Starting Point Self-Forgiveness: Day 3

Self-Forgiveness on what came up within me while writing and reading my previous 2 days:

Reference point for where to start is on Day 1,

"If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart."

Self-Forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop working with the tools and material.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from the opportunity to face myself and know myself better than I ever have before. 
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather figure things out in my mind and through consequences rather than through a process of working through my programming to understand and sort things out within structure and according to principles.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this pattern in me I am facing did not start with Desteni, because what Desteni represents is myself and the process of getting to know myself, face myself as my fear, understand how I work, and change. It is what Desteni stands for about myself that I fear. I went into reaction about what Desteni represents to me. It is a gift.
7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear to define me.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from process in my mind.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that I could "leave" process, because I thought that no longer using the tools or participating with the individuals would mean I wasn't part of this process. 
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can leave when I am always here with all that is here, even if I don't fully realize it or see it.
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inconsistencies.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the idea of leaving, like I have abandoned myself as a coward.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear. (changing the wording from previous statement)
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within fear as hiding.
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide out of fear.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others out of fear.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from my fear of myself.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing myself.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I already know about myself.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid beginning my journey to life and starting this process within Desteni fully because of my fear/ my ego.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get in my way of living life.
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as doubt.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as uncertainty.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferiority.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a quitter.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a coward.
29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in relationships.
30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I don't know anything and ignore what is going on that I am aware of like an ostrich with it's head in the ground.
31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within relationships.
32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself.
33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and getting to know myself.

Self-Commitment

1. I see that this process existed since the beginning, before Desteni we didn't have access to certain dimensions and therefore information, we didn't have specific vocabulary to see and understand exactly what is/was going on, and because of what had been applied by every being in existence up until that point - we were fucking ourselves blindly and in ways we couldn't imagine. The gift of Desteni is specificity, completeness, totality, and practicality.
   
2. I realize that I am Here = I am Still Here, as I always was Here.. when I thought I was Gone, therefore a Goner, because where I walked was through my mind without the support of these tools.
   
3. I commit myself to stop this thought, this idea that I can "leave" or that I will be "gone" if I walk without the tools and to question why I would entertain the idea of not using what I have to support myself. The tools, material, principles, and message of Desteni is with me forever - I cannot unsee or forget. This idea is of separation.
4. I commit myself to examine this separation within me where I am not equal to and one with Desteni + the tools, principles, material, people, and message that is in the Desteni name - to then question and forgive this separation.
5. I commit myself to stand equal to and one with/as Desteni in my name as my body, being, and mind... to embrace it as myself and understand it as such that I will not accept and allow these ideas that are but separations of myself from what is here that I have encountered. I recognize myself as Desteni. I recognize myself in the words that are written and spoken. I stand with them.
   
6. I commit myself to relearn what I already know and remind myself of what I already know to apply it. I have walked a process already that I have learned from and I will apply these lessons.
7. I commit myself to learn what self-commitment means to me such that I understand self-commitment and can therefore live it and consider my commitments to myself with clarity.
8. I commit myself to face my fears and educate myself on them that I may transcend them instead of become their slave as a coward by first writing out what specific fears I have that are holding me back the most (like sharing myself and putting myself out there).
9. I commit myself to stand up for myself when I am abusing myself in my mind with backchat and negative emotions that run through me like a river of doubt, shame, fear, and uncertainty to suppress my self expression and self expansion, to in this standing up for myself say "no more. no more self victimization, self-punishment, regret, and pity - I am here to support myself in all ways that I may be, do, give, and have the best in this life."
10. I commit myself to patience in walking my process, patience being that knowingness and gentleness with which I carefully work with myself to build trust with me. I am aware of pitfalls previously walked, dangers of self sabotage I may face again, and the time involved in missing nothing that I can see self-honestly.
11. I commit myself to use the resources available to me to support myself thoroughly, because I have found that there was an audio, an article, a person, a tool, or a perspective that could have helped me with a point I was facing or a mistake I have made or an illusion I was in.
12. I commit myself to clear my starting point and define my purpose by reading, writing, and investigating the words I read and write about this.
13. I commit myself to knowing myself instead of creating confusion in my mind about who I am.

Start as You Mean to Go On: Day 2

 Examining the words Starting Point before continuing on with my previous post:

The Starting Point Determines Everything.
The Beginning was Placed at the End.
How things Begin is (often) how they End.
(this is why Change is so important, because the Origin of What is Here is fucked)
Input = Output
What is First will be Last and what is Last will be First.
(referencing and applying the Principle of Everything is in Reverse)

_________

Why I am asking these questions below is not to search. It is to access myself as a whole for REsearch.
I am here and what exists inside me is everything relevant to me and the QUESTion.
Everything is here, the resources are available, so the question is always about accessing what is here.
Why am I here, writing about this?
Why am I here, participating in this process?

Because to correct my starting point means I correct where I will arrive.. my destination. In this context, we can say my starting point is also my destiny.

Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.

The Beginning was Placed at the End. The Starting Point Determines Everything.

Thus, I found Desteni which emphasizes exactly this point. Demonstrating the central importance of walking back through my memories to the origin of my Self with Self-Forgiveness.

I am here because I know what i've accepted and allowed throughout my life is not okay and I have compromised my life with what I have participated in. I see what has become of myself and the consequences of giving up, living in a cycle that I created.

What is clear to me about myself within my starting point is that I will always come back here until I do this all the way and give everything I have, until I can actually DO IT - until IT IS DONE. 
I get a flash memory of this old man I saw on some article or news clip, he was in his 70s or higher. He had taken his driver's license test too many times to count in his life. Such a simple thing to most people, and he did it for years until they finally granted him one. 
I think of him because I can see that determination in myself.
The failures have felt miserable and I did not immediately get back up every time. I do not always immediately get back up and apply myself again. Yet, here I am and I will always find a way.

My starting point is full of shit. Even in what I just wrote, there are more layers that need to be expressed and cleared up within this process. It is a mess, yet in it is some understanding and not all is lost.

I am writing this to (re)start my process (again) with the best foot forward. I am participating in this process because of my potential which I know deep down is more than what i've accepted. 

I am weary and wary because I am aware of where I began, where things went, and where it's ended before. 
My reluctance to walk process is based in fear of my patterns from my past.
Thus my memories surrounding how I began, what I faced, and where I fell is what I will process with self-forgiveness again.

I will move slower within myself as I walk this out and make time to be thorough in my self-examination. There are multiple dimensions to assess for my solution and I will access everything relevant to the point.
I have not even wrote a self-forgiveness statement yet because I want to see what stories I tell myself about this and what sort of explanations + questions arise from that.

What I have gathered from my writing thus far is my correction is to stop where I am at, standing before everything here on this page in my words, and start with all the fucked up shit I can see from the beginning.
To get clear on what this process means to me, why do I even want to do this, and sift through my answers using my bullshit filter to get to the bottom of this.

It is said to do this for your self. The only way for me to do that is to answer with what that means. I don't have the most precise specifics. Just what I found out when I used the tools. There was benefits. There is benefits. I can see the development of my potential. I was more certain and stable. Life definitely got better as I was consistent and genuine in my learning of them. That is why I want to do this for myself at the moment, because that was awesome and powerful.

Next blog, I will take this spelled out intention to practice with the structured process and the tools I understand. I will be (re)learning what I already know and seeing what will be most effective. I already have questions in terms of what will work best. All I know now is to trust the process and see what happens in the moment of application.

To here for now.

(Re)Starting Point: Day 1

What should I examine first?

The starting point; why I am here, where I am coming from, my reason for beginning, the qualities of my first step.

It's all here as me/with me. What does that mean? I look at myself/my experience while I also look at this page I am filling with words. Here in my body, mind, and being is the direct answer to my starting point. To what degree i'll be able to access the most important points for myself to examine, I am not certain, although I can certainly access what's in my face - that's the interface/surface of my programming. 

I am here because I am still fucked and I want to be free. I am here writing this because I want to support myself again within writing. I am here because I know if I can balance myself and my time within using all the tools available in this process, I will become the person I dream of.

As i've grown older, I see that I was preprogrammed to fail miserably in life with great potential held in front of me like a carrot stick. 

If I don't walk this process and have to return to my preprogramming, I will struggle to reconcile the lost opportunity and the thought of what if I had walked this process fully.

I understand that everyone is always in process, so this idea that I could have left it or that I have yet to walk any sort of process is just an idea. To walk with the tools, the material, and the message is still quite different than to go without the detailed awareness of what is happening.

If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart.

This isn't all written in order, these are the elements of the pattern.

Going into a memory:
In the beginning, facing the points Desteni material shares - I feel terrified. It is over my head. I study hard. I want to figure this out. I am perplexed, puzzled, but know this is the answer. I don't know how this could all be known, how this could all have happened. I feel insignificant. Not only do I lose everything i've known, I learn how I am a piece of shit in my own mind. I understand now that there are layers of interpretations and reactions here which the material is not responsible for - but in the beginning, when I started, it was like I was having deep existential criticism imparted on me. I went into existential dread for years. It wasn't all bad, because I saw the potential of life in those words. I read some words that freed my mind from things I didn't even know were trapping me.

Where then is the fall for me? I couldn't read. I couldn't see. I wasn't clear. All of the details of how I was fucking up ran rampant in my mind. I feared for my life after death, just in the context of a new religion that I was creating in my mind for what I had found. Then came the others, the world at large that was not "in-the-know". I passionately shared what I was learning and received silence from my world. In the silence and after it; the skepticism, judgment, ridicule, gossiping, and betrayal began. I perceived myself as persecuted for my new religion and my behavior was branded as cult-like. I must have accepted the branding because it seeded doubt in me.

I was in denial at the time, but what I have learned since then is that I have been a prisoner to other's minds- their thoughts of me mattered more to me than who I am to myself. I spent much time in the mirror of their words in my own mind, reacting to them. I suppressed this point because I believed or wanted to be someone who doesn't give a fuck and I acted like it didn't matter. Behind the suppression, I was unclear of the words I was standing in front of, unclear of my self, and in fear of how my world was changing before my eyes. I was alone within a world given to me through the internet. A world not visited by anyone I know in real life. A world rejected and resisted, even though it is the only one I was able to find gifts to free myself, to make life easier, and actual answers that were consistent across time. 

_____

I stopped writing to look into EQAFE interviews and found this:
Being Destonian the World Matrix

This was supportive to my writing because it brings up the dimension of how people behave with their religions. I had a lot of reactions listening to this interview where I was very uncomfortable having a look at how I have lived in relationship to Desteni. The word RELIGION stands out to me, from my writing and from this interview. I have been an Observer of Religion. I Observe Desteni as my Religion and I am uncomfortable, shy, unsure of sharing about my religion. It is like the memories that exist collectively of religion are my experience of Desteni, where everyone with a religion has another world they bring into this one and we all keep our religions largely to ourselves. Not everyone does, but many certainly do, and in the interview it talks about participants and observers. My pattern has been to keep most of it to myself because what I believe might be received in a way I don't want it to. I want it to be received in the light I see it. When someone else doesn't see it that way or attacks it, I go into reactions.

Will continue this post in the next one.

Facing the Dragon's Breath: Day 13

 My last post was on breathing and what I have come to realize lately is that I have no foundation and no ability without breathing to be able continue this process.
Breathing is what carries us through the onslaught of the mind, as Bernard had put it. I have seen this directly in my own life, so that quote is no longer just words.. I see the truth in my own life.
I have decided to practice Wim Hof's breathing with my girlfriend.. That will be my starting point for practice that I will have a buddy in. I will work in the 4 count breathing in-between this practice as Wim Hof's method is not aimed at a consistent, livable structure of breathing effectively.
I must also get on more phone calls with my friend to expand my understanding and application of breath as he has put in quite a bit of work to flesh out his application.
In my last post I said I would clarify the point a bit more in self forgiveness in my next post, so I will begin that self-forgiveness now: (EDIT: I did not realize this point of the dragon's breath would open up, so bear with me as the self forgiveness opens up the point i'm seeing in multiple ways)

I want to leave some references for this self forgiveness on breathing here: -----------

Breathing is what carries us through the onslaught of the mind. - BP

Breath as the Answer to Life - EQAFE interview

Bernard mentioned that what they found within this process is that NO ABILITY REMAINED THAT WAS NOT DEVELOPED IN BREATH. 

This means that whatever ability/response-ability I will be able to develop will only be supported to stand the test of time/death through breath alone.

BREATH IS THE FOUNDATION FOR ALL ABILITIES. IT IS WHAT ENABLES.

Wim-Hof's research proves this as he has demonstrated Breath is the Access Point for All the Physical Systems. Research his material to find the understanding.

Jordan Peterson also pointed out that Breath is the "bridge" between the conscious and subconscious/unconscious as it is the one faculty that is mostly instinctual/unconscious that can also be consciously controlled.

Breath is Discipline - BP

Breath is also directly related to the Heart, the most obvious connection being it's ability to regulate the Heartbeat

Breath is factually the Spirit of Man as the root of Spirit is the Latin, "Spirare" which means BREATH.
____________


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist breathing in self awareness.

I forgive myself that I do not breathe effectively.

I forgive myself that I have separated myself from my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my breathing to be separated from everything else I do, seeing breath as breath-alone as if it is not intimately, inextricably one and equal with the rest of my biological systems and mind systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create breath as an experience of fighting, I am fighting to take another breath, succumbing to shallow and unconscious breaths where I forget myself and breathe as if I am asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recognize all these great things about breath, to see the significance and importance of breathing and yet do nothing with it.. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist disciplining myself in breathing.

I forgive myself that I struggle to breathe.

I forgive myself that I feel like I am suffocating and unable to breathe properly.

I forgive myself that I am suffocating myself with emotions and feelings when I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much shit built-up within breath that I cannot enjoy a single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in my application of breathing because it feels like too much, I struggle too hard to consistently do it and to do it right, so therefore - fuck it.. i'll just let my body breathe however it wants to.

I forgive myself that I have not corrected my relationship with breathing and thus be fucked when it comes to breathing in a way that might actually support me.

I forgive myself that I do not want to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed apathy within my breath, where I do not really care if I take another breath or not or what the quality of that breath is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, and experience breathing as a chore.

I forgive myself that breathing feels like a chore.. a labour.. like i'm forced to do it and that I have to push myself like i'm giving birth, which I then feel like giving up because it's too hard to push this much to get out - to get to the other side of this laborious chore.

I forgive myself that I just want to get this over with.. the breathing.. the writing.. the self forgiveness.. the working through the tough, heavy, negative experiences of living through the accumulated consequences of what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I need, or think I need, something to live for to continue doing this.. because just living through this on it's own is not enough.. like just being here, breathing, isn't enough on it's own and I want something more to ASPIRE to.. something to help me RESPIRE/RESPIRATE... some sort of ASPIRATION to GIVE ME A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.. to feel like I can actually BREATHE again.. because this doesn't feel like breathing.. it feels like i'm breathing in sludge and heavy toxic fumes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my breathing to become heavy, like sludge, where when I breathe it is like toxic fumes.. just hot air that is suffocating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffocate myself by breathing in the spirit and essences of death.. the spirits of apathy, indifference, malice, spite, vengeance, hate, darkness, evil, negativity.. and more ---- Apathy, Indifference, Darkness, Heaviness and Negativity define this experience the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe in negative emotional energy and fill my body with charges that my body cannot sustain itself properly with.. forcing myself to live off the worst of me and what is in my spirit and heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have actually been breathing, because this breathing as I know it is not the Breath of Life. It is something else.

I forgive myself that I thought I knew what breathing is, or that I think I am actually breathing... because breath is supposed to be life itself and the answer.. yet what I breathe in is a terrible answer and a heavy life, like a sigh but with no relief...a constant pressure that doesn't want to release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be looking for the breath that is right under my nose to answer all my problems.. because there is no need to look for this answer, it has always been here and I have neglected it in my application.. I have neglected to apply it.. and with how I have applied it, I have just been breathing hot air like a dragon.. carrying on the spirit of a dragon, filled with a fire that I breathe into the world around me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, seen, or accepted that the breath I am breathing IS my answer.. and that I simply do not like the answer my breath is revealing to me.. and that this is why I have this experience and aversion to investigating and reflecting on my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this issue within my tissue as the breath that enters my lungs and becomes the spirit I embody - for it to go on, to drag-on as a dragon that is growing fed up.. as I have fed myself with so much discontent for the way I am living.. the breath that is giving me life is also the breath with which I will leave this life if my time were to come.. 

I forgive myself that I have not honored this breath as my self and the spirit of this dragon within me as  myself.. because the beast is awake and the discontent has come to a limit, where now I must act.. no more dragging on like this. The beast must come out and this breath of fire must be put to good use... 

- To burn away the dead wood and all that needs to be cleared by fire... Instead of burning down the village nearby.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use this heavy heat that is within my core and the fiery fumes of my breath to make the changes in my life that is best for all, by directing myself in breath towards that which is unacceptable and unallowable.. to eliminate that which is no longer serving me and clear a way out of our situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel within me when I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dragon/the beast within my breath, as the spirit of which I embody.. because spirit comes from spirare which means breath, and thus spirit is factually the breath and the spirit of a dragon is the breath of which is usually an element like fire, ice, poison - etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dragon and the beast within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my spirit(s) that I embody within breath.

I forgive myself that I deny these spirits and the spirit itself for what it is - real in-so-far as I am the one that lives the definitions and experiences of these spirits.. it is all in a breath.. and that is how I live.

I forgive myself that I fight within myself to suppress the spirit of my breath and what is within it, because I fear who I am and what I have accepted and allowed as what possesses me.. the feelings/emotions and accompanying thoughts that characterize these fictional spirits that I make real and create friction with through the fictional drama that creates trauma within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that breath IS the answer to life.. and that it IS what will carry me through the onslaught of the mind.. to take me from the unconscious/subconscious slumber of my mind into awareness, where I can practice life in wakefulness and determine what spirits shall come and go within me as my breath - the de facto spirit of my body.

________

This was a lot of self forgiveness and the language was more ethereal, spiritual, and mystical than it was practical.. so I will come here again tomorrow to bring this to earth in more practical language and apply the self-corrective statements to flesh this out into something tangible and applicable to everyone in common sense. 

This language I use is what supports me in walking through my mind and my experience of it. This is how the energy of what I am in really feels like, yet there is a practicality within it which I will demonstrate in the next post. If I give myself a day, I will be able to assess the points specifically and take them into real time actions. I look forward to showing what I can do with this. 

Enjoy.

4 Count Breathing and Wim Hof Breathing: Day 12

With my most recent section in DIP Lite at lite.desteniiprocess.com..
I have decided to focus more on my breathing application.
I want to enter in all the vocabulary terms from my reading in this latest section.
I am going to create lists from the course in DIP Lite on breathing and self-honesty.
I will also be diving into Wim Hof's methods as he has proven a great deal with his practices regarding breathing and cold-exposure.

I am going to combine Desteni material, Wim Hof's breathing, cold exposure, and material from a book called The Presence Process which deals exclusively in breathing.
I have no self-forgiveness to share on this because I have to sleep. I will expand on the breathing point to clarify my starting point within it and the material tomorrow.
I have had quite a few conversations with my friend Matthew on breathing and I see this is the next point for me to focus on.
I'm going to also write more for myself in my blog, because this process and journey is about me.
I have a lot to figure out before I have something that isn't completely muddled with reactions to share with others.

I need to focus on selling and rebranding myself on social media, as well.
There is much work to be done.
Goodnight.

Consistency and Conflict: Day 10 (6 day absence)

I have not wanted to write recently. I have accepted and allowed myself to go without, even after writing specifically on the consequences of it. Anxiety has built up over the issue and I’ve compounded the point within me. It’s a conflict of interests within me. I did not resolve the conflict or resolve myself to follow through with my commitment to writing. 

My justifications for doing so were I had ‘nothing’ to write about, except that I didn’t want to despite knowing there was things I could write about. I thought it was a waste of time and I would rather go with what I felt the least resistance to. I thought that whatever I wrote would be half-assed shit that wasn’t worth reading. I did not force myself to write because I didn’t want to feel the conflict or see what I was feeling that was causing me so much discomfort inside.

Writing with consistency based on time conflicts with writing based on quality, because when I am too possessed with internal conflict to write one day then my consistency in terms of quality will take a hit.

Am I consistent if I am writing every day but it is not the quality I want to consistently deliver?

It’s a two part equation at the moment from what I can see.

Consistency would be to have both:

A regular time

A standard quality

If I don’t have one, I am likely to lose the other.

Moving to the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to live consistently within writing where I show up at a regular time and write according to my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed conflict within me to build up to the point of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on writing because I can’t seem to get out what’s going on inside in a way that I am happy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to dominate my decision-making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the mood I am in and sacrifice my commitments to myself within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under estimate the issue of energy in the tissue impulsing me and directing my thoughts and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy possession to dictate what I do and do-not.

I forgive myself that I have not created and lived a solution to my instability within emotions and feelings, where I am constantly giving into the energy created from my internal conflict as the cognitive dissonance in my mind.

I forgive myself that I listen to, accept, and allow the emotions and feelings within me that are in conflict as if multiple personalities are waging war over the interests of where I place my attention and what I do with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotional instability, which creates instability in my commitments like in writing- where I fall short of my goals and subtract from the progress I was making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use internal conflict to move and motivate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the conflicts within me unresolved where they build up energy that possesses me and I hope/wish that the ‘good’ side of me wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when the fighting as the internal conflict becomes too much and so I give in to my resistances because it’s easier to just let go of whatever I’m fighting with myself about doing / not doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed giving up as a solution to internal conflict and resistance to doing what is best for all/me + what I have self commitment to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stress I experience from my internal conflict and resistance, because I feel like I’m gonna make bad decisions or go deeper into a spiral.. winding myself too tight like a spring that’s going to explode from tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because I know I’m going to write half-assed shit when I am stressed out, conflicted, and emotionally unstable.

Self-Correction:

When and as I am conflicted within emotions and feelings, stressed out, and unstable.. 

I stop and I breathe.

I consider the mental state I am in and what my body is experiencing.

I consider if the state I am in is too possessed to write at the moment / apply myself within commitment and if it is ‘too much’ for me to handle, also if it is ‘too late’ to do what I committed myself to do.

I consider what I can do if it’s too much or too late, such as walking away to go do something physical and breathe so I can come back to try again.. or if I can simply write less and save myself from breaking the commitment I made for the day. Worst case scenario is I have to do it the next day.

I commit myself to come back and give the writing another go and to shorten the time between walking away and coming back.

I commit myself to, when I give up, to only ‘give up’ temporarily within what needs to be given up...

I commit myself to give up the conflict, the fighting, and the resistance.. in this, I commit myself to keep the writing commitment.. to keep the point I am resisting or fighting.. but not the drama surrounding it.

I commit myself to breathe more, even though I may not be successful at breathing through the possession to a point of clarity or stability every time.. 

I commit myself to learn what it means to effectively breathe through my reactions and be here, finding ground, coming home to myself, seeing me through the resistance and the conflict of the war within.

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes, even if I learn slowly and it takes me many attempts, and to keep making efforts despite my almost immediate and sudden failures within my commitments.

I commit myself to detailing more thorough and self-realistic commitments that reflect a deeper awareness of who I am and what I know about myself.. thus I work with where I am really at and avoid unnecessary frustration and disappointment because I know how often I will fail and how/why + with what I will fail.

I commit myself to directly face what failures already exist within me that I know I will experience and walk through.

Paradoxes of Self-Forgiveness or The Reason for it?: Day 9

I have written a few days in a row without the forgiveness statements.
I have resistance to self-forgiveness, despite what I know with absolute certainty about it.
Why do I resist what I know is the most superior advantage in this world?
Because I don't want to forgive, yet I do..
I have vengeful self-hate within me.
I have resentment and distrust.
I am troubled with many things in my mind.
I am conflicted within and do not always carry the peace in my words.
I am at war within my own awareness.
I have cognitive dissonance

Therefore,
How can I forgive in this state of mind?
How can I dare make a statement so contradictory to what i've seen in my heart and mind?
I ask these questions in doubt and will answer for it.

I have seen the way and practiced self-forgiveness with some relief and benefit to my life.
The thing i'm here to resolve is this:
I can't make peace if i'm forgiving me without actually meaning it.
I have seen that self-forgiveness can be insincerely expressed, even when it is correct to express it.

So....
When is Self-Forgiveness actually real?
I have heard the answer to this before, but have to give myself the answer for me to really get it.
I have cognitive dissonance because I have conflict within me when I forgive myself.
That seems paradoxically appropriate and inappropriate.
If i'm forgiving myself, then why the conflict?
Because the reason why IS the conflict.
Yet, the conflict must cease if I am forgiving - right?
What if the conflict does not cease when I forgive?
What if I cannot forgive while I am in conflict?

The first word that comes up for me to begin answering these questions is:
Unconditional.

To unconditionally forgive myself, I cannot just give up forgiving myself because it doesn't feel right.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive myself no matter the condition I am in.
To unconditionally forgive myself, I would forgive even when faced with what I believe is unforgiveable - because forgiveness with a condition over when and why I forgive will simply allow to continue the condemned and fallen state I find myself in.. The version of me that needs forgiveness the most is the version I am unwilling to forgive. The reason I would not forgive is the reason I must forgive.

I said I don't want to forgive myself, and yet I do.. because although how I am living does not currently reflect perfect self-forgiveness.. there are many indications in my existence and the one we share that reflect a desire for self-forgiveness. I recognize the want to forgive myself as an answer I don't want to hear. It's the solution to the pain, the debt, and the charges against myself. The want to escape can be seen as the want to forgive. The want to let go and relax is a reflection of the desire to forgive. You can give the motion many different names, but self-forgiveness is in essence what it can be reduced to. The mechanism of release and the ability to just be and reflect on self's existence is the same. 

Self-Forgiveness is the specific name of the act that is most resisted, though, because it carries a lot of bullshit... paradoxically, this is because it also carries the exact nature of the solution to the bullshit within us. It is how we can reveal and sort through ALL the shit within us.

Then, What is Self-Forgiveness without All the Bullshit?
I resist forgiving myself because I can get carried away forgiving myself out of desperation for relief.
I resist forgiving myself because I sometimes start using self-forgiveness statements as a way to express emotions and feelings that i'm suppressing.
It can become an exercise in confession disguised as self-help.
It can look like i'm working on my self when I am just fueling the fire.
When I find myself using it as an opportunity to express things I would otherwise keep buried, it can become a guilt-ridden session with myself where i'm venting all the things troubling me in hopes that it changes something. Then, it is just wishful thinking.

What is the problem with that?
It's what I do with it upon reflecting on the statements or when I don't reflect on the statements at all. It's what I do immediately after the statements and what fruits do the words bear. I notice that I often want to just get things out into the open and that's it, but that's not enough for me deep down. I want there to actually be something that comes out of these words that is best for me. When the statements only further cement me into feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and sorrow.. it's just another thinly veiled disguise for self-abuse.

Self-Forgiveness without the Bullshit is when I take Responsibility for the Bullshit and do not Accept or Allow myself to be Deluded by my Words and thus Dilute my Words to Ineffectiveness. 

It is to be Self-Honest by Taking my Time with what I Write, to make things Right within the Writing.. that means I look at what is Wrong with what I am Expressing in the Forgiveness and to Correct it = Writing is the Righting. 

What I mean by look at what is Wrong is to see where I am using Self-Forgiveness as another tool of Abuse and to see what in my writing is full of crap that needs to be investigated. It is to look into what I can identify that is in Error of my Principles and what within my programming is at cause for the issues I am experiencing, acting out, and manifesting that are not Best for All.

What I mean by make things Right is to Write the Corrections that Correct according myself according to the Principle of What is Best for All as that is the Core of the Solutions to this Life. What is Best for All is also to be Investigated for what is Wrong with that within me as well.

What I mean by Taking my Time is Pacing myself Slowly and Deliberately when Writing - to Stop the Rush of Energy that is to be in a Hurry and Read Carefully what I am Placing into Physical/Digital Space.

What I mean by being Self-Honest is to Question myself about the Words I am Using that Reflect the Nature of Who I Am and to then Answer myself about What I See Directly in my Words - to Read Between the Lines and Identify my Intent and Purpose within what I am Writing WITHOUT Excuse, Justification, or Judgment of what I am Writing.