a point of satisfaction where as constant copying of other's material/style would not.. because people like Bernard or the beings through the portal arrived to their specific application through many factors they walked personally to understand... and though their statements stand and support.. I have to write as myself, as I exist now, and work with my programming.