Let's get down to BUSINESS: Day 7

 Inspired by this blog on business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate facing myself within the word business as my programming/lack of programming about business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up for failure by expecting a business to just come along and change my life, thinking/believing I would find a business that I do automatically like it was second-nature and become an instant success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire instant success without having to do anything for it and for me to be a naturally born business magnate and success story.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my business has to be BUILT with my own body, mind, and being and that it was NOT already preprogrammed into me to the degree that I could make it happen and function immediately and that a business does NOT appear and function immediately anyway - it is built daily with specific actions and focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on building my business because I suck at it at first. This is/was the most likely scenario and although there is a chance that anyone can be a natural, avoiding certain failures and mistakes most face from the beginning.. that is not the rule, that is the exception and one should plan around the rule as a rule.. because counting on the exception is desiring to be special and counting on something that wasn't planned for. Nothing in my environment or upbringing was designing me to be the exception within starting a business where I wouldn't suck or fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within myself, in a emotional/mental dimension, and to then pretend or project the opposite while suppressing the feelings of failure/defeat/giving up/whining within me so that I can still be part of the business in hopes that something within me will change if I stick around long enough. Nothing will change if I do not and my experience won't change if I just hang around waiting for someone to help me up because only I can STAND UP within myself and stop accepting/allowing these feelings and this energy experience of giving up/defeat/failure/whining/etc that stop me dead in my tracks from ever building a business or giving this another 100% all-in committed action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that this is how most things go, where hopes/expectations/plans are met with a different reality, sometimes vastly different, and it is up to us to adapt to the reality - to change with the feedback we receive..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up for not performing as I had hoped to or expected and to be the very reason why I can't/won't do it / be able to do it / feel like I can do it because I am beating the confidence out of myself while beating out the perspective that regards reality and the process I have to walk to be effective and confident within building my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing something because I know I will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed failure to be the point at which I stop, quit, or give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop, never start, and start to give up at the first sign of failure.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do something, like build my business through putting myself out there and closing someone, pitching someone, talking about it to someone even though I know I will fail or get rejected or have a hard time doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about where I am at in my business with my results as the numbers of pitches/presentations/sales I have with how long I have been part of this business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself down and to remain fallen, emotionally abusing myself and limiting myself, stopping myself from ever building my business again because I failed and continued to stay in that failure, having given up and refused to put myself out there again and again to face the points I needed to face - that I could have faced earlier had I forgiven myself then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in what everyone thinks of me, making up the majority of the judgments about me that I believe others to be holding of me, especially because I never put myself out there that much to even know what people actually thought of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out what people really think of me by putting myself out there, which is what I see I should do to build my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I think everyone thinks of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I think they think of me despite what they tell me they think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see myself through the thoughts/beliefs/opinions/feelings within my own mind which tend to exaggerate and charge things in such a way that I am simply in a drama/trauma response.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess and focus on what people think about me and figuring that out instead of doing what is best that would lead to success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-control myself as others as a form of government for my behavior, to not break any social rules, to suppress my expression and my potential, and to keep me from doing anything outside the box of what others might think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people as my business depends on people, so how will I ever build a business if I am not facing my fear of people and eliminating that from the equation??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on people instead of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on money instead of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen to me if I focus on my business and no longer focus on people or money and the fear of them both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my thoughts about other people are accurate, especially the thoughts I project onto them about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people finding out or knowing that I am not as perfect or successful as I seem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of being imperfect or a failure onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no one will do business with me if they find out I am not perfect and successful beyond what they have been able to accomplish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set expectations of myself within business that did not take into account physical reality and my specific starting point with all my preprogramming up until this point, which had little to no existent success programming when it comes to business.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I wasn't born into the elite or into a family or environment that taught me business or the mentality to create one.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that how I feel about my business is how everyone feels about my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I feel about my business is how everyone feels about my business.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I project how I feel about my business and that may influence how people feel about my business, but they in themselves do not feel how I feel about my business - they mirror my programming and what I am accepting/allowing within myself as business / about my business.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my business as myself within myself, meaning that I take responsibility for how I feel/think/see/react/imagine/act within my mind/body when in front of the reflection of my business / looking at the word "business" or "my business". It is here that I see the content of what I am actually communicating to others, what they are receiving about me/my business when I am in front of them, because within me is all that I have accepted and allowed as this word/living expression as "business" or "my business".

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for understanding and creating the business mind within me, equal and one, that I can also create a business externally simultaneously.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself all that it will take to create a business as myself within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my limitations to prevent me from building a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot build a business, that it is impossible for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear upsetting people with what I do for business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict with other people while building my business, where I may lose a potential customer or gain a shit talking enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the bad guy as defined by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting people's feelings with how I do business / how I build business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate business with taking advantage of others in an abusive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking advantage of other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear building a business, becoming a businessman, and what I will have to do to become successful within my business/as a businessman because I already, automatically think I will have to do evil shit to make the money, to grow the business, and to persuade people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed conflict within myself as morality to limit me from ever moving myself effectively within life, within business/as a businessman.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate MORALITY as LIMITATION and CONTROL whereby I seek permission from some belief system / external system telling me what a "GOOD PERSON" does and what a "BAD PERSON" does and to avoid that.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that what is acceptable within the system as rules/laws is different than what is acceptable within morality as judgment of good/bad which is often personal/social sensitivities that often have no bearing on reality or what happens to you in the system - whereas what the system prescribes as rules/laws will have consequence on my life/my business if I do not observe and adhere to them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to challenge morality within myself that limit me from acting effectively in common sense and to study the law/rules of the system that I may be effective within building a business to make money.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to go through the necessary internal/external setup process of building a business as the research and resource acquiring to name my business, prepare for eventual taxes, to take advantage of any benefits offered to a business, and to understand the rules of how I may apply myself physically to build my business.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand what it takes to build a business.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed the realization that it takes consistent, persistent effort and clarity to build a business.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the value in building a business and creating money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define building a business as miserable, boring, dreadful, and scary.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that in order to build a business, it is not about becoming something I am not, but about letting go of what I have become and what is holding me back from all that I already am.

"I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really let go of the memories that I have held on to, and compiled as the 'truth', from every time I have failed, in business, in life, in a game, in relationships, etc, not realizing that it is me holding onto those memories that is keeping those failures in tact, rather than turning all those failures into successes and learning what I needed to learn from them, applying them now, and being successful NOW."

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to let go of all my memories which have defined me up until this point that echo back to me how I will never make this work, I will never be able to build this business, I will never make a sale, I will never become the businessman I had hoped to become, and I will never have millions of dollars because look at my memories and how many times I sucked, didn't do shit, never got around to it - etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will never be able to sell because I haven't sold anyone yet, which isn't true because I did make one sale and I almost made another... I haven't done that many presentations and I haven't practiced enough to be any good at it.

Continuing in the next post....

Release the Stop-Hold on Life: Day 6

 To start is to end the holding-back that is a stop.
What holds my life back from beginning, again and again, is the reverse/inverted deposit - the memory of life which is/in the mind - the layers of separation from myself here - projected forward/backwards. This moment that has come to pass, gets stored in HOLDING - this storAGE is TIME-ACCUMULATED that we (re)call MEMORY.

Is what we keep a savings or a cost?
What is it costing me?
It is a reverse/inverted deposit - it is actually the accumulation of the negative - therefore a cost (such is past-due debt, which is collected/ such is memory, which is recollected)
Only giving is in addition and the only way to "keep" what I have, as it will thus become an income/input-received ... as the basic equality of a system demonstrate - input = output. 
What I put-in is what I will get-out.

Self-ForGIVEness is thus the Only Confirmed Way to RE-LEASE LIFE = BUY LIFE BACK - it is PER THE AGREED LIVING DEFINITIONS = MATHEMATICAL (though not math the way you might think of it.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a hold on my life to save something, to save myself as my current self-definition, to attempt to save/savor these moments which come and go, and define myself as that which has already passed - thus I define myself in/as my mind which is my memories which are technically dead and not me here in this body alive - therefore i'm living-dead as I embody the memories of me, constantly (re)living the patterns of my past as personalities, habits, addictions, relationships, etc that come with those moments which are gone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as life here and allowed myself to live here because I have accepted and allowed myself to invest so much of myself into/as the mind/memory of me - where I RECALL the EXPERIENCES of WHO I WAS as my DEFINITIONS of "ME" - conning myself with the belief that this is the accumulation of evidence of WHO I AM - not realizing that WHO I AM HERE = CREATOR OF WHO I WAS/THE PAST and ALSO therefore THE FUTURE.
Never observing the fact that HERE is wHERE the PAST and FUTURE mutually exist - LIFE IN THE PRESENT IS THE GIFT OF/FOR ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back and limit myself within/as memories that I have accumulated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, avoid, and deny identifying/looking at what is holding me back as my memories as the roots of my fears/beliefs/feelings/patterns which limit me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that memories/the past is the very thing that is behind me with a literal holding/contraction as tension in my back - holding me/my back and limiting my movement and expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live life as memories/the past/the reversed deposit of life which is dead-debt and the evil-devil and demon as that which has become my self-possession/self-definition holding me back from life itself and damning me to lesser versions of who I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy myself and layer myself into/as memories which is saying "more mes/more (of) me" and thus a separation of myself into multiple personalities as trapped expressions in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto life as a moment and store it into mind as a memory where I think that I am saving something for later, putting it into my collection for recollection, when in reality it is costing me the life that I took and converted to an inverted/reversed deposit of itself a dead-debt to be repaid with life again and again.. as life as a memory is now a past-life, unresolved.. for if it was resolved it would be integrated as lesson-learned in-the-flesh as life-here and no reminder/remainder left behind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all memories are past-lives to be recollected / remembered and re-leased through self-forgiveness to bring the gift of life back to self Here in the flesh wHere tHere is no more "tHere" separate from Here and Our Presence is no longer buried in layers of the past as the dead/debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the past because I think that was life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the past/memories/mind/knowledge because what will I do without it? How will I live? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my mind, my memories, my past, and my knowledge derived from that to guide me in life and direct me in any given situation... to look for patterns that are repeating and that I am familiar with... even though those patterns are often my projections and it is me bringing them to surface and into living.

When and as I see myself holding back because of memories and the fears / limitations that come with that, I stop and I breathe. I remember myself within this moment and realize that I was here when that memory was created and I am here still, now witnessing the consequence of this memory I created. I can let go of the memory which is holding me back. I can investigate the memory and reverse it as myself to live what is best HERE to "keep what is good" instead of only remembering/recalling the experience as a haunting positive/negative where I am nostalgic/longing/desperate/in-separation/inferior/limited to the past. I bring it all here as myself to be a whole - thus the integration of an integer in time.

I commit myself to realize through living and applying myself that memory isn't real and that it is only real because we embody it as the flesh and that self exist in reverse as a memory deposited/stored in the cells of the flesh to be re-leased from it's prison. Thus I also commit myself to realize in my living, to investigate in my words, and to share/show myself as all that self-forgiveness is the specifically named mechanism/tool/expression which define the release, the letting go of, re-lease, redemption, atonement, absolution, discharge, and so on and so forth of self from the various dimensions and layers of our prison.

I commit myself to remembering myself within my memories - the self that is always here, past/present/future/timelessly - to see/understand/realize that I wasn't defined at the time/by the time and that it was ME that defined MYSELF by the time/at the time and so I can stop defining myself within these moments of time and these experiences within them... Who I am is not a memory and the self-definition, I am the one creating these definitions and these memories. I (re)call them the way I do and participate in the self-definition process thereof.

I commit myself to writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective applications, and investigations into/on these memories I hold and that hold me back. I commit myself to being specific about these memories and honest with myself so that I see/understand/realize the devil in the details as the details themselves reveal me to myself where I have defined myself in the past, where I am hiding something, where I am limiting myself, where I am tempting myself to "go back"...

I commit myself to filling in all the gaps and the blanks in my understanding of this process and the vocabulary that specifically makes it up, so that through self-education I can actually articulate this whole thing as myself and thus move myself within it effectively. This commitment to myself looks like asking myself questions where I have to explain what I already understand to myself and walk me through each detail as if I was starting from the beginning. This post and the video I made on Self-Forgiveness as The Only Way is an example, because I took on a challenge made within this process by Bernard and it was in that process of taking on the challenge and living the principle of "Visibly Living the Principles" that I made something pretty cool to myself.

I commit myself to breathing and being here in my physical body, bringing myself as what is here into the flesh.

I commit myself to remember that life is here.

I commit myself to learning to physically do something with these words by looking for/defining the physical match as I know the physical is the place of practice.

I can specify this by looking at what I fear doing and what memory is attached to it so I can then do (within reason) what it is I am not doing. The mind would have me not, and so life would have me challenge it.

Initiate Release : Day 5

Continuing my multi-dimensional process of walking myself through my starting point within the previous blogs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and taking responsibility for what I know is within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up as what is best for all as the de facto ‘what is best’ in any/every context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear visibly living the principles that I agree with because of the fear of death if I were to express myself as anything that go against the being's belief systems in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my fear to limit me from walking my process with full creative authority and expression, where instead of putting myself out there within the experimentation of my application of what I have learned - I chose to conceal my application and in doing so, had to limit what I did openly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my starting point within fear and to do everything i'm doing, and not do all that i'm not doing, because of this one point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to paralyze me in mind, body, and being where I cannot even make decisions clearly or take action or speak up or write a sentence because i'm blinded by the fear and always thinking about what i'm afraid of creating, doing, happening, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray my Desteni and thus my Destiny out of fear, where I ran from the process that would remove the separation I see from myself and birth my life as the potential I know of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from myself as my potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my potential as out of reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately set myself up for failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become less-than Desteni and the people who are walking process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed inequality in myself, specifically in this writing with regards to Destonians, but also with any organization or a person that I looked up to such as within TechnoTutor as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin my journey as an inferior, as less-than everyone else that is great or part of something greater than me / anything i've known, and to then exist in fear of what is more-than me per my definition - that I can't wrap my head around it or understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I don't understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beginning something I don't understand and royally fucking it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as small.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a piece of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a bad reputation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the name of Desteni and being a Destonian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad reputation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from process because I think and believe I am a bad example of process and walking process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from great opportunities because I define myself as inferior, unworthy, and don't believe I deserve a chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret Desteni as a threat and through a lens of fear because of all the words I didn't understand and because of the existential topics which brought up my fear of death and what happens after I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself for years with the thought of what happens after I die and my fear of consequences for what I have done or said throughout the years, all catching up with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to fully hear, see, realize, understand, receive, recognize, integrate, and apply the information within Desteni because of fear and my preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point within existence to not even exist from a certain perspective, because I never knew this word, so my starting point was created through my living but i'm not sure how or why I came to be the way I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a mess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself haphazardly throughout life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no idea how I came to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally clueless about my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as just being here, with no real purpose or clue how I got here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone getting to know myself and why I am here in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting to know myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I could hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what other's think about me when they don't know themselves either and are hiding from themselves, too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking everything up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the ways I could be fucking up that I don't know about and all the ways I think I am fucking up right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a fuck up.

The Star in Starting: Day 4

I will expand myself reflexively through reflection on my first post, again to gain, starting with these 3 parts:

"It's all here as me/with me. What does that mean? I look at myself/my experience while I also look at this page I am filling with words. Here in my body, mind, and being is the direct answer to my starting point. To what degree i'll be able to access the most important points for myself to examine, I am not certain, although I can certainly access what's in my face - that's the interface/surface of my programming. 

I am here because I am still fucked and I want to be free. I am here writing this because I want to support myself again within writing. I am here because I know if I can balance myself and my time within using all the tools available in this process, I will become the person I dream of.

As i've grown older, I see that I was preprogrammed to fail miserably in life with great potential held in front of me like a carrot stick. "


The Star at the Start is the Great Potential I Dream of.
I know who I am and who I can become, I know the potential exists in me - clouded by disasters of my mind.

I was a Starry-Eyed Child with the Promise of Potential to BE ANYTHING and I was already Great and Amazing!

The carrot on the stick was this magic in the air, up above in the sky, just as the stars sit above our heads.

I have wrote about the word Star before, so I can see multiple dimensions here to look into.

I have been challenged with a process of investigating my WHY, my PURPOSE, and that shined some light that comes back to what I see in myself as the Star before the Start.

The BE-ING JUST BE-FORE BE-GINNING.

Star Definitions for Reference:

noun
- a heavenly body

- a data or communication network in which all nodes are independently connected to one central unit.

- an outstandingly good or successful person or thing in a group.

- a star symbol used to indicate a category of excellence.

verb

- perform brilliantly or prominently in a particular endeavor or event.

----------

Creatively Expressing the STARting Point:

Before I Begin, My POINT is ABOVE ALL IN EXCELLENCE, the STAR of the SHOW, SHOWING THE WAY like the MAP OF STARS ABOVE - EACH ONE GUIDING THIS PLAY.

Stars were always in a practical position to guide us when our horizons were limited or obscured, orienting us by remaining mostly fixed in their relative positions. 

Stars represent excellence(star athlete, player), potential, hope, magic, wishes, the best(5 stars), success, wealth(results), fame(celebrity/stardom), expression(artist,actors, performers), heaven/divinity (heavenly bodies, angels), wonder, guidance, light, clarity, creativity(the arts) and more..

How did Stars Begin? We don't see them before they shine.. only when they start to glow and spark into their full expression. A very similar process exists on earth, where we can only see them once a star has amassed a universe of people that orbit them and as they begin to glow and shine. We can all tell when someone is accumulating mass, soon to become massive... and explode like a star. Before then, they were likely nobody to most.

Bringing this back to my self for understanding. The point that stands out to me about a Star is this point of Ultimate Self-Expression and Creativity - literally BURSTING with BRILLIANCE. I have a universe around me that I can support as myself if I express myself to the utmost, if I unleash my potential.

For example, The Sun is a Star and it Gives Life - that is Inherent in it's Self-Expression. The word Star anagrams to Arts - because Creativity is IN-HEREnt in the Star Performance!

This is all cool stuff to me, but what does it matter? What can I do to make this practical?

My starting point, my why, my purpose is to be a star on earth, to give life, sharing real light, all with my self-expression. 

The process of a star forming takes time and MASS(IVE) INTER-ACTION.

A point of gravity, or coming together, organizes the scattered parts/pieces of itself.

Once it amasses size it heats up and after a certain temperature fusion begins.

The light we see doesn't even come out from the star once fusion has begun and it has amassed size, it takes time before the shine is even noticeable at the surface.

The light is produced from a bunch of tiny interactions within the star.

We can see this light production in ourselves as what we participate in privately and our small interactions with every person we meet. The massive action to be taken, to accumulate mass and momentum like an undeniable gravity, is in organizing ourselves and everyone we meet.

I feel like i'm missing something, still.

What am I missing?

Perhaps it is the preprogramming in all of this, that even looking at the stars... it was designed in separation... and looking at what comes up in the star.. I can see the sabotage in a starting point being out of reach, in high hopes, with magical/wishful thinking.. all the things that come up when looking at the word "STAR" are also found in a STARTING POINT. 

We all want to begin with this standard or expectation of greatness, voting on ourselves to outdo ourselves, to do something magnificent with our lives. The carrot on the stick; not realizing it was all designed out of reach or so that it will never be as we imagine.

Next blog will be Self-Forgiveness on these points.

Starting Point Self-Forgiveness: Day 3

Self-Forgiveness on what came up within me while writing and reading my previous 2 days:

Reference point for where to start is on Day 1,

"If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart."

Self-Forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop working with the tools and material.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from the opportunity to face myself and know myself better than I ever have before. 
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather figure things out in my mind and through consequences rather than through a process of working through my programming to understand and sort things out within structure and according to principles.
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni.
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this pattern in me I am facing did not start with Desteni, because what Desteni represents is myself and the process of getting to know myself, face myself as my fear, understand how I work, and change. It is what Desteni stands for about myself that I fear. I went into reaction about what Desteni represents to me. It is a gift.
7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear to define me.
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disqualify myself from process in my mind.
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea that I could "leave" process, because I thought that no longer using the tools or participating with the individuals would mean I wasn't part of this process. 
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can leave when I am always here with all that is here, even if I don't fully realize it or see it.
11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inconsistencies.
12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the idea of leaving, like I have abandoned myself as a coward.
13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear. (changing the wording from previous statement)
14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within fear as hiding.
15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide out of fear.
16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and others out of fear.
17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from my fear of myself.
18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing myself.
20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I already know about myself.
21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid beginning my journey to life and starting this process within Desteni fully because of my fear/ my ego.
22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get in my way of living life.
23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as doubt.
24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as uncertainty.
25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferiority.
26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a quitter.
27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure.
28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a coward.
29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in relationships.
30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I don't know anything and ignore what is going on that I am aware of like an ostrich with it's head in the ground.
31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within relationships.
32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself.
33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and getting to know myself.

Self-Commitment

1. I see that this process existed since the beginning, before Desteni we didn't have access to certain dimensions and therefore information, we didn't have specific vocabulary to see and understand exactly what is/was going on, and because of what had been applied by every being in existence up until that point - we were fucking ourselves blindly and in ways we couldn't imagine. The gift of Desteni is specificity, completeness, totality, and practicality.
   
2. I realize that I am Here = I am Still Here, as I always was Here.. when I thought I was Gone, therefore a Goner, because where I walked was through my mind without the support of these tools.
   
3. I commit myself to stop this thought, this idea that I can "leave" or that I will be "gone" if I walk without the tools and to question why I would entertain the idea of not using what I have to support myself. The tools, material, principles, and message of Desteni is with me forever - I cannot unsee or forget. This idea is of separation.
4. I commit myself to examine this separation within me where I am not equal to and one with Desteni + the tools, principles, material, people, and message that is in the Desteni name - to then question and forgive this separation.
5. I commit myself to stand equal to and one with/as Desteni in my name as my body, being, and mind... to embrace it as myself and understand it as such that I will not accept and allow these ideas that are but separations of myself from what is here that I have encountered. I recognize myself as Desteni. I recognize myself in the words that are written and spoken. I stand with them.
   
6. I commit myself to relearn what I already know and remind myself of what I already know to apply it. I have walked a process already that I have learned from and I will apply these lessons.
7. I commit myself to learn what self-commitment means to me such that I understand self-commitment and can therefore live it and consider my commitments to myself with clarity.
8. I commit myself to face my fears and educate myself on them that I may transcend them instead of become their slave as a coward by first writing out what specific fears I have that are holding me back the most (like sharing myself and putting myself out there).
9. I commit myself to stand up for myself when I am abusing myself in my mind with backchat and negative emotions that run through me like a river of doubt, shame, fear, and uncertainty to suppress my self expression and self expansion, to in this standing up for myself say "no more. no more self victimization, self-punishment, regret, and pity - I am here to support myself in all ways that I may be, do, give, and have the best in this life."
10. I commit myself to patience in walking my process, patience being that knowingness and gentleness with which I carefully work with myself to build trust with me. I am aware of pitfalls previously walked, dangers of self sabotage I may face again, and the time involved in missing nothing that I can see self-honestly.
11. I commit myself to use the resources available to me to support myself thoroughly, because I have found that there was an audio, an article, a person, a tool, or a perspective that could have helped me with a point I was facing or a mistake I have made or an illusion I was in.
12. I commit myself to clear my starting point and define my purpose by reading, writing, and investigating the words I read and write about this.
13. I commit myself to knowing myself instead of creating confusion in my mind about who I am.

Start as You Mean to Go On: Day 2

 Examining the words Starting Point before continuing on with my previous post:

The Starting Point Determines Everything.
The Beginning was Placed at the End.
How things Begin is (often) how they End.
(this is why Change is so important, because the Origin of What is Here is fucked)
Input = Output
What is First will be Last and what is Last will be First.
(referencing and applying the Principle of Everything is in Reverse)

_________

Why I am asking these questions below is not to search. It is to access myself as a whole for REsearch.
I am here and what exists inside me is everything relevant to me and the QUESTion.
Everything is here, the resources are available, so the question is always about accessing what is here.
Why am I here, writing about this?
Why am I here, participating in this process?

Because to correct my starting point means I correct where I will arrive.. my destination. In this context, we can say my starting point is also my destiny.

Destiny: the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.

The Beginning was Placed at the End. The Starting Point Determines Everything.

Thus, I found Desteni which emphasizes exactly this point. Demonstrating the central importance of walking back through my memories to the origin of my Self with Self-Forgiveness.

I am here because I know what i've accepted and allowed throughout my life is not okay and I have compromised my life with what I have participated in. I see what has become of myself and the consequences of giving up, living in a cycle that I created.

What is clear to me about myself within my starting point is that I will always come back here until I do this all the way and give everything I have, until I can actually DO IT - until IT IS DONE. 
I get a flash memory of this old man I saw on some article or news clip, he was in his 70s or higher. He had taken his driver's license test too many times to count in his life. Such a simple thing to most people, and he did it for years until they finally granted him one. 
I think of him because I can see that determination in myself.
The failures have felt miserable and I did not immediately get back up every time. I do not always immediately get back up and apply myself again. Yet, here I am and I will always find a way.

My starting point is full of shit. Even in what I just wrote, there are more layers that need to be expressed and cleared up within this process. It is a mess, yet in it is some understanding and not all is lost.

I am writing this to (re)start my process (again) with the best foot forward. I am participating in this process because of my potential which I know deep down is more than what i've accepted. 

I am weary and wary because I am aware of where I began, where things went, and where it's ended before. 
My reluctance to walk process is based in fear of my patterns from my past.
Thus my memories surrounding how I began, what I faced, and where I fell is what I will process with self-forgiveness again.

I will move slower within myself as I walk this out and make time to be thorough in my self-examination. There are multiple dimensions to assess for my solution and I will access everything relevant to the point.
I have not even wrote a self-forgiveness statement yet because I want to see what stories I tell myself about this and what sort of explanations + questions arise from that.

What I have gathered from my writing thus far is my correction is to stop where I am at, standing before everything here on this page in my words, and start with all the fucked up shit I can see from the beginning.
To get clear on what this process means to me, why do I even want to do this, and sift through my answers using my bullshit filter to get to the bottom of this.

It is said to do this for your self. The only way for me to do that is to answer with what that means. I don't have the most precise specifics. Just what I found out when I used the tools. There was benefits. There is benefits. I can see the development of my potential. I was more certain and stable. Life definitely got better as I was consistent and genuine in my learning of them. That is why I want to do this for myself at the moment, because that was awesome and powerful.

Next blog, I will take this spelled out intention to practice with the structured process and the tools I understand. I will be (re)learning what I already know and seeing what will be most effective. I already have questions in terms of what will work best. All I know now is to trust the process and see what happens in the moment of application.

To here for now.

(Re)Starting Point: Day 1

What should I examine first?

The starting point; why I am here, where I am coming from, my reason for beginning, the qualities of my first step.

It's all here as me/with me. What does that mean? I look at myself/my experience while I also look at this page I am filling with words. Here in my body, mind, and being is the direct answer to my starting point. To what degree i'll be able to access the most important points for myself to examine, I am not certain, although I can certainly access what's in my face - that's the interface/surface of my programming. 

I am here because I am still fucked and I want to be free. I am here writing this because I want to support myself again within writing. I am here because I know if I can balance myself and my time within using all the tools available in this process, I will become the person I dream of.

As i've grown older, I see that I was preprogrammed to fail miserably in life with great potential held in front of me like a carrot stick. 

If I don't walk this process and have to return to my preprogramming, I will struggle to reconcile the lost opportunity and the thought of what if I had walked this process fully.

I understand that everyone is always in process, so this idea that I could have left it or that I have yet to walk any sort of process is just an idea. To walk with the tools, the material, and the message is still quite different than to go without the detailed awareness of what is happening.

If the problem one faces is wrapped up neatly inside the beginning of a journey, then my (in)consistent fall and return is something I can begin to see now if I choose. I choose to see it today. The beginning was placed at the end. The end of this journey begins for me with fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and hiding. I begin to see that I am less-than. I don't see myself as representative of this process, so I see myself out. I get wrapped up in a relationship, where another person becomes the main point in my process, and the person I am with isn't equal to me in what they know about this stuff. I don't lead or educate effectively, then we fall together and then apart.

This isn't all written in order, these are the elements of the pattern.

Going into a memory:
In the beginning, facing the points Desteni material shares - I feel terrified. It is over my head. I study hard. I want to figure this out. I am perplexed, puzzled, but know this is the answer. I don't know how this could all be known, how this could all have happened. I feel insignificant. Not only do I lose everything i've known, I learn how I am a piece of shit in my own mind. I understand now that there are layers of interpretations and reactions here which the material is not responsible for - but in the beginning, when I started, it was like I was having deep existential criticism imparted on me. I went into existential dread for years. It wasn't all bad, because I saw the potential of life in those words. I read some words that freed my mind from things I didn't even know were trapping me.

Where then is the fall for me? I couldn't read. I couldn't see. I wasn't clear. All of the details of how I was fucking up ran rampant in my mind. I feared for my life after death, just in the context of a new religion that I was creating in my mind for what I had found. Then came the others, the world at large that was not "in-the-know". I passionately shared what I was learning and received silence from my world. In the silence and after it; the skepticism, judgment, ridicule, gossiping, and betrayal began. I perceived myself as persecuted for my new religion and my behavior was branded as cult-like. I must have accepted the branding because it seeded doubt in me.

I was in denial at the time, but what I have learned since then is that I have been a prisoner to other's minds- their thoughts of me mattered more to me than who I am to myself. I spent much time in the mirror of their words in my own mind, reacting to them. I suppressed this point because I believed or wanted to be someone who doesn't give a fuck and I acted like it didn't matter. Behind the suppression, I was unclear of the words I was standing in front of, unclear of my self, and in fear of how my world was changing before my eyes. I was alone within a world given to me through the internet. A world not visited by anyone I know in real life. A world rejected and resisted, even though it is the only one I was able to find gifts to free myself, to make life easier, and actual answers that were consistent across time. 

_____

I stopped writing to look into EQAFE interviews and found this:
Being Destonian the World Matrix

This was supportive to my writing because it brings up the dimension of how people behave with their religions. I had a lot of reactions listening to this interview where I was very uncomfortable having a look at how I have lived in relationship to Desteni. The word RELIGION stands out to me, from my writing and from this interview. I have been an Observer of Religion. I Observe Desteni as my Religion and I am uncomfortable, shy, unsure of sharing about my religion. It is like the memories that exist collectively of religion are my experience of Desteni, where everyone with a religion has another world they bring into this one and we all keep our religions largely to ourselves. Not everyone does, but many certainly do, and in the interview it talks about participants and observers. My pattern has been to keep most of it to myself because what I believe might be received in a way I don't want it to. I want it to be received in the light I see it. When someone else doesn't see it that way or attacks it, I go into reactions.

Will continue this post in the next one.