The Abandoned Draft and Consequence: Day 2

This was in my drafts when I looked at my account yesterday, the last thing I wrote and failed to publish before abandoning the JTL blogging in 2017.

It was titled “Writing, sharing, getting in touch with others - nah, fuck that: Day 15“

It’s quite obvious what happened after I began writing it.

I want to post it to expand on the lessons learned from the consequences of accepting this as my last post.

Here it is:

Not writing, not sharing, not getting in touch with others.

It has been 3 months since I have wrote anything in my journey to life blog. I also have fallen off with doing any sharing or getting in touch with others. I committed to doing that and things get worse when I don't. But, I still say fuck it and fuck that and who cares when I see that i'm just not doing it. And it doesn't make a difference that I don't do it. There's only a difference if I do these things.

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That was my final word before discontinuing participation in writing or sharing.

It is true, there’s only a difference if I do the writings, the self forgiveness, the introspection, the sharing in self honesty, and the actions that correct accordingly.

My apathy and indifference beyond this point led to nothing changing.

I spiraled further out of control in an unabated mood of self destruction.

I lost sight of purpose in what I was doing and with no structured practice that would lead to self correction, which is what the writing does, I went with the path of least resistance aka the patterns of my past.

Apathy leads to a-pathetic disposition.

Indifference to what makes a difference disregards my ability to change.

Let’s forgive this mistake:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose apathy and indifference to what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a path that makes no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk the path of apathy, where I no longer care what happens and submit to the fate of other forces beyond me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgo writing as the right thing where I’m forgiving and righting the wrong turns I take against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘fuck it’ and start fucking around until I’m fucked again by my fucked attitude as the ‘fuck it’ of apathy and indifference to writing myself out, sharing, and getting in touch with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences of this attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will send myself into time loops of facing consequences when I walk away from processing my life and authoring my experiences and living by principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded to and ignorant of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence myself to years of facing myself and falling without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to process this life purely by walking in time through experience after experience without the support of the tools I have available to me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I resist the tools, it means I am resisting the work, because it is only through the tools that I can work on and build the structures of my life that will support me to live and create effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer because I don’t want to do the work on a bad day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe anything will get better if I quit putting in the time and effort to perfect myself through reprogramming myself in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a passive death instead of an active life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wither away instead of building myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate consequence instead of processing my life in self honesty where I can put a stop to what I would face if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my fallen state as permanent and refuse to get back up because it seems easier to stop caring and just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I make no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these points go unchallenged within me and to just go along with the outflows of these thoughts and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unnecessary pain and consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the worst for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck off and fuck around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with fire, deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the evil that deliberately abuses self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anti-life programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take risks without considering the consequence.

When I see that I am about to give up my writing, I stop and I breathe. I simply won’t accept this thought or feeling as valid and stop participating in the reasoning behind it.

When I see that I am tempted to walk without the tools and do no more work, I stop and I breathe. The work is what makes this all work. It doesn’t work unless I do. I commit myself to the work, 24/7, 100% with no breaks because life doesn’t take breaks. I balance my life with work, so work is not a problem.

I commit myself to define the tools.

I commit myself to define the work.

I commit myself to working all my life with the tools that work, to integrate them so they become my expression.

I commit myself to understanding the tools.

I commit myself to understanding the work.

I commit myself to all life and binding my work to all life in the interest of what is best for all life, because this is the work that is best for me and creates a world that works for everyone as my work expression is something that takes everything into consideration.

I commit myself to eliminating apathy and indifference.

I commit myself to eradicating the self interest of my ego.

I commit myself to show no mercy for the anti-life programming as it is insidious and sneaky.

I commit myself to writing for myself as all as one as equal, where all my words direct life to investigate self in self forgiveness and self honesty, bringing everyone and everything here to reconsider the way we are living.

I commit myself to stand as life in support of life.

I commit myself to understanding my commitment intimately, that what I write here may be free of empty promises.

I commit myself to specifying my words and simplifying them to a point of practicality, where actions are clearly defined and it is easy to see how what I say can and will be applied.

I commit myself to no escape as I am always here.

I commit myself to letting nothing slide.

I commit myself to letting nothing hide.

I commit myself to share.