I recently did 21 days of self forgiveness on self forgiveness in the Facebook group Daily Self Forgiveness. And just before that I finished DIP Lite, my review for the DIP Lite course is here on Facebook for you to read.
What can I see here within what i've done so far that i'd like to show everyone?
Applying (1) self within a structure and (2) the reflexive property of equality.
(1)
I walked the DIP Lite course and I have realized the support in structure exceeds the effectiveness of my preferences, because a structure is usually designed with consideration to the integrity of the total design and a good structure has much to offer. My preferences for how I live have been developed haphazardly over time with little consideration to the total integrity of my self and how I am designed. Seeing my self within a structure designed with complementary consideration to each point within the design and the participant within the structure has been interesting. With a sound structure, you can rely on what is set up once you know or can see the integrity within it, and then you can live or apply your self within it knowing you are looking at something in agreement. For me, it definitely requires a hefty dose of humility walking with people and information that definitely knows better than I do. What I have learned to do here to resolve the dissonance or conflict between my preferences for seeing, doing, and otherwise living is to not trash everything that now seems inferior before the people and information who know better. I see my self as my preferences as one possible definition or interpretation to anything and all that I see as knowing better I will bridge my self to. I am committed to covering ground from my preferences (point a) to what I see that knows better than me (point b). But I cannot just pretend I am at point b because I see my self in agreement with point b. Even if point b makes all the sense in the world and I cannot imagine saying it any better, there is still work for me to go as I am here at point a and living my life from point a.
(2)
Self forgiveness is a tool one has to become familiar with by simply using it, as you would with any tool. An interesting point for me though was I hated this tool and everything that came with it. Although I could see that great things were being done with this tool and many people were fulfilling themselves with it, I couldn't imagine that for my self. My experience in using it was so dissatisfying and frustrating that I blocked it from consideration for years. I had to have some sort of conversation with my self about the tool itself, about self forgiveness' existence, and that's sort of what I did with the 21 days of Self Forgiveness on Self Forgiveness. Within doing this, I was not just writing about it - I was applying it to itself and in that also having that conversation I needed with my self about it. That was a pretty cool point to see because to just write out everything within me towards self forgiveness, I would not exactly be seeing it for what it is... but in applying my self in self forgiveness towards self forgiveness, it was like seeing someone the way they see themselves. The point is so simple but in doing this you can see when something agrees with itself - when something is equal to it self - by doing this. It becomes self reflective. I was able to see that what I disagree with is not the word but with all the things I didn't realize have nothing to do with this word - but like a bad rumor spread about your name - people will start to believe in that bullshit. And this is the case with self forgiveness - we all believe a bunch of bullshit rumors spread around the world and we spread those rumors as true, too. And in doing this we really never get to know the real substance in a name, just like a person - you never get to know the real person when you believe all the shit you had spread to you. And in applying my self this way with self forgiveness it was like going to the person directly about who they are - and allowing me to share and cross reference things, to then cross-out the rumors to get closer to the substance. And also, look for my self at why did I come here with rumors? Did I come seeking the truth of the rumors or the truth of the life/substance in the name/word?
One more point on both (1) and (2) combined.
When applying self forgiveness, I find it most effective to write or speak something out loud first to establish whatever my self honesty is in that moment so I can walk back through what I said or wrote to forgive my self out loud for. It is like stating my self to be clear so that when I forgive my self it is also clear what my reference is for the forgiveness, so there isn't a question of "what am I forgiving my self for? " - "why am I forgiving my self again?" - because here the answer is clear, the answer to those questions is in what I stated purposefully, clearly, to see what I can forgive my self for.
Thanks, this is all for now.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Being contrarian in a world that's reversed: Day 13
This has come up in my life multiple times where someone points out how "anti-everything" I am, even the simplest of things I sometimes have a "that's bullshit" attitude towards. I want to write on this for a moment because it's somewhat integral to my life.
Why do we accept everything as it is?
Why is it questionable when we dissociate from this?
What does it mean to go with what others think if what I think is also what they think?
What does it mean for me to go with what I think when I don't know where I got what I think?
What does it mean to think I think for my self and who do I think I am that has "original thinking"?
Is what I experience in the world coming from me?
Am I going against my self when I feel resistance from others, my mind, and this world?
I accept most things as they are presented to me so that I am here with others, so that I show I am here with the picture presentation as my self, that I am not in conflict with the "reality" before me.
"The difference between someone who is sane or insane is the ability to accept the world as it is imposed on you" - U.G. Krishnamurti.
Working with the world as it appears is important, but none of this is what it appears and because every part reflects the whole... how is any part of the whole what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe..? Looking into everything that is "to-the-contrary" leads me somewhere much closer to the way things actually are.. because this place, who we are, what we are in.. is not as it seems. Trespassing on every definition of a word defining this existence is helpful to me, because as useless as it seems to the way things are... it is going to show something "off-limits", and reality is quite "off-limits" to the mind we live in daily.
What if contrary isn't what we think either? What if all the contrarianism supports the way things are... and in what way does it do so? If everything as it is leads us away from ourselves and into all sorts of different worlds than the one we are in... trying to create this and that as a "better tomorrow" instead of showing us what is already here and the potential within us as we are here. Isn't that up for an investigation as it's a form of futile escapism? I don't believe in the definition of reality as the picture presentation or the underlying "sounds" in-forming this 3d animated picture we believe so much about.
This is a frustrating experience of unearthing over-due "doubt" which underlies all belief. We have lived our lives clinging to a specifically placed rock of knowledge and information practically drowning in all the evidence that we know nothing and the indications that "something is up". An obvious but elaborate hoax is the condition of humanity and we have a long way to go in undoing the con of our consciousness,
This does nothing for the way the world is and great things for the way the world can be.
Why do we accept everything as it is?
Why is it questionable when we dissociate from this?
What does it mean to go with what others think if what I think is also what they think?
What does it mean for me to go with what I think when I don't know where I got what I think?
What does it mean to think I think for my self and who do I think I am that has "original thinking"?
Is what I experience in the world coming from me?
Am I going against my self when I feel resistance from others, my mind, and this world?
I accept most things as they are presented to me so that I am here with others, so that I show I am here with the picture presentation as my self, that I am not in conflict with the "reality" before me.
"The difference between someone who is sane or insane is the ability to accept the world as it is imposed on you" - U.G. Krishnamurti.
Working with the world as it appears is important, but none of this is what it appears and because every part reflects the whole... how is any part of the whole what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe..? Looking into everything that is "to-the-contrary" leads me somewhere much closer to the way things actually are.. because this place, who we are, what we are in.. is not as it seems. Trespassing on every definition of a word defining this existence is helpful to me, because as useless as it seems to the way things are... it is going to show something "off-limits", and reality is quite "off-limits" to the mind we live in daily.
What if contrary isn't what we think either? What if all the contrarianism supports the way things are... and in what way does it do so? If everything as it is leads us away from ourselves and into all sorts of different worlds than the one we are in... trying to create this and that as a "better tomorrow" instead of showing us what is already here and the potential within us as we are here. Isn't that up for an investigation as it's a form of futile escapism? I don't believe in the definition of reality as the picture presentation or the underlying "sounds" in-forming this 3d animated picture we believe so much about.
This is a frustrating experience of unearthing over-due "doubt" which underlies all belief. We have lived our lives clinging to a specifically placed rock of knowledge and information practically drowning in all the evidence that we know nothing and the indications that "something is up". An obvious but elaborate hoax is the condition of humanity and we have a long way to go in undoing the con of our consciousness,
This does nothing for the way the world is and great things for the way the world can be.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
How little seems to help: Day 12
A reflection on how my self application is experienced recently: The little things help and sometimes that little is barely enough to get by, but barely enough will eventually become more as little begins to bear enough. Little shifts in things, like the way my title sounds as if i'm about to expand on how nothing seems to be working but if you look at it from a slightly different perspective... i'm just examining the words "little" and "help", how they appear in each other and how they appear in my life.
In the spirit of this blog title, I want to give to my self a little help that may seem like nothing and neither at all at first, but is precisely the support I require and more. A little help that can help me bear enough when I feel I am barely getting by:
MY Words! Look at my words! The little helpers, holding-signs, holding my power and my life in my writing.. my thinking.. my speaking.. my memory.. in my eyes as I read and in my ears as I hear..
They are so obvious and yet obscured out in the open.
These signs and their nature, the signature.
Signs helping with direction, helping with location, seeing where I am at..
And within what words I see, what I have signed up for and signed off on is apparent to me.
MY nature, MY sign, MY signature is within all that comes up.inside ME as MY INWARD WORLD - the IN-WORD reality inside the embodied and living WORD/NAME Jonathan.
Signing off, Jonathan.
In the spirit of this blog title, I want to give to my self a little help that may seem like nothing and neither at all at first, but is precisely the support I require and more. A little help that can help me bear enough when I feel I am barely getting by:
MY Words! Look at my words! The little helpers, holding-signs, holding my power and my life in my writing.. my thinking.. my speaking.. my memory.. in my eyes as I read and in my ears as I hear..
They are so obvious and yet obscured out in the open.
These signs and their nature, the signature.
Signs helping with direction, helping with location, seeing where I am at..
And within what words I see, what I have signed up for and signed off on is apparent to me.
MY nature, MY sign, MY signature is within all that comes up.inside ME as MY INWARD WORLD - the IN-WORD reality inside the embodied and living WORD/NAME Jonathan.
Signing off, Jonathan.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Self Reflections on WHAT is this "Process" to ME so far: Day 11
An issue i've had with this whole thing from day one, years ago, is not putting my finger on certain vocabulary terms and "translating" it for myself..
This is NOT a unique issue anywhere in life, this is what we should do with everything we learn.
This IS a unique issue because some "simple" terms/words in my life are now world-altering within the context which I am able to explore them at Desteni.
That can be frustrating because i've been used to this one way of using something (words) for almost all my life and now it is like "oh.. we've completely missed something about the thing which built this entire world.. words."
It's actually quite massive, to realize even a glimpse of the way life is lived in words, and to see that there is definitely another way than what we've come to accept and know. The words and relationship to words must be transformed if I am to be anything more than what i've come to accept and believe that I "know".
Okay, onto some words about the word "PROCESS" to help me transition/transmute my self into greater understanding.
What is this "PROCESS" i'm seeing and learning about?
Process, in the context i'm understanding it, is a "big picture" thing.
Everyone is busy in their "process" all the time, with or without a name for it.. everyone has been living in process. Process is necessary.. there really isn't a choice in it, there is something fundamentally equal about process.. it is a fact of how we live and operate. Within the structure I have been applying myself at DIP Lite, the focus is on this process.. the structure is based on successfully understanding and walking this process. I have never seen anybody or been to any other place besides Destiny that has ever put this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" into words that fit so snug as the naming of the experience and principles of this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" (Walking our Process). In my short existence on earth, all the people and material i've discovered in life reveals to me that this process may have been something that has only been understood in parts throughout time and to what detail any of those parts were specified or known to be connected to each other.. I am not sure. Or maybe this is new?
The most obvious way I can show what I am seeing here is to reference the vocabulary being used and the steps in which these points are placed that makes SO MUCH SENSE. This PROCESS is the same for all no matter if you had the words for it or not.
HOWEVER! HAVING THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE IT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN IMAGINE.
I gave a cool contrast on this point already in this post DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9 - but I will give my understanding here again as I feel more reiterations help me develop my nuances and support my ability to walk confidently.
You have BREATHING, SELF-WRITING, SELF-QUESTIONING/INVESTIGATION, SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-REALIZATION, SELF-COMMITMENT, AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION AS ACTION.
This covers, without adding everything I can think of, the vocabulary of the process as I understand it at this moment. All these words, with or without knowing them and using them in your life, are points within a process that we all walk in this life. These words practically define, or begin to define, our successful fruition in life.. our successful becoming (or is it unbecoming?) in life. With these points one can support themselves effectively through anything.. We experience and live these words many times in life but do not realize how deliberately we can walk within this type of language. To command our lives with an understanding of who we are as these words gives a new way, a new possibility, a new opening in our existence where we don't stumble accidentally into success, into freedom, into blossoming, into transcendence.
We use phrases on ourselves and others like, "you need to let go of that." when we can suggest they make a statement of SELF FORGIVENESS TO LET IT GO/RELEASE THEMSELVES. That "letting go" phrase is a suggestion of SELF-FORGIVENESS. We have REALIZATIONS many times and how often do we take those into ACTION as our LIVING? If someone knew about SELF COMMITMENT and MAKING SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS to themselves, would that maybe fill the gap in their understanding of how to live their realizations?
SELF HONESTY is a fascinating word. Because when I learned it and began sharing it - do you know how few people i've actually met that seemed familiar with this word, not to mention using it? Same with SELF-DISHONESTY. And yet everyone has an experience of these words, a living of these words, and these words are critical to communicating with your self. They all work together in a way that supports the best in us - but without these words how is anyone supposed to know the way?
This could be a very long post so I will stop here for now and leave with this:
What if there is a way to live that doesn't involve struggling purely because you don't know enough or don't understand enough?
What if the reason it's been so difficult is because we didn't have the words to put to what we have been living?
What if the steps were known for anyone to fulfill themselves, if they apply themselves?
What if it wasn't just a bunch of guessing and there is a focus on that solution?
Walking this process for me, I am seeing myself more like an equation, where I am being shown how to "do the math" and in doing the math... I see how the answers are within me as this equation, and most importantly /how I can find those answers within "me"/ - I don't just "know there's something within me".. i'm able to show myself for real and find out.. with time. It is a process. :)
This is NOT a unique issue anywhere in life, this is what we should do with everything we learn.
This IS a unique issue because some "simple" terms/words in my life are now world-altering within the context which I am able to explore them at Desteni.
That can be frustrating because i've been used to this one way of using something (words) for almost all my life and now it is like "oh.. we've completely missed something about the thing which built this entire world.. words."
It's actually quite massive, to realize even a glimpse of the way life is lived in words, and to see that there is definitely another way than what we've come to accept and know. The words and relationship to words must be transformed if I am to be anything more than what i've come to accept and believe that I "know".
Okay, onto some words about the word "PROCESS" to help me transition/transmute my self into greater understanding.
What is this "PROCESS" i'm seeing and learning about?
Process, in the context i'm understanding it, is a "big picture" thing.
Everyone is busy in their "process" all the time, with or without a name for it.. everyone has been living in process. Process is necessary.. there really isn't a choice in it, there is something fundamentally equal about process.. it is a fact of how we live and operate. Within the structure I have been applying myself at DIP Lite, the focus is on this process.. the structure is based on successfully understanding and walking this process. I have never seen anybody or been to any other place besides Destiny that has ever put this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" into words that fit so snug as the naming of the experience and principles of this "THING THAT WE ALL DO" (Walking our Process). In my short existence on earth, all the people and material i've discovered in life reveals to me that this process may have been something that has only been understood in parts throughout time and to what detail any of those parts were specified or known to be connected to each other.. I am not sure. Or maybe this is new?
The most obvious way I can show what I am seeing here is to reference the vocabulary being used and the steps in which these points are placed that makes SO MUCH SENSE. This PROCESS is the same for all no matter if you had the words for it or not.
HOWEVER! HAVING THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE IT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN IMAGINE.
I gave a cool contrast on this point already in this post DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9 - but I will give my understanding here again as I feel more reiterations help me develop my nuances and support my ability to walk confidently.
You have BREATHING, SELF-WRITING, SELF-QUESTIONING/INVESTIGATION, SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-REALIZATION, SELF-COMMITMENT, AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION AS ACTION.
This covers, without adding everything I can think of, the vocabulary of the process as I understand it at this moment. All these words, with or without knowing them and using them in your life, are points within a process that we all walk in this life. These words practically define, or begin to define, our successful fruition in life.. our successful becoming (or is it unbecoming?) in life. With these points one can support themselves effectively through anything.. We experience and live these words many times in life but do not realize how deliberately we can walk within this type of language. To command our lives with an understanding of who we are as these words gives a new way, a new possibility, a new opening in our existence where we don't stumble accidentally into success, into freedom, into blossoming, into transcendence.
We use phrases on ourselves and others like, "you need to let go of that." when we can suggest they make a statement of SELF FORGIVENESS TO LET IT GO/RELEASE THEMSELVES. That "letting go" phrase is a suggestion of SELF-FORGIVENESS. We have REALIZATIONS many times and how often do we take those into ACTION as our LIVING? If someone knew about SELF COMMITMENT and MAKING SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS to themselves, would that maybe fill the gap in their understanding of how to live their realizations?
SELF HONESTY is a fascinating word. Because when I learned it and began sharing it - do you know how few people i've actually met that seemed familiar with this word, not to mention using it? Same with SELF-DISHONESTY. And yet everyone has an experience of these words, a living of these words, and these words are critical to communicating with your self. They all work together in a way that supports the best in us - but without these words how is anyone supposed to know the way?
This could be a very long post so I will stop here for now and leave with this:
What if there is a way to live that doesn't involve struggling purely because you don't know enough or don't understand enough?
What if the reason it's been so difficult is because we didn't have the words to put to what we have been living?
What if the steps were known for anyone to fulfill themselves, if they apply themselves?
What if it wasn't just a bunch of guessing and there is a focus on that solution?
Walking this process for me, I am seeing myself more like an equation, where I am being shown how to "do the math" and in doing the math... I see how the answers are within me as this equation, and most importantly /how I can find those answers within "me"/ - I don't just "know there's something within me".. i'm able to show myself for real and find out.. with time. It is a process. :)
Saturday, November 5, 2016
The ALMOST Boiling Point and Nothing is "Enough": Day 10
I always kinda see more to be done and better ways to do what i'm doing.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
I can always be better and when i'm doing my best there is still no end to what more there is.
Most of what I want to be doing, living, and practicing can be present in my life and the little bit more than I can see that can "fit in" - the LITTLE BIT EXTRA that I can be exerting... that hangs me up and drags on my mind.
It's like almost boiling in life but not quite hitting 100 degrees and finally turning from liquid to gas.
And then the worst is when it seems to be that my boiling point is coming and some slack in my life appears - then i'm "behind" more than I just was!
Almost 100, sometimes 99, never 100.. then crashing back to 80 or 90 or less like even a cold 20... it is not a fun experience. And so it is time to try again, yes?
The inability to boil and struggling to maintain the "ALMOST-BOILING" POINT...
I cannot think of something more frustrating when applying myself to do and be my best, to reach a potential within myself - this point of boiling and almost getting there.
I go for it with so much and see the range I can cover in sometimes quite short times - then as I reach the point of transformation.. I slip or start slipping, something comes along i'm not prepared for - or even yes maybe I had prepared for it.. but preparation wasn't enough. Then it seems i'm doomed, that slip in my self.. that fucked up my consistency.. now my walk is gimped, my rhythm is fucked, and i'm going back down to remain a liquid. All I want to do is break through that point but I always find myself being the one that breaks when the opportunity to fully fulfill that potential for a moment.
Nothing is enough, it seems.
I see everything I can do and more, but doing everything I can seems almost impossible.
And these seems/seams are like the threads of my limitation, my mind, whatever it is that is fucking with me - the things I don't understand and don't know what to do about - but i'm bursting at the seems/seams to transform myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that nothing I can do is enough, that everything i'm doing is "just as it seems".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discouraged and disheartened from the many attempts at transcending and transforming myself - fulfilling a potential I can see within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless when I watch myself come crashing down from a higher degree of discipline, practice, consistency - to sit there as I go practically all the way back down, into a cycle of the same old shit and having to climb or find my way back out of it all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration and anger when and as I struggle to maintain and push forward for that little extra bit to transcend or transform myself within what i've come to know as my limitations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feed into my slipping and falling when I am about to reach into my potential, to step into my "new limit".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to the extreme as I go to the extreme within myself, i'm so invested in what i'm doing or seeing that it's like I cannot deal with the failure when I was so close - and so when I fall I let myself down extremely, not wanting to deal or face myself in that moment - not even knowing how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a sort of "depression" every time I feel defeated, again, when I don't reach that point I was aiming for - the goal I had set for myself - then I go from "almost there" to being very behind just in mentality alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change and become unstable when faced with things being almost perfect and then when everything goes wrong - these moments are practically one in the same and can flip on me in an instant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally and mentally ill over winning/losing within my own self-defined goals - I do this all to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my power and control over myself to this point and when I don't see the fruits or the fulfillment happening - I react.
When and as I see myself coming to a boiling point in life and I am faced with a challenge that can seriously fuck me up within what i'm here to do and be, I stop and breathe.
I realize that whether I am boiling or not boiling, whether I transcend and transform here in this moment or not, whether I successfully walk through this point now or later, it does not change the fact of my practice, my discipline, my consistency, or anything. I am the one who defines these points in my living application.
I realize that I just have to keep applying no matter what, even if I have goals or don't have them, even if I feel or think i've had my efforts practically destroyed because all my efforts went to shit.
I realize that I must have patience within all the changes, particularly patience for myself and especially when I am not where I know I can be - sometimes I am not even close to the person I see that I can been.
I realize that I can be a sore loser and very harsh on myself for not succeeding, holding my past mistakes AND successes against my self here in the moment - always judging for what I was and never seeing who I am here in this moment.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and go for my boiling points as often as I can, to not take these set backs, failures, and mistakes so personally. When I see i'm about to reach my limit, potentially transcend and transform myself, to be aware of myself in breathing and to let go of any mistake or failure I may face in those moments - to forgive myself and just correct myself however I can.
I commit myself to remind myself of what I can do, what can happen, what will most likely happen.. and that all of this will repeat - again and again and again in some form or another.
I commit myself to see the whole thing for what it is and how it is, to not get so caught up in understanding and trying to fix the one point where I think and believe I messed up - because it's not what it seem and getting fixated on the seemingly difficult parts is where I lose focus and become unstable and inconsistent.
I commit myself to be here for myself when I fall, especially if I see i'm about to go to an extreme in my falling, so that I do not go without the absolute necessity of me being on my own side, rooting and cheering for myself.. helping myself get back up and go at it again.
I commit myself to write more about who I am within these moments of extreme goods/bads in life where things are going almost perfectly and then fucking terrible in almost every way - to see how I can live and exist in those times, in support of myself as the best within all.
I commit myself to transcending my limitations and transforming myself no matter what, even knowing and seeing that there are many times i'm going to give in, give up, or simply want to quit and not face myself anymore. I have to stand up for myself within this and do this for myself, no one else can.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
DIP Lite and What I am Learning about My Self: Day 9
I am walking the DIP Lite course and considering DIP Pro as the next natural step in the flow.
I want to share my experience of "renewing" myself in this active, focused, walking awareness of process.
Where to start?
I am in the self-commitment statement part of the course, where I spell out what realizations I have in relationship to a single sentence of self-forgiveness I wrote in the last part of the course, then move on to self commitment statements about correcting my self when faced with the point I forgive myself for.
What am I seeing here about my self in this section?
I am seeing within my writing about anything that I am exercising a great clarity and insight to my self. I am guiding my self healthily through points in my life and my mind with a structured and organized focus on my self and my ability.
What do I mean by this?
We'll do a before and after DIP Lite of this same experience.
When thinking about mistakes I make in the day, how does my self reflection go?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I think about how to recover from the experience, maybe it isn't over yet, the experience can still be salvaged into a personal success! I look for ways to do something about it, but i'm guessing the whole time hoping I come up with a solution to my experience and situation. Time passes and I didn't resolve it, the moment is gone and there is nothing to do about it now.. It becomes something I will have to "try again some other time". My reflection on that moment continues into the next day, whatever happened wasn't just a situation in the world, now it is a mental scenario affecting me into a new day!
What happens here, when the time passes and it is now in my head?
I practice all I know how to resolve my mind's disturbance! Seeing perspectives, open my self to new understandings, look for any insight I have by reviewing the memory, thinking about other things to get my mind off it, going on some walk, there's plenty of things I can try. OR sometimes it goes away, there's nothing gained from it, I forget or ignore it, I let it change my experience of my self for ANY amount of time and do nothing about it, I accept it... the options for "dealing with it" are numerous.
I am going to make a statement about the way I deal with things inside the mind and I believe this is most likely true for you as well.
I pretend I know what I am doing most the time, I am guessing and running on hints.
I am not the one directing my self, my mind is - yet I have an idea of my self calling the shots.
My self assessment is not thorough and does not follow a set of rules.
The outcomes in my life are not guaranteed, but the potential for successful outcomes is unlikely because of the level of discipline in relationship to my self.
It is more luck, circumstances, and my programming growing up that's got me here.
I go about my internal world and external world haphazardly.
What is the difference with this process I am walking?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I look for ways to do something about it and see that I have tools and a structured way of reflecting to help me see the way. I breathe while the time passes and I have an opportunity to sit down with my self. I write about the experience. I look at what I wrote then identify my experience of compromise, reaction, fear, ego, emotions and feelings, thinking, and where it started. Then I move onto self forgiveness statements specific to my writing to release and give my self back to my self. I then write what I realize about my self in relationship to the experience and follow up with commitments to change with realistic considerations of applying that change.
But what about when I am done with that?
I breathe. I don't have to think about it. I took a point through a structured, healthy, and thorough assessment (self-writing, identifying the problem in writing). I applied a tool directly related to releasing/letting go/deleting the nuisance of my mind (self forgiveness) = so there's no avoidance tricks to worry about performing correctly. And I communicated to my self, all in writing, what I SEE (self-realization) that was REALLY GOING ON ... and then how I PLANNED TO FACE IT AND CHANGE (self-commitment). And then I breathe it into life with me.
I talked it out with my self, walked it through my mind on paper, now all that is left is to remind myself of the changes I am ready to apply when I face the same situation/moment/experience in my world.
But this doesn't guarantee I will change, it supports my best efforts to change.The "moment of truth" is my physical application, if I live the change, embody it for real when the time comes. Breathing helps with this.
So - I hope my example was sufficient. The process walked in the DIP Lite is a process everyone walks, with or without awareness - I can see that now. Everyone is busy accumulating ways to resolve their minds and their lives, to change and be the best they can be, but there is really so much guessing going on. And in all that guessing, trial and error does work - but there's no real sense of knowing what the hell we are doing.. we cling to what we know works, or think works, and we don't always know why something works when it does either.
The difference I see here in how I apply myself, how this application differs from the previous, is in the structured reflecting on my self. Each tool like writing, self forgiveness, self realization, self commitment, is a reflection of who I am. Applying each of those tools to my self as my life in a "step-by-step" fashion.. especially in the way it is outlined.. seems to come from an understanding of what should naturally come before and after each other.. This process seems to be ordered the way anyone has successfully dealt with themselves by accidental guessing. This is the most direct way of working with my self I have encountered. The previous way I have lived and have a tendency to live is like pushing all the buttons on the control panel, grabbing for anything and everything I have in and near me.. just hoping it works. And given, I had method to my madness but this beats any mad methods of mine for resolving my issues.
Enjoy.
I want to share my experience of "renewing" myself in this active, focused, walking awareness of process.
Where to start?
I am in the self-commitment statement part of the course, where I spell out what realizations I have in relationship to a single sentence of self-forgiveness I wrote in the last part of the course, then move on to self commitment statements about correcting my self when faced with the point I forgive myself for.
What am I seeing here about my self in this section?
I am seeing within my writing about anything that I am exercising a great clarity and insight to my self. I am guiding my self healthily through points in my life and my mind with a structured and organized focus on my self and my ability.
What do I mean by this?
We'll do a before and after DIP Lite of this same experience.
When thinking about mistakes I make in the day, how does my self reflection go?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I think about how to recover from the experience, maybe it isn't over yet, the experience can still be salvaged into a personal success! I look for ways to do something about it, but i'm guessing the whole time hoping I come up with a solution to my experience and situation. Time passes and I didn't resolve it, the moment is gone and there is nothing to do about it now.. It becomes something I will have to "try again some other time". My reflection on that moment continues into the next day, whatever happened wasn't just a situation in the world, now it is a mental scenario affecting me into a new day!
What happens here, when the time passes and it is now in my head?
I practice all I know how to resolve my mind's disturbance! Seeing perspectives, open my self to new understandings, look for any insight I have by reviewing the memory, thinking about other things to get my mind off it, going on some walk, there's plenty of things I can try. OR sometimes it goes away, there's nothing gained from it, I forget or ignore it, I let it change my experience of my self for ANY amount of time and do nothing about it, I accept it... the options for "dealing with it" are numerous.
I am going to make a statement about the way I deal with things inside the mind and I believe this is most likely true for you as well.
I pretend I know what I am doing most the time, I am guessing and running on hints.
I am not the one directing my self, my mind is - yet I have an idea of my self calling the shots.
My self assessment is not thorough and does not follow a set of rules.
The outcomes in my life are not guaranteed, but the potential for successful outcomes is unlikely because of the level of discipline in relationship to my self.
It is more luck, circumstances, and my programming growing up that's got me here.
I go about my internal world and external world haphazardly.
What is the difference with this process I am walking?
The day starts.. and at some point I skip a responsibility, miss an opportunity to fulfill my self, or fall flat on my face trying to do something important to me.
That sucks, what happens in those moments?
I go into my head and start assessing what just went down. I look for ways to do something about it and see that I have tools and a structured way of reflecting to help me see the way. I breathe while the time passes and I have an opportunity to sit down with my self. I write about the experience. I look at what I wrote then identify my experience of compromise, reaction, fear, ego, emotions and feelings, thinking, and where it started. Then I move onto self forgiveness statements specific to my writing to release and give my self back to my self. I then write what I realize about my self in relationship to the experience and follow up with commitments to change with realistic considerations of applying that change.
But what about when I am done with that?
I breathe. I don't have to think about it. I took a point through a structured, healthy, and thorough assessment (self-writing, identifying the problem in writing). I applied a tool directly related to releasing/letting go/deleting the nuisance of my mind (self forgiveness) = so there's no avoidance tricks to worry about performing correctly. And I communicated to my self, all in writing, what I SEE (self-realization) that was REALLY GOING ON ... and then how I PLANNED TO FACE IT AND CHANGE (self-commitment). And then I breathe it into life with me.
I talked it out with my self, walked it through my mind on paper, now all that is left is to remind myself of the changes I am ready to apply when I face the same situation/moment/experience in my world.
But this doesn't guarantee I will change, it supports my best efforts to change.The "moment of truth" is my physical application, if I live the change, embody it for real when the time comes. Breathing helps with this.
So - I hope my example was sufficient. The process walked in the DIP Lite is a process everyone walks, with or without awareness - I can see that now. Everyone is busy accumulating ways to resolve their minds and their lives, to change and be the best they can be, but there is really so much guessing going on. And in all that guessing, trial and error does work - but there's no real sense of knowing what the hell we are doing.. we cling to what we know works, or think works, and we don't always know why something works when it does either.
The difference I see here in how I apply myself, how this application differs from the previous, is in the structured reflecting on my self. Each tool like writing, self forgiveness, self realization, self commitment, is a reflection of who I am. Applying each of those tools to my self as my life in a "step-by-step" fashion.. especially in the way it is outlined.. seems to come from an understanding of what should naturally come before and after each other.. This process seems to be ordered the way anyone has successfully dealt with themselves by accidental guessing. This is the most direct way of working with my self I have encountered. The previous way I have lived and have a tendency to live is like pushing all the buttons on the control panel, grabbing for anything and everything I have in and near me.. just hoping it works. And given, I had method to my madness but this beats any mad methods of mine for resolving my issues.
Enjoy.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Starting Points of Words: Day 8
An examination of my self in question,
Why are my words here?
What reason did I place myself in writing?
Where are my words coming from?
In other words than what I placed visibly for myself and others to see and hear, what is the source of these words?
I was having a conversation with my partner the other day about an experience I find tricky.
It is when I am communicating to myself in thought, spoken or written word - I can become unaware of my self within my application of the words. I may be going on and on, about this and that, yet only one thing is communicated. And it doesn't end.
A specific example, I like to push myself to be /honest/ with myself. I like to find ways of exploring self /honestly/. This sometimes looks like a prodding disbelief in my initial answers. I'm saying to myself, 'Hey, that doesn't sound like everything! That's not satisfactory what you gave me. There's more to what you mean, I don't believe you!' - and then I give myself more answers, I go on pushing myself for /more honesty/, and more and more.... and more. I have a thought that somewhere inside myself /that my honesty will be enough/. I have a thought /that applying my words from a point of honesty is all, it is enough/. Yet, I can push myself forever to be more frank, plain, brutal, visible and simple in my honesty and /still get stuck at a point/.
It is with this experience that I see, I have to see words in all the other ways they can be applied. It is not just to communicate everything in me as it is, because words do more than just reveal. Words create. It is cool, for a moment, to reveal myself in words as the expression of my self honesty. It is however not enough to stay in this mode of 'getting things out', it is not enough to spell out an experience. Up to a certain point, dragging out the communication based on revelatory honesty only supports and continues the creation of the shit going on inside. Honesty has to become responsibility and change. I have to move from a narrative of seeing my creations as they are into the words of a creator reconsidering the direction of my universe.
With this point coming to surface I can see how limited my mobility in words has been in life because of the fact I could not see the starting point of why I am accepting and allowing the placing of my words before me the way I am. Are these words I am writing, speaking, and thinking only serving as a distraction from something else? A distraction from my self and something more I could be doing? There is a tyrannical limitation on words, where the narratives coming from 'me' are only stimulated into existence by a single point of some idea about my self. The one thing I am always communicating is my self, and it is quite easy to for me to see some of the limitations in my words that keep me busy in my mind.
What power do I give to certain points within myself as my mind?
Can I see the words that describe what I am allowing to control my word choices and how I express myself in words?
What really deserves the creative, directive principle of my words?
How often do I accept something less worthy to dictate my diction?
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