What is Holding me Back? (Self-Perfected Shout-out) : Day 5

 I am part of the Self-Perfected group on Facebook (I suggest joining us if you want to find your people).

This was the weekly challenge given on the 20th:

Date/Time to "take apart" and "process" my 1 thing holding me back.

SO. WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK? 
THE NUMBER 1 THING.

Today is the day I decided, right this moment, to open it up.

I am here to do exactly that, because I need that more than anything.
My next logical steps, I have found, are not the things I can clearly see that I "should" do for the result that I see is best for me. The issue i've arrived at, with much resistance, is that my next logical steps are not steps that clearly lead me to the result i'm looking for (building my business, making more money, stopping the excuses). My next logical steps are the ones I want to avoid entirely and skipping past to get to the step (that I am also avoiding/resisting) because these next logical steps are not clear within me how or why they will matter in terms of where I want to go. To get where I want to go, it seems like a straight shot.. I can see the physical actions that would make a difference and help me achieve my results. The next logical steps I need to take are looking at the thing(s) I want to forget about.. just get over.. move on from.. so that I can focus on  creating my future and what is best for all ( and best for me ).

That next logical step I am looking at is dealing with my addictions. You can call them distractions and that would also be true. They are my emotional instability and the way I am living that threatens my future and my ability to create it. That which is stealing my time and taking me away from what should be my priority. The things that I have made my priority, where what I am doing prior to everything else is participating in self-sabotage in such a way I threaten the rest of my life with these minor decisions in every day that subtly take me closer and closer to a miserable life not worth living.. where I may end up dead, diseased, or in prison.

I cannot share all the details of the path I have walked thus far to get here. Here being the place of potential, a space where I can resolve these issues, and change myself + the course of my life.

This blog series may take multiple writings and I may take it into private writing depending on what is safe to disclose.

The one thing holding me back is addiction/distraction/escape/suppression. These points come together as one, because where one opens up so do the others.

The demon-monster I have to face is my addiction to energy and things that give me energy with which to live in an illusion and feel-good alternate realities of my mind. Where I can feel good just for a second, to not have to face my reality. To not have to feel something I am afraid of.

I have been an addict since I was young, not able to recognize it until I was older and faced some consequences of my addiction that had become severe. I have been in jail, debt, broke, broken relationship after broken relationship, loss of material possessions, mental health, and physical health.

If it was all as easy as "just stop", I would have done so by now.
Unfortunately, for those of us who had it deeply ingrained in our programming through imprints and beings who support the imprint of addiction in us as we grow up - the cycle of self abuse through the abuse of substance(s) is generational and can be quite intense.

I have been turned against myself since I was young, by the removal of my center in elementary school.
The way my center was removed as a child, was by an imposition made by the teachers and the school system that I had behavioral problems. I could not FOCUS or PAY ATTENTION... the first thing you know about FOCUS is it is CENTRAL.. it means the center of your focus is compromised, subject to distraction by stimulation outside of you. Your focus is not your own and it has been corrupted by hyper-activity - by high energy stimulus. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 and since then I ate strongly dosed amphetamine pills. 

This diagnosis and the feeding of pills as my pillars of support was the fist direct attack on my psyche and body, to separate me from my focus which has been possessed and obsessed with hyper-attention (they call it distraction) to energetic stimulus. I was a wild-child, free-spirited, fun-loving being that needed to be sedated for the needs and requirements of schooling.

That moment, upon reflection, reveals to me that I was given (and received) the messages that I am not enough on my own to function at the center of my being. I was doomed to external stimulus shifting my attention. I was corrupted (core-rupture) and thus would erupt from the rupture and explode with energy as hyper-activity. I was definitely quite the hyperactive child, which I suppose was from my first energy-addiction as sugar. I was always defined by the energy within me which was fed to me, to always be chasing more of it.. as an adrenaline junky, a gaming addict, a mischievous trouble-maker, taboo as can be, and a trespasser. I could not be still for long before I went on some adventure that invited risk into my life.. risks that I was without hesitation ready to take.

The solution to they came up with for my (mis)behavior and rebelliousness was to convince me that I was separate from my ability to focus, would always struggle with a challenge to FORCE myself to focus, and that because I was unable to calm myself.. I had no reach or grasp on my core.. that which would give me function over my focus.. therefore- my relationship with myself at my core/focus was deemed separated from me.. my only hope was to medicate my self.
This set a precedence for me to validate an external pill as a pillar of support in becoming stable.
This set a precedence for me that I am broken inside at my very core/focus.
This set a precedence that a chemical can be used to give me what I lack and that I could not resource this ability within myself through my own biological chemistry.

I was thus, now always in conflict with myself over controlling myself and my impulses and constantly having to choose between my "natural" state which I had defined as hyper, chaotic, obnoxious, and energetic (which I enjoyed and had great fun in being that).. or the pill or chemical that would 'stabilize' me in my core and allow me to focus, thus giving me the ability to function like a "normal" human being and go through this system as it was intended for me to go through it to become an adult.

These issues, indeed at their most basic level, imply that you are never going to grow up to become successful unless you find a way to FOCUS - because your core is broken, you will always be living in conflict with what to do with yourself - it BREAKS THE TRUST YOU HAVE WITH YOUR SELF. 

It was one of the defining moments that broke me within trusting my natural learning ability - because I was explicitly told that I had a SERIOUS LEARNING PROBLEM - I AM A DISRUPTIVE FORCE.

Where is this all going?

I was diagnosed as having a core-problem.. I cannot focus, therefore I need drugs to help me calm down and sit before information that would bore me fairly quickly and actually focus on it long enough to complete the work.

The starting point for what I am dealing with goes back even before my experience in school.
I watched someone close in my life struggle with and deal with similar issues to me, all the way back to his childhood is how far back his issues went, that is what I learned.
The same with my another significant person in my family, to some degree; I learned the same thing about them.

There was drugs, alcohol, rebelliousness, fast lives, dangerous lives full of adrenaline seeking, and all the resulting inability to remain stable that came with it.. unable to properly focus on the future.. to build a life for themselves that they are happy with... and then the resulting imprisonment to the misery of having been possessed for so much of your life to chasing experiences.. going through highs and lows.. whatever the energy may be = women/men, relationships, drugs, some enticing distraction is always there to keep you from getting still and looking long into the future and who you are + will be if you continue living this way.

I am not here to air their issues - only mine. I don't know every detail of their story, only mine.
This is about me and I only mention my family as a point of reference to understand what I am facing on a genetic level that is choicelessly decided for me, just as it was done for them. I blame no one for this.

What I am bringing this up for is to show that within my genes is the memories of my ancestors, which I inherited the moment I was conceived.

These patterns run deep into the past and now into my body. The games, sugar, drugs, alcohol, porn, women (relationships, love, sex) have dominated my mind extensively - to the point I cannot say I know anything more familiar than these subjects. These are the subjects of my extravagant and traumatic excursions through entertainment and mental-masturbations.

All of my addictions have been the primary sole-cause preventing me from living my full potential.
I was clean and sober for about 2 years around 2015 until the Spring of 2017, when I had a very bad breakup. I made some exceptions to my principles and unwittingly opened up the flood gates. I had compromised my standing to help save a relationship, and it didn't work (I don't suggest conceding or compromising on the things which orient your life and bring some order to the world).

I fell off the wagon and slowly but surely.. 
I was back in throes of a creating an addiction where I was doing things on an infrequent basis, which is unacceptable to me because I saw the integrity in abstinence, but even just a casual cycle of use can start to throw you off.. and I was already emotionally unstable from the break-up, so here I was signing up for another ride throughout the years to resolve.

I went from being quite stable, directive, disciplined, and ready to show up for my life every day from the moment I opened my eyes... to throwing away consideration for my responsibilities, my future, my work, and so many other things that structured my life and kept the business of my life running.

I have to skip some private details here for practicality purposes.. but where I stand today, I am still dealing with some of these addictions to energetic distractions. I am afraid to feel things I don't want to feel. I know there is a dragon underneath my house, monsters under my bed, and skeletons in my closet... none of which I have felt remotely ready to face until now. I have been living with the stormiest cloud over my head with threats of death towards my freedom, life, health, relationships, and future.

When will I finally start taking this apart and processing it?

Well, what I have realized is I can start to process it now even while it is still happening.
I used to think I could not deal with it until I had stopped.
I have been utterly ashamed of what I have done and who I have become, none of which I am now.. but still share a resemblance to. I am here for the revival of myself from within these harbingers. I am here to  change my relationship to these points, so that the conflict within me may end.
I have found that turning against them does nothing but polarize and in that polarity a cycle of returning back to them happens.. therefore, I am here for transcendence and integration of these points within myself.

I cannot escape the darkness in me, I can only change my relationship to that which constitutes it and the darkness itself.
I have recently understood, through a conversation with someone with profound insight, that the ugly truths about those of us with hardcore relationships to addiction.. it may be that we never get away from it. That it is not as simple as it first looks. The solutions are simple in many cases, yes, but the way they are solved is not so straightforward.

First of all, the damage I do to my own self-image for what I do or have done will not help.
The shame, guilt, pain, misery, escapism, and all that I judge myself for and beat myself up for - it will never change through what I produced in participation of it.

Feeling bad doesn't change me, although it may help sometimes, because /I change me/.
I may do the things I despise most about myself again.. I may make the same mistake again..

Yet, what counts is getting back up and moving forward.
Forgiving myself for the abuse of my substance through substance-abuse is the one of the priorities in working on myself within this.

The second is pushing myself back to what has given me passion and purpose in life - because it is in these things that I am able to almost effortlessly leave these things behind.. because the mind and life of an addict is so self-centered and selfish.. the solution is in changing self to be unlimited through unconditionally serving a purpose higher than just myself and my pain/pleasure.

The solution is in the problem and the solution will often look similar to the problem.. if we can see and apply the common sense in the principle that, "like cures like".

This video here is relevant to what I aim to apply in order to solve this problem of what's holding me back: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=great+leaders+do+what+drug+addicts+do

After watching this video, I realize there is a potential for my greatest weakness to become my greatest strength... that what is holding me back can be the very key to what moves me forward.
And as long and hard as this has held me back, I think of it like a bow and an arrow... 
I have drawn back, held my self back, and when I can finally orient this resistance I am facing to something much greater than myself - by aiming for the stars - then I can let go and watch my focus bring me to the bullseye of my life.

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Taking this writing of myself to freedom into practical steps;

What is holding me back? Addiction which is also distractions/escapism (drugs, games, porn, social media)

What can I do to take a step forward? Forgive myself for the shame that has-me (anagram of shame), get off the guilt trip I am giving myself, stop feeling sorry for myself and get out the pit of pity, orient myself to what is best for all.. that which will have me resting among the stars... and let go of all the contracting parts of myself holding on to watch me move forward with great precision and speed.

I can look at HOW I will eventually stop after I slow down within these points.. but more importantly, I will look into the WHY behind I will stop.. because there isn't really a "HOW" to stop.. I know I can stop.. it's a matter of choice or decision in a moment that is fully supported - so that it is a FULL STOP with the FULL FORCE of my PRESENCE. 

I will not fool myself here by making any promise, it is a process to be taken one at a time and assessed within each step. I have stopped before and I can stop again.

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Self-Forgiveness to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I doubt somewhere within myself that I will stop because I know that as long as I accept these substances and objects in my life to distract me through giving me pleasure... I will have a lapse in my judgment and allow myself to use that which I have allowed to remain here around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's impossible for me to stop because I have tried before and I can't quite explain to myself in any way without excuse why I am back where I said I would never go again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never giving up that which I have used to destroy myself and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of drugs.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of women.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of gaming.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of sugar.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of that which gives me a high.

I forgive myself that I am afraid of porn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anything that might give me a high because I know how I behave and who I become when I get high on anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonize and separate myself from anything that I have had an addiction to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the complexity of addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self interest in me of having an addiction I can run to when i'm not feeling okay and want to escape or hide from what I am feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear when it comes to who I am as an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I have become as an addict in the attic of my mind, isolated and in secret possession of things which get me off, get me high, and help me daydream of better things and feel better inside.

I forgive myself that I refuse to give up feeling good because I fear feeling so bad that there is nothing I know how to do to get rid of that bad feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to get rid of some really bad feelings I have inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself when I am alone with my dark thoughts and feelings, so I seek some escape from my own mind through some addiction to a particular type of energy to deal with the shit I see and feel in my own mind/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill myself with substance-abuse as these substances abuse my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that substance abuse is an attempt to replace the substance of life within the physical with an energetic high that destroys the body and separates me from who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed substances separated from myself to define myself and to define them as the key to change, the key to fun, and the key to feeling better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the damage I have done to myself as my body and my mind through drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the visible effects my addictions have had to me and my body + mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to numb the pain within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this statement of "oh shit" within me, like, "what have I done?" and to reel in fear of what I have done to myself and the shit i've gotten into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing this post with anyone because it starts to reveal more of who I am, the part of me that I hate, fear, judge, have damaged, and am ashamed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as a drug user/abuser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as an addict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to talk about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that there is no solution to this other than to stop, which may be true, but I am afraid of the consequences because I have not stopped completely yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I had more to say write now that had some hope or answer to everything I had written, yet there is none at the moment. 

I can only take a step forward and leave this behind, to choose a new person to be tomorrow and set an example for those walking with me or by themselves.

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Self-Corrective Statements to Core-rect the Core:

I realize I can just throw everything I have away that I am abusing and not pick up anymore.

I realize I can limit my use of the computer to that which is productive and limit my social media use to interacting with others in a meaningful way.

I realize I can build my business and focus on that, because there is greater purpose within that which extends well beyond me.

I realize I can keep walking and working with DIP because that is also purposeful and meaningful and it will allow me to more effectively process my points within addictions to many things.

I realize I can investigate this writing again tomorrow and expand on it some more, because many points opened up and I have only narrowly guided myself through a few of them in the self forgiveness.

I realize I can look at what my passion and purpose in life is, that way my mind will not be filled and prioritizing drug use over that which serves life itself and those around me.

I realize there is redemption.

I realize I can be vulnerable and allow myself to get help.

When and as I see myself going into doom and gloom over my various addictions which weighs on me heavy, because of the many years I have participated in them, I choose to SLOW DOWN, STOP, and BREATHE. As I slow down, stop, and breathe.. I can take into consideration the consequences of my actions if I participate in the addiction... and when I do that, I commit myself to be sensitive to the consequences I am considering by placing myself in the shoes of all those I will affect - including empathy for myself - that way I can consider the consequences from a point of effectiveness as I am looking at how it will effect ME INCLUDED. That will make the consideration more effective, because I know once I face the consequences I will REALLY FEEL IT.. and I know it sucks once I get there, but I always tend to disregard it through insensitivity or apathy.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions more when faced with temptation as it is an energetic reaction leading me to an experience I have been through many times and there is no point I want to justify in what it does for me. I know that I have moments of bliss or relaxation or peace but they always come at a cost and are not real moments, so they are not worth considering when making a decision.

I commit myself to stop myself for a moment when I am impulsive and decide NO - to NOT do that thing, whatever is impulsively coming up, UNTIL I have considered all dimensions I possibly can - then I can reassess my decision.. but my decision to act impulsively is met with a NO as I am not looking out for myself.

I commit myself to look for more blogs, audios, interviews, and people who have walked this point within their specific life to a point they are satisfied with so that I can learn from others on what worked for them and what didn't.

I commit myself to following the examples of those who have dealt with such a strong pattern of addiction in their life, that were able to then live a life I want to live - so I can study the model of success that mirrors my life accurately.

I commit myself to give up the excuses and justifications I have for using and feeding my addictions.

I commit myself to listen to my body and what it is telling me when I am abusing it through substance abuse... because the real abuse of substance is happening to my body and that is unacceptable.

I commit myself to be more grateful for my body who has carried me so far through this gauntlet and allowed me to reach a foreseeable conclusion to this mad adventure.

I commit myself to standing up and standing out as best as I can until I can reach others like me, because I know how hard this is and has been.. and it would be of great service to accelerate the processes of many others like me to help them along.

I commit myself to acting intelligently in my best interest by prioritizing this issue that I have identified for now as the 1 thing holding me back the most, if it is in the way - then it is the priority today until it is no longer!

I commit myself to coming up with more specific solutions to what I have written.

I commit myself to ascertain a solution that I am absolutely certain about will work.. to then test it out.

I commit myself to keep applying myself and sharing to make a difference in this world, despite not having all my shit together and feeling like a hypocrite or like I am unworthy of what I want to do and who I want to be because of what I participated in.

I commit myself to reread these blogs and go through my statements with a fine-tooth comb to fine-tune what I have written.. by calling out vague ways of writing and impractical parts.

The Leaders are Readers: Reading with Clarity of Purpose : Day 4

Yesterday, I went into WRITING. 
I am going to clarify myself within the basics of this process and give myself a context that supports my various applications within process.
The work must be defined otherwise we cannot see it + do it, yet the work also cannot be done without the tools specifically required to do the work.
For every vision, there is a tool that is purposed to it.
The potential of what could be is realized within the tools that are here, so becoming clear on what we have as the tools will make the the "how" and the "why" the work will work
Tools serve the purpose of the worker and thus reveal ours within our use of them.
If it isn't clear yet, the work is the word and thus our work revolves around the living word.
Writing, reading, speaking, hearing/listening, physical actions, and thinking/self-reflection are the multiple dimensions of the word to clarify as they constitute our response-ability and senses of self - our sensory tools that make sense of what is here as the living word.

Onto the point: READING.

I do not have Destonian context from the wiki to share or Bernard quotes to reference.
I will draw from Osho's words for a moment, because I can recall some of his words on reading and find some more:

“You can use reading as a food for the ego. It is very subtle. You can become knowledgeable; then it is dangerous and harmful. Then you are poisoning yourself, because knowledge is not knowing, knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom has nothing to do with knowledge. Wisdom can exist in total ignorance also. If you use reading just as a food for the mind, to increase your memory, then you are in a wrong direction. But reading can be used in a different way; then reading is as beautiful as anything else in life”

And more here: Silence allowing being

A quote from there:

People continuously ask me.. I go on reading continuously so they ask me, "Why are your eyes still okay? You must have needed specs long ago."

You can read, but if you are reading silently with no thought, the energy comes back. It is never wasted. You never feel tired. My whole life I have been reading twelve hours a day, sometimes even eighteen hours a day, but I have never felt any tiredness. In my eyes I have never felt anything, never any tiredness. Without thought the energy comes back; there is no barrier. And if you are there you reabsorb it, and this reabsorption is rejuvenating. Rather than you eyes being tired they feel more relaxed, more vital, filled with more energy.


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What is revealed here within Osho's example?
Again, another leader and a rare man who found self through self with an extreme reading habit.
Leaders are Readers with hours of reading a day, thus they are READy for anything. 
They can seemingly see it all and look very long into themselves, others, and the future.
Because what is reading but looking? What else is seeing if it isn't also reading?
It is listening to the eyes, as he indicated by reading SILENTLY.. silent = listen.
No thought is needed to see or listen. No energy needs to be wasted in the process.
He has done it so long, there is no effort.

He mentions that we can, and most of us likely do, read for the ego.
The starting point when we are reading is of paramount importance, just like I was pointing to with writing.
This brings me to the point of study: 

When we study - study to apply or do not 'study' at all.
Knowledge without application is useless.


Self-Forgiveness to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read to feed my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I knew how to read effectively.

I forgive myself that I would study without intent to apply myself.

I forgive myself that I read to accumulate knowledge and information and to increase my memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take reading for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK when I am reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use THINKING as a form of READING where the voice in my head speaking the words is the one processing information and applying it to imagination - conjuring up pictures and other mental content to go along with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in consuming knowledge and information like a robot-zombie looking for brains to digest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue knowledge as a form of power and control over myself and others, only to become corrupted through the ingestion of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading because I know that if I develop an effective reading habit, I will naturally become a leader in my life and with the purpose I have set here for myself - I will be able to help others lead themselves, too. Reading directly leads to an increase in vision.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself clarity on my starting point in relationship to reading and the other basics of who I am within words, such as writing.. listening.. speaking.. thinking.. and acting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read for pleasure, which is to be living by/for experience and not within principle.

I forgive myself that I have not read very much.

I forgive myself that I have read only when I am motivated to do so, which even then isn't very much.

I forgive myself that I have not read the blogs, words, and books of those who apply themselves within the principles and purposes I have accepted and set for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not read other blogs in the journey to life series.

I forgive myself that I have not investigated my relationship to reading.

I forgive myself that I have treated reading as a chore and thus reading is something that I do not enjoy and makes me tired.

I forgive myself that I am tired when I read and just want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect reading and it's importance, to also neglect investigating it until I am clear who I am within reading and what I will do to change this relationship within me.

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Self-Corrective Statements that get to the Core:

When and as I see myself still confused about who I am within reading, what the importance of reading is, and/or why I am reading - I stop and I breathe.
I consider the small and subtle shifts in my starting point when/as I am reading. I look at the dimensions of myself and my experience within reading, to read what is going on within me as I reading.. thus reading more into about reading and my relationship to reading.

I realize that reading will help me be as ready as I can ever be as reading and readiness are directly related in their spelling.

I realize readiness is when I have read until the instructions are readily accessible within me, thus I can act, speak, do, write, listen immediately and with intent.

I realize reading isn't "harmless" and that I have taken this basic fundamental of being human for granted, just like I have with writing, speaking, thinking, and acting.

I realize that I must develop an effective and consistent reading habit to see myself through to the end and grow exponentially in a way that I can support myself and others to be ready when the time comes.

I realize that reading is the basis of education.

I realize that reading is a fundamental right I must gift to myself and others, so that we may have a free and just world for all one day.

I commit myself to change my starting point and relationship with reading to one that is best for all, where I am clear on who I am within reading, why I read, and what reading means in terms of it's support for everyone to become the best they can be.

I commit myself to applying myself within reading, where when I read - I am a student that is ready to act on what it is I am processing in this moment.

I commit myself to read with the intent to apply what is best within what I see, to do that which I can see - because what I see is what I can do. This means I will take what is here within the writings available to me and make something physical of them, to test the words out in my own life and create with them a result that supports myself and everyone else... 

I commit myself to read material that is practical, meaning it can be practiced or that it offers an input to an action, making potential active by giving steps for it to become real.

I commit myself to fill in the details of my own life where they apply when I am reading, meaning that I do not wait for the author of whatever expression I read to remain information that is separate from who I am = I will look into how my individual life fits (or doesn't) into what I am reading and then make it real as my own through placing it here into actions that reflect my potential within the words I see.

I commit myself to working with words as words are the work that must be done - meaning they must become physical - as words are the basis for education which spells "DUE ACTION" - these words must come to pass an action lived and paid forward.

I commit myself to make reading real through being real with myself about what I am reading and where what I am reading is leading me to.

I commit myself to question where I am going within what I am reading and to stand within principle and practice/testing when reading.

I commit myself to further clarify the reading point as more opens up. This ends here for tonight.

Are you clear on why you write? : Day 3

Bear with me and get through this, because I want us all to write things others will want to read and I think this investigation will help. If nothing else, make sure to check out the references I took from the Destonian Wiki.

Undertaking this journey to life in writing, it is important to understand it for the first time in a way that directly relates to self and working with self.

It is important to make multiple distinctions here that most have never even considered. 
Writing has always just been to place words visibly - for the purpose of communicating ideas, telling a story, selling a product, reviewing an experience, venting to the air, or for whatever other purpose was given to us through school, work, or other institution or authority.

What purpose has writing served you for most of your life? Why were you given the ability to write? Who handed you this tool in the first place and how have they shown you to use it?

Writing has the power to stabilize and free us from our own thoughts or it can weave me further into the web of my mind and exaggerate reactions.

THESE NEXT REFERENCES ARE IMPORTANT AS THEY RELATE TO THE PURPOSE OF WRITING USED IN THIS BLOGGING. THEY ARE BORROWED FROM THE DESTONIAN WIKI.

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Writing Yourself to Freedom

Self-writing – or also referred to as "writing yourself to freedom" – is the application of self as sitting down in front of a keyboard, or a collection of white papers armed with a pen, too then start writing. And not everything is to be written – it's no dairy – but it's instead you for the first time being self-intimate, as you explore the depths of your mind, and dig up, define, and put a name to all of that which happens within and without. It's you learning to understand yourself, as well as your world, as you type everything of yourself out and within this place new statements of yourself to be lived.

And so you type out the past and create the new as the correction to be lived – because self-writing is you discovering your weaknesses, and the points you've for so long attempted to supress and hide – now they'll glaringly stair you in the eye as words on the paper or screen in front of you, and as such you're now obliged to place down the correction – as you're to change your weaknesses into strenghts.

Thus – self-writing is the process of walking oneself out of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and into the physical, as you write out your inner chatter, reactions, and your physical behaviors, your inner most secrets, shame, guilt – all of it! You reveal it all and consquently allow yourself to let it go – and you open up the door for self-correction, self-creation and the eventual stand of yourself as self-perfection; it all starts with writing.

With self-writing you open yourself up and used together with self-forgiveness it's extremely effective. Through self-writing you map the points out, and through self-forgiveness you let them go, and with self-corrective statements you place your correction to be lived – this is how process is walked. Thus – self-writing is in-fact oneself walking process and 'working' with oneself.

Though there is a difference between self-directed writing, and mind-regurgitated writing (also called verbal diarrhea)."

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Self-Directed Writing

Self-directed writing is the application of yourself as knowing where you're going with your writings – and that is towards a solution, towards a conclusion, towards you actually making a statement for yourself through your writings as how you're going to change yourself, and become a more effective human being.

Within the application of self-directed writing there is no unnecessary words being placed – one write that which one see is required for one to support oneself to stand up from a experience, or give direction to a point, or gain clarity on a situation; and when it's done one stand up silent, stable and able – ready to go out into reality and live the self-correction.

Something to look out for when determining whether you're writing self-directed is your physical experience of yourself: when writing self-directed you'll become clear, silent and still within yourself.

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Mind-Regurgitated Writing

Mind-regurgitated writing is the opposite of self-directed writing – it's when you write hours on ends about one point, and you circle and re-write, but you never actually arrive upon a conclusion and never give yourself any clear self-direction. You but instead write, write and write (verbal diarrhea) until the sun goes down, the moons goes up, months passes and you grow old – jokes aside: it's when you don't conclude your writings.

Realize and understand that self-writing is but a tool for your to give yourself self-direction, clarity and stability – though to do this you must actually use your writing as a self-statement, and direct your writing as yourself – wherein you end verbak diarrhea and instead give yourself a solution = this is how I am going to live from now on – this is what I will stop – this is what I will apply self-forgiveness upon – etc.

One way to notice that you're participating in mind-regurgitated writing is that you don't seem to get anywhere, and there is no silence, clarity or release experienced within – then you know it's time to take direction of yourself as your words.
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Thoughts and the Nature of Self

Your thoughts represent that nature of you – what exists within your thoughts is what you have accepted and allowed you to be.

Writing is not a reflection of thought – in writing you are here in the moment, what you write is who you have become in this moment, as in writing you see yourself before you clearly. Thus, writing is a reflection of you as who you have accepted and allowed you to be and become – so you literally see you as you write/type right infront of you. In this – you are able to transform you, because in seeing you before you – here you self honestly are able to transform the nature of you – through applying self forgiveness as you write. And you will most certainly realise/understand much of you as you write within and as self honesty as you.

Suggestion is to sit down, write and see what’s here – and accordingly adjust you as you write/type – transform you in the words you write.
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Self-Forgiveness Statements to Give Way:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write myself in endless circles and never reach a conclusion in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write mind-regurgitation where I am just saying something I have already heard others say and am repeating things without investigation into the contents of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write whatever is on my mind without directing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write aimlessly.

I forgive myself that I have never considered why I am writing or what I am doing when I am writing.

I forgive myself that I have not looked at who I am within what I am writing, or even considered for real that I can see who I am in what I am writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an unclear starting point within my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I already know how to write the way that is best for all, that I already know how to place words in such a way that I reach conclusions that have physical effects in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe all writing comes from the same place and to never consider or question the ways in which one can apply themselves within writing.

I forgive myself that I have written without the intent to change, to physically apply and effect myself in a way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind to write on my behalf.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take writing for granted, as if I know something about writing, when all I know is that I can write.

I forgive myself that I do not stop to reflect on where I am going within what I am writing.

I forgive myself that I let my mind go wildly in different directions when writing, giving power and authority to the storm of my mind to determine the words that appear.

I forgive myself that I write without end.

I forgive myself that I write something no one will read.

I forgive myself that I write things no one wants to read.

I forgive myself that I write too much.

I forgive myself that I write obsessively in a possession.

Self-Correction Statements:

When I see that I am writing the same points over and over again, never coming to conclusions, regurgitating things from my mind, fueling reactions, and distracting myself from moving forward towards physical actions that change and correct my behavior - I stop and I breathe. 

I consider where I am going within my writing and why I am writing what I am writing in the first place. I ask myself, "what is my starting point right now?" and I answer that question immediately with what I can see. I make sure to check my experience of myself as I am writing to see if I am going into my head more or if I am settling more into my body and becoming stable + silent. 

If I am not becoming more stable and silent within my writing, I STOP WRITING. 
I take a moment to walk away, breathe, and check in with my body..
I come back to writing being aware of my body from head to toe, doing whatever is necessary in that moment to come back here and be present.. so I can keep it simple with my symbols.

I commit myself to slow down just before getting into my writing by slowing down the pace of my breathing and checking my heart rate.. I look at how quickly my mind is going and see if what i'm doing is helping slow the thoughts and release the energies.

I commit myself to get physical through touching my body from head to toe and breathing.

I commit myself to get physically stable and comfortable through laying down or stretching for a moment when I am going too fast and too much in my mind.

I commit myself to being present within my body when I am writing, by scanning my body with my awareness and considering the tension and comfortability in my body.

I commit myself to adjust my writing when I see it is too much.

I commit myself to writing in such a way that it is best for all and what that means.

I commit myself to writing things that I would want to read and would enjoy reading, thus following the golden rule of giving as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to consider if what I am writing is something I would like to receive from someone else, or if it appears to be a waste of time. My last blog felt a little more over the top and like a labor that somebody may be disinterested in.

I commit myself to simplicity.

The Abandoned Draft and Consequence: Day 2

This was in my drafts when I looked at my account yesterday, the last thing I wrote and failed to publish before abandoning the JTL blogging in 2017.

It was titled “Writing, sharing, getting in touch with others - nah, fuck that: Day 15“

It’s quite obvious what happened after I began writing it.

I want to post it to expand on the lessons learned from the consequences of accepting this as my last post.

Here it is:

Not writing, not sharing, not getting in touch with others.

It has been 3 months since I have wrote anything in my journey to life blog. I also have fallen off with doing any sharing or getting in touch with others. I committed to doing that and things get worse when I don't. But, I still say fuck it and fuck that and who cares when I see that i'm just not doing it. And it doesn't make a difference that I don't do it. There's only a difference if I do these things.

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That was my final word before discontinuing participation in writing or sharing.

It is true, there’s only a difference if I do the writings, the self forgiveness, the introspection, the sharing in self honesty, and the actions that correct accordingly.

My apathy and indifference beyond this point led to nothing changing.

I spiraled further out of control in an unabated mood of self destruction.

I lost sight of purpose in what I was doing and with no structured practice that would lead to self correction, which is what the writing does, I went with the path of least resistance aka the patterns of my past.

Apathy leads to a-pathetic disposition.

Indifference to what makes a difference disregards my ability to change.

Let’s forgive this mistake:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose apathy and indifference to what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a path that makes no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk the path of apathy, where I no longer care what happens and submit to the fate of other forces beyond me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgo writing as the right thing where I’m forgiving and righting the wrong turns I take against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘fuck it’ and start fucking around until I’m fucked again by my fucked attitude as the ‘fuck it’ of apathy and indifference to writing myself out, sharing, and getting in touch with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences of this attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will send myself into time loops of facing consequences when I walk away from processing my life and authoring my experiences and living by principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded to and ignorant of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence myself to years of facing myself and falling without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to process this life purely by walking in time through experience after experience without the support of the tools I have available to me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I resist the tools, it means I am resisting the work, because it is only through the tools that I can work on and build the structures of my life that will support me to live and create effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer because I don’t want to do the work on a bad day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe anything will get better if I quit putting in the time and effort to perfect myself through reprogramming myself in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a passive death instead of an active life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wither away instead of building myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate consequence instead of processing my life in self honesty where I can put a stop to what I would face if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my fallen state as permanent and refuse to get back up because it seems easier to stop caring and just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I make no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these points go unchallenged within me and to just go along with the outflows of these thoughts and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unnecessary pain and consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the worst for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck off and fuck around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with fire, deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the evil that deliberately abuses self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anti-life programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take risks without considering the consequence.

When I see that I am about to give up my writing, I stop and I breathe. I simply won’t accept this thought or feeling as valid and stop participating in the reasoning behind it.

When I see that I am tempted to walk without the tools and do no more work, I stop and I breathe. The work is what makes this all work. It doesn’t work unless I do. I commit myself to the work, 24/7, 100% with no breaks because life doesn’t take breaks. I balance my life with work, so work is not a problem.

I commit myself to define the tools.

I commit myself to define the work.

I commit myself to working all my life with the tools that work, to integrate them so they become my expression.

I commit myself to understanding the tools.

I commit myself to understanding the work.

I commit myself to all life and binding my work to all life in the interest of what is best for all life, because this is the work that is best for me and creates a world that works for everyone as my work expression is something that takes everything into consideration.

I commit myself to eliminating apathy and indifference.

I commit myself to eradicating the self interest of my ego.

I commit myself to show no mercy for the anti-life programming as it is insidious and sneaky.

I commit myself to writing for myself as all as one as equal, where all my words direct life to investigate self in self forgiveness and self honesty, bringing everyone and everything here to reconsider the way we are living.

I commit myself to stand as life in support of life.

I commit myself to understanding my commitment intimately, that what I write here may be free of empty promises.

I commit myself to specifying my words and simplifying them to a point of practicality, where actions are clearly defined and it is easy to see how what I say can and will be applied.

I commit myself to no escape as I am always here.

I commit myself to letting nothing slide.

I commit myself to letting nothing hide.

I commit myself to share.

Here, I am (again): Day 1

 I am here, to begin again.
Aware of the failures of my past to write these life reviews.
Letting that go to begin here again, for a gain in presence in my own life.
It seems so much goes when I am gone, the absence of my self leads to the loss of many other things in my life.
I want to be here and remain here.
I gave up writing and when I give up writing, that is the end of a tremendous support and stability.
Time to forgive and go for the correction.

I forgive myself for giving up on my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end the support of my writing exercises.

I forgive myself that I am depressed.

I forgive myself that I am scared.

I forgive myself that I fear what I have given up.

I forgive myself that I have walked away.

I forgive myself that I think I can just give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be miserable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite the doom that is my mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moodiness into my heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit righting myself through writing
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed death within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed weakness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from what I know will make things better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone around me miserable through being depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control others through depression in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others through my sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think life is all gloom and doom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everyone down by letting myself down.

I forgive myself that I constantly allow downers in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take us all down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down into a pit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe reality is a downer, that everything is in this drowning downing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my ships by being a downer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sink my relationships by being depressed and controlling them with my negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a constant loser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed everything to get worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everyone with me into my depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that all I do is be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my depressing world view on those around me in subtle ways by shutting everything down until we're all sick with the same depressing view of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am the problem
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within me to dominate my life and keep me from sharing things about myself and life that are vulnerable (like this self forgiveness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut everything down and lock it in place, just like this quarantine is a shutting of things to go down and lock everyone in place during this time of sickness and disease.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this shutting things down and keeping it inside, to be miserable with emotion, IS the disease/sickness that is killing us - because we are not sharing or for-giving ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everything so heavy it can only go down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way to lift these weights is to forgive them, as these weights are debts that pull and subtract from our life - sucking the life out of everything around us.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is the problem with our whole world - that there is not enough of us forgiving ourselves to release us from this weight of debt/sin we are carrying on our shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and everyone else to go into isolation where we will live our lives in misery as we are now separated from each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life and living - which is OUT HERE - by shutting it out and shutting myself down, never letting myself out of my head or my house to connect with others and share in a meaningful life of EXPRESSION.

I forgive myself that I do not accept and allow myself to push through my apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself depressed by thinking about how nobody cares, or how little others cares, when it is in reality me who is not caring.. because I am not sharing.. and so within this I start to confirm my own thoughts and feelings through not sharing because I believe no one cares.. It is not about them - it is about me! If I care, I share!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all of this and accept the projection as a truth that I did not make up in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on everyone else by giving up on myself and caring about myself through sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness through the perceived loss of myself and that which I care about in my life - the things I would share about in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the sadness is self created because I have accepted the perceived loss of what I care about in my life by NOT SHARING myself with others as that which I care about in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sadness in my life through my resistance to giving, my resistance to forgiving, in which I would share that which I see, understand, realize, and care about enough to account for and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I can begin AGAIN and in that - A GAIN is GIVEN because I GAVE AGAIN IN FORGIVENESS OF MYSELF.

I commit myself to be here, again, and share myself with others as I share with myself in writing that which I care about in this life.. the connection and meaningfulness inherent in my expression.

I commit myself to begin the correction today, after writing this, by sharing this post on my social media and with those close to me - so that I can be seen, again, and also give others their opportunity to realize themselves within these points as I am realizing them within me.. because I know I am not alone and neither are you who are reading this.

I commit myself to come back here again, tomorrow, to write again and discover more of myself through forgiving myself and allowing myself to expand - to breathe some life again - and explore these weights that must be lifted.. so that I can put a stop to this downing of the ship I am sailing.

I commit myself to give up on giving up and to keep giving myself through forgiving myself so that I may unconditionally apply myself again and again.. for a gain in life that is best for all.

I commit myself to be honest with myself about the negativity I have accepted as the unchangeable truth about reality, to investigate what I am personally responsible for making a permanent misery for myself and others. That is unacceptable as that is how I create hell for myself and others. 

I will meet myself in this hell and forgive myself until the gates of heaven open within me.

Isn't there any other way than self forgiveness?: Day 16

Why can't I live my life without self forgiveness?
What happens if I try to do all of this without it?
Forgiving my self won't change any thing.
Forgiveness won't help me change even after all the statements, so why do it?
I just distract my self with each statement from the actions I may have taken sooner if I just let the consequences build up.
Preparing my self for a moment of action with forgiveness makes it easier for me to not change my actions because I remember that I forgave it ahead of time/before facing that moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to make forgiveness impossible through defining it as making exceptions, making excuses, dragging things out, and justifying inaction and inability.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel forgiveness is a way out and that is a double entendre, fine-line meaning that I have let my self cross many times.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have disguised the ultimate escape/trap from my responsibility within the name/word/image of a tool that has the potential to help free me for life.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to leave this point unaddressed where my living understanding of self forgiveness misleads me to making the mistakes again and again instead of correcting them.. misleads me to unnecessarily repeating something as my statements lessen my awareness of my responsibility to correct my self and discover the change in my actions.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to make self forgiveness impossible to use in my life because, as I can see within me, it is thoroughly packed and clouded with terrible judgment and choices when and as it is applied to my self.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to forgive my self the way I have forgiven my self.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have any hope in forgiveness that it will work as long as these definitions still exist in my self as forgiveness - because as long as these definitions come back to life within me.. the self forgiveness will have the reverse effect.. and applying the reverse to my self is harsh to live with.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe I have no conditions within forgiving my self, that I am applying it the correct way, which is in the direction of correcting my self in my life.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to protect my self definition within self forgiveness where I have all sorts of beliefs, ideas, emotions and feelings, reactions, misunderstandings, unconsciousness, images, and more.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be living in this nightmare on earth and in my mind where self forgiveness is rejected and even once found has to be investigated thoroughly because it is practically booby trapped with programming that would never accept and allow the application of it without resistances, reactions, and conflict.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be so separated and mislead when it comes to this aspect of my self, this expression of my self, this tool of my self... that I barely grasp the way forward with it, and only with great amounts of support and sharing by others have I been able to grasp this..

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to miss the point that my experience of my self, that who I am in facing this word and the application of this word is a reflection of how unforgiving humanity is.. how hard it may be for this world to come around to forgiving itself.. and that who I am within applying self forgiveness makes a difference for this world, for others, to begin their journey of forgiving themselves - If I can change my relationship to self forgiveness, it will help the world change.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not see how inextricable self forgiveness is to life and how a world without it looks like the world we are already in.. one that will only get worse.. and how this questioning of a life lived in self forgiveness as impossible is really just a reflection of who I am.. why do I want to live without forgiveness?

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to fear the finality, the absoluteness, and the certainty I am able to see within self forgiveness - that it is already a functional element of life working in many ways.. and that just because the word/name is an interesting or fascinating choice that I want to question the peculiar nature of.. does not mean that it has not already had a specific, effective place in existence. Having the name of self forgiveness, application of it in specific statements, and the particular insights from participation just opens up the world I never knew could exist.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be stuck on my inability to see through the eyes of self forgiveness into my self in action, where I feel the clearing out of my self within self forgiveness has also cleared out any potential corrective actions I was prepared and committed to taking - which brings into question why was I going to act in the first place and from where was it that self forgiveness wiped it out?

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel incapacitated by self forgiveness and blinded because I no longer maintain a vision of my plan to act and lose touch with my sense of the situation.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to define forgiveness as the reason why I cannot get something done or why I didn't do something sooner.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to misplace my self or displace my self within my application of self forgiveness to where it is the only word I am trying to live and therefore constantly failing and falling because I cannot seem to escape this trap I created in/as the definition/self definition of forgiveness/self forgiveness.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to feel like self forgiveness is safety, that when I applying it I am saved and I don't need to worry about anything else as long as I am applying it - not to say that I should worry because self forgiveness won't save me.. but that I have a relationship with my self in forgiveness that must be corrected because my living of forgiveness as self is a rigged pitfall packed with things to be aware of - just as many other things in this also are.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe that what I am doing within self forgiveness is unquestionably best for me and that it couldn't use some serious investigation and written exploration from time to time.

When and as I forgive my self for accepting and allowing, I stop and I breathe.

I commit my self to step out of my pretenses about my application of my self within self forgiveness where I have many points within my self forgiveness to explore, and to balance my self in understanding that this I have not arrived at a point within my self to feel so safe and deeply trusting about.

I commit my self to work out my awareness within self forgiveness and bring forth these points within me that I see in applying self forgiveness, so that I am working with things inside me openly to grow and become confident.

I commit my self to finding a balancing point within the application of my self, where self forgiveness isn't overriding everything to the point I diminish my self in action because my living of self forgiveness is polluted in definition which becomes pollution in my life.

I commit my self to being serious about remaining in touch with my self commitments, actions, and changes.. and moving closer to those points and becoming more equidistant and in equilibrium with self forgiveness.. finding the harmony within my relationships to these words, then moving to the notes of that music.

I commit my self to being firm, flexible, and discerning when looking at how to walk this line where self forgiveness supports and enables me to act in and as what I see is best versus being passive, accepting, limp, and returning to old problems repetitively without any recourse I am satisfied by.

Clearing my self and starting point in relationship to Desteni: Day 15

My general experience of living in awareness of the process and message specificity I discovered first and foremost at Desteni (possibly the only place):

In my 'returning', I am still very much sorting out my initial experience of uncovering/discovering.
I have been investigating and clearing my internal reality of self while facing the mirror of self that is the material we share and reference.. Sticking to and working with my tenacity of the basics. I am grateful to have finally expanded my self to include a wiser, discerning, calmer, peaceful, enjoyable, and more comfortable experience of my self in walking with and applying what is here within the group and material. I was accustomed to only experiencing the absolute worst reactions and taking it extremely personally when I would dig in to the material or expose my self within particular perspectives that are shared here. At best I would be containing my fear in an adrenalized passion to fix or empower my self. The only place I saw my self in full, true agreement with (Desteni) was also the place I became the most deeply triggered, unsettled, fearful, and worst I have seen my self.

I can see that had I communicated what was coming up within me, heeded the suggestions of others, gave feedback openly, stopped lurking, assessed my interpretations, considered what is actually being said, and reached out for clarity and support.. That would have quite possibly began a total change of direction, understanding, resolve, and progress within me. Now that I can see the solutions that have helped settle the tremendous bickering in me about what I am facing, I want to support the application of my self within these solutions with some self forgiveness.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to assume that my experience of facing my self deeply within new information and knowledge that challenges everything (initially at Desteni) is a permanent, real experience that I have no possible way of assessing, changing, or supporting my self within.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to be convinced that I clearly understood and grasped what I read or heard that is being shared by others when it is something I know I have never ever encountered before and if I looked within me I would see that I am simply having a tremendous amount of reactivity facing new information and knowledge.. so within this I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to overlook the simplicity of how I cannot self honestly say I have understood anything clearly except that I am having a hardcore, deep internal reaction to what I am facing and that I am not effectively processing any information.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to have held on to my initial experience, my first impression of the different participants and material types at Desteni. Within this I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe I was in a good, standing, stable relationship to any of it when the only point that was clear was I had so much work to do to in sorting out my very beginnings to even see that I have cleared the grounds on which I stand.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to zealously consume material hoping I would eventually be familiar enough by massive amounts of consumption to stop having such dramatic, adrenalized, earth quaking, extreme, fiery reactions within me.. because that is not how it is done. I have to clear me out, calm me down, answer my unanswered questions, and discern what I can and can't work with at the moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to believe I can work with any thing and everything, so therefore forcing my self to look at material with a tortuous, punishing focus on 'dealing with it' instead of seeing who I am within it and directing my self to sort my self out or simply move on in the event it is something I cannot work with at the moment.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not realize and understand that nothing has been 'too much for me to handle' but that I am the one making any thing 'too much for me to handle' through my extremism and self abuse.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to mistake the experience of my self for the material being shared and individuals expressing themselves (more specifically here, meaning at Desteni), and I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to project/abdicate my responsibility to this experience of my self on to those I mistake for the source of what is happening within me.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my
self to feel I MUST experience my self as the absolute fucking worst I can be if I am here working with Desteni participants and material, as I have defined this word, the space and people within it.. as an experience of facing the most extreme evil within to better my self. Within this, I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to think and believe that to face my self as the absolute worst I must 'get into it', become possessed by it, and let it fuck with my head every day.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to not see that I can decide how I face this challenge, this new information and knowledge, and that I do not have to walk into the dark living dreadful, damned, and unstable.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to walk with more weight than I can feasibly carry.

When and as I face new information and knowledge I have never encountered before that stirs me, I stop and I breathe.

I commit my self to assessing my self from the start and clearing my self from the beginning to the point I can take another step with what new I am faced with in all honesty.

I commit my self to opening my self up and sharing what is coming up within me for feedback, support, cross referencing, and clarifying so that I am working things out as I go and not developing my self within faulty interpretations and reactions I am attaching to words as definitions.

I commit my self to balancing my self as I walk with the new weight of information and knowledge I have never carried with me into living application of my self

I commit my self to applying self forgiveness to the basics, the tools, the perspectives. All so I am moving through this life with a clear grip on who I am and what I am working with.

I commit my self to focusing on who I am within and not the things and beings I encounter, yet to apply my self in the face of things and beings in a way that supports my self with who and what these beings and things are.

I commit my self to sharing how I overcome tremendous reactions that have potential to compromise me indefinitely.