"I forgive myself": Day 2

 (Inspiration from latest EQAFE interview on Self-Forgiveness)
Continuing last blog.
I am going to describe what I do here step by step.

I am cleaning up my programming within each part of the statement, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing.."

This means breaking down what comes up including questions I feel I haven't asked or ones that recur most often, answering my own questions to the best of my ability, reflecting on the beneficial, sometimes god-like, claims about self-forgiveness, cognitive dissonance about forgiving myself (I don't want to forgive the good things!, etc), and exploring the perspective in which i've learned about self-forgiveness to test if I understand the point Desteni emphasizes.

I'll be taking note of physical sensations, posture, plus my emotions/feelings, thoughts, backchat, judgments, beliefs, expectations, images, fears, my approach, and the results or what I see as lack of results.

The understanding i'm using here is that although i'm applying the letter and word of self-forgiveness in the structured format of this process.. I am also applying my programming that comes up when writing, speaking, and reading self-forgiveness. An example is that when applying self-forgiveness, what triggered me to actually sit down to write it or think it/"say it" inside myself? What is my starting point for beginning the application? I have noticed before that it's often fear.

I am forgiving myself because I am afraid of consequences. I am afraid of suffering more intensely. I want to avoid the consequences of feeling any longer. Because the expectation or belief is that self-forgiveness will free me from having to face consequence for what I am doing, for who I am, for what I have said, for what I think. The expectation or belief is that the self-forgiveness in itself will change my experience. 

Thus, it's about my application and the programs that automatically apply as part of the statement. Imagine running a virus scanner on a computer program. Does it work as expected? If not, why? If so, why? How well do I understand myself as my tool? User error is expected when you're new, but even for those like me who have done the same thing many times.. we all have a degree of err in our way to investigate as we take so much for granted and overlook details.

Consider this a learning experience in troubleshooting the tools of change.

Onto making good on what i've set forth:

"I forgive myself"
- I wrote this down, typed it, said it out loud, thought it, and read it.

First thing that comes up is when I said it: the fear of others/judgment for being weird because of how I said it or because it's like "why am I doing this?".
For context, my wife is sitting on the couch and although she has heard me do self-forgiveness, this is a fear I have: others knowing I forgive myself in detail, out loud, and repeatedly.

It is because I judge myself for it, like it's a shameful, secret compulsion.
I fear on some level it may lead to a conversation about Desteni (fear of conflict, fear of more severe judgment, fear I can't stand up for myself), but even if I removed Desteni from the equation there is also the fear of being openly vulnerable like I am admitting guilt and wrongdoing to anyone who can hear me.

Judging myself from their perspective:
The guilt and shame being abnormal because it's "so severe" that I have to forgive myself out loud. With no context for understanding it's like I am saying a prayer or confession out loud or doing a mantra.

Note: Judging myself from their perspective in advance is still just me projecting my self-judgment, even if it is what they would think, and is how I set myself up to go through that experience anyway.

I have this memory of the compulsions I would experience during a bout of psychosis in my teens where I had to do something my mind was telling me OR ELSE. It is that same sort of dangerous fear I felt, where I was on the verge of a compulsive action and i'd be so terrified but i'd go through with it anyways and open up a can of worms for myself because my compulsions were actually batshit. I knew something was off about what I was going to do, but did it anyway. I knew nobody would understand, but did it anyway. I paid a price for it.

Echolocating - Day 1: "Day 17"

Last post 5 months ago, July 28th, 2022.

Echolocating myself and my point to forgive.
(Echolocating? wtf..)
This will read like a self-dialogue of taking mental/physical inventory for investigation


I write on paper next to my computer:
"I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing
myself to..."

My chest feels tension in the middle just below my sternum, like my heart and lungs are wincing, and I take a labored breath.

Echolocate: using sound to triangulate a position, like a cell tower or a bat, to sound out where I am by testing the feedback of the inputs; what comes back to me from my transmissions.. words are pockets of sound and I can find where I am in my mind/body through a use of a number of words that reveal more about me and where I am. 

Questions:

Where am I?
Why am I here?
What is stopping me?
What do I forgive?
Why do I forgive myself?

- In my mind, in my apartment, in my reactions, in front of my computer, on my blog about to write self-forgiveness.
- I want to forgive myself. I want to be honest so I can stick with it. I want to grow. I want to take more responsibility. I want to change. I want to learn. I want to understand.
- My mind, my reactions, my memories, my lies, and how it has all accumulated
- Myself for my addictions that I use to escape facing myself, myself for my fears that I hide behind, myself for making everything impossible with my specialized excuses and justifications.
- Because I understand it is the solution to the heavy burdens I am carrying, because I will feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally if I forgive myself to change, because life sucks without forgiving myself and everything becomes a struggle as i'm mentally tormented unnecessarily.

What can I forgive myself for right now that will have the greatest impact on the well-being of my body, mind, being, and the life around me?
What is the most important event in my life I can forgive myself for right now?

- I think of wrongs in my previous relationships:
Could it be cheating? The pain I live with from previously failed relationships...
Then another thought hit me harder; my failure to walk this process with Desteni as I should have AND my failure to, thereafter, walk my process successfully with TechnoTutor. The biggest grief looming over me is feeling like a failure within what I see is my purpose with these groups that changed my life.

They were my only chances I had, that is how I experienced it, and I + my life was nothing without them and getting on board with them.

My life improved dramatically practicing self-forgiveness, learning and applying the principles, defining/redefining/living words, expanding my vocabulary, and reading + listening to the material..

Then I sabotaged myself within a relationship and drug addictions again.

It was finding my foothold in this process that supported me.

Now it is the memories of how everything went wrong, over and over again, that stops me because I won't dare go there again.. I won't dare challenge certain things in a relationship again.. I won't dare put myself out there, stick my neck out for anything or anyone, and would rather remain silent and suppressed so as to not have to suffer the pain of failure and betrayal again. I would rather, and have, become spiteful.. angry.. skeptical... hateful... depressed.. miserable.. and isolated.
___________

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate self forgiveness.

As I wrote this sentence, slowly, I was seeing that from the beginning with how I learned to forgive myself... i've complicated the process going so quickly and wanting the best statement to follow the initial words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing..." where it was always about what came after those words. I did not see like I did just now in writing that sentence that the process is in writing those initial words and learning to work with/ apply what comes in writing them.

A set of memories comes up about this, Bernard memories. Portal memories. The blogs, the articles, the echochamber of self-forgiveness material written by beings with access to themselves and dimensions I have yet to access in this life. 

The compulsion to delete as many things I could see wrong would take over and I would want to write self-forgiveness for anything that came to mind. The words, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing" or "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" pounded out over and over like a child in detention writing on a chalk board until he was freed for his wrongdoing.

I want the punishment to be over.

Is that what it means to forgive myself? Is that how I WANT to forgive myself?
 
No, I don't. 

I have to redefine, rethink my approach, and do it again.

And I have to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my memory of how process used to be with Bernard around and all the Self-Forgiveness statements being pounded out by various beings to influence my application of Self-Forgiveness as Myself, where I would attempt to write my self-forgiveness as they did.. not realizing that merely adopting the format and writing statements that sounded and looked similar to theirs is not how I stand one and equal and totally integrate myself because I have to break things down,, pull them apart,, and put them back together where I am at, with what I understand, and how I look at things, etc... meaning, I had many points of reactions or genuine curiosity to bring up and investigate within my application.. and that would substantiate my application to a point of satisfaction where as constant copying of other's material/style would not.. because people like Bernard or the beings through the portal arrived to their specific application through many factors they walked personally to understand... and though their statements stand and support.. I have to write as myself, as I exist now, and work with my programming.

Cult-like Fear and Threats : Day 16

 Zoe and I went to Miami last weekend for TechnoTutor. It was amazing and we came home with a lot to share. We made videos on our Facebooks about our experiences and posted a lot from the event. I don't know about hers, but mine was long-winded and probably uninteresting. That's my judgment without watching it. I looked for what I could say to entice people into checking us out. Some of the attention Zoe got was definitely unwanted because one of the first people to comment wanted to throw the word CULT at us, even though they "meant well". The comment was deleted and Zoe reached out to them personally to clarify. She didn't deflect from using the word cult but rather embraced it and shared a definition of the word cult that does define us.

The person responded nicely and like they simply cared about Zoe's well being. then they came over to my page and harped on my video about cults and key words like "going to the next level" that is often used to bring people in. I deleted the comment and blocked them, then eventually messaged them after talking to Zoe. When they responded to me finally, it was like they didn't clearly read what I wrote because they responded to stuff I never said and then didn't respond to my offer to talk on the phone or meet in person. I was looking to walk them through their fear by meeting with me and getting to see for themselves who we are and what we do instead of whatever they've been through or read online. I didn't respond. Cut to a couple days later and I get messaged by this person's relative and they're threatening me with, "Be real careful how you speak to my ____. They have every right to warn and inform others.". I briefly got into it with them, told Zoe about my interaction, blocked them both and since then we have been walking through our fears and reactions to the whole situation by getting help from others in our community.

My first reaction in the timeline came when Zoe got the comment warning her about joining a cult.
"I'm not in a cult/It's not what they think it is"
"Why do people want to bash what we're doing?"
"Why is this still a thing?"
"Not again"

Feelings/Emotions of fear, anger, sadness, attacked, hostile, defensiveness came up

note: after Zoe "settled" things with the person the first time, I distinctly remember saying that people were not going to believe her and think I am brainwashing her then come and attack me as the bad guy.

Other reactions were when the person went over Zoe and commented on my video:
I was insulted they didn't believe Zoe and mad they had the audacity to come to my page and start seeding doubt/fear on my shit completely unwelcomed. To me it meant they didn't believe she was capable of thinking for herself and they needed to confront me.
I deleted the comment and blocked them. I wanted them to go through Zoe to talk to me originally as a "walk of shame" for insulting Zoe. I backed out of the idea because I thought it reinforced the person in their cult beliefs of us. I can see I was doing whatever I could to prove I wasn't a cult to this person with my behavior.

Feelings/Emotions of fear, aggression, and anxiety came up

The thought of fear about this person was they would spread rumor among close family and friends and start some shit.

I thought this person was being fake, pathetic, arrogant, and deceptive. They were hiding their true nasty backchat and wanting to control us and what we were participating in. They claimed to be "highly intelligent" yet have been in 4 cults. Lots of hippy and old-school drug culture stuff on their Facebook.

They kept saying how they were well-intentioned and coming from a good place of wanting nothing but the best for us, but if that is so then why would they intentionally push this point and gossip with someone else about it?

I will stop here and move to forgive this as myself, as everyone involved and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word cult to invoke irrational fear in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear family members and friends saying the word cult to us and to each other about what we are doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delete negative comments out of a reaction because I am afraid they will trigger and persuade others in my life to their viewpoint and prevent us from expanding and growing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed people's negatively charged words to hold me back from sharing, taking action, growing my business and community, and participating in my interests and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am, who is in my life, what we are doing, and why we are here because I am afraid of being called names that are negatively charged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these are opportunities to clear the charges of the words I have yet to clear and to understand the words that we use to bring up negative emotions in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being run out of town by an angry mob.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person spreading rumors about me and Zoe that we are in a dangerous cult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself because people have said i'm in a cult and to go into feeling misunderstood and demonized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize they are in fear and I do not have to participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing confrontation and dealing with it publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attack people who I perceive as attacking me because they are using negatively charged words that they know bring up fear and evil thoughts about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into a verbal altercation and even a physical altercation with someone confronting me with negatively charged words like cult, mlm, scam, or weird.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that some words like cult are by definition able to be used on anything you have a negative opinion about, because with the word cult for example you only need to regard something as sinister or strange and nothing else. Therefore, I am in a cult if they say I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I am in a cult if they say I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being what/who other people fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the bad guy in other people's opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see, and understand that a point like the word cult will keep coming up until I have personally transcended it and no longer react to it and am clear on what that word really means and how I live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing negatively charged words to understand them as myself and clarify them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing our friends and our following because of negatively charged words spreading as rumors, such as we are in a cult or we are cult leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act like a cult follower or a cult leader as a character / image in the mind as this sinister, secretive, strange, and evil thing.. trying to silence all opposition and enforce the brainwashing we have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that when I go into a reaction to the word cult I am acting out unconscious programming with characters that fit the fear of the person.. so everything I am doing confirms what the person is saying and in my attempt to defend myself or attack the person, I only further reinforce the idea we are in a cult as the negatively charged definition which has many weird images/ideas/feelings/behavior within it.

When and as I see/hear the word cult, because someone is confronting me with being in a cult and implying we are doing something dangerous/sinister/strange.. I stop and I breathe.

I realize this is a word people use to bring up negativity within me and anyone else who might read or hear it.

I realize they use this word without doing any investigation and have read articles online or gossiped in their mind or someone else.

I realize they aren't likely to be interested in what we are actually doing and they are in fear.

I realize that I am what they say I am and that I am in a cult if they say so because the definition of that word is defined as such that it's completely based on opinion.

I realize that what is a cult is just an opinion.

I realize that I do not have to entertain this and go into a reaction because there is nothing to do from a certain perspective, I have to embrace that this stuff happens.

I realize that I am not alone and I am not the first person on this earth to be called a cultist, a cult follower, or a cult leader.

I realize that people actually want to be in cults and that we are all already in cults.. we've been in a cult since we were born and that I have simply changed what cult I am part of, so they are fighting on behalf of their cult.

I realize that it doesn't matter and it doesn't stop anything and can't prevent me from succeeding or sharing.

I commit myself to breathe when I see the word cult in a comment directed towards me or TechnoTutor or Desteni.

I commit myself to embrace the word cult and to have fun with it in my conversations and in my behavior.

I commit myself to like someone's comment if they say we are in a cult or want to bring up the point.

I commit myself to fully understanding and transcending the word cult.

I commit myself to walking through all my fears around being in a cult or having someone throw this word cult at me.

I commit myself to getting support from within my community and within my relationship by having conversations about this point when and if it is needed.

I commit myself to support others to face this fear of the word cult because I see how i've accepted and allowed myself to get stuck here before.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of the word cult.

I commit myself to let go of the negative energy that comes up within me in relationship to the word cult.

I commit myself to showing that the word cult is just another word and it doesn't automatically imply negativity.

I commit myself to creating a culture of what is best for all and living by principles.

I commit myself to being proud of who I am and what I am part of as TechnoTutor and Desteni.

I commit myself to the cult of life which is the only real non-cult as it is the group that everyone is part of by default.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and for those who are part of this cult.

The System that Makes my Process Possible: Day 15

This is the expansion and self-forgiveness for day 14 on the system I must clarify, create, and implement to walk my process consistently and effectively:

Numbers is how we make this life count; with money, time, and all of space.. the numbers are how we organize and measure everything of ourselves. 
For everything that is named, it is also numbered, and is placed within a system.
The system that I inherited at birth, I did not specifically design every aspect of in this individual life as Jonathan. I accepted/allowed and became dependent on a system in separation from myself and the tools within it I have accepted and allowed to be reversed against me.. thus it became weaponry/enslavement instead of a way of living.
It is here that I will embrace the inversion and re-reverse it into/as myself/my life for support.
The time that has been organized for me I will now practice organizing for myself.
I am responsible for the numbers that measure and organize my life.
The events plotted across time is something I can take responsibility for designing - it does not have to be a design I walk into that someone else created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of myself on time and those who controlled my time for me in my abdication of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fight back against living on time, not realizing, seeing, or understanding that because I separated myself from time and the responsibility for this time on earth... I am powerless and will become irrelevant and ineffective in this time-based reality until I stop and take responsibility for time as myself, the time I have here as who I am.. to organize myself and my efforts.. to prioritize that which is most urgent as the emergency/emergent points coming up for myself and everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as my time here on earth to the best of my ability, to not hold back within sorting out the numbers that all of life- including mine- is reduced to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my life as the numbers of time, that is also equating money and space, as this is the "life on earth" as the "time unfolding" of my finite existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reducing and deducing my life to numbers because I wish/want/believe I am more than this, even though I have not accepted and allowed that to be true of others as the system reflects back to us - I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be ruled by/as numbers that are computed within machines - we are data points in statistics where we are understood in/as/through equations - and yes, we are organic robots.. and yes, reality as this physical responds to mathematics.. the numbers have effect, the numbers come out to a real difference, and the numbers when changed result in a change - not that numbers cannot be manipulated - but where the math is done correctly, the result is certainty/ascertained/measured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than life, less than me, and to believe/think/feel that to see this life within numbers is reducing life/myself/others to numbness/numbing as the word number says - we become number through the number, the numbers have been designed with a program of death/dead/coldness/lifelessness/lack of sensation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb myself with numbers,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define numbers as less than, as if they are lower life forms that are not as important, and as if they're this boring/tedious/mechanical process in life that we just need to understand run our world but treat them as if they're not part of the things they make possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scheduling my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear planning out my day, my calendar, my life, or an event because I will have to figure out times and places and actions which includes logistics/mathematics and putting my life into an equation and a timeline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be designed for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for designing my life and to blame others for my life not going the way I wanted it to, despite me not taking responsibility for the most basic parts of the design process as the numbers (time/money/space) that make everything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life is a mess because I did not realize that everything has a time and a place, that unless I space and pace it all according to priority and I act on the design of my plotting/planning it.. it will not suddenly, magically "sort itself out".. it will always be sorted out according to space/time in which I act accordingly to "figure it out" and "get my shit together" and "shape up" - all of those words indicating an organization of my efforts and what is within me and my reach.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that looking at how my life has currently become organized within/as the numbers of time, money, space, and the events/actions is how I begin organizing my life in detail. How it is right here is how it is organized, how it has all come together haphazardly, without my awareness, as I have unconsciously moved throughout this world without standing as the point of responsibility for those numbers completely...
Through looking at all of this, my organs are receiving the coordinates of my life that I can then use to improve my coordination with the rest of myself. It is like hand-eye coordination, where if I do not look at the coordinates, I cannot adjust my hands or my eyes to move things properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating a system for me to live my life effectively and to instead walk into the design placed for me, that I can further abdicate responsibility for myself/my life and others within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the accounting for my life in numbers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living on time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone else controlling me with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any time as "free time" as there is no such thing as "free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time being against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as rushing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as getting away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time is moving too fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be able to do everything I want to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am always running out of time and that I cannot finish what I started because my timing is always bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as the experience of bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having bad timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as off time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation from time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am always running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot finish what I start because I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to do everything now and that whatever I am doing has to take up all my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose track of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck doing one thing all day or for huge portions of my day because I do not keep track of the time or stop to consider the time I am working with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the time I have wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what time it is when all of a sudden I remember there is time and that I have to do things at set times, so I might be late for something or have wasted someone else's time or my time and now the day has missing appointments as a disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what time it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do not care what time it is and act/pretend as if I live without time or am effective without paying attention to time.

When and as I see myself experiencing a time issue within me, where what's going on in my life physically or mentally is a reaction to time.. where I am essentially lost, rushing, frustrated, and disappointed... I stop and I breathe. 

I realize I have many symptoms produced from my relationship with time and that one reason my life is in a mess comes down to time.

I realize that I have many time conflicts within my mind because I have rarely or inconsistently practiced scheduling my time... making my own plans.. and adjusting my plans when things do not go according to the plans I create.

I realize that because of my lack of time conscientiousness / planning, I tend to live by the seat of my pants and do things in the moment.. often times missing moments of opportunity despite living this way.. and that this is ineffective. It does not work with others or the system.
 
I realize that if I can put myself in order with regards to time, meaning that I plan my day accordingly with a schedule that I honor because I completely understand why it is the way it is... that I could accomplish many more things in a day and take more responsibility because I will be effectively directing things.

I commit myself to placing a time limit on my actions, giving deadlines to what I must accomplish, and in this/through this being specific with what I know to do. This means that instead of knowing only /what/ I have to do, I will have given myself a /when/ which is also a /where/ for /what/ I have to do. This makes it a preprogrammed event plotted in my timeline, so this makes it a more effective program because now it is scheduled / able to be placed into the plot.

I commit myself to focus on why I am creating my system and to be concise and clear about the why AND the system.

I commit myself to practice creating my day tonight, through making a schedule for tomorrow, and to make creating a schedule for the day(s) to follow part of the schedule each day... so that this is a daily practice to prepare myself for the following days/weeks/months/years ahead.

I commit myself to simplify my process and to remain in my body breathing when creating my plans to support myself with making something effective and straightforward.

I commit myself to clarify myself with questions when I get stuck thinking too hard about what i'm doing when i'm creating my plans for the day(s) as my schedule.

I commit myself to create the absolute best system for myself as my schedule and to understanding everything I need, want, and require to make good on this commitment.

I commit myself to placing everything in my day where it rightfully belongs, not just because I want it there but because I understand it would be best placed at this time / at this place in my day.

I commit myself to this point for 2 weeks to make sure this is done.

I commit myself to show my work in this process and to when i'm done, demonstrate to myself through sharing that what I have done is effective.. like with the memory point where it was clear that I understood something to the point of it having a direct effect when I applied it.

Without a system = no effect: Day 14

 I have been scrambling to do my process late at night. After I get off work, home duties and plans we have made take priority. My mind is stacked against me when I get home. My problem, however, is not unique to this situation. I see it is time management as the creation of a system for me to live by, or the lack of this, that is causing my problem. This is a reoccurring issue. I have many important things to do in a day or a week. Things I would call priority, yet my actions don't reflect this evaluation. I don't get up in time. I don't go to bed in time. I feel swept away by external circumstances and i'm always trying to overcome the hand that is dealt for me. I really see the point about survival mode and self-interest overriding anything of substance with regards to time for my SELF, time for PROCESS, and time for BUILDING VOCABULARY.

With work and intimate relationships alone, building my self up and building anything other than what i've walked into as a servant is cornered into the little bit of "free" time I have. "Free time" that I just want to disappear in and escape from what I face every day. I remember a moment of clarity where I could see that I have this experience of not knowing when to do certain things that I confuse with /WHAT/ I should be doing. It has hung over my head for years where I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it is a pain that i've felt without identification since I can remember. I now understand that it is time management, because the cognitive dissonance I had with this confusion was that I know that I know enough. I have found the best resources in this lifetime and I have a knack for finding all my keys, all my answers, all my tools, all my specific points... It is only a matter of time for me with regards to that.. However, what wasn't coming through is the organization of all these points of application. Meaning, where in time do I place all these responsibilities.. all this knowledge.. all that i've been exposed to.

With everything I have that is to be tested, I have been so out of order that nothing would work. Time is the Key Here that I see to begin organizing myself, because space is organized through time and vice versa. I have the space and now I must pace it, meaning I must time it, and set that counting of it in order with events I preprogram as the events to follow. Just like the grid rolled up into a ball as a seed... to design the seed of my life, the plant I must plan, I must look at time and begin practicing a program for it. Time management has been one of my greatest weaknesses, indeed a complete absence in some regards, with me simply trusting the times I am given by my environment to follow.. only going with the flow of the system given to me. Never designing my own life. I will place this blog here as a starting point for working on this, because this blog will not be able to continue if I do not make it part of the plan. 

Memories of Hardship in Walking Process: Day 13

 This is in the spirit of clearing my starting point further with all things related to process.
No support from anyone, only resistance and devil's advocates. A small handful of people, like a girlfriend and a cousin, that ride with me then fall away eventually. No one adopts the purpose or the principles truly for themselves. I struggle to be the example I want to see and to attract or surround myself with the people I want in my life. I don't connect with anyone in the group. I am a stranger and or alienated everywhere, perhaps totally by my own behavior and in my own mind. Process, purpose, and principles are lost in the back of my mind. I silently introspect and practice my limited understanding in thought, word, and deed. Debatably, it could be mostly if not all conceptual. If process is measured by how many people I get to walk their process, I don't measure up at all. If process is measured by whose lives I have impacted by my example to change something within themselves, I have made some progress.

If it is about the quality of life of those lives I have touched and where they are now as a result, then I am ashamed but I am also uncertain within that. I don't know how anyone would say I have changed or impacted their life. I can imagine more than a few that would say something nice, but if it was simply based on how I made them feel, that could very well mean nothing. They may not even know how to measure the impact of someone else on their life. How is that measurable? What do we measure? Is it how they see themselves and the world? Did I gift them a new understanding that serves them in their thinking, in their word, and in their actions? Did I help them bring tangible results to their life for the better? Did I support them to treat others the way they want to be treated effectively? I cannot see the current day results of my seeds. I can see the moments I was in their life and the communications and connection we had. I can see the engagement. I can see moments of self-expression. Did that change their circumstances? Did that change their ability to overcome the odds? 

There is the potential that this will all just be remembered in my name and not as who they are. That my efforts were in vain. Like who I am will be/become another memory and not a re-membering of who they are. The word vain is interesting to me in this. Empty. Useless. Producing no result. Having an excessive worth of myself when I am just another person on this planet. This isn't what I wanted for myself or for anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in depression brought up from the memories I have accumulated of all the relationships I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of potential that came with the relationships I created in my life that went with the relationship once things ended with the other beings in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the sadness and depression that I experience when looking at my life in memories of all the friends, family, partners, animals, internet friends, and potential-friends that I have lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot and will not have any friends as long as I walk process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always lose relationships in my life because of what I am part of, participating in, and pushing in this world as the Desteni principles, process, tools, message, and community.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing this all alone, walking process by myself without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot make friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living my life in vain, having no effect on anything or anyone.. being completely useless and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an alien.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to estrange myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an outcast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how many people follow me and listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my lack of results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my ineffectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for not talking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not participating in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my loved ones for not joining me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not joining and participating in Desteni, TechnoTutor, and anything related to that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire someone to join because of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire credit for changing someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to save someone's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a savior, a messiah, or some hero.

(Random side note insight: Bernard was always looking at your starting point and speaking to that, so there are many actions we could take that would be of benefit to ourselves or others - things we can do externally, to manifest with action, to create the change physically that we want to see that is best... but he was always looking at the starting point of the action or the thought because the starting point determines everything... so even if the act was practical, good, and something worth considering.. the starting point corruption would taint the result.. the end result would reveal the original intent.. so he was always revealing, challenging, and pointing to the starting point where we have fucked up everything. Change your starting point - change everything... thus this post and my initial ones will be what I always come back to.. because growth is self-reflexive, just like fibonacci sequence shows.. you reference what was before and add it up to/as/with what is here... self-forgiveness in reflection of the starting point clears the way for this growth.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have had no impact on anyone's life, or an impact that is worth noticing/recognizing/measuring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my mind has created a complex narrative that I participate in and helped create - I created it as my mind/body/being - and because of my participation in this creation, I have given it credence.. I have given it value.. I gave it the starting points.. I gave the initial validation to the axioms/assumptions/premises for it and so I buy into it more and more as I build on top of the beliefs that started it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible case/scenario in my mind happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being against the whole world and the whole world against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear devil's advocates, someone taking the opposite side of everything I share/express/state/assert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ganged up on, verbally and physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I believe in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand and being attacked for it, no one standing up with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand on my own for a long time and enduring lots of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear setting a bad example for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not an example and that I am unworthy of standing up to set an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cowardly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my popularity with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my worth by my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by who I am in relationship to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by how I treat others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe life is about relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with others because the sharing doesn't always go as I expected it to, with what I am sharing being received differently that I intended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as the failure to effectively share with others to all of our benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up sharing myself with others because it has gone poorly before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and being mistreated when I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing what is important to me and no one receiving it as important to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what is important to me is not important to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop caring because everyone else has stopped caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform with the abuse, suppression, and self-censorship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be met with celebration, embrace, and engagement when I share something important to me, that I am passionate about, and that I have purpose in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as this experience of being shut down, ignored, and abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no one listening to me when I speak up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never be understood.

Not in the Clear yet: Day 12

 It's been 22 days since I posted last and I had good ground I made in the first 2 weeks after writing. I started pitching, the clubhouse hasn't exactly grown but we are getting others to use the tools, and I started work at my new job. It is hard physical labor so I have given in to the point of being physically tired even though I have enough energy to do stuff. Some other shit with money came up and there has been stress regarding money lately. I have let go of my consistency that I was developing. I was getting hot and then went cold. I don't know where to start with this blog so i'll just begin with points relevant now and going back to my starting point for this process, pitching people, growing my clubhouse, and using the tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no energy after work to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my tools and stop applying myself when I get stressed or when I am mentally tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by/as inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have enough time to walk my process every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let up on my momentum when the going gets good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse inconsistency in my business, like not pitching every week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because I have worked all day and want to do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things aren't going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because I don't see immediate results from pitching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because there are more problems and I have more responsibility now that I have taken another step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop writing my blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop reading Journey to Life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in apathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I don't know how to help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot solve my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe none of this is going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to negate my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally check out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go absent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on putting myself out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on pitching people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on selling TechnoTutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on making videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on growing my clubhouse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into addictions and distractions when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into patterns of self sabotage when I am stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear returning to my old preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear quitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not using my tools and forgetting to use them multiple days in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my process up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'll never make it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am disorganized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i'm self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed.

When and as I see myself slipping away from walking my process and actually applying myself (going out pitching every week for example), I stop and I breathe.. I realize that I procrastinate using my tools until the very last moment where I often don't follow through because of some excuse like not feeling like it, being tired, wanting to do something else, it being too late.. and because of that I end up slipping and letting it slip by me.. whether that is coming home and not wanting to pitch because it is late in the day or not using TechnoTutor at night because it is bed time or i'd rather watch Peaky Blinders or play PUBG..

I realize and see this pattern and how already on the way home I start to go into this tiredness from working in the heat and feeling worn down physically + mentally. I realize the mental tiredness isn't real and I do have some remaining physical energy, so I could make a different choice.

I commit myself to making a different choice in those moments where I see the time is moving on in the day and it is getting to that moment where if I don't do it now, I probably won't do it and if I do = it will be one of the very last things I do in the day where I just want to get it over with.

I commit myself to not taking my time for granted by realizing that moments come in the day as opportunities and they don't come again after a certain point in the day.

I commit myself to taking these moments of opportunity when they show up and making the decision that is hard for me because of my mind and my excuses/justifications/desires to do something else that is not the best / not in the direction of progress.

I commit myself to stop participating in the desires to do something else that is easy, that is a simple pleasure of distraction, when I still have business and responsibilities like process to attend to.

I commit myself to go pitching tomorrow after work once I have showered and to not sit down or lay down where I know I will have a moment where I allow my mind to take control as my preprogramming and direct me to a distraction of pleasure.

I commit myself to forgiving myself in my mind, in the notes in my phone, out loud, in writing, or by typing when I see the excuses/justifications/desires come up within me that stand directly in the way of me applying myself more(doing TechnoTutor, reading blogs, writing blogs, etc) - putting myself out there (pitching/making videos/messaging people/building my clubhouse) because instead of accepting and allowing all these thoughts to go through me and accumulate into a wall or stagnation, I could practice self-forgiveness and removing these thoughts/programs/feelings from me.

I commit myself to realize that I am the key to everything if I would simply apply myself and that I do not have to feel a certain type of way or be in a certain mental state to do the work.

I commit myself to do the work implied and involved in walking my process.

I commit myself to becoming more and more consistent in what is best for me and what is best for all as writing, application, self-forgiveness, community-creation, and building my business.

I commit myself to push myself when I least want to.

I commit myself to do the hard things, meaning to do what I know is best instead of what I want to do which is often a distracting pleasure.

I commit myself to make the best decision even when it is hard.

I commit myself to unlearning my bad habits.

I commit myself to trusting myself to do what is best instead of what is easy.

I commit myself to move forward despite the doubt and to work harder instead of waiting for something to work out the way I want it to before continuing to do more.

I commit myself to stop complaining within myself