Star Memory: Day 10

Last self forgiveness post was from my notes before I went to bed.

The memory I’m investigating came up originally in the word ‘Best’, where in being the Best I noticed this relationship with simply expressing myself without thought and then gaining attention which led to comparison/competition that I felt uncomfortable with.

I would self sabotage in order to eliminate or reduce the negative experience by self diminishment. In a game I would play beneath my skill level to give others a chance to compete or catch up. In my mind I thought I was doing them a favor and giving myself some fun. Like giving people a break from my domination.

On further investigation I noticed memories with my brother or cousins where they would be compared to me, compare themselves to me, and I would not be sure what to think about that. Like superiority was pushed on me for just living what I didn’t think twice about. I didn’t want to feel like I was better or be separate from them, I didn’t want them to see themselves differently from me so I compensated with finding ways to be on their level. Not always, but sometimes.

This relates to being a Star in that a Star is The Best, but the word Star wasn’t used in these situations.

I see a sabotaging of potential in this for others sake, a lessening of self for survival.

I will move onto clearing specific memories with the word Star but because this already has relevance I’m going to start here as it’s going to make a difference in what it means to Be the Best within The Star.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of other people’s judgment/self judgment where I enter their mind for comparison as a Star, an example of what is Best, and I am ‘above them’ in who I am.. what I can do.. what I have.. and how I think. Specifically the consequence of them having negative experience where I question if I am responsible for how they experience themselves in relationship to me, where I also begin to have a negative experience about being me and them being them.. because I just want to be me without this self-conscious interference in my expression which I enjoy. I don’t want to stop being me or for them to stop being themselves because of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise the best in me because I believe in it is more beneficial to be like everyone else, because I can survive in peace without becoming a center of attention and self-conflict for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being myself as trouble because other people react to me and in their reactions to my self expression I had to face the problems in them.. that they accepted and allowed.. and then I accept and allow in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being myself by the experiences and reactions of other people, which I then adopted as experiences and reactions towards myself because I cared what other people thought of me as I wanted to be accepted so I could survive and function in this world.. knowing that if I was too much for others, if I triggered too much in them of the wrong thing, then I would end up living a hard life with the relationship problems that developed from triggering them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace my unadulterated self expression which was real with a consistent consideration for what others would think about me first where I then prepared my self to express myself in a way that would always be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what others think about me as more important than my actual self expression, to suppress myself so as to not suffer from the experience of other people’s opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in an attempt to save myself from the judgment and comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being myself because I felt like there was something wrong with the way I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not normal and I’m not being normal I would be singled out, separated, isolated, judged, compared, and either exalted or degraded as people would not just treat me as themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection for being myself which wasn’t normal to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear standing out just being myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself being or becoming exposed and other people taking an interest in me or paying attention to what is different about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice what is special or unique or different about me in order to appear normal, to fit in, and remain relatively invisible or equal to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward about being myself because I wouldn’t accept myself and just allow my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict and separation with myself, polarizing what it means to be me and trying to avoid either being so special and positive to someone that they feel inferior to me or become obsessed with me.. or trying to avoid becoming an outcast/weirdo that is too strange for them to relate with, ending up ostracized and ridiculed.

…… to be continued