Build the Business: Day 3

 I am about do my first door knocking session within the hour of writing this.
As the moment approaches, the fear kicks in and starts building up.
I won't be able to change it all just by writing, so I am only here to write in support of myself in the action.
The education that will lead to certainty and sharing, eliminating my fears and doubts, comes from due-action, from doing action. 
Education = Due action.
I am pursuing a real education when I take action.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear building my business by taking action through door knocking, where I would rather "build the business" through "building the business mind" at home where my education is first and foremost informational. Information is useful but in itself doesn't produce the results, so it is of utmost importance to go where my level of education is truly revealed and developed = in practice as due-actions, doing the actions as/when they're due to produce the intended result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear getting out of control and causing me to sweat, stutter, freeze, or act weird/awkward as i'm door knocking or talking to the people behind the doors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my tools which will support me when I use them to deal with the internal experiences of fear, emotions/feelings, backchat, and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself too seriously as a fear of fucking things up and taking things personally because I have high expectations for myself and want this to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as serious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself when door knocking and talking to people because I want to project a certain self-image to them and worry they won't see me that way if I lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the people whose doors I knock on to see me a certain way and to accept me, like me, and be interested in what I have to offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be liked and accepted.

______

I door knocked after writing the first part of the blog 2 days ago. I have about a half hour before I go out door knocking again today. The anxiety builds up on the day of and it's the waiting to do it that exacerbates the experience. The fear is still present when door knocking, but going through with it again and again, it becomes other things like adrenaline, excitement, funny, ridiculous, flustered, and it's like different stages or waves with new experiences accompanying them. I felt like I walked through a house of distorted mirrors. Right now I am more settled and confident I will do this, that I will walk out the door, and that i'm not going to quit, but the feeling in my chest is like "I know i'm going to look stupid/feel stupid and maybe embarrass myself". Which, I actually don't know that, I know I felt stupid or like a bit confused last time. I didn't know how the script would flow from me and my heart would jump out of my chest at first, so I wasn't sure if I was going to get the words out of my mouth or if I would freeze. I was afraid I was going to be incapacitated or too handicapped by the fear and my emotions to function properly to get it done. BUT I did it and I kept composure to where I don't think I looked stupid. So, I could come across to them way different than I am seeing myself, judging myself, and how i'm feeling about myself. 

I almost backed out of working today because it was pouring rain earlier and it was a convenient excuse my ego wanted to use to not have to do anything today.
I got support from Jewell which he freely offered and that helped ground me and get my head on straight to do the work that is necessary for the business.

Anyway, I am here to face and transcend my fear of generating leads for my business, to find one potential client, book a presentation, and have an impact on my local community that is best.
I am here to do the act that builds my trust in myself to build my business and have the impact that is best for my community.


Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take convenient excuses to not have to do the work to build my business and make money, such as when it was pouring rain, where it would not have been best to work in the rain but because that was true, it was perfect for me to use as an excuse and get away with it. I see myself though and know that I was abusing it to not have to do the work and face my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to reside in my body, in my chest, and become comfortably situated in that experience of fear, allowing my fear to dictate what I will do and what I will not do - even to what extent I will/will not do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself as fear from exposure, from challenge, from removal, and to hide myself as my fear in silence within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the operation of self-sabotage within me in silence, where I see this secret activity in me as the energies, thoughts, emotions, and imaginations moving within me, experiencing them, as they concoct a story and give me instruction on what to do or what not to do to "be safe", to "not panic", to "not go into the fear, just stay away". Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fear and the self-sabotaging operations I see within my mind, where I am pushing them away or pushing them down, to ignore them as the time approaches for me to do the thing I am in fear of and going into self-sabotage about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support myself living in fear within my mind and sabotaging all my efforts to build my business, challenge myself, grow in my process, and LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when I am walking up to a door.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to door knock.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick thinking about door knocking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings getting hurt.

__________

I just got back from doing door knocking. A couple things got in the way before I could go at my allotted time. When I finally got back home, I went and knocked a whole street. I was shocked at some people's reaction and at how quickly I would give up or refuse to push something that I could have pushed. I was also a bit disappointed at my ability to think on my feet and to give the whole pitch and introduce myself correctly. The first house with kids I knocked on, the mother answered and was kind but quiet. They had kids right there with them and said she didn't think they needed it. I just said "that's perfectly okay, thank you." and left. The other house with kids, she said, "oh my kiddos aren't at that age yet, sorry.". "that's perfectly okay, thank you". I could have said something about kids developing to the level of their parents, but didn't. I didn't think on my feet. I let it go. First sign of resistance and I bounced. Another day, a grandma answered. I mentioned doing assessments for people who have kids, and she said, "I don't have kids in the house." - "okay that's perfectly okay, thank you.". There was kids toys on the porch so I know she was a grandma. I didn't push it or ask for a referral. Last house with kids: "I'm not sure we need that, my kids are in private school and they're excelling in what they do." AND THEN the kid complained cause HE wanted to do the assessment. He wanted her to change her mind. I said, "Are you sure? Not even to see where they're at?" - nope. I tried to even use the kids reaction on her because it was funny and I thought it'd be an obvious pain point, she's denying that her kid even wants to see. 

Yeah, so that's the summary of the doors that answered. In 30 minutes a lot came up for me to face and I could fill up a few blogs just on that small time frame. 

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on persuading someone to book an appointment the moment they give me a sign of resistance or disinterest, choosing to say, "that's perfectly okay" and moving on as an easy way of avoiding potential conflict or discomfort for myself . Being happy to just have knocked the door and offered the assessment without pitching them or anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent with a little effort to pitch someone, but little to no effort in persuading them beyond their objection, resistance, dismissal, or disinterest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear challenging the parents who answer the door about their excuse, disinterest, dismissal, resistance, and/or objection when they clearly have kids that could benefit from the presentation/assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up at the first sign of failure or conflict when door knocking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear upsetting the people who answer the door by pushing and to instead be a push over so that neither of us have to become uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger sales resistance unnecessarily in the people who answer the door with my body language, tonality, or word choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be easily stumped by people's excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think quickly on my feet when people give me an objection, a rejection, or a sign of resistance.

Self-Commitments in Next Blog

Business > Money > People: Day 2

There is an equation in the EQAFE series The Soul of Money which talks about the difference in the Elite's programming that makes them effective vs. what most of us have programmed into us. This isn't the original interview that i'm referring to, but it discusses the point: Time = Money

The main point i'm reflecting on here will be about our equations programmed into us, where we simply think about and focus on money. Like always imagining having more money and what we'd do with it, not realizing that focus will bear no fruits and only delude ourselves with fantasies.

I notice in my life that I focus on money and how much I need it when survival mode kicks in.
I inherently believe that fixating on money will motivate me somehow to get it and become more effective at getting it. Instead of realizing that money is created/moved through systems, multiple actions/steps in a process, with structures, products, services, and other people as BUSINESS. 

Q&A'ing myself.

1. Why is it that I then focus on money itself and not business when it comes to "making money"?
   I don't realize that business makes the money, not the focus on money.
2. What don't I understand yet that I would focus on money first?
   That by focusing on actually building the business, money will come and it takes time.
3. What does it look like to be focused on business first, then money, then people?
   I prospect, build relationships with people, pitch everyone I can what my product, service, and business is, then I give presentations, close the people who want to buy, and support them after they buy to make good on the promises I make so they can have a better life.
4. Will I be able to switch focus successfully to building my business long term, consistently?
   Yes, it requires a daily decision and it may take time, but I don't know how much or when.
5. What are the consequences if I do not change this and continue to focus on only money?
   I remain in the system as a 9-5 employee, potentially look for another opportunity, and wonder what-if about what I could have done with this if I made it work. I would probably be stuck in survival mode and doubt, too. I don't think my wife would be happy either that I accepted failure, but neither would I.
6. What if I am able to change my focus and commit to building my business first?
   Then I can start making some real movement in my day-to-day and see some results down the road for my efforts. I will be proud of myself for what I have overcome and I will be able to hold my head high knowing I pushed through where I saw a purpose for myself, my family, and the rest of the world. I will be happy that i'm doing something that makes a difference and that I didn't give up. I will feel more at peace with myself for not ignoring this.
7. What is the importance of the order in Business = Money = People?
   It is the realization that there is an order to things and what I must prioritize. The importance is if the order was any other way then it wouldn't work, like running a program with bad coding.. There are errors which manifest in the relationships as unnecessary failure, dissatisfaction, instability, and incompetence. The money and the people rely on the business, so if it isn't priority then the each part is stressed out because it is in the wrong place.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about building my business and to suppress the point because I don't want to feel the negative emotions from my self-judgment and inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only on money as if that will manifest the money I need, not ever realizing that it was never my focus ONLY on money that made me money. I had to act, I had to communicate with someone, and I had to move myself for more money. It never actually appeared because I was thinking about it. If anything, it emphasized the moments when I received money and made the situations in which I received money seem like strange coincidences or like some special force working for me. My focus on money and needing money as a form of me attempting to manifest it charged those moments I received with a specialness as I was giving it more and more thought. The reality is I worked for money, asked for it, or had money on the way, whether I was aware of it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the delusion of money fantasies where I think about what I would do if I had money but never engage in any practical planning or even a thought of how to make that money for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in what I will do for money, to turning down anything that I see/judge as less than me, even when it is not actually a compromising opportunity. For example, sometimes the job or opportunity is scary for me as it is outside of my comfort zone and i'm not sure of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually doing something i've never done before to get some money and to avoid taking action on a plan or even coming up with a plan of action to start making some money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to start a business and just let every business idea remain an idea in my mind that I think would be nice, because I don't actually want to do anything to make money, I just want someone or something to suddenly happen where I have a ton of money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to build my business even when I did start one, like with TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think about myself and what i'm doing as a business; to treat my life, my relationships, my time, etc. as a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack Business in the Business = Money = People relationship and equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus on everything else that's connected and related to making money, thinking and believing that by focusing on one part that I would be able to make it. Not realizing that nothing is isolated like that and when it comes to money, there are other variables involved in it.


Self-Realization:

When and as I see myself focusing only on money as a way to somehow manifest it, thinking and believing that in my survival mode I must focus on money, as if that is keeping my eyes on the prey/meal I need to hunt and motivating me to get it, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that my focus only on money is not going to produce more money for me in reality.

I realize that money is produced as a result of building a business, putting all of myself into my business, and in that activity where I am providing value through a product or service = I will receive money for my actions as what I am giving to the world daily.

I realize that there is an order of moving parts such as the equation BMP (business, money, people) demonstrate and that my focus must be distributed equally to the whole system of things which produce the desired result.

I realize the importance of building my vocabulary to be able to build my business with clarity as I had no vocabulary for anything business-related until recently in my life, except for random mind crap I have accumulated since I was a child, and thus I do require (re)education to be able to see the points clearly and to be able to take action.

Self-Commitment:

I commit myself to ground myself in the actions of building my business, by specifying this in writing and educating myself more on what is physically required and on what sort of mind-crap I have getting in my way that I have to get out.. and what sort of vocabulary I am missing that is disabling me or limiting me from taking action daily to build my business effectively and effortlessly.

I commit myself to increasing the frequency of my education process on business and business-related material that will specifically support me with becoming successful in selling TechnoTutor, to accumulate the necessary vocabulary to act, speak, and think like a real businessman. Within this commitment, I understand that I must focus on steps to take action and not just study in isolation on my computer or in a book - although the books and internet can help. I commit myself to balance the information study with real application by putting myself out there, building relationships with new people, practicing what i've learned, and receiving the real education of me physically in action towards my goal.

I commit myself to reach out more (like once a week for now) to distributors who are successful just to connect with them and build a relationship with them, to understand who they are and why they do what they do.. what it is exactly that they do.. ultimately to integrate their examples as inspiration and acceleration for the purpose and process of building my business.

Back to Business: Day 1

Business is still relatively dead when it comes to my TechnoTutor process/progress. There are things I showed myself I could do to build the business that I stopped doing, things I do still that are part of building the business that I don't do consistently, and things i've yet to do that would build the business. 

1. What excuses do I have and hold onto, that I believe, accept, and allow without a challenge?
2. What are those things that I could and/or should do to build my business?
3. What within that can I forgive myself for that I would then take action on immediately, near-immediately, consciously and/or unconsciously?
4. What can I realize that would support me into a change that lasts, into taking action consistently, daily?
5. Will I be teachable enough to take action with an open mind to learning from failure?
6. Will I persist despite failure?
7. Will I take action on what I discover from investigating myself in writing?

1. I don't have time. It's going to take time. I want results now, not later, and I won't get results immediately. I have to face my fears of losing (friends, sales, my reputation). I fear getting verbally insulted and having my feelings hurt. I fear feeling failure, rejection, disappointment, incompetent, stupid, foolish, and less-than others. I don't have money for office space. I am in survival mode.

2. Go back out and pitch at the park, door knock, contact somebody for support and guidance on the lead generation, look at office spaces I can rent, contact people over Facebook and messenger, make a post BY ME to promote TT and SP, come up with my story, come up with a script for asking questions..

3. All of it. I am unprepared and so I would likely do the things that I see as preparation first or most immediately. That would be like writing out my story or script for questions, which is what i've not done. I haven't practiced anything. When I forgive myself in detail on some of these things that I get a knot in my stomach thinking about, like door knocking, I could end up doing them that day or the very next day. When I am effective in my self-forgiveness, the physical change is immediate/near-immediate.

4. This might take self-forgiveness to answer, first. What I can see I could realize that would support me into lasting change is that this is simple and I can do it every day, simple doesn't mean easy though and hard doesn't mean undoable or non-repeatable. It typically only means there's some sort of resistance and emotional turmoil troubling me and interfering with me taking action. I can realize that it's actually common sense and there's nothing special for me to develop to be able to do it, although I still must develop the common sense and allow myself to use it. I can realize that this is something I actually want to do and would enjoy who I become by making it a daily part of my life instead of something I forget about with time.

5. I can learn this mentality and appreciate the perspective most needed for the act. Yes.

6. I have and I am still here. The goal is to stand up sooner, to bounce back within a day, a couple hours, and/or in a couple minutes, to let it roll off my shoulders.. forgive myself.. learn from it.. forget about it.. and move forward integrating the lessons. Yes.

7. The is the primary objective of me writing that I will keep it mind at all times. My writing is to affect physical change as well with the equal and one internal change that aligns. Correcting myself in starting point and in action to what is best for me/all. It starts with me and it ends with me. Yes.
I am here to discover what is holding me back, releasing it, changing myself / my experience and my physical action.

____________________

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing excuses to stop me from building my business.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself from building my business, being my own obstacle, enemy, and resistance to changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my fear to be the deciding factor in whether or not I build my business.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reputation I will receive for putting myself out there to grow my business and in turn grow/expand myself into who I will become as a result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the negative experiences as interactions with other people who do not agree with me, want what I have to offer, or like what I have to say/share. With that comes the negative experiences of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and reactions I have towards myself/others and what I am doing/saying and what they are doing/saying, which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also fear those negative experiences as something I simply must face and walk through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insolate myself from any potential situation where I would experience these things in relationship to building my business with TechnoTutor and promoting Self-Perfected as my clubhouse and community.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I do not have time to build my business with/as TechnoTutor and my clubhouse + community of Self-Perfected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want results NOW, to want to make a sale NOW, to want to get money NOW for my efforts and that I resist putting in the time and effort required to get to the point I have results with making sales, with my clients goals, with growing my clientele and community/clubhouse, or with simply using TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want everything with regards to my process and my business and my clubhouse/community to be easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends as a result of building my business, growing my clubhouse, and walking my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having my feelings hurt because I lost a relationship, someone said something mean to me, or I got rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of survival to prevent me from expanding myself by building my business or my clubhouse, because I think/believe I do not have time or money to afford such a thing when I just need to make money with my limited time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply give up on building my business and my clubhouse because it is "too hard" and I am emotionally reacting to it and resisting out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize who I can become in this process as the gift of going through all of this is I get to face myself and all the points within my mind/body that hold me back in life and in the system.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I can forgive myself for the points that come up in the process of building my business and my clubhouse, then those reactions, resistances, fears, experiences, etc. all become gifts in my journey to life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that building my business and my clubhouse IS my process and directly reflects me back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself through building my business and my clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing again if this self-forgiveness works and to not want to face that experience, so I subconsciously/unconsciously self-sabotage by not planning to do any of it or by putting in little effort as an expectation of failure which sets me up to fail.

__
Self-Realization

When and as I see myself facing the point of building my business and/or my clubhouse again. whether that is me physically taking the actions in the moment or just having the awareness of this point dawning on me/emerging again to be considered, I stop and I breathe.

I realize I can change this experience. I can change myself in relationship to it. I can change this relationship with business, with clubhouses, and with other people involved in it.

I realize it is simple and it is common sense. 

I realize it is my mind fucking with me when it seems complicated or "too hard", yet I realize it is not "easy" either - it is neither. It is specific physical actions with relationship to real physical humans who I must communicate with and organize myself.

I realize that I can take this step-by-step in process and work through my mind shit that is physically limiting me / holding me back.
_

Self-Commitment:

I commit myself to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application (taking action aligned with the goal) on this point until it is done and I am moving myself effectively daily.

I commit myself to identify one action today in this writing to do that builds my business when done successfully and in repetition.

I commit myself to talking to one new person this week to prospect for TechnoTutor.

I commit myself to going to my clubhouse we set up for this Sunday and supporting our one clubhouse member who wants to come by giving her exactly what she is looking for.

I commit myself to realizing I can do this in action, to building myself up by placing myself in front of the people and in the situations I must be in to grow and change.

I commit myself to simplifying my process by cutting out bullshit.

I commit myself to taking down notes on all the various backchat and other bullshit that goes through my head about building this business or growing my clubhouse, to forgive it in spoken and written word.

I commit myself to believing in myself and that I can do anything and overcome any obstacle I face.

I commit myself to learning from my failures, which implies my commitment to changing my mentality around the things I will experience and face during this. I will be teachable.

I commit myself to supporting myself through all the self-doubt, fears, insecurities, and backchat that attempts to talk me out of this - to reassure and bolster myself when I feel like I can't do this or don't want to.

I commit myself to realizing that my writings must be followed up with actions and that every word I write has it's conclusion in the physical, where I DO what honors my word.

"I forgive myself" mind-dump Continued: Day 3

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(Stop if this is the first one you've read and see previous blogs before continuing;)

[Step-by-step sharing of me doing this real time.]

!!IMPORTANT!!: DO YOUR OWN WORK* and only read mine as a ~soundboard~ for YOUR OWN WORK, if you are not WATCHING WHAT COMES UP IN YOU TO SUPPORT YOU IN TAKING THE PROGRAM APART USING YOUR OWN HANDS, EYES, EARS, AND MOUTH - THEN STOP READING THIS FUCKING SHIT RIGHT NOW.

*WORK:
- THE PROCESS OF LOOKING INTO YOUR SELF/BODY/MIND AS YOU READ, THEN WRITING OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOU, WITH THE OBJECTIVE OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU ARE READING AS YOUR SELF WHICH IS REFLECTED IN YOUR ABILITY TO 'SAY IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS'. BREAK IT DOWN YOURSELF.

- RESEARCH WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND WHAT YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED.

- RESPONSIBILITY AND INITIATIVE TO ADD WHAT YOU SEE THAT ISN'T BEING SAID HERE EXPLICITLY; TO EXPAND ON THE WORK THAT I CAN'T DO BECAUSE I'M NOT YOU.

- DEFINING/REDEFINING/LIVING WORDS
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"I forgive myself"

Write it down, read it, think it, and hold it in my self.
- I would say it out loud, too, but my mother-in-law is on the couch.

Observing what comes up in my body and reads across my mind:

An echo of thoughts clashing together like conversations in a restaurant, overhearing one before my focus is dominated by another;

"I. - Forgive. - Myself."

Separated like morse code.
What's I? What's Myself?
What does it mean to Forgive?

These initial thoughts are inspired by the eqafe interview.
"Forgive" stands out to me as needing a definition.

Looking at the statement again, there's this empty feeling of not knowing what to do with this.

' "I" and "Myself", they are too simple to require any rework; how would looking into these improve the quality and effect of my Self-Forgiveness? '

Flash thought as I wrote that backchat out:
"Effect - to improve effect, look at the Cause for doing it."
What is the Cause of Self-Forgiveness for me?

- I am taking inventory of what comes up before taking action on it, like answering my own questions.

- I am listening to music as I write this, thought this is important to add because it could be influencing what comes up for me.

"I forgive myself" (wrote it out again)

Forgive is centered in I/myself.
The number 3 because 3 words.

Lots of thoughts floating through my head.
This will be a bit of an information dump so I can get it out and continue with what is significant, plus I don't know what may or may not be significant until I look at it all together.

3 = Self (Desteni material reference)
3 = Triangle because 3 points defines one (Imagery came up related to EQAFE interview)
I am forgiving myself - I am for giving my self.
I approve of giving to my self.
 
"I forgive myself" 

Emotions (-): impatience, hate, boredom, blocked, fear, resistance, avoidance, tedious, emptiness, cliche, corny, superficial, meaningless, forgetful, blank, skeptical, grief, tough, painful, endless, impossible, compulsive, obsessive, mental

Feelings (+): bright, hope, open, heavenly, determined, opportunity, freedom, emptiness, light, honest, forthcoming, fortunate, release, relief, relaxed, focused

"I forgive myself": Day 2

 (Inspiration from latest EQAFE interview on Self-Forgiveness)
Continuing last blog.
I am going to describe what I do here step by step.

I am cleaning up my programming within each part of the statement, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing.."

This means breaking down what comes up including questions I feel I haven't asked or ones that recur most often, answering my own questions to the best of my ability, reflecting on the beneficial, sometimes god-like, claims about self-forgiveness, cognitive dissonance about forgiving myself (I don't want to forgive the good things!, etc), and exploring the perspective in which i've learned about self-forgiveness to test if I understand the point Desteni emphasizes.

I'll be taking note of physical sensations, posture, plus my emotions/feelings, thoughts, backchat, judgments, beliefs, expectations, images, fears, my approach, and the results or what I see as lack of results.

The understanding i'm using here is that although i'm applying the letter and word of self-forgiveness in the structured format of this process.. I am also applying my programming that comes up when writing, speaking, and reading self-forgiveness. An example is that when applying self-forgiveness, what triggered me to actually sit down to write it or think it/"say it" inside myself? What is my starting point for beginning the application? I have noticed before that it's often fear.

I am forgiving myself because I am afraid of consequences. I am afraid of suffering more intensely. I want to avoid the consequences of feeling any longer. Because the expectation or belief is that self-forgiveness will free me from having to face consequence for what I am doing, for who I am, for what I have said, for what I think. The expectation or belief is that the self-forgiveness in itself will change my experience. 

Thus, it's about my application and the programs that automatically apply as part of the statement. Imagine running a virus scanner on a computer program. Does it work as expected? If not, why? If so, why? How well do I understand myself as my tool? User error is expected when you're new, but even for those like me who have done the same thing many times.. we all have a degree of err in our way to investigate as we take so much for granted and overlook details.

Consider this a learning experience in troubleshooting the tools of change.

Onto making good on what i've set forth:

"I forgive myself"
- I wrote this down, typed it, said it out loud, thought it, and read it.

First thing that comes up is when I said it: the fear of others/judgment for being weird because of how I said it or because it's like "why am I doing this?".
For context, my wife is sitting on the couch and although she has heard me do self-forgiveness, this is a fear I have: others knowing I forgive myself in detail, out loud, and repeatedly.

It is because I judge myself for it, like it's a shameful, secret compulsion.
I fear on some level it may lead to a conversation about Desteni (fear of conflict, fear of more severe judgment, fear I can't stand up for myself), but even if I removed Desteni from the equation there is also the fear of being openly vulnerable like I am admitting guilt and wrongdoing to anyone who can hear me.

Judging myself from their perspective:
The guilt and shame being abnormal because it's "so severe" that I have to forgive myself out loud. With no context for understanding it's like I am saying a prayer or confession out loud or doing a mantra.

Note: Judging myself from their perspective in advance is still just me projecting my self-judgment, even if it is what they would think, and is how I set myself up to go through that experience anyway.

I have this memory of the compulsions I would experience during a bout of psychosis in my teens where I had to do something my mind was telling me OR ELSE. It is that same sort of dangerous fear I felt, where I was on the verge of a compulsive action and i'd be so terrified but i'd go through with it anyways and open up a can of worms for myself because my compulsions were actually batshit. I knew something was off about what I was going to do, but did it anyway. I knew nobody would understand, but did it anyway. I paid a price for it.

Echolocating - Day 1: "Day 17"

Last post 5 months ago, July 28th, 2022.

Echolocating myself and my point to forgive.
(Echolocating? wtf..)
This will read like a self-dialogue of taking mental/physical inventory for investigation


I write on paper next to my computer:
"I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing
myself to..."

My chest feels tension in the middle just below my sternum, like my heart and lungs are wincing, and I take a labored breath.

Echolocate: using sound to triangulate a position, like a cell tower or a bat, to sound out where I am by testing the feedback of the inputs; what comes back to me from my transmissions.. words are pockets of sound and I can find where I am in my mind/body through a use of a number of words that reveal more about me and where I am. 

Questions:

Where am I?
Why am I here?
What is stopping me?
What do I forgive?
Why do I forgive myself?

- In my mind, in my apartment, in my reactions, in front of my computer, on my blog about to write self-forgiveness.
- I want to forgive myself. I want to be honest so I can stick with it. I want to grow. I want to take more responsibility. I want to change. I want to learn. I want to understand.
- My mind, my reactions, my memories, my lies, and how it has all accumulated
- Myself for my addictions that I use to escape facing myself, myself for my fears that I hide behind, myself for making everything impossible with my specialized excuses and justifications.
- Because I understand it is the solution to the heavy burdens I am carrying, because I will feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally if I forgive myself to change, because life sucks without forgiving myself and everything becomes a struggle as i'm mentally tormented unnecessarily.

What can I forgive myself for right now that will have the greatest impact on the well-being of my body, mind, being, and the life around me?
What is the most important event in my life I can forgive myself for right now?

- I think of wrongs in my previous relationships:
Could it be cheating? The pain I live with from previously failed relationships...
Then another thought hit me harder; my failure to walk this process with Desteni as I should have AND my failure to, thereafter, walk my process successfully with TechnoTutor. The biggest grief looming over me is feeling like a failure within what I see is my purpose with these groups that changed my life.

They were my only chances I had, that is how I experienced it, and I + my life was nothing without them and getting on board with them.

My life improved dramatically practicing self-forgiveness, learning and applying the principles, defining/redefining/living words, expanding my vocabulary, and reading + listening to the material..

Then I sabotaged myself within a relationship and drug addictions again.

It was finding my foothold in this process that supported me.

Now it is the memories of how everything went wrong, over and over again, that stops me because I won't dare go there again.. I won't dare challenge certain things in a relationship again.. I won't dare put myself out there, stick my neck out for anything or anyone, and would rather remain silent and suppressed so as to not have to suffer the pain of failure and betrayal again. I would rather, and have, become spiteful.. angry.. skeptical... hateful... depressed.. miserable.. and isolated.
___________

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate self forgiveness.

As I wrote this sentence, slowly, I was seeing that from the beginning with how I learned to forgive myself... i've complicated the process going so quickly and wanting the best statement to follow the initial words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing..." where it was always about what came after those words. I did not see like I did just now in writing that sentence that the process is in writing those initial words and learning to work with/ apply what comes in writing them.

A set of memories comes up about this, Bernard memories. Portal memories. The blogs, the articles, the echochamber of self-forgiveness material written by beings with access to themselves and dimensions I have yet to access in this life. 

The compulsion to delete as many things I could see wrong would take over and I would want to write self-forgiveness for anything that came to mind. The words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing" or "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" pounded out over and over like a child in detention writing on a chalk board until he was freed for his wrongdoing.

I want the punishment to be over.

Is that what it means to forgive myself? Is that how I WANT to forgive myself?
 
No, I don't. 

I have to redefine, rethink my approach, and do it again.

And I have to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my memory of how process used to be with Bernard around and all the Self-Forgiveness statements being pounded out by various beings to influence my application of Self-Forgiveness as Myself, where I would attempt to write my self-forgiveness as they did.. not realizing that merely adopting the format and writing statements that sounded and looked similar to theirs is not how I stand one and equal and totally integrate myself because I have to break things down,, pull them apart,, and put them back together where I am at, with what I understand, and how I look at things, etc... meaning, I had many points of reactions or genuine curiosity to bring up and investigate within my application.. and that would substantiate my application to a point of satisfaction where as constant copying of other's material/style would not.. because people like Bernard or the beings through the portal arrived to their specific application through many factors they walked personally to understand... and though their statements stand and support.. I have to write as myself, as I exist now, and work with my programming.

Cult-like Fear and Threats : Day 16

 Zoe and I went to Miami last weekend for TechnoTutor. It was amazing and we came home with a lot to share. We made videos on our Facebooks about our experiences and posted a lot from the event. I don't know about hers, but mine was long-winded and probably uninteresting. That's my judgment without watching it. I looked for what I could say to entice people into checking us out. Some of the attention Zoe got was definitely unwanted because one of the first people to comment wanted to throw the word CULT at us, even though they "meant well". The comment was deleted and Zoe reached out to them personally to clarify. She didn't deflect from using the word cult but rather embraced it and shared a definition of the word cult that does define us.

The person responded nicely and like they simply cared about Zoe's well being. then they came over to my page and harped on my video about cults and key words like "going to the next level" that is often used to bring people in. I deleted the comment and blocked them, then eventually messaged them after talking to Zoe. When they responded to me finally, it was like they didn't clearly read what I wrote because they responded to stuff I never said and then didn't respond to my offer to talk on the phone or meet in person. I was looking to walk them through their fear by meeting with me and getting to see for themselves who we are and what we do instead of whatever they've been through or read online. I didn't respond. Cut to a couple days later and I get messaged by this person's relative and they're threatening me with, "Be real careful how you speak to my ____. They have every right to warn and inform others.". I briefly got into it with them, told Zoe about my interaction, blocked them both and since then we have been walking through our fears and reactions to the whole situation by getting help from others in our community.

My first reaction in the timeline came when Zoe got the comment warning her about joining a cult.
"I'm not in a cult/It's not what they think it is"
"Why do people want to bash what we're doing?"
"Why is this still a thing?"
"Not again"

Feelings/Emotions of fear, anger, sadness, attacked, hostile, defensiveness came up

note: after Zoe "settled" things with the person the first time, I distinctly remember saying that people were not going to believe her and think I am brainwashing her then come and attack me as the bad guy.

Other reactions were when the person went over Zoe and commented on my video:
I was insulted they didn't believe Zoe and mad they had the audacity to come to my page and start seeding doubt/fear on my shit completely unwelcomed. To me it meant they didn't believe she was capable of thinking for herself and they needed to confront me.
I deleted the comment and blocked them. I wanted them to go through Zoe to talk to me originally as a "walk of shame" for insulting Zoe. I backed out of the idea because I thought it reinforced the person in their cult beliefs of us. I can see I was doing whatever I could to prove I wasn't a cult to this person with my behavior.

Feelings/Emotions of fear, aggression, and anxiety came up

The thought of fear about this person was they would spread rumor among close family and friends and start some shit.

I thought this person was being fake, pathetic, arrogant, and deceptive. They were hiding their true nasty backchat and wanting to control us and what we were participating in. They claimed to be "highly intelligent" yet have been in 4 cults. Lots of hippy and old-school drug culture stuff on their Facebook.

They kept saying how they were well-intentioned and coming from a good place of wanting nothing but the best for us, but if that is so then why would they intentionally push this point and gossip with someone else about it?

I will stop here and move to forgive this as myself, as everyone involved and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word cult to invoke irrational fear in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear family members and friends saying the word cult to us and to each other about what we are doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delete negative comments out of a reaction because I am afraid they will trigger and persuade others in my life to their viewpoint and prevent us from expanding and growing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed people's negatively charged words to hold me back from sharing, taking action, growing my business and community, and participating in my interests and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am, who is in my life, what we are doing, and why we are here because I am afraid of being called names that are negatively charged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these are opportunities to clear the charges of the words I have yet to clear and to understand the words that we use to bring up negative emotions in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being run out of town by an angry mob.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person spreading rumors about me and Zoe that we are in a dangerous cult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself because people have said i'm in a cult and to go into feeling misunderstood and demonized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize they are in fear and I do not have to participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing confrontation and dealing with it publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack people who I perceive as attacking me because they are using negatively charged words that they know bring up fear and evil thoughts about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a verbal altercation and even a physical altercation with someone confronting me with negatively charged words like cult, mlm, scam, or weird.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that some words like cult are by definition able to be used on anything you have a negative opinion about, because with the word cult for example you only need to regard something as sinister or strange and nothing else. Therefore, I am in a cult if they say I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I am in a cult if they say I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being what/who other people fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the bad guy in other people's opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see, and understand that a point like the word cult will keep coming up until I have personally transcended it and no longer react to it and am clear on what that word really means and how I live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing negatively charged words to understand them as myself and clarify them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing our friends and our following because of negatively charged words spreading as rumors, such as we are in a cult or we are cult leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act like a cult follower or a cult leader as a character / image in the mind as this sinister, secretive, strange, and evil thing.. trying to silence all opposition and enforce the brainwashing we have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that when I go into a reaction to the word cult I am acting out unconscious programming with characters that fit the fear of the person.. so everything I am doing confirms what the person is saying and in my attempt to defend myself or attack the person, I only further reinforce the idea we are in a cult as the negatively charged definition which has many weird images/ideas/feelings/behavior within it.

When and as I see/hear the word cult, because someone is confronting me with being in a cult and implying we are doing something dangerous/sinister/strange.. I stop and I breathe.

I realize this is a word people use to bring up negativity within me and anyone else who might read or hear it.

I realize they use this word without doing any investigation and have read articles online or gossiped in their mind or someone else.

I realize they aren't likely to be interested in what we are actually doing and they are in fear.

I realize that I am what they say I am and that I am in a cult if they say so because the definition of that word is defined as such that it's completely based on opinion.

I realize that what is a cult is just an opinion.

I realize that I do not have to entertain this and go into a reaction because there is nothing to do from a certain perspective, I have to embrace that this stuff happens.

I realize that I am not alone and I am not the first person on this earth to be called a cultist, a cult follower, or a cult leader.

I realize that people actually want to be in cults and that we are all already in cults.. we've been in a cult since we were born and that I have simply changed what cult I am part of, so they are fighting on behalf of their cult.

I realize that it doesn't matter and it doesn't stop anything and can't prevent me from succeeding or sharing.

I commit myself to breathe when I see the word cult in a comment directed towards me or TechnoTutor or Desteni.

I commit myself to embrace the word cult and to have fun with it in my conversations and in my behavior.

I commit myself to like someone's comment if they say we are in a cult or want to bring up the point.

I commit myself to fully understanding and transcending the word cult.

I commit myself to walking through all my fears around being in a cult or having someone throw this word cult at me.

I commit myself to getting support from within my community and within my relationship by having conversations about this point when and if it is needed.

I commit myself to support others to face this fear of the word cult because I see how i've accepted and allowed myself to get stuck here before.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of the word cult.

I commit myself to let go of the negative energy that comes up within me in relationship to the word cult.

I commit myself to showing that the word cult is just another word and it doesn't automatically imply negativity.

I commit myself to creating a culture of what is best for all and living by principles.

I commit myself to being proud of who I am and what I am part of as TechnoTutor and Desteni.

I commit myself to the cult of life which is the only real non-cult as it is the group that everyone is part of by default.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and for those who are part of this cult.