Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Contextualized the Last 12 Years: Day 6

This blog is written after an important conversation I had with a Destonian I have rarely talked to. I will keep it short because I must sleep, but my commitment to write a blog stands here so I must write.

The last 12 years of my life in relationship to Desteni and the materials of the beings through the portal and Bernard Poolman have been coming into question for the past 5 years. 
Only now with this conversation that I just had have I been able to start seeing everything that’s happened in a new perspective. Things are starting to have context that never had context before and I can see much of my error and the errors of others within this.

Let me start off by saying I realize I know nothing (again). I know nothing about what all of this really is, as far as what I think I know which is the contents of my mind. Projections, reactions, imaginations, self-doubt and fears have clouded my understanding of what I have gone through. I thought I was just a hopeless loser that none of this was going to work for. I thought that most of you were light years ahead in self perfection. What I have read and understood was largely my own mental projections which are all in error to some degree because of the flaws of my own mind. 

I have developed ideas, beliefs, feelings/emotions, perceptions, attitudes, and inferiority/superiority complexes in relationship to the beings and the materials they have created. It’s all been a big misunderstanding and communication was not achieved like I believe. It all needs to be reinvestigated.

I am becoming free of these things through getting to know the beings and their material in one-on-one conversations with others. I have also dared to question myself in relationship to the names as words involved in all of this. My vocabulary as it has been developed is made up of wrongful interpretations and assumptions about things which I knew nothing about first hand. I was becoming aware of this years ago and it is becoming fruitful now.

What serves me best in these moments is not taking what is said for granted, nor who is saying it for granted. I have begun investigating myself and my own relationships to each being and the words they speak. I find that I always just assumed I knew what was being said to me and I am ceasing this behavior more often.

The fruits of this are, I have began to get new perspective and context on all that I have exposed myself to for the past 12 years and things are starting to make sense. My resistances are becoming clear as is my self honesty within those resistances. I am relieved to come back to my self and reality again. I now realize that as I am, I am enough to walk my process and share myself as I am. There has been lots of shame and guilt in my process about not being good enough, more self honest, more studious, more consistent, more disciplined, more committed, and more everything. It has only held me back in fear as inferiority paralyzed me and prevented me from applying myself. I have lived intimidated by what is being presented. It no longe scares me on an existential level. 

I have not allowed myself to share for many years because I felt I had betrayed principle after principle and application after application. I have missed many breathes, many opportunities, many connections, many moments to reach out, many moments to get help.. I have been far from perfect and consistent. In my eyes, I had not walked at all nor had I stood. My process has been alienating and very alone.

I have always been waiting to get better, to see myself differently, to perfect myself to a point of achievement, to a point of being exemplary before I could become an example.. before I could begin visibly sharing and expressing.

I realize now that there is no success needed to walk. I will certainly fail and fall. It is more certain than I will succeed. I have feared that all I would have to offer is an example of what not to do or who not to be. 

What I understand now is that is all out fo the window. It is garbage. I am who I am right here and there is no condition upon me needed before I can take up this process and walk. I can walk in whatever condition I am and apply myself as I am. Mistakes are welcomed. Imperfection is allowed along the road to self perfection. If anything, being in my fallen and goofy state full of foolishness is the best I could ask for to begin waking my process and applying myself.

I have addictions and self trust issues. I can be inconsistent and flakey. I can isolate and be lazy. These are all things I can correct within myself, but I do not need to eliminate these for me to begin right here and act today to make changes.
Just because I am not the shining star right now, doesn’t mean I can’t set an example that will support someone else. 

To walk with principles and to use these tools, it is not on me to never fail - in fact, most of what I do will be questionable! That’s great! Because I get to ask myself questions and have others ask me questions which will give us opportunities to learn.

I am here to learn and I am willing to change. That means I’m going to encounter challenges and fuck up. The whole name of the game is standing back up again. There is no guarantee I will get it right the first time or even the 51st time.

I am going to take the mess of gifts and curses I am today and take myself through the process that will sort this out into something of worth living. Something worth giving to the entire world.

There is no reason to wait.
No matter how bad I feel, I can act.
No matter how ugly I look, I can make a difference.
No matter how scared I am, I can change.
I do not need to feel better, as I am.. it can be done.
There is no requirement on my being to apply myself.
There is no condition I need to justify forgiving myself and moving forward.
I gift myself this chance to live, no matter my past or current state.

2 comments:

  1. Awesome Jonathan
    I myself have been a fuckup and a failure, and it is cool to not give up, no matter what. Do you think I have been perfect? Nope. Did I fall? Yes, up until days ago! There are dimensions to fuckups, because you fuck up in one way, transcend it, then fuckup in another way, transcend it -- at least it has been my experience! I know what it is with addiction, and can I say I am free? If I cross the 21 Days to freedom, stay without for 21 days then yes. By supporting yourself and sharing, you are helping many others! In every post, you can help so many people, that in turn can help many others, see how this spreads! I am not perfect, but I work on it. Cheers

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  2. Long story short. That’s why we walk our stories!

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