"I forgive myself": Day 2

 (Inspiration from latest EQAFE interview on Self-Forgiveness)
Continuing last blog.
I am going to describe what I do here step by step.

I am cleaning up my programming within each part of the statement, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing.."

This means breaking down what comes up including questions I feel I haven't asked or ones that recur most often, answering my own questions to the best of my ability, reflecting on the beneficial, sometimes god-like, claims about self-forgiveness, cognitive dissonance about forgiving myself (I don't want to forgive the good things!, etc), and exploring the perspective in which i've learned about self-forgiveness to test if I understand the point Desteni emphasizes.

I'll be taking note of physical sensations, posture, plus my emotions/feelings, thoughts, backchat, judgments, beliefs, expectations, images, fears, my approach, and the results or what I see as lack of results.

The understanding i'm using here is that although i'm applying the letter and word of self-forgiveness in the structured format of this process.. I am also applying my programming that comes up when writing, speaking, and reading self-forgiveness. An example is that when applying self-forgiveness, what triggered me to actually sit down to write it or think it/"say it" inside myself? What is my starting point for beginning the application? I have noticed before that it's often fear.

I am forgiving myself because I am afraid of consequences. I am afraid of suffering more intensely. I want to avoid the consequences of feeling any longer. Because the expectation or belief is that self-forgiveness will free me from having to face consequence for what I am doing, for who I am, for what I have said, for what I think. The expectation or belief is that the self-forgiveness in itself will change my experience. 

Thus, it's about my application and the programs that automatically apply as part of the statement. Imagine running a virus scanner on a computer program. Does it work as expected? If not, why? If so, why? How well do I understand myself as my tool? User error is expected when you're new, but even for those like me who have done the same thing many times.. we all have a degree of err in our way to investigate as we take so much for granted and overlook details.

Consider this a learning experience in troubleshooting the tools of change.

Onto making good on what i've set forth:

"I forgive myself"
- I wrote this down, typed it, said it out loud, thought it, and read it.

First thing that comes up is when I said it: the fear of others/judgment for being weird because of how I said it or because it's like "why am I doing this?".
For context, my wife is sitting on the couch and although she has heard me do self-forgiveness, this is a fear I have: others knowing I forgive myself in detail, out loud, and repeatedly.

It is because I judge myself for it, like it's a shameful, secret compulsion.
I fear on some level it may lead to a conversation about Desteni (fear of conflict, fear of more severe judgment, fear I can't stand up for myself), but even if I removed Desteni from the equation there is also the fear of being openly vulnerable like I am admitting guilt and wrongdoing to anyone who can hear me.

Judging myself from their perspective:
The guilt and shame being abnormal because it's "so severe" that I have to forgive myself out loud. With no context for understanding it's like I am saying a prayer or confession out loud or doing a mantra.

Note: Judging myself from their perspective in advance is still just me projecting my self-judgment, even if it is what they would think, and is how I set myself up to go through that experience anyway.

I have this memory of the compulsions I would experience during a bout of psychosis in my teens where I had to do something my mind was telling me OR ELSE. It is that same sort of dangerous fear I felt, where I was on the verge of a compulsive action and i'd be so terrified but i'd go through with it anyways and open up a can of worms for myself because my compulsions were actually batshit. I knew something was off about what I was going to do, but did it anyway. I knew nobody would understand, but did it anyway. I paid a price for it.