Here, I am (again): Day 1

 I am here, to begin again.
Aware of the failures of my past to write these life reviews.
Letting that go to begin here again, for a gain in presence in my own life.
It seems so much goes when I am gone, the absence of my self leads to the loss of many other things in my life.
I want to be here and remain here.
I gave up writing and when I give up writing, that is the end of a tremendous support and stability.
Time to forgive and go for the correction.

I forgive myself for giving up on my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end the support of my writing exercises.

I forgive myself that I am depressed.

I forgive myself that I am scared.

I forgive myself that I fear what I have given up.

I forgive myself that I have walked away.

I forgive myself that I think I can just give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be miserable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite the doom that is my mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moodiness into my heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit righting myself through writing
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed death within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed weakness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from what I know will make things better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone around me miserable through being depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control others through depression in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others through my sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think life is all gloom and doom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everyone down by letting myself down.

I forgive myself that I constantly allow downers in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take us all down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down into a pit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe reality is a downer, that everything is in this drowning downing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my ships by being a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my relationships by being depressed and controlling them with my negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a constant loser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed everything to get worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everyone with me into my depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that all I do is be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my depressing world view on those around me in subtle ways by shutting everything down until we're all sick with the same depressing view of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am the problem
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me to dominate my life and keep me from sharing things about myself and life that are vulnerable (like this self forgiveness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut everything down and lock it in place, just like this quarantine is a shutting of things to go down and lock everyone in place during this time of sickness and disease.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this shutting things down and keeping it inside, to be miserable with emotion, IS the disease/sickness that is killing us - because we are not sharing or for-giving ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything so heavy it can only go down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way to lift these weights is to forgive them, as these weights are debts that pull and subtract from our life - sucking the life out of everything around us.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is the problem with our whole world - that there is not enough of us forgiving ourselves to release us from this weight of debt/sin we are carrying on our shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and everyone else to go into isolation where we will live our lives in misery as we are now separated from each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life and living - which is OUT HERE - by shutting it out and shutting myself down, never letting myself out of my head or my house to connect with others and share in a meaningful life of EXPRESSION.

I forgive myself that I do not accept and allow myself to push through my apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself depressed by thinking about how nobody cares, or how little others cares, when it is in reality me who is not caring.. because I am not sharing.. and so within this I start to confirm my own thoughts and feelings through not sharing because I believe no one cares.. It is not about them - it is about me! If I care, I share!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all of this and accept the projection as a truth that I did not make up in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on everyone else by giving up on myself and caring about myself through sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness through the perceived loss of myself and that which I care about in my life - the things I would share about in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the sadness is self created because I have accepted the perceived loss of what I care about in my life by NOT SHARING myself with others as that which I care about in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness in my life through my resistance to giving, my resistance to forgiving, in which I would share that which I see, understand, realize, and care about enough to account for and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I can begin AGAIN and in that - A GAIN is GIVEN because I GAVE AGAIN IN FORGIVENESS OF MYSELF.

I commit myself to be here, again, and share myself with others as I share with myself in writing that which I care about in this life.. the connection and meaningfulness inherent in my expression.

I commit myself to begin the correction today, after writing this, by sharing this post on my social media and with those close to me - so that I can be seen, again, and also give others their opportunity to realize themselves within these points as I am realizing them within me.. because I know I am not alone and neither are you who are reading this.

I commit myself to come back here again, tomorrow, to write again and discover more of myself through forgiving myself and allowing myself to expand - to breathe some life again - and explore these weights that must be lifted.. so that I can put a stop to this downing of the ship I am sailing.

I commit myself to give up on giving up and to keep giving myself through forgiving myself so that I may unconditionally apply myself again and again.. for a gain in life that is best for all.

I commit myself to be honest with myself about the negativity I have accepted as the unchangeable truth about reality, to investigate what I am personally responsible for making a permanent misery for myself and others. That is unacceptable as that is how I create hell for myself and others. 

I will meet myself in this hell and forgive myself until the gates of heaven open within me.