I am part of the Self-Perfected group on Facebook (I suggest joining us if you want to find your people).
This was the weekly challenge given on the 20th:
Date/Time to "take apart" and "process" my 1 thing holding me back.
SO. WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK?
THE NUMBER 1 THING.
Today is the day I decided, right this moment, to open it up.
I am here to do exactly that, because I need that more than anything.
My next logical steps, I have found, are not the things I can clearly see that I "should" do for the result that I see is best for me. The issue i've arrived at, with much resistance, is that my next logical steps are not steps that clearly lead me to the result i'm looking for (building my business, making more money, stopping the excuses). My next logical steps are the ones I want to avoid entirely and skipping past to get to the step (that I am also avoiding/resisting) because these next logical steps are not clear within me how or why they will matter in terms of where I want to go. To get where I want to go, it seems like a straight shot.. I can see the physical actions that would make a difference and help me achieve my results. The next logical steps I need to take are looking at the thing(s) I want to forget about.. just get over.. move on from.. so that I can focus on creating my future and what is best for all ( and best for me ).
That next logical step I am looking at is dealing with my addictions. You can call them distractions and that would also be true. They are my emotional instability and the way I am living that threatens my future and my ability to create it. That which is stealing my time and taking me away from what should be my priority. The things that I have made my priority, where what I am doing prior to everything else is participating in self-sabotage in such a way I threaten the rest of my life with these minor decisions in every day that subtly take me closer and closer to a miserable life not worth living.. where I may end up dead, diseased, or in prison.
I cannot share all the details of the path I have walked thus far to get here. Here being the place of potential, a space where I can resolve these issues, and change myself + the course of my life.
This blog series may take multiple writings and I may take it into private writing depending on what is safe to disclose.
The one thing holding me back is addiction/distraction/escape/suppression. These points come together as one, because where one opens up so do the others.
The demon-monster I have to face is my addiction to energy and things that give me energy with which to live in an illusion and feel-good alternate realities of my mind. Where I can feel good just for a second, to not have to face my reality. To not have to feel something I am afraid of.
I have been an addict since I was young, not able to recognize it until I was older and faced some consequences of my addiction that had become severe. I have been in jail, debt, broke, broken relationship after broken relationship, loss of material possessions, mental health, and physical health.
If it was all as easy as "just stop", I would have done so by now.
Unfortunately, for those of us who had it deeply ingrained in our programming through imprints and beings who support the imprint of addiction in us as we grow up - the cycle of self abuse through the abuse of substance(s) is generational and can be quite intense.
I have been turned against myself since I was young, by the removal of my center in elementary school.
The way my center was removed as a child, was by an imposition made by the teachers and the school system that I had behavioral problems. I could not FOCUS or PAY ATTENTION... the first thing you know about FOCUS is it is CENTRAL.. it means the center of your focus is compromised, subject to distraction by stimulation outside of you. Your focus is not your own and it has been corrupted by hyper-activity - by high energy stimulus. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 and since then I ate strongly dosed amphetamine pills.
This diagnosis and the feeding of pills as my pillars of support was the fist direct attack on my psyche and body, to separate me from my focus which has been possessed and obsessed with hyper-attention (they call it distraction) to energetic stimulus. I was a wild-child, free-spirited, fun-loving being that needed to be sedated for the needs and requirements of schooling.
That moment, upon reflection, reveals to me that I was given (and received) the messages that I am not enough on my own to function at the center of my being. I was doomed to external stimulus shifting my attention. I was corrupted (core-rupture) and thus would erupt from the rupture and explode with energy as hyper-activity. I was definitely quite the hyperactive child, which I suppose was from my first energy-addiction as sugar. I was always defined by the energy within me which was fed to me, to always be chasing more of it.. as an adrenaline junky, a gaming addict, a mischievous trouble-maker, taboo as can be, and a trespasser. I could not be still for long before I went on some adventure that invited risk into my life.. risks that I was without hesitation ready to take.
The solution to they came up with for my (mis)behavior and rebelliousness was to convince me that I was separate from my ability to focus, would always struggle with a challenge to FORCE myself to focus, and that because I was unable to calm myself.. I had no reach or grasp on my core.. that which would give me function over my focus.. therefore- my relationship with myself at my core/focus was deemed separated from me.. my only hope was to medicate my self.
This set a precedence for me to validate an external pill as a pillar of support in becoming stable.
This set a precedence for me that I am broken inside at my very core/focus.
This set a precedence that a chemical can be used to give me what I lack and that I could not resource this ability within myself through my own biological chemistry.
I was thus, now always in conflict with myself over controlling myself and my impulses and constantly having to choose between my "natural" state which I had defined as hyper, chaotic, obnoxious, and energetic (which I enjoyed and had great fun in being that).. or the pill or chemical that would 'stabilize' me in my core and allow me to focus, thus giving me the ability to function like a "normal" human being and go through this system as it was intended for me to go through it to become an adult.
These issues, indeed at their most basic level, imply that you are never going to grow up to become successful unless you find a way to FOCUS - because your core is broken, you will always be living in conflict with what to do with yourself - it BREAKS THE TRUST YOU HAVE WITH YOUR SELF.
It was one of the defining moments that broke me within trusting my natural learning ability - because I was explicitly told that I had a SERIOUS LEARNING PROBLEM - I AM A DISRUPTIVE FORCE.
Where is this all going?
I was diagnosed as having a core-problem.. I cannot focus, therefore I need drugs to help me calm down and sit before information that would bore me fairly quickly and actually focus on it long enough to complete the work.
The starting point for what I am dealing with goes back even before my experience in school.
I watched someone close in my life struggle with and deal with similar issues to me, all the way back to his childhood is how far back his issues went, that is what I learned.
The same with my another significant person in my family, to some degree; I learned the same thing about them.
There was drugs, alcohol, rebelliousness, fast lives, dangerous lives full of adrenaline seeking, and all the resulting inability to remain stable that came with it.. unable to properly focus on the future.. to build a life for themselves that they are happy with... and then the resulting imprisonment to the misery of having been possessed for so much of your life to chasing experiences.. going through highs and lows.. whatever the energy may be = women/men, relationships, drugs, some enticing distraction is always there to keep you from getting still and looking long into the future and who you are + will be if you continue living this way.
I am not here to air their issues - only mine. I don't know every detail of their story, only mine.
This is about me and I only mention my family as a point of reference to understand what I am facing on a genetic level that is choicelessly decided for me, just as it was done for them. I blame no one for this.
What I am bringing this up for is to show that within my genes is the memories of my ancestors, which I inherited the moment I was conceived.
These patterns run deep into the past and now into my body. The games, sugar, drugs, alcohol, porn, women (relationships, love, sex) have dominated my mind extensively - to the point I cannot say I know anything more familiar than these subjects. These are the subjects of my extravagant and traumatic excursions through entertainment and mental-masturbations.
All of my addictions have been the primary sole-cause preventing me from living my full potential.
I was clean and sober for about 2 years around 2015 until the Spring of 2017, when I had a very bad breakup. I made some exceptions to my principles and unwittingly opened up the flood gates. I had compromised my standing to help save a relationship, and it didn't work (I don't suggest conceding or compromising on the things which orient your life and bring some order to the world).
I fell off the wagon and slowly but surely..
I was back in throes of a creating an addiction where I was doing things on an infrequent basis, which is unacceptable to me because I saw the integrity in abstinence, but even just a casual cycle of use can start to throw you off.. and I was already emotionally unstable from the break-up, so here I was signing up for another ride throughout the years to resolve.
I went from being quite stable, directive, disciplined, and ready to show up for my life every day from the moment I opened my eyes... to throwing away consideration for my responsibilities, my future, my work, and so many other things that structured my life and kept the business of my life running.
I have to skip some private details here for practicality purposes.. but where I stand today, I am still dealing with some of these addictions to energetic distractions. I am afraid to feel things I don't want to feel. I know there is a dragon underneath my house, monsters under my bed, and skeletons in my closet... none of which I have felt remotely ready to face until now. I have been living with the stormiest cloud over my head with threats of death towards my freedom, life, health, relationships, and future.
When will I finally start taking this apart and processing it?
Well, what I have realized is I can start to process it now even while it is still happening.
I used to think I could not deal with it until I had stopped.
I have been utterly ashamed of what I have done and who I have become, none of which I am now.. but still share a resemblance to. I am here for the revival of myself from within these harbingers. I am here to change my relationship to these points, so that the conflict within me may end.
I have found that turning against them does nothing but polarize and in that polarity a cycle of returning back to them happens.. therefore, I am here for transcendence and integration of these points within myself.
I cannot escape the darkness in me, I can only change my relationship to that which constitutes it and the darkness itself.
I have recently understood, through a conversation with someone with profound insight, that the ugly truths about those of us with hardcore relationships to addiction.. it may be that we never get away from it. That it is not as simple as it first looks. The solutions are simple in many cases, yes, but the way they are solved is not so straightforward.
First of all, the damage I do to my own self-image for what I do or have done will not help.
The shame, guilt, pain, misery, escapism, and all that I judge myself for and beat myself up for - it will never change through what I produced in participation of it.
Feeling bad doesn't change me, although it may help sometimes, because /I change me/.
I may do the things I despise most about myself again.. I may make the same mistake again..
Yet, what counts is getting back up and moving forward.
Forgiving myself for the abuse of my substance through substance-abuse is the one of the priorities in working on myself within this.
The second is pushing myself back to what has given me passion and purpose in life - because it is in these things that I am able to almost effortlessly leave these things behind.. because the mind and life of an addict is so self-centered and selfish.. the solution is in changing self to be unlimited through unconditionally serving a purpose higher than just myself and my pain/pleasure.
The solution is in the problem and the solution will often look similar to the problem.. if we can see and apply the common sense in the principle that, "like cures like".
This video here is relevant to what I aim to apply in order to solve this problem of what's holding me back: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=great+leaders+do+what+drug+addicts+do
After watching this video, I realize there is a potential for my greatest weakness to become my greatest strength... that what is holding me back can be the very key to what moves me forward.
And as long and hard as this has held me back, I think of it like a bow and an arrow...
I have drawn back, held my self back, and when I can finally orient this resistance I am facing to something much greater than myself - by aiming for the stars - then I can let go and watch my focus bring me to the bullseye of my life.
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Taking this writing of myself to freedom into practical steps;
What is holding me back? Addiction which is also distractions/escapism (drugs, games, porn, social media)
What can I do to take a step forward? Forgive myself for the shame that has-me (anagram of shame), get off the guilt trip I am giving myself, stop feeling sorry for myself and get out the pit of pity, orient myself to what is best for all.. that which will have me resting among the stars... and let go of all the contracting parts of myself holding on to watch me move forward with great precision and speed.
I can look at HOW I will eventually stop after I slow down within these points.. but more importantly, I will look into the WHY behind I will stop.. because there isn't really a "HOW" to stop.. I know I can stop.. it's a matter of choice or decision in a moment that is fully supported - so that it is a FULL STOP with the FULL FORCE of my PRESENCE.
I will not fool myself here by making any promise, it is a process to be taken one at a time and assessed within each step. I have stopped before and I can stop again.
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Self-Forgiveness to Give Way:
I forgive myself that I doubt somewhere within myself that I will stop because I know that as long as I accept these substances and objects in my life to distract me through giving me pleasure... I will have a lapse in my judgment and allow myself to use that which I have allowed to remain here around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's impossible for me to stop because I have tried before and I can't quite explain to myself in any way without excuse why I am back where I said I would never go again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never giving up that which I have used to destroy myself and my relationships.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of drugs.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of women.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of gaming.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of sugar.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of that which gives me a high.
I forgive myself that I am afraid of porn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anything that might give me a high because I know how I behave and who I become when I get high on anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonize and separate myself from anything that I have had an addiction to.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the complexity of addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self interest in me of having an addiction I can run to when i'm not feeling okay and want to escape or hide from what I am feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear when it comes to who I am as an addict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have become as an addict in the attic of my mind, isolated and in secret possession of things which get me off, get me high, and help me daydream of better things and feel better inside.
I forgive myself that I refuse to give up feeling good because I fear feeling so bad that there is nothing I know how to do to get rid of that bad feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to get rid of some really bad feelings I have inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself when I am alone with my dark thoughts and feelings, so I seek some escape from my own mind through some addiction to a particular type of energy to deal with the shit I see and feel in my own mind/body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill myself with substance-abuse as these substances abuse my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that substance abuse is an attempt to replace the substance of life within the physical with an energetic high that destroys the body and separates me from who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed substances separated from myself to define myself and to define them as the key to change, the key to fun, and the key to feeling better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the damage I have done to myself as my body and my mind through drugs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the visible effects my addictions have had to me and my body + mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to numb the pain within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this statement of "oh shit" within me, like, "what have I done?" and to reel in fear of what I have done to myself and the shit i've gotten into.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing this post with anyone because it starts to reveal more of who I am, the part of me that I hate, fear, judge, have damaged, and am ashamed of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as a drug user/abuser.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as an addict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have done to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to talk about this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that there is no solution to this other than to stop, which may be true, but I am afraid of the consequences because I have not stopped completely yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I had more to say write now that had some hope or answer to everything I had written, yet there is none at the moment.
I can only take a step forward and leave this behind, to choose a new person to be tomorrow and set an example for those walking with me or by themselves.
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Self-Corrective Statements to Core-rect the Core:
I realize I can just throw everything I have away that I am abusing and not pick up anymore.
I realize I can limit my use of the computer to that which is productive and limit my social media use to interacting with others in a meaningful way.
I realize I can build my business and focus on that, because there is greater purpose within that which extends well beyond me.
I realize I can keep walking and working with DIP because that is also purposeful and meaningful and it will allow me to more effectively process my points within addictions to many things.
I realize I can investigate this writing again tomorrow and expand on it some more, because many points opened up and I have only narrowly guided myself through a few of them in the self forgiveness.
I realize I can look at what my passion and purpose in life is, that way my mind will not be filled and prioritizing drug use over that which serves life itself and those around me.
I realize there is redemption.
I realize I can be vulnerable and allow myself to get help.
When and as I see myself going into doom and gloom over my various addictions which weighs on me heavy, because of the many years I have participated in them, I choose to SLOW DOWN, STOP, and BREATHE. As I slow down, stop, and breathe.. I can take into consideration the consequences of my actions if I participate in the addiction... and when I do that, I commit myself to be sensitive to the consequences I am considering by placing myself in the shoes of all those I will affect - including empathy for myself - that way I can consider the consequences from a point of effectiveness as I am looking at how it will effect ME INCLUDED. That will make the consideration more effective, because I know once I face the consequences I will REALLY FEEL IT.. and I know it sucks once I get there, but I always tend to disregard it through insensitivity or apathy.
I commit myself to breathe through my reactions more when faced with temptation as it is an energetic reaction leading me to an experience I have been through many times and there is no point I want to justify in what it does for me. I know that I have moments of bliss or relaxation or peace but they always come at a cost and are not real moments, so they are not worth considering when making a decision.
I commit myself to stop myself for a moment when I am impulsive and decide NO - to NOT do that thing, whatever is impulsively coming up, UNTIL I have considered all dimensions I possibly can - then I can reassess my decision.. but my decision to act impulsively is met with a NO as I am not looking out for myself.
I commit myself to look for more blogs, audios, interviews, and people who have walked this point within their specific life to a point they are satisfied with so that I can learn from others on what worked for them and what didn't.
I commit myself to following the examples of those who have dealt with such a strong pattern of addiction in their life, that were able to then live a life I want to live - so I can study the model of success that mirrors my life accurately.
I commit myself to give up the excuses and justifications I have for using and feeding my addictions.
I commit myself to listen to my body and what it is telling me when I am abusing it through substance abuse... because the real abuse of substance is happening to my body and that is unacceptable.
I commit myself to be more grateful for my body who has carried me so far through this gauntlet and allowed me to reach a foreseeable conclusion to this mad adventure.
I commit myself to standing up and standing out as best as I can until I can reach others like me, because I know how hard this is and has been.. and it would be of great service to accelerate the processes of many others like me to help them along.
I commit myself to acting intelligently in my best interest by prioritizing this issue that I have identified for now as the 1 thing holding me back the most, if it is in the way - then it is the priority today until it is no longer!
I commit myself to coming up with more specific solutions to what I have written.
I commit myself to ascertain a solution that I am absolutely certain about will work.. to then test it out.
I commit myself to keep applying myself and sharing to make a difference in this world, despite not having all my shit together and feeling like a hypocrite or like I am unworthy of what I want to do and who I want to be because of what I participated in.
I commit myself to reread these blogs and go through my statements with a fine-tooth comb to fine-tune what I have written.. by calling out vague ways of writing and impractical parts.
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